New Year's Eve
I TOLD MYSELF I wouldn’t take my dreary disposition into the New Year. It just wouldn’t feel right to be down and mopey when everyone would be so buoyant and happy. I used to be the same way and honestly, I want to be way again. As much as I hate to admit it, I craved the mediocrity of the old Gabs. The Gabs that got excited about a night out with friends. The Gabs that relished an evening of carnival games and rides. The human Gabs. I want to be that girl again.
“You look…good,” Morgan remarks behind me as we assess my outfit choice in the full-length mirror. We’d been working at healing our friendship in the past week or so. I really owed her an apology for my behavior and as always, she forgave me without question. She really is a better friend to me than I am to her.
“But?” I ask with a grimace.
“Well…let’s be honest. Your ass has always been one of your best assets. And right now, it’s pretty non-existent,” she snickers. “If you don’t start eating, I will pin you down and force feed you. I am not above bodily force.”
“I do eat,” I say quietly, though even I can’t deny the negative effect my weight loss has caused.
“But I gotta admit, the tats are hot! I love them. They really fit your whole ‘I’m-a-bad-girl-and-I-just-don’t-give-a-fuck’ persona.”
My mouth works into a small smile as I adjust the strapless shimmery top I’ve chosen for our night on the town. Morgan wanted me in a dress, of course, but she didn’t press the issue once I had agreed to go out. It was a big step for me, officially showing that I had returned to the living. Yes, I was alive. Not a ghost, not an empty shell. I had chosen to live again for my family and friends. And for me.
If I am being honest with myself, I had become pretty damn pathetic. Some girls cry and scream for days after a breakup. Some eat their feelings, trying to fill the void with pints of Ben & Jerry’s. Others even take bats and bricks to their estranged lover’s car. Well me…I drank myself into numbness and became withdrawn. In many ways, my coping mechanism was worst. It not only hurt me, it hurt everyone that I cared for. I became exactly what Jared said I was- a liability.
So I am on a mission, Operation: Happy Back. Sure, my love life had turned to shit and there was pretty much a supernatural bounty hunter after me. But somehow, some way, I am alive and for that reason alone, I have something to live for.
After another twenty minutes of the Morgan once-over, we hop in her Mustang and head towards Mansion, a super trendy club known for its once a year blowouts. We check our coats and thrust ourselves into the rambunctious crowd, the sounds of noise-makers, cheers and music vibrating the vast space.
“What? No VIP, Morgan?” I ask, as we flag down one of many bartenders.
“Girl, please! On New Years Eve? Not even baby Jesus himself has that kinda clout!”
We make our rounds, stopping to chat with former classmates and friends. I plaster on my most carefree smile, hoping like hell that I even slightly resemble my former self. It’s a feat, and between the sideways glances and sympathetic smiles, I know that word has gotten around. It would be so easy to just fall back into my old habits. With all the alcohol circulating, I could simply grab a few shots and numb the ache slowly making its way back into my chest. I’d be able to ignore the uncomfortable looks and half-hearted greetings.
But I can’t return to that, not only for my sake but for Morgan’s as well. That night in the dark alley really opened my eyes. The thought of feeling so violated and helpless is one that I hope to never revisit. I still haven’t told any of my friends or family about the incident in fear that they’d try to force me to report it. And there’s no way I could explain why there is absolutely no trace of my attacker anywhere.
“Hey, look who’s here.” Morgan points to three faces I hadn’t seen in weeks. Maybe closer to months. It’s hard to really tell how long I had been buried underneath my own grief.
“Hey, ladies,” Miguel smiles, moving in to kiss Morgan on the cheek. He gives me an awkward one armed hug and I instantly feel like shit. When did things get so weird?
“Gabs!” James exclaims, pulling me into his arms. He squeezes me tight before pulling back to assess my frame with a raised brow, yet he doesn’t comment. “See you got some new ink. Nice.”
I smile at James warmly before turning my attention to his younger brother. Jared’s guarded green eyes scan the length of my body before resting on my face. The uneasiness that presented itself upon his approach is quickly replaced with warmth and familiarity.
“Hey, Gabs,” he says, his mouth working into my favorite boyish grin. Any iciness I felt moments before instantly melts.
“Hey, Jared.”
We stand just taking in the sight of each other, not quite sure if we should make any move to embrace. Jared finally makes the first move, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close to his chest. He feels just like I remember- full of goodness, comfort and security. And the smell of Irish Spring is still prevalent though he is wearing cologne. He smells of Jared. My Jared. The man I once loved since he was a boy.
