I’M NOT SURE how I made it out of the Cashmere, or how I even made it to the bar a few blocks away. But as I slide onto a barstool, I remember that I came here for a purpose. I came to forget that text message. I came to forget Dorian. And Aurora. And the Dark, the Light. And everything else fucked up in my life, making it impossible to just breathe easily for one second of the fucking day.
The full shot glass in front of me is almost too blurry to distinguish through my watery eyes, but I reach for it and gulp it back anyway, slamming it down on the bar. That’s when I notice the number of empty shot glasses before me.
Five. I have sat here and taken five shots without even feeling it. Without even really knowing why I was here.
It’s almost as if my heart and mind had gone into self-preservation mode after seeing that video. Like they wouldn’t let me feel the immense pain it would undoubtedly cause. But now as I sit on my rickety bar stool, staring at the empty glasses yet not truly seeing anything at all, the feeling of dread and sorrow slowly flood my system. Like a creeping disease that eats away at every part of you bit by bit. And before you can look up and assess the irreparable damage, it’s too late. You are already too mangled and rotted to even begin to heal. There’s no way to come back from that. Death would have been much kinder.
“Whoa, honey. Another?” the bartender asks, suddenly in front of me. I nod my response and he goes about refilling a glass with light brown liquor. I signal for him to keep them coming despite his reluctance.
I throw back one. Then another, hoping the burning elixir would somehow disinfect and soothe my afflicted body. The warm effects from the liquor sweep through my veins and I let my eyes close, relishing the feel of bottled contentment. I want it. I want it all over me. I want to feel good. Not the incarnate hell that currently occupies my senses.
Time passes in a blur of empty shot glasses, blaring rock music and faceless bar patrons eager to hold my attention. I don’t feel it. Any of it. I just fall into my own slice of oblivion and my carnal senses guide me. And as the room spins and blurs out of focus around me, I grin lazily in triumph knowing that I have once again achieved it.
Numbness. Nothingness. Emptiness.
“Baby girl, what the hell have you done to yourself?” a smooth as silk voice coos in my ear, brushing a lock of hair out of my face as I lean against the bar.
“Niko! You came!” I shriek, throwing myself into his arms with as much force as I can muster. My eyes are so low, I can’t even see him. Yet his scent overwhelms and arouses me in a way that makes my mouth water. The feel of his hard frame against mine makes every sensitive area tingle with expectation.
“Yeah, Gabs. I came. But you shouldn’t be here,” he says pulling my body away from his to look at my face. “What are you doing here?”
I tug my arms away from the restraint of his hands and turn towards the bar, signaling the bartender for another round. “What does it look like? I am having a drink!”
“A drink? Or twenty?” He puts his palms on either side of the bar, imprisoning my body and making my heart sputter with the contact. His lips graze my earlobe. “You’re supposed to be with Dorian right now. You know he’s been crazed with worry.”
“Fuck him!” I spew, drawing the attention of nearby barflies. “I don’t want to be with him. I want to drink!” I pick up the first thing the bartender sets in front of me and down it without blinking, hopelessly trying to push away the pain that the mere mention of his name brings. “And I want you to drink with me!”
Niko’s chest rumbles with a chuckle against my back, his warmth washing over me. The way his body surrounds mine makes me feel safe and cherished. But even in my jaded state of mind, I know it’s not real affection for me. It’s all an illusion. And at this point, I really don’t give a damn.
“Baby girl, there’s nothing I’d like more. But not here. And since you are way ahead of me, I suggest we take this little party back to your place.”
I spin around on the stool and force my eyes open enough to look into his hooded gaze. “Mmmm, now you’re talking. Ready to give me the best sex of my life?” I slur, biting my lip suggestively.
Niko makes a pained noise and looks away, running a hand through his styled coif. “Shit, you have no idea how bad I’d like to do just that. But you know the rules.” He grabs my hand lightly and rubs his thumb against my little blue anchor. “I can’t,” he frowns.
I pull my hand away, stowing it behind my back. “I don’t care about that and neither should you. You know just as well as I do that it will be amazing,” I coo with a cocky, yet lazy, grin.
