Grace

Where can I even begin?

To say that I’m happier than I ever thought possible makes me sound like such a hopeless romantic. But it’s true, so I guess that’s what I’ve become. You can thank Kaine for that.

I do, every day. We wake up every morning in each other’s arms and I can’t imagine anything better than that.

Today, Kaine woke up with a look I still don’t fully understand. He seemed different somehow, younger… lighter. When I nipped at his lip in a playful way, he laughed out loud and took me with a ferociousness that left both of us breathless and spent. I can still feel everywhere he touched me… every kiss and touch and stroke… Even when we’re not together, he still feels close. I shift in the seat and smile at the tenderness in my body. Satisfied as I am, I still want him. But that will wait for tonight… 

Right now, I’m in the car on the way back from visiting Mom. Daniel’s in his car seat, shaking a little stuffed giraffe at me. He gurgles and smiles. I smile back, utterly smitten. He’s the only man in the world I love as much as I love Kaine.

His eyes look just like his father’s, warm and grey. But he has my blond hair. I push it out of his eyes as he watches me, fascinated. But soon the sound and motion of the car lull him off to sleep, and I’m alone with my thoughts. It’s rare and precious time. And so much has happened.

Mom was excited, and tearful…. meeting her grandson for the first time. She’s been in a rehab center ever since they released her and she’s doing really well. She’ll be home with us for Daniel’s first Christmas and I can honestly say I’m looking forward to it. Kaine said money was no issue, and put her in the finest center we could find. But I give Evelyn most of the credit. She’s never worked so hard before, and she knows she has a family who truly loves her.

We’ll take it day by day, but I saw how she was with Daniel in her arms. She’s going to fight like hell to be the grandma he deserves and that’s all any of us can ask. I love her. And I know now, how much she loves me too. Every time I look at Daniel and my heart swells to bursting, I know. She made a lot of mistakes. Who of us hasn’t? But she held Daniel like he was the most precious thing in the world. And I got a glimpse of the mother she might have been, so very long ago… 

It wasn’t long after Cole’s death that the truth came out publically about his involvement in his wife’s death. It was actually him, not Carlson Marks, who had run her down in the empty street that dark night. But he’d blackmailed Marks into setting Mom up. She’d never met Mr. Marks before he found her at Bender’s Bar. And Cole neither knew nor cared who she was.

Mom had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time, already two sheets to the wind. Marks had bought her a few more drinks and had dosed the last one. Then he’d damaged the front end of her car, and broken the windshield. All that was left was for him to sign a sworn statement that he’d seen her hit Claire that night… A cold shudder ran through me in spite of the warm day. 

Marks had survived the beating Cole’s men had inflicted, intended to silence him for good, but not the bullet that ended his life in our drive. But he’d held nothing back in the written confession he’d left with Brian. I don’t know what kind of man Marks might have become, if he’d lived, but at least he died with his conscience completely clear.

Brian let us read the letter of apology he wrote to the woman he had raped so long ago. The police assured us that will she receive it, once the case is officially closed. I hope, for her sake, that she’ll be able to forgive him. It’s not always easy to do. I know.

I look over at my sleeping son and my heart turns over. So sweet, so innocent. So perfect. 

In his face, I can see how Kaine must have looked as a baby. Myself too, I guess. There’s nothing we want more than to protect him forever, to keep him as safe as he is now. But deep inside, we both know better. The day will come one day, when we’ll have to let him go. Out into a world that holds both love and pain. For now, we’ll love him all we can, and trust that when he needs us, we’ll both be there. It is, after all, what family is all about.

In moments like this, my thoughts often go back to my time at La Laisse, and how it brought so many of us to where we are today. It’s strange to reflect back on now, but then life is strange, and almost never what we expect. Both are things I’ve come to appreciate.

Dalia is still there…  for now at least, and she says she’s happy. But she plans to retire soon. She made some good investments during her six working years and they’ve paid off. She said she can spend the rest of her life doing as much or as little as she likes, and so she’s content. I hope that she truly is. She certainly earned it.

Sage left La Laisse about the same time I did. Last I heard, she’s back in college, working toward a business degree and has a steady boyfriend. She and her sister share an apartment in the Bronx and are talking about opening a bakery together.

I offered them the money Mrs. Sparr paid me, to help with startup costs and such. I’ll technically be a partner, but just a silent one. Sage has a good head on her shoulders and I have a feeling they’re going to do just fine. She says it’s the first time she’s ever felt truly excited about the future.

Mrs. S has never left the life, and I don’t expect she ever will. She loves the glamour and the drama. She also loves the money, but I can hardly fault her for that. She was good to me, good to us, and we are both grateful. She was there for us when we needed her, and you can’t ask any more than that of a friend.

The truth is, every one of us went to La Laisse… The Leash… for very personal reasons of our own. Some for pleasure. Some for pain. But all of us had needs that wouldn’t be denied. And while I’d make far different choices today, I can honestly say I don’t regret the time I spent there. I look at my husband and my son and I know that I don’t. But I feel very grateful… that I was one of the lucky few… I went there hoping to find a better future, and against all odds, I know that I have.