“Oh shit! I love this song! Remember this, Gabs?” Morgan squeals, causing Jared and I to pull away, though our eyes are still joined. I force myself to focus on the blaring beats vibrating the room. Great, it’s Danity Kane’s “Damaged.” How fitting.
Before I can protest, we are pulled onto the dance floor and thrust into the raucous crowd. Somehow Jared and I are crammed together, dancing closer than either one of us are really comfortable with. But instead of making it awkward, he takes each of my hands and dances with me as if it is the most natural thing in the world. As if I was made to be in his arms.
“You look really good, Gabs,” he whispers in my ear, his warm breath washing over me.
I pull away a bit to give him a skeptical look. “You don’t have to say that. I am well aware that my ass has run for the hills,” I chuckle.
Jared gives me a sheepish smile and shakes his head. “But you look better. Happy.”
I nod though I can’t admit to being truly happy. Not yet, at least. I know I’ll learn to let go and live and accept everything this life has to offer me. But it will take time to heal. My heart is slowly mending. I know I’ll get there eventually and that sliver of hope brings a smile to my face. I can learn to be happy again.
We dance through song after song, slipping back into our once seamless companionship. Having him here with me makes me realize just how much I’ve missed him and I am quickly flooded with fond memories. My mind drifts to St. Patrick’s Day when Jared confessed his true feelings for me. It seems like years ago though it has only been about 9 months. Have things really changed so much in that short span of time?
“I owe you an apology,” Jared murmurs in my ear. He has lead me off the dance floor and we are stationed at the bar in search of beverages.
I shake my head, not wanting to spoil the mood. “It’s fine.”
“No, no it’s not fine. I was a total dick to you, Gabs,” he explains. “And I hate to admit it, but part of me blamed you for everything that happened.”
I give Jared a pointed glare. He blames me?
Reading the confusion on my face, Jared quickly continues. “I blamed you because I thought if you had chosen me, if you had just tried to see yourself happy with me, you would have never been with Dorian. You would have never fallen for him. And I would have never met Aurora. It could have just been me and you. Like it was supposed to be.”
I give him a small smile though I’m not quite sure what to say. “Everything happens for a reason,” I finally offer though it sounds generic. Part of me really does wish I had chosen Jared. I could have saved us both the heartache of finding out just how cruel love can be. We could have been happy together.
“Maybe so,” he shrugs. “But you have to know that I never meant to hurt you. Everything I said was out of hurt and anger. I didn’t mean a word of it.”
Before I can respond, the rest of the gang comes bounding through the crowd, laughing jovially. I grin inwardly as the conversation was becoming too intense for the lively atmosphere. Miguel pulls Morgan’s svelte frame into his and I cock a brow at the public display of affection. Morgan plants a kiss on his full lips and wraps her arms around him, causing a nearly audible gasp of surprise to leave my lips. Have I been so caught up in my own drama that I have totally failed to see what has been going on right in front of me? I silently scold myself; I’ve been a horrible friend.
Realizing how much all of us have been through in the past year yet somehow we are still intact makes me smile. Our friendships have changed, we’ve grown, we’ve matured, but we are still together. These four people before me have seen me through the toughest times of my life. And though things have been shaky between us, I know we’ll survive anything that life may throw at us. We have to. Because if there is anyone who is worth surviving for- is worth fighting for- it’s them.
“Hey Gabs, get a picture of us!” Morgan shrieks, laughing into Miguel’s neck as he hoists her leg up around his waist provocatively.
I fish out my little rinky-dink digital camera and capture the moment. “Ok, now all of you get in it!” I exclaim, gesturing for Jared and James to join the frame. They all strike equally silly poses while I snap a few more.
“Oh, crap,” I frown down at my camera. “Says my memory is full. Let me clear out some pics.” I hit the button to review my photos and scroll through. Then it tumbles from my fingertips, crashing to the floor with a clatter.
Jared rushes to my side, picking up the camera before assessing my stunned, watery gaze. “What’s wrong, Gabs?” he asks, his brow furrowed with worry.
I can’t answer him. I can’t say a thing in fear that every squelched emotion will come flooding back to me. Jared looks down at my camera and begins to scroll through the photos that caused me to freeze in horror. Photos of Dorian and me that day at the park music festival back in the Spring. Photos when I thought I was truly happy. Pictures of us smiling, kissing, hugging, making funny faces. Candid shots of him looking away thoughtfully. A few of him looking at me with my favorite crooked, mischievous grin as if he adored me.