Niko chuckles and then leans into me, brushing my cheek with the back of his hand. I nestle into the touch and don’t stop myself from inhaling his intoxicating scent. “Is that right? What makes you so sure? What makes you think you can even handle me?” he breathes seductively in my ear, sending shivers up and down my spine.
I turn my head, letting my cheek graze his. Feeling emboldened with liquid courage, I grasp his shirt and pull his body into mine, parting my legs to welcome him. “You know we all have superpowers, Niko. Mine just so happen to be fighting and fucking. And I’m exceptionally good at both,” I rasp, my lips mere centimeters from his neck. “Now the choice is yours. Do you wanna fuck or fight?”
I hear Niko take in a sharp breath and he pulls away, taking a step back to put some distance between our warm bodies. He frowns, his blue eyes searching my face for any trace of humor. “You’re serious.” His hands grasp my shoulders firmly and not in an intimate way.
I shrug out of his hold and turn back towards the bar to down my poison. “Yes, I am serious, Niko,” I murmur grabbing a shot glass. Before I can bring it to my lips, Niko snatches it away, gulping it down before I can stop him.
“What happened to you, Gabs? Talk to me. This isn’t you.”
I snort and roll my eyes. “What happened to me? Maybe you should ask your brother that.”
Niko raises a brow. “Ask him what?” He shakes his head and puts a hand up to halt any further explanation. “Let’s just get you home. We can talk once I sober you up.” He fishes out a bill and slaps it on the bar before wrapping his arm around me to usher me out of the bar. Realizing that there are no more shots in front of me, I let him pull my alcohol-laden body from my chemical sanctuary.
Niko leads me into the backseat of a dark SUV and slides beside me. After breathing in the fresh, frigid air, I suddenly feel completely hammered and slump against the door frame. I can’t even see who’s in the driver’s seat and am too far gone to care enough to ask. Niko mutters something under his breath and the car begins to move, making the swimming in my head turn into a full-on tsunami.
“Come here, baby girl,” Niko says pulling me into his lap, realizing how drunk I really am. He cradles me lovingly and I rest my head on his shoulder, breathing in his freshness. I feel his lips on my forehead and his hands stroking my hair. It feels so good and so amazingly comforting, I fight the urge to let down my guard and release the emotion festering inside me.
We’re at my apartment in what feels like seconds. Niko helps me inside though I insist I can somewhat walk on my own. However, what is waiting for me behind my bedroom door completely sobers me.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I spew, glaring violently at a solemn-face Dorian. Niko steps from behind me and eases the door closed.
Dorian looks to his baby brother and frowns. “What happened to her?” He steps towards me but I recoil, trudging to the far end of my room, muttering an endless stream of curses and infuriated babble.
Niko shakes his head. “I don’t know, bro. I found her at some bar, already sloshed out of her mind. What did you do?”
Dorian looks to me, his blue eyes painted with confusion. “Nothing. I don’t know. I thought we… She said she was coming over. We had plans… I don’t know,” he grimaces.
Even in my inebriated haze, even with rage and pain eating me from the inside out, his beautiful face nearly brings me to my knees. I just want to run into his arms and let him kiss it all away. Even after how deeply he has wounded me time and time again, I can’t turn it off. I can’t make my heart stop loving him no matter how bad I want to.
“Gabriella,” he breathes. “Tell me what happened. Tell me what’s wrong. Please, little girl.”
An audible growl escapes through my clenched teeth. “Do. Not. Call. Me. That,” I grit. “You don’t get to call me that ever again, you lying sack of shit.”
Dorian looks to Niko and frowns before turning his softer gaze back to me. “Please, Gabriella. I don’t know why you’re angry with me. Tell me so I can make it right,” he pleads.
“You can’t. You can’t make this right. You did this! You destroyed us! You destroyed me!” I shriek, moving towards him with balled fists. The room erupts into violent tremors, emitting a low roar.
Niko steps in front of me to try to calm me down. The moment he places his hands on me, he winces with pain and jerks away. “Aw, shit!”
Dorian keeps advancing but stops a good three feet away from me. He has experienced my wrath for himself and it would be stupid of him to come any further. “What did I do? I can’t fix this if you don’t tell me what I did.”
