I waited outside the radio station, leaning against Quinn’s car. I shivered in the early February breeze and clutched my coffee cup tighter, hoping the warmth would spread from my hands to the rest of my body. Quinn, not surprisingly, wouldn’t return my calls, no matter how many voicemails I left him.

I was leaving for New York next week, and he still didn’t know I was moving. I couldn’t give him the news via voicemail or text, so this ambush was my last resort.

The door swung open, and Quinn stepped out into the winter air, his head down against the wind, and my stomach tightened at the sight of him. Quinn’s eyes narrowed as he looked up and saw me. He stopped walking and started to turn around, like he was going to go back inside.

“Quinn, wait,” I called after him and jogged over to where he was still standing.

“What are you doing here, Chloe?”

“You wouldn’t answer my calls.”

“Maybe that’s because I don’t want to talk to you. I want to move on, but you keep fucking with my head.”

“I never wanted you to move on; I wanted to fix it. If it was up to me, we’d still be married, not going through divorce proceedings.” I shook my head; this wasn’t why I came here. I didn’t come to argue with him, to try to win him back … again. “I’m sorry, that’s not why I’m here,” I said with a sigh.

“Why are you here then?” he said, frustration in his voice.

“I’m moving to New York,” I said, and took a sip of my coffee. “I thought you should know.”

“When? Why?”

“Next week. I got a job working on a couple of special projects for Nike, but I’ll only be there for a year or so.”

“Chloe! That’s amazing!” For a fraction of a second, I saw the old Quinn in his eyes, the one who was always so proud of me. Then the flash was gone, and the new, more stoic Quinn was back in place. “That is really great.”

“I heard about your new show … congratulations. I told you they would be stupid to not give you a chance. I even listened to it a couple times. You are amazing, as always.”

“Thank you. It’s been great.”

We stood there awkwardly, unsure what to say to one another. The breeze picked up, and I shivered again. I reached in my pocket and handed him a business card with my New York address written on the back of it.

“That is my new address; you can send any divorce papers there, and I’ll do my best to get them back to you as soon as I can. I don’t want to hold up the process for you.”

My voice cracked on the last word, and I had to fight the urge to beg him for another chance. I couldn’t do it again. He’d made it clear he was done and moving on. I had to accept it. In the weeks since I’d taken the job in New York, I’d made peace with my decisions and was ready to start this new chapter of my life, but seeing Quinn standing here brought back all the feelings of regret and despair.

“Chloe,” He took a step closer to me. I turned away, afraid I might cry.

“I’m okay,” I said, turning back around to face him. “I’m sorry for everything. I want you to be happy. I know we had that, and I threw it away, but I hope you can find it again, with someone who deserves you and everything you have to offer, because God knows I don’t.”

“I’m happy for you,” he said. “You’re going to kick ass in New York.”

“Thank you.” I took a step closer and kissed him on the cheek before I turned and walked to my car.

“Chloe.” I turned back around at the sound of Quinn’s voice. “Good luck in New York.”

“I can’t wait to hear you on ESPN Radio one day,” I said. “Goodbye, Quinn.” I gave him one last long glance, before turning my back. A single tear ran down my cheek as I got in my car and closed the door on my past.

---

Before I knew it, it was the night before the move. My apartment was mostly empty—my clothes, books, kitchen wares, and the few pieces of furniture I was taking were already gone. Everything else was packed up and waiting for the moving guys who would come tomorrow and take it all to storage.

Dani was on her way, I’d already ordered Chinese, and had a six-pack of beer in the fridge. I