I look over at my friends who are none the wiser at my impending meltdown then my eyes lock with Jared’s emerald green pools. He’s worried and maybe a little sad for me. I open my mouth to say something but no sound escapes.
“Hey guys, I’m not feeling well all of a sudden,” he shouts over to our group of cackling friends. “You guys party on. Gabs, think you could give me a ride?” he asks looking down at me sympathetically. I nod and Jared gingerly intertwines his finger with mine.
We bid our friends goodbye and make our way back to Paralia per Jared’s request. I don’t question him; I am just thankful for the distraction. Now more than ever I am thankful at how well he knows me. Maybe he is just as hell-bent on protecting me from myself as everybody else is.
I retreat to my room to strip out of my tight clothing and slip on some sweats while Jared rummages through the kitchen. I need comfort right now. I need to feel somewhat whole again.
“So let’s see…we’ve got grapes, cheese and some frou-frou girly pink champagne,” Jared smiles entering my room just as I am removing my makeup.
“Sounds good,” I grin genuinely before joining him on the floor where he’s laid out my comforter and some throw pillows for a makeshift picnic. I take a hefty gulp of the champagne, urgently trying to wash away the memory of the picnic Dorian prepared for us months ago. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, he consumes every thought and I hate it.
“So…,” Jared begins, fingering a grape nervously. “Have you seen him? Since then?”
Great. He wants to talk about the very thing I need to forget. I shrug. “Yeah. We’ve talked. I’ve tried to forgive him but there are just some things that are unforgivable.”
“Yeah, I know,” he replies, not meeting my gaze. He frowns into the champagne flute in his hand. “She called me and tried to explain. But I couldn’t believe it, you know. I couldn’t let her keep lying to me.”
A sympathetic hand grasps his, causing him to look up. I plaster on my best reassuring smile. “You really did care about her, huh?”
“I thought I did,” he shrugs. “But honestly, I was more upset about losing you than losing her. I was just mad and I didn’t know why. I knew you were hurting and I couldn’t even comfort you because I was too caught up in my own selfish anger.”
I nod, not quite sure what to say but don’t move my hand away. Jared squeezes it gently. “Ok, enough of the heavy stuff. We need music,” he announces, jumping to his feet to tinker with my sound system. He settles on Justin Timberlake before flopping back down and kicking off his shoes. “Ok, truth or dare?”
My eyes grow wide with playful shock. “Oh, hell no! I haven’t played that game since high school!”
“All the more reason to play it with me now. Come on, Gabs, it’s only us!” he smiles brightly.
I roll my eyes and let out a puff of air. “Fine, fine! But I get to go first!” Jared gestures for me to proceed and I perk up into a wicked grin. “Truth or dare?”
“Hmmm, I’ll go with dare.”
I look up to the ceiling, thinking of what I could dare him to do without crossing any unseen lines. “I dare you to down the rest of your champagne.”
“Too easy,” he snorts before tipping the glass up and downing its contents in one gulp. “Ok, my turn. Truth or dare?”
“Truth,” I say with an exasperated sigh. This could go very wrong in about 2.5 seconds.
“Is it true that…you hooked up with Trevor Mason in the 11th grade?”
“What?” I exclaim, more than happy that he didn’t ask me anything about Dorian or the past 9 months. “No way! He told you that?”
Jared shrugs refilling our champagne glasses. “Hey, according to him, you guys got it on in the coat closet at Becca Franklin’s house.”
“Well, that is so untrue. I should totally kick his ass the next time I see him.” I take a sip of my champagne then pop a grape into my mouth. “Ok, your turn. Truth or dare?”
“What the hell, I’ll take truth,” he smiles before taking a sip.
“Ok. I’ve always wondered but never thought it was my place to ask. But…why slum it at community college? Why didn’t you just enroll at UCCS to begin with? Your grades were surely good enough. Mine, not so much. But you could’ve definitely gotten in.”
Jared runs a hand through his wild auburn locks and makes a face at the ceiling. His green eyes fall back to me as he sighs, releasing his reluctance. “Honestly? You, Gabs. I went for you. I wanted to be wherever you were.”
Shock paints my face. “Really?” I ask with a wavering voice. “Why?”
He smiles and grasps my hand in his, studying our conjoined fingers. “Because I knew a long time ago that you were the one for me. There may have been other girls but they were just temporary placeholders for you.”
