CHAPTER TEN
Blaze
Ten Days Later
“You’re sure it’s okay for me to put myself back on the rotation for next week?” I ask Trevor as I sit on his bed, watching him get ready for the day.
“I think it’ll be all good,” he says as he sets his crutch to the side, working to put his shirt on one arm and then the other before pulling it over his head.
I’m pensive when I maybe shouldn’t be. It’s been a month since he wrecked, almost three weeks since he was released from the hospital, but I worry he’s overdoing it. Fact of the matter is Trevor’s starting to look and act more like his old self. Two more weeks with the no weight-bearing and then he’ll be able to walk on his own. He won’t need me, and I’ll have to get back to work. I can’t keep hovering over him like some den mother. Today for instance, he’s dressing himself and not sweating like a stuck pig. He truly is getting better.
“Then I’ll call and have them put me back on rotation. Hopefully Logan’s still free.”
He shoots me an almost bored look. “You’re Logan’s partner, it’s not like he’s going to find a new one while you’re gone. Just like Ryan’s not going to ride with Ace forever. I get texts every day about how much he misses me. It’s sweet really,” he wipes at a nonexistent tear.
“What you seriously need is to be taken down a notch, Trevor Trumbolt,” I fix him with a glare.
“And you’re the woman to do that?” he taunts as he has a seat next to me, pulling the sweatpants on he’s wearing today.
I lean in, kissing him hard before grabbing his bottom lip in between my teeth and tugging. “I’m the only woman.”
He reaches around, digging his fingers in my hair, holding me tightly to him. His blue eyes stare in my green, and the seriousness with which he looks at me makes me want to look away. I can’t, I don’t want to ignore the pull between us ever again.
“You are,” his throat is gravelly. “The only person who totally gets me and loves me no matter what. You’re my person,” he tugs my mouth to his.
I give in as he owns the kiss he’s giving me, tilting my head to the side to accommodate the slide of his tongue against mine. My fingers dig in his hair, disrupting the way he’s pulled it back out of his face. God I love his hair; it’s silky, way too pretty for a man to have, and the slightest bit curly. I wonder what Stella’s hair will look like when it grows out. Will she get this from their side of the family? If Trevor and I ever get our shit together and have kids, will they have this wavy, blonde mass? I pull back from the kiss because I’m too deep in my feelings, letting too many emotions take me out of the pleasure that is Trevor’s mouth.
His voice is deep and rough as he speaks. “As much as I would love to keep going and spend the day in bed with you, Whit’s gonna be here in a few minutes.”
They’re having an outing, one I’m not allowed to know about. Days before Christmas, I can guess it’s probably to get a present for me.
“And I need to go call into the station. See what kind of shift I can get on where I can still be there for your physical therapy.”
His fingers tangle with mine, pulling me down to sit on his good thigh. “I love you,” he whispers as he pushes the hair back from my face.
Those words never get old, and I have a feeling they never will. “I love you, too.”
Tank
“Thanks for agreeing to take me. I know you had a baby like a week ago and you could have told me to kiss your ass,” I grin over at my older sister as I get situated in the passenger seat of her SUV.
“Be thankful to our mom. She’s at home with Ryan to make sure nothing awful happens. He was so nervous,” she laughs as she backs out of my drive.
“I can only imagine. He’s stone-cold when it comes to work, but the personal stuff is sometimes where he draws the line.”
She snorts slightly. “He asked me what if she won’t stop crying? I had to break it to him that sometimes at night, when he’s snoring, she’s crying the entire time. It’s not like because I’m her mom I can make her stop. I’m as clueless as he is.”
“But you’re in it together,” I remind her. “And that’s probably the coolest thing ever. I’m sorry for the way I reacted when I found out,” I glance over at her, gauging her reaction. “It’s one of the biggest embarrassments and regrets I had while I lay in the hospital. I can’t even put my finger on why it bothered me so much.”
Early morning traffic a few days before Christmas isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be, and I think for a minute, Whitney’s not going to answer me. When we stop at a red light, she turns to look at me.
“I think it bothered you so much, Trevor, because you want it but you’re scared of it. You’re also overbearing when it comes to Blaze, which I think is ridiculous after you saw what I went through.”
Dayum, sometimes I hate how well she knows me. Not like I didn’t already realize it, but fuck my sister is a ballbreaker. “Blaze talked to you about our big argument, huh?”
“She didn’t talk to me about it, but she did tell me you asked her to give up her job,” she fixes me with a glare. “And since you’re alive and well, I can say what I’ve wanted to say since I found out. What the fuck were you thinking when you asked her to give up her job?”
How do I explain to her how scary it was to see the gun sitting next to Blaze’s head? To take note of the shaking hand of the mentally unstable man who held my world in the balance of his breakdown. How fucking helpless I felt while I stood there, knowing I could take him out with my past as a sniper. Yet they made me wait, made me watch everything happen with my own two eyes. So I tell her all of that.