“You can’t fix this!” I scream.
Dorian takes a tiny step forward, putting his palms up in caution. “Now, Gabriella, tell me what I did. Tell me how to make this right. Whatever it is, I can fix it. Let me fix it for you. For us,” he pleads.
“Us?” I sneer. “There is no us, Dorian. Not anymore. You broke us.”
“How? I thought we were…I thought this was working,” he says, gesturing between us.
Niko takes a step back, hoping to give us just a bit of privacy, yet keeps his eyes trained on me just in case he needs to intervene. They both seem…hesitant. Maybe even a bit nervous. What could these deadly forces be afraid of? How could they see a threat in me?
“You,” I growl, jutting a finger towards him. “You want to know how? You want to know how you ripped me apart, limb from fucking limb?” I forcefully stuff my hand in my coat pocket to fish out my cell phone. Then I throw it at his head, hoping it will somehow clock him in his beautiful face. Of course, he catches it without blinking.
“Check the unknown text message, asshole,” I add, taking a step back. I don’t need to see it again. There’s no way I could survive witnessing his betrayal once more.
Dorian presses a few buttons and looks at the phone with a stern expression. Then he makes a pained groan, causing Niko to instantly ghost to his side to see the cause of his agony. After a few seconds, Dorian’s younger brother cringes then shakes his head at him. Then he looks up to me with sympathetic eyes. I almost want to slap the look from his perfect face. I don’t need his pity.
After the torturous sounds of passion have ceased, my gaze locks on Dorian’s staggered expression. “Little girl…Gabriella…it’s not what you think,” he stammers, eyes widened in horror.
“Not what I think?” I shout, angry tears stinging my eyes. “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see what the hell is going on with my own damn eyes, Dorian! Don’t you dare try to twist this around to make me think otherwise! You are a liar, a cheater, and the scum of the fucking Earth! You are just like your father. No…you’re worse. At least he is honest about what he is.”
“But that’s not-”
“Shut up!” I shriek. Hot, salty tears finally stream down my cheeks with the outburst. “Shut the hell up, Dorian! Everything you say or do is to benefit your fucked up agenda to control me! I don’t want to hear it anymore! I don’t want you anymore!”
Dorian flashes directly in front of me with no regard for his own safety during my tirade. In the same instant, Niko positions himself at my side. “But it meant nothing!” Dorian shouts. “Listen to me! She means nothing! I love you and only you! Nothing happened!”
The very words cause my ears to burn fiercely. As if my mind and body have somehow become disjointed, my hand is swinging in front of me and connecting with Dorian’s cheek with more force than I have ever exuded, causing him to stagger to his side. Unable to detect how and where I conjured that type of strength, I gasp yet maintain my unrelenting anger.
Dorian composes himself instantly though I can see a small trickle of blood in the corner of his mouth. He sucks the inside of his lip, tasting the metallic substance, his nostrils flaring with unshed fury. Both of our chests heave rapidly as we glare daggers at the other with glassy eyes. The humming tension in the room evolves into a rumble, the air around our heated bodies shimmering with an iridescent current.
“Gabriella…” he whispers, his voice cracking with emotion.
I shake my head at the sound of my name on his tongue. It’s wrong; it’s all wrong now. It’s all a lie. I knew that he could never truly care for me. I knew he could never understand the depth of my feelings for him. Even now, accepting his deception as truth, I can’t help but love him, though every fucking part of me wants to hate him.
“I hate you,” I whisper, hoping to breathe truth into my thoughts by saying them aloud. “I hate you and I never want to see you again. You are dead to me, Dorian.”
“But you can’t believe this. It’s not what-”
“Save it,” I say raising a hand in front of my face. I grasp the necklace around my neck and pull, causing the chain to scrape the bare skin of my neck before snapping. I gather the precious diamond pendant in my palm before launching it at his chest. “Get the fuck out. And don’t ever come back.”
Still clutching the necklace to his chest and looking at me with a myriad of tormented emotion, Dorian lets a lone tear slide down his flushed cheek. The sight causes the crumbled remains of my heart to stir yet it is not enough to break my resolve. It’s not enough to put me back together again. We are dead and gone. What Dorian and I had cannot be resuscitated.