He lifts his head, his dazzling greens finding my eyes and holding them captive with his intensity. “Gabs, I know you. I know you like to play tough to keep people from getting close to you. I know you crack jokes to mask your insecurities. And I know you think that being alone will keep you from getting hurt. And knowing all that, plus everything else that makes you the crazy as hell, shit-talkin’ chick that you are, I still wanted you. And I still do.”
I have no idea how to respond to that yet a million thoughts rush to the forefront of my mind. I’ve loved this man for longer than I can remember. There was a time that I would have done anything- been anything- for him. I can’t deny the love I have for him, and I know that those feelings will always be there. Whether or not that type of love could grow into a romantic relationship is the question.
Maybe I am meant to be with Jared. Maybe he is exactly what I need: stability, compassion, goodness. Maybe he is the one anchoring me to my human life, a life that I so desperately need to hang on to. Everything that has happened to me has proven that I have no place elsewhere. I’m right back to where I started. I still don’t fit in.
Jared assesses the mix of emotions flashing across my face. “Gabs?” he squeezes my hand a bit, trying to bring me back to the here and now. “Gabs, truth or dare?”
Here it is- that pivotal moment when you’re standing at a proverbial crossroads. Jared has just bared his soul to me and in turn, he deserves that I do the same. With just a few simple words, I could give him what he wants. I could make him happy. But in the same token, I could completely crush him. And that’s the last thing I want to do to him, no matter which way this goes.
“Dare,” I whisper.
Jared tugs my hand a bit, pulling me forward and closing the distance between us. Then he utters the words that have been on the tip of his tongue since he divulged his true feeling for me. “Kiss me.”
Instinctively, I moisten my lips with a sweep of my tongue and sit up on my knees. It’s just a kiss, a simple show of emotion towards someone I care about deeply. And who’s to say that I could not love him like I used to? Dorian may consume a large part of my heart, and maybe he always will. But there’s room for Jared. There’s always been room for Jared.
The moment our lips touch, I melt into him. Jared holds me gently at the small of my back, pulling me close to his body. It feels safe and inviting here. It feels like home.
We pull away after a few moments, not able to do much more than stare into each other’s eyes. So much has gone unsaid yet there are really no words to sum up what has just transpired.
Jared breaks into a sultry grin and grips my hips. “I think we can do better than that.”
His lips collide with mine, searing me with years of unspoken love and passion. I gasp at the sudden contact and he easily slides his warm tongue against mine, tasting of sweet grapes and champagne. This is different from any other we’ve shared. This is what our first kiss should have been like. Because if it was, I would’ve picked Jared. I would’ve felt just how deeply he adores and desires me in that kiss. I would have moaned my gratitude into his mouth and tried to convey the same. I would have given him, and him alone, my whole heart.
Jared pulls his mouth away with a groan, resting his forehead against mine. “I’m not asking to be a replacement. I know that’s something I could never be.” His fingers rake through my hair and he presses his lips to mine for just a moment before pulling them away again. “But if you could just…try. Try to let me love the hurt away, Gabs. Try to let me in so I can heal the parts of you that are broken. Because I swear…I will never hurt you. I will never do what he’s done. I’ll make it my mission to bring you back to life.”
I close my eyes and absorb his earnest declaration. Every part of me believes him; there is no one I trust more. And in that moment, I want the same. I want Jared to bring me back to life. If anyone could do just that, it’s him.
“Ok,” I whisper just centimeters from his lips. “I can try.”
With our foreheads still joined and my eyes still closed, I feel him smile. His mouth unites with mine as he slowly eases our bodies down onto the comforter. “Oh God, Gabs, you don’t know how happy you’ve made me,” he mumbles against my lips. “I just want to show you how much you mean to me.”
I return his smile and wrap my arms around his neck, running my fingers through his hair. “Happy New Year, Jared.”
“Happy New Year, Gabs,” he murmurs, stroking my cheek. His green eyes shine as he looks down at me with so much adoration, I can literally feel his warmth embrace me. “I love you.”
THE SHRILL DINGING of my cell phone rouses me from the most contented sleep I’ve had in months. I stretch my arms above my head and slowly peel my eyes open before quickly shielding them from the bright sun streaming through my curtains. Then it hits me.