She’s quiet for a few minutes before she shoots a pointed glance my way. “The same way she had to respond to your wreck and wonder if you’d even make it to the hospital? Your job is just as dangerous as anyone else’s Trevor, even more so. You and Ryan go through life thinking nothing bad is going to happen to you, but more than anything, this should show you how incorrect that is. Trev, you weren’t even working, you were enjoying your day off and you could have died. It had nothing to do with your job. It was you living day-to-day.”
“I know,” I nod, knowing she’s telling me the truth. “Trust me, I know. I’ve thought about it a lot. It’s been on my mind more than you can imagine. I still can’t get over the picture I have of her in my mind. The asshole was holding a gun to her head, and she tried to be so brave. At first she wasn’t shaking, she was crying, but I knew how scared she was. I could see it, I know this woman better than anyone else who responded that day. Her eyes said it all. She was fucking scared to death, and I worried I was going to let her down. What if my co-workers and I couldn’t convince this guy to let her go? What if my life ends as I see her brains splattered across the concrete? It was enough to make me sick, and after he pushed her away and we made sure she was okay, I went out back behind the house and puked twice. Ryan found me, and immediately knew what was going on in my head. I couldn’t take the fear.”
Even now my palms are sweating and I have to rub them against my thighs to dry them off. I take a steadying breath to remind myself I’m not in that moment any longer.
“It’s a fear, Whit, a fear I’m not sure I can cope with,” I do my best to explain.
She gets onto the interstate, taking us a few towns away so our shopping selection is better. I watch as she checks her blind spot and then sets her cruise control. “You think I don’t have fear? Trev, you and Ryan are my life besides Stella. Every damn day I start the morning out with a prayer that you two make it home. If I dwelled on it all the time, if I focused on it, I’d never be able to live my life. I have to trust that the two of you know what you’re doing, that you won’t take unnecessary chances, and that the people you’re with will also do the job they’re supposed to. I’m scared almost every day of my life. But you have to realize,” she glances over at me, her bottom lip trembling almost imperceptivity. “There’s only been one day that fear came true, and that was the day you had your wreck.”
“And the bitch of it all was I wasn’t even working,” I finish for her.
“Yeah,” she stiffens her chin. “You weren’t even working. If you had been, to be honest, it may have been easier,” she admits on a whisper.
I’m intrigued, but she doesn’t keep speaking. “How would it have been easier?”
“Because then I would know you got hurt doing what you love. People have to do your job, Trev. If people didn’t do your job this world would be a very dangerous place to live. Kids couldn’t walk down the street, we wouldn’t have the freedom of going to the mall a couple of days before Christmas, and in another world, I may be stoned to death for loving Ryan. The fact of the matter is, it takes all kinds to make this world go round, and if it wasn’t you doing this, it would be someone else. I’m comfortable with your choices because I’d never want you to be unhappy. Everyone is the love of someone’s life,” she shrugs.
“So, you’re saying you’d rather be scared and have us be happy?” I’m trying to follow along because I truly want to understand this. I want Blaze and me to be able to make a relationship work, I don’t want to be at odds with her, and I never want anything else to hold us back.
“Life is too short, you should know it better than anyone after what you’ve just gone through. If you really think about it, Trev, I think you’ll understand you want the people you love to do things that make them happy, even if they die doing it. At least you’ll know they died with a smile on their face, doing what they were called to do,” she gestures to her chest. “Because me? I know you and Ryan were born to do what you do. The two of you wear authority the same way you wear your bulletproof vests. You don’t hesitate for a second to put them on and get out in the middle of a disturbance, a firefight, in between two people arguing with one another – you never hesitate. And you don’t hesitate because you’re trained well, you know what you’re doing, and you’re confident in your abilities. I trust you to make good decisions, and I think if you were to sit back and watch Blaze on her home turf, doing what she does, you’d see she’s the same as you. And if she’s called to do that job, how can you try and make her choose? You and it are both her heart.”
I’m quiet for a few minutes, letting what she says sink in. I try to think back to times I’ve seen Blaze do her job, hell she’s done it on me a few times, and there’s no doubt she’s good at it. She’s confident and never second-guesses herself. I would trust her with the care of anyone I love.
“Let me put it to you another way,” my sister turns into the mall parking lot. “If you force her to choose again, do you know the decision she’ll make?”
The answer hits me with clarity. “I don’t know her decision. I’m not sure whether she’d choose me or not.”
“Then is that something you want to force her to do? Do you want to live the rest of your life wondering ‘what might have been’ with her? You’ve got to come to peace with what she does, Trev. If not, you’re going to lose her again, and I’m not sure if you’ll be able to get her back this time.”
“I did before,” my voice is strong, confident, daring her to tell me I’ll lose the woman I love again.
“But this time she’s been faced with the harsh reality of what your job can do to you – even if it was off duty. If you’re not ready to face hers head on – why in the hell are you going to ask her to face yours? That’s not love, brother, that’s controlling the situation. Do you really want to be that asshole?”