This morning, as Kaine went to bring the baby back from the nursery, I found myself drawn again to the familiar pattern and texture of the marks he carries. I’m sad for the history that made those scars, but I love them too. It’s impossible not to… for they’re part of him and who he has become.

It’s not true, what they say. That time heals all wounds. Some wounds are just too deep. And like the scars they leave, they are often here to stay. But I discovered that love can give us the power to face them, and to see them for what they truly are.

The marks we all carry, whether visible on our skin or far deeper inside, are only touchstones from the past… fragments of the stories our lives can tell. And they’re only a tiny piece of the larger whole. I know now that whatever we can face honestly, no longer has control over us. Kaine has shown me that, and all I can feel is love and incredible gratitude.

As I head up the drive, I see him. My husband, coming to welcome me home. There’s no more welcome and beautiful sight in the world. I can’t imagine life without him and I’m so very glad I’ll never have to. I love him more than I ever could have dreamed and I know, that in his arms, I will always be truly safe.

He kisses me, slowly… lingeringly… giving me a tantalizing taste of what the evening will bring, and reaches to pick up his sleeping son. I’ve never been so happy as I am in this simple moment.

The past is no longer anything but the road home. And the future is anything we choose. We are home and we are safe.

Together, just as we are, Kaine and I are finally free.

Kaine

I’m alone in the still silence of home, waiting for Grace and Daniel. As much as I wanted to be there, I knew it was important for them to have this time alone with Evelyn. Long held wounds were finally beginning to heal, and I wanted to give them both the privacy and support for that to happen. It felt good, to play even a small part in helping them rebuild their trust and their own sense of family.

Light pours in, filling the house with brilliant warmth. It has always been a beautiful house, but now it’s truly a home. For Grace and for me. But most of all, for Daniel. This is his first home… the only one he’s ever known. And I swear on my life that it will be happy and safe. Everything a little boy could want, and everything he deserves. With two loving parents who will raise him to be gentle and kind. He’ll grow up knowing what it is to be loved. And knowing how to love. 

It’s all I could ever want for him.

I dreamed about my brother Danny again last night. It had been so long, that I thought perhaps the dreams were over for good. But this time, for the first time, it had been very different… 

We were boys, just as always, but we weren’t in front of the old house this time. We were a few houses down, playing with the children who’d grown up there. Their pretty young mother was watching over us all, keeping us safe, laughing as we played. There was no red ball to roll away. No truck coming too fast down the street. It was a warm, bright afternoon and we were just children, no different than the others. And we were happy.

In the dream, I looked over at my brother, dappled in sunlight and saw him smile at me. I could hear the sound of his laughter as he teased me. 

“Catch me, Gabey,” he called, running and falling on me, tickling my sides. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and pulled him back with me onto the cool grass. We rested on our backs, next to each other, comfortable and out of breath. 

“I love you,” he said smiling, panting. “You’re my best big brother.” 

And then, as happens only in dreams, I watched him change in an instant, his face and body suddenly fully grown into manhood. He looked strong and kind. And content. 

“Are you happy now, Gabriel?” he asked, his voice deep and sincere. “You know, it’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

“I do know…,” I answered back, a feeling of quiet peace settling inside me. I looked into his warm brown eyes and he smiled. “I am happy, so incredibly happy, Danny…” 

“And I love you, too.”

* * *

I’d awakened then to Grace, warm and safe, sleeping soundly in my arms. And as I reflected on the dream in those early morning hours, I realized it was okay to still miss Danny. And I knew that I always would. But I was learning to do it without pain or guilt. And it was my wife who had shown me how.

She loves as easily and naturally as she breathes, because it’s an expression of who she is. Of all the things she’s taught me, that may be the most beautiful and enigmatic lesson of all. She is my lover, my wife, my teacher and my best friend. Though she may never know the depth of what I feel for her… what I am able to feel… all because of her, I know that I’ll do everything in my power, for the rest of our lives, to show her.

I head out to the drive and sit on the steps, waiting for her and Daniel to come home. They’ve only been gone a few hours, but it’s still too long. I have dinner ready and warm in the oven. I’ve become a pretty good cook and I even enjoy it. 

Bec lives several hours away from us now, and I’ve taken on a number of her chores since her son invited her to stay on with him. She said a young, new bride needs her home and family to herself. I can’t help but agree. But she visits often, and is like a second doting grandma to Daniel. She says she’s looking forward to meeting Evelyn during the holidays.

I stretch my legs and look into the shifting depths of the summer sky. I think about all the people and events that brought us to this place in my life and I breathe in, slow and steady. Each one helped to bring me here, where I could wait for the family I never expected to have. The sun is just beginning to set, and the blue is changing to faint shades of pink and orange.