He looks to Niko, another tear escaping yet he makes no move to swipe it away. “Stay with her…please,” he rasps.
Niko nods then claps a hand on Dorian’s shoulder, looking as if he is fighting his own tears at the sight of his brother’s pain. Everything inside me is shouting, urging me to go to him and wrap my arms around him. To give him the chance to explain and forgive him. To kiss away his anguished tears and hold him close to me until we both drift off to sleep. But I can’t. I can’t give him that because I honestly have nothing else to give.
Dorian looks back to me, tears trickling down his face. Seeing him so broken makes the compulsion to comfort him that much stronger but I fight against it, closing my eyes to erase his wounded beauty from my vision.
“I love you, little girl,” I hear him whisper with a cracking voice.
I reopen my eyes only to see dissipating clouds of grey before me. He’s gone; it’s over. And the finality of that thought tears me in two. With a loud, soul-shattering sob, I fall to my knees and grip my chest, my entire frame shaking violently as the giant tears gush from my eyes and drip into my mouth and all over my shirt. I cough and choke, my chest aching with every pained howl. I feel like I’m dying the slowest, cruelest death in history.
Niko drops to his knees, scooping me into his arms. He coos and whispers his sympathies, trying desperately to calm me. “Shhhhh, it’s ok, baby girl. It’s gonna be alright.” He rocks me back in forth in his arms, allowing me to bury my tear-streaked face into his chest.
“I…can’t…he…why,” I sputter between gut-wrenching sobs.
“I know, I know,” he whispers, kissing my hair. “I know it hurts.”
After I have regained control of my breathing and can stop shaking enough to stand, Niko leads me to my bed. Gently, he helps me out of my clothing, not even fixing his lips to make a licentious remark. His gaze doesn’t even rest on my body in a lustful way. Once I am stripped down to my underwear and bra, he sits me down and goes to rummage through my drawers in search of a t-shirt. He puts it over my head and even eases my arms through as if I am helpless. And in this moment, that is exactly how I feel. Helpless, hopeless, and absolutely lifeless.
Niko eases my head down onto a pillow and my endless stream of tears quickly drenches the pillow case. He scoots my body under the covers and tucks me in gently, pressing his lips chastely on my wet cheek.
“Don’t,” I croak, sniffling, looking up at him with bloodshot eyes. “Please don’t go. Don’t leave me. Please.”
Niko gazes down at me, his face full of compassion and understanding. He nods then undresses, slipping under the comforter in his t-shirt and boxers. He pulls my body into his and wraps an arm around me, holding me close to his chest. His warmth and comfort squeezes out a fresh wave of tears, yet he doesn’t let go or push me away. Niko holds me even tighter, randomly kissing my forehead and hair and murmuring calming words until I have cried every drop of moisture in my body and fall into a wistful slumber.
I AWAKE PRESSED against a warm, hard chest, a thin white t-shirt the only thing deterring skin to skin contact. Strong arms are wrapped tightly around me and my leg is slung over a bare, muscular thigh. I peel my eyes open and the bright sunlight assaults my sore eyes, causing me to groan.
“Are you ok?” a hoarse, yet sexy, voice asks. I prop my body up to peer at Niko. He allows the movement yet doesn’t remove his arms from around me. “How do you feel today?” He gives me a hopeful half-smile and runs a hand through my wild hair. He, on the other hand, looks absolutely perfect.
I shrug and lay my head back down on his chest, refusing to look him in the face with a lie. “I’m ok.”
“Mmmm,” he hums. “Well, I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”
I nod against him and let my eyes close. “Thank you, Niko. I mean it. Thank you.” I inhale the scent of him and let out a small sigh. “Just keep holding me for now. Just don’t let go. Because right now, you’re the only thing holding me together.” Then I drift back to sleep, not ready to face the world just yet.
When I finally wake up for the second time, I can see it is afternoon. I am still against Niko’s body, our legs tangled together under the sheets. Though this could be misconstrued as inappropriate, feeling his body next to mine only feels comforting and innocent. Plus he isn’t pitching a tent, thank God.
“Hey you, feeling rested?” he murmurs.
