CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Tank
Sitting in waiting rooms of doctors’ offices has become my least favorite thing in the world, and today I’m all by myself. Blaze had to go and meet with her supervisor to get put back on rotation. She insisted on making sure she’s available for me whenever I need her, but I’m hoping after today, I can become much more self-sufficient.
That thought hits me in the gut, because I don’t necessarily want her to go. I like having her around, love waking up to her every morning, and look forward to the breakfast she always has waiting for me after I drag my ass out of bed. Running a hand through my hair, I realize how much I depend on her – not to take care of me – but to be my partner. What if she decides she’s done?
“Trevor, you can come on back.”
I didn’t even notice the nurse standing in front of me until she spoke. Blaze leaving my home, and possibly my life, is the scariest thing in the world for me right now. There is one thing I do know, and it’s after what happened with the gunman, I’ve got to be honest with her. No matter what happens here today, we’ll figure it out.
“How are you doing?” the nurse smiles at me as she holds the door open. I don’t miss the way her eyes rake down my body. Sounds egotistical, but I’m used to it and it doesn’t even affect me anymore. The only thing that affects me now are Blaze’s eyes running down my body, her hands touching my flesh. It’s enough to cause a reaction just thinking about it.
“I’m good, ready to see if I can get this cast off and into a boot.”
“Kinda early, huh?” she makes small talk.
I shrug because I don’t really want to do the small talk dance with her. More than anything, I want this appointment over so I can figure out what my next few weeks look like.
She escorts me to another room and I have a seat on an examination table, waiting impatiently for the doctor to come in. I’ve done some reading online, so I know there’s a chance, if my break has healed enough, I can get the cast off today. I was very fortunate about where Brooks hit me because most of the impact was on the front passenger side, and I’m hoping that’s what allows me to get out of this cast today. I want to take a shower, to walk without the crutches digging into my armpits, to get back to work, and to make love to Blaze the way I want to. I wasn’t lying when I told Blaze I’m a fast healer, either. I always have been, plus I’m stubborn as fuck.
“Morning, Trevor,” the doctor greets me as he comes in.
There are no pleasantries from me. “How did that x-ray look?”
The older man laughs slightly as he shakes his head at me. “I don’t know that I’ve ever met someone who’s more anxious to get back to work than you. The state of Alabama is lucky to have you.”
I don’t need someone to kiss my ass and tell me how great I am. I’m fully aware that I’m only four weeks out from a wreck that could have killed me, but I also know that I have been feeling better the last couple of days. Stronger, more aware of my surroundings, there’s been a lot less pain and I’ve not had to take any pain killers since that first physical therapy appointment. More than anything, I just want my life back. I’m aware it won’t be the same way it was before the wreck, there might be things I have to account for and accommodations I have to make. I’m good with that, but I’m not good at sitting around.
He pulls out a piece of paper before he puts his glasses on, reading what looks like a report. “I have to say I’m a little surprised, but I’ve seen the human body do amazing things. Looking at the x-ray, the report, and talking to your physical therapist, I’m going to say we can take this cast off. You’ll still have to be careful, but we can get you in the pool next week. There will be absolutely no running on it yet and you’ll probably walk with a limp until you’re completely healed. Your physical therapist will help you with that. I’m going to send a note over to Holden letting him know that right now we’ll keep your return to work week-to-week provided you do everything else you’re supposed to.”
Happiness explodes in my chest. “I’m so ready.”
As he leaves the room, my phone pings and my smile falters for the first time.
Holden: Excited for you to get that cast off brother, but you better be making your appointment with the shrink. We just need her to sign off on you – as soon as that’s done, you do the physical course and you’re back.
Fuck me. I’ve been putting it off, but I won’t be able to any longer. So far I haven’t been able to remember shit about the wreck, and I’m scared if the departments shrink starts digging, I will remember. I don’t want and don’t need that fear in my life. But the writing is on the wall – I’m going to have to face whatever it is, because I won’t be able to go back to my job until I do.
Tank: Got it, I’ll make my appointment tomorrow and I’ll keep you up to date on all progress. Can’t wait to get back.
Ignoring the nagging in my gut, I text Blaze, letting her know I’m getting the cast off, and they’ll be giving me a boot. I sigh deeply, feeling like one obstacle that’s been standing in my way be lifted.
* * *
“Look at you, walking by yourself,” Blaze grins as she watches me approach her SUV at the drop off area.
“I know, right? I can’t even begin to tell you how nice this is,” I get inside, shutting the door.
“I’m excited that your boot goes with your tux pants,” she looks down at it.
“I requested black, for the suit pants and because Batman,” I wink at her as she laughs.
“You’re in a really good mood.”
She’s right – I am. I hadn’t realized how grumpy I’ve been, even though I’m thankful I wasn’t hurt worse in the wreck. I’ve still been on edge, because I haven’t known what the future will bring for me and while that’s true of everyone, I can admit now how damn scared I was. When they took the cast off, put the boot on, and then told me to walk – that was potentially the scariest moment of my life. But I did it, and guess what? While it hurt a little, and definitely felt weird, it’s freeing to know I won’t be held back as much anymore.
“I am, and I’m sorry I’ve been kind of a pain in the ass lately. I’ve been worried, scared to death actually, that I wouldn’t be able to be the same kind of cop, same kind of man, I was before. You know how much physical activity and my job mean to me. I want to be able to get out and do things with you, with Stella when she’s old enough. It means the world to me.”
Reaching over, she grabs my hand. “I get it, I totally do, and you haven’t been awful. None of us know how we’d react if we were in your situation.”
“I don’t know how you’ve handled it so well, Blaze, I mean what you saw and what you did, was amazing.”
“It was my job.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it, babe. It was my job that day I saw that guy hold the gun to your head, but it didn’t make it any easier. I felt more out of control that day than I ever have in my life. My emotions were in a blender, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make a rational decision. I have no idea how you administered medical care to me and kept it together.” And that’s the realest I’ve ever been with her. If we want to face things and start repairing the relationship we fucked up, we have to start somewhere.
She swallows so hard I can see her throat move. “I didn’t want anyone else touching you,” her voice is low as she drives us back to Laurel Springs. “In my mind, no one cares for you like I do, so I wasn’t sure if anyone else could give you the kind of attention I could. While it hurt to see you lying there, see the blood pouring from the cut over your eye, see the swelling that was already happening on your face, and hear you gasping for air, I knew I could keep you going. I knew what to do to make it better, and I was going to be damned if I let anyone else touch you. No one else knew you physically and emotionally like I did, and in my heart I knew I’d provide the best care.”
There’s a clarity to her voice and a clarity to the feelings that hit me square in the chest. She’s damn right, no one does care for me better than she does. Not even my sister or my mom. Blaze cares with her whole heart and her whole body. It reminds me that we have a lot of work to do, and now that I feel like a whole man, we’re gonna be putting in a huge amount of time to make it work.