Watching Grace’s struggle with her mother, and becoming a parent myself have been real turning points for me. After so many years, I’m finally starting to find some peace around my relationship with my father. For so many years I had blamed him… and blamed myself too, for Danny’s death. Now I was finally able to see what a wounded and broken man he had been, long before he ever became our father. I’m learning to let the past stay where it belongs. And even though it still makes me sad, I know the time has come to let him go.

My company never did tear down the houses on Rance Street. Not even the one I grew up in. The one I’d wanted completely and utterly destroyed. 

Instead, we had renovated. Keeping the old houses as original as possible and making them beautiful again. It was a changing moment to see new, young families moving in. We had taken something dark and made it light again. I could see the future in the faces of those families on moving day and it looked promising, hopeful. I’m taking the business in a whole new direction now, and it feels good. For the first time in a long time, it feels right.

I’ve learned that there’s nothing that can really destroy us but ourselves. Cole thought he had everyone and everything around him under his control, but in the end he ruined it all, himself included.

I’ve found love to be a far better choice.

Grace laughs and kisses me when I get quiet and contemplative like this. But every day I’m working to become a better man, a better husband… a better father. And like the rest of my life, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I can see the car heading up the drive now, and I feel the warm, familiar pull of love inside. I can’t imagine my life without my family. I wouldn’t even try. We are bound together by the love in our hearts, and our dedication to one another. There’s no greater feeling, no better balm.

Rich or poor, privileged or broken, it doesn’t matter where we come from. Or even where we go in our lives.

What matters is this very moment. Here… now.

I have Grace… and our son Daniel. And they will always have me.

She gets out of the car and I take him out of his car seat. We head inside together, leaving the last of the fading day behind us. Daniel is still asleep and I tuck him into his crib for the night. I kiss his smooth, perfect brow and watch his little lips working their sleepy rhythm. 

“Sweet dreams, Danny,” I say softly. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Grace has dished out the chicken and roasted vegetables from the oven. “How was it?” I ask. She licks her lips and smiles at me. “Good… really good,” she says. “But better to be home.”

We eat in companionable silence, the food simple and comforting. There’s something about her tonight that I can’t put my finger on. We clear the dishes together and then head for one of our favorite spots. The gazebo overlooking a small private pond. The ducks are quiet now, floating with their heads resting on their backs. The only light is from the stars, and the tiny glass lights that drape from the scalloped edges of the roof. I take her chin in my hand and stroke my thumb across her lip.

“Have I told you how beautiful you are?” I ask. “I never knew a woman becomes even more beautiful when she’s the mother of your child…”

She laughs at me softly and then I begin to understand what I didn’t earlier. Her skin is glowing, her hair a thick, golden curtain. I watch as she slowly strips off the jeans and pink sweater she’s wearing. “You tell me all the time, Kaine,” she answers. “When you look at me… when you touch me… when you put little Daniel to bed at night…”

Grace steps closer and begins to unbutton my shirt. Her eyes are hidden by her lashes as she takes it off me and begins to unzip my pants. When we’re both completely bare, we stand in the faint golden light, touching, exploring, tasting each other. This is one of our favorite places, one of our most favorite times. When we’re alone here and nothing at all is between us. Our desire is already almost more than we can both bear… I can feel the moisture slipping down between her thighs and I’ve been hard since I welcomed her home. 

Thinking back, I don’t know how I denied myself so long, believing that controlling this need somehow made me stronger. Sometimes tenderly, sometimes almost savagely, we join together often now, desperate for each other… needing each other. I’ve never felt stronger or more powerful in my life since I’ve been with Grace. I guess I was just waiting for her. But now the wait is over for good… 

I settle back into the huge cotton hammock, and pull her along with me. She straddles me, biting her lip as I fill her completely. She rocks her hips into mine and I feel my cock throb deeply inside her. I see satisfaction in her eyes, and hunger too. But we have all the time in the world ahead of us, and I’m going to give her everything she needs. That’s the only power I want now. 

She leans forward, her lush breasts brushing my chest, her nipples dark and tight. “I love you, sweetheart…,” I breathe into her ear as I cup her in my hands. She overflows them. So full… so soft… 

“And I love you,” she says, desire warm in her voice. “You, our life… our family.” 

She rests her belly against mine and I take the curves of her hips in my hands. She’s moving with long, languid motions now and I’m not sure how long I can last. From the sounds she’s making I know she’s close as well. Our bodies are in such perfect unison… she leans in and I take her lips too.

We are joined completely now and our bodies move together in the hammock… liquid and almost weightless. We sway together in the darkness, building our love… building our life… Building our future… 

And with the stars as silent witness, we explode again and again… Giving and taking, needing and receiving… Loving without end…

I wrap her in the safety of my arms, tasting her, feeling her, loving her beyond belief. Daniel is safe and warm, sleeping in his bed. Happiness fills me and overflows, surrounding all of us. We are bound together by it, and free because of it. I have, in this moment, everything I could ever possibly want.

I am the luckiest man in the world.