Though my body feels stiff and sore and my head is pounding from crying and drinking my weight in Jack Daniels, I sit up and nod. “Yeah. Thanks for everything.” I try to muster up at least a small grin, but I just don’t have the strength. It still hurts too much to pretend.
Niko cracks a smile and strokes my cheek adoringly. “Good. Are you hungry?”
I shake my head, unable to even stomach the thought of food. “Nah. I’m good. I just want to take a shower and try to figure out what to do next.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, pushing himself upright.
“I need to get my stuff outta here and go back home.” I look down at my hands and bite my trembling lip, desperately trying to push away the hurt.
“Gabs, you can’t do that. It’s not safe. You need to stay here until your birthday.”
My eyes snap to his. “Why?”
Niko huffs out his resignation. “Because you are too close to your ascension and you could hurt your human parents. Plus, you are easier to detect. You could lead someone right to them. Especially now that you don’t want Dor-”
“Don’t say it! Just…don’t say it!” I command, shaking my head. “Ok, I get it. But what makes you think I am safe here? That anyone is safe around me?”
“The apartment is spelled. Very few forces can penetrate the wards. And Morgan is probably the safest person you know. She’s protected in a way that none of us can understand or alter.” He reaches out to take my hands in his. “And right now, it just isn’t a good idea. I know you are upset and hurt. Rightfully so. But you have to be smart. You only have a few more months. Stick it out. And if you feel like you still don’t want to be here, then you can go where ever you want.”
“Hurt?” I scoff. “Upset? Niko, do you understand what…he did? Do you realize how many times he has torn me apart? I was fine before. I didn’t need him to come into my life. I was content. But he just wouldn’t leave me alone. And even after the first betrayal, when I finally found out who and what he is, he still wouldn’t leave me alone. He just keeps hurting me just so he can dust me off and make it all better.” I blink furiously and try to swallow down the knot of emotion in my throat. “And like a fool, I keep letting him.”
Niko nods solemnly, unable to say anything in his brother’s defense. “I understand. I truly do. But think about who else may get hurt in all this. How much harder it will be for you if your family is hurt. Just please consider this.”
I look down at my hands, to the blue anchor burned into my skin. The constant reminder of the man I loved and lost. Still love. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I was the only one who felt that urge, who felt compelled to be with him at all costs. It was never real for him, I know that now.
“You ever been in love, Niko?” I ask, my eyes still fixed on my hand, cursed to forever wear that reminder.
He shifts on the bed uncomfortably and nods. “Yes.”
“Truly in love? In love enough that just the thought of losing them ripped you apart? That you felt like you wanted to die just to make the pain cease?”
Again, he nods. “Yes.”
I look up at him curiously. “What happened?”
Niko looks away and swallows, grimacing as if there is a painful knot in his throat. “She was human.”
“She died?” I ask, though I know the answer.
"Yes."
Compassion falls over me and I grasp his hand. “Did she grow old and pass away?”
Niko brings his glassy eyes back to me, his face flush with sudden emotion. “No.”
I can see the memory is still fresh in Niko’s mind so I don’t press for more. He’s hurting, and judging by the strained look on his face, he may be hurting just as bad as I am. He lost his love, just like I did. Our heartbreak is just another element of our solidarity.
“You may never stop loving him,” Niko suddenly whispers, reading my anguish. “But slowly the pain of loving gets easier to handle. It eventually goes from a debilitating burn to a dull ache. Sometimes you’ll be reminded of that love, and it will pierce you in a way that makes you believe that you are dying again. But with time those reminders become few and far between. You’ll be able to find joy in the things you did before your love came into your life. You’ll be able to push down the rising panic whenever you hear their name. You’ll be able to live again. And even though the memory of that love may never leave, it will remain just that: a memory. A memory that one day you’ll be able to smile through when you recall it.”
I let Niko’s words sink in and tuck it away to carry with me. Dorian, my crazed love for him, my all-consuming need for his touch will eventually become a memory. A ghost of a time when I felt safe and adored. A time when I felt alive. I know I will survive this; I will live through it. But I’ll never again feel alive. And just as Dorian will become a ghost of my past, I know I will find myself fading into a ghost of myself.