Last night…Jared…Us. The memories flood my mind in a rush, causing me to sit up abruptly. Then I smile, letting my eyes close to savor each remembrance of the previous hours. It was…absolutely perfect. Everything I imagined about Jared could not live up to how remarkably sweet and tender he was. My eyes scan the empty space next to me and my smile falters. He’s gone. Before panic sets in, my cell phone- conveniently resting on the pillow next to mine- perks again signaling another text message. I quickly grab it.
From Jared, 9:34 A.M.
-Good morning, beautiful. I can’t tell you how amazing it was to wake up next to you. Sorry I had to cut out but I have to work & I didn’t want to wake you. I want nothing more than to lay with you all day and night.
-I want you to know that I have no regrets. And I meant every word of what I said. I love you, Gabs. Call me later?
I hug my phone to my chest and grin, falling back into the mound of pillows and giggling to myself.
“Are you trying to kill me?”
I gasp in surprise, clutching the comforter and drawing it up to my chin before sitting back up.
“What the hell are you doing here, Dorian?” I all but scream.
Dorian slowly makes his way to the side of my bed, his expression stoic as he sits down beside me. He looks as beautiful as I remember him and while my heart aches at the memory, it doesn’t kill me. Not anymore. Jared’s love has cushioned the blow.
“Have you no feelings for me at all? No concern for how that would feel to me?”
I swallow my trepidation, taking in the sight of his anguished face though he refuses to look at me. “I’ll ask you again. What the hell are you doing here?”
Finally his blue eyes sink into mine, so full of pain and anger that I take in a sharp breath at the sight. “How could you?” he grits though a tense jaw. “You are mine, Gabriella. You belong to me. Do you know what you have done?”
“Belong to you?” I spit back with a frown. “Dorian, I’m not yours. Not anymore. And furthermore, I am completely justified in moving on. You obviously have.”
Quicker than I can see, Dorian grasps my hand, his touch nearly burning me with vicious tingles. He brings it up, exposing his mark. “This says otherwise, Gabriella. You are mine, whether you like it or not. Mine.” His murderous glare penetrates my own annoyance and I pull my hand free, tucking it back under the covers.
“Only in the supernatural sense,” I reply, more meekly than I intend. “Isn’t this what you wanted? For me to find someone safe? Someone human? To lead a happy life with someone that could love me the way I deserve?”
Dorian takes my words like a blow to the gut and he closes his eyes to compose himself. “But I love you,” he shouts fervently. “And I don’t want any of this! You know that! I don’t want you with him or anyone else.”
I shake my head. “That’s not your call to make. Not anymore. You made your choice. You chose Aurora. She’s the one you’re marrying, Dorian. Not me. Concern yourself with her.”
He takes a deep breath before facing me again. “What is it going to take? You want me to give it all up? Fight against my father and my people? Commit mutiny. Shit! Fine, I’ll do it! Will that make you happy?”
I reel back with a disgusted look, confused by his anger. “I don’t want anything from you! I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t tell you to invade my life. You did this!”
“Little girl, you are my world,” he says, clutching my hand firmly. “But you are crushing me. You’re killing me. Knowing you want someone other than me physically makes me sick.”
I shake my head and pull away from his touch. “Welcome to the club. I’ve been in my own personal hell for months. I can’t deal with your pain and my own, Dorian.” I swallow against the knot in my throat and let my eyes close, conjuring strength. “You have to stop this. You have to stop coming in and out of my life. You have to leave me alone for good if I’m ever going to get over you.”
He cringes as if my words have sliced right through him. My first instinct is to comfort him but I resist. No. He’s no longer mine to console.
“You want me to let you go?” he asks, pain etched on his face.
“I want you to let me be happy. I can’t do that if I keep hoping you’ll turn up. I know you’re not good for me, but that doesn’t make me stop feeling what I feel for you.”
He nods though I can tell it’s a nearly impossible feat for him to accept. “I’ll never stop loving you, you know that.”
I smile through my pain, knowing that I’m doing the right thing. It has to be. Even as the newly mended pieces of my broken heart quiver and crack, I know this has to be done. We both need to let go so we can live again.
“I know,” I whisper hoarsely around the lump in my throat.
I watch through watery eyes as Dorian flashes me his wickedly sexy crooked smile one last time. Then he’s gone, leaving me to hold on to that precious memory of him.
I cry one last time for the man that I love and will probably always love. I may learn to live again, and I may even learn to love again but it will never be the way that I love him. It will never be the all-consuming way that penetrates every bone in my body. I’ll always love Dorian Skotos, the Dark One who captured my soul and ruined me for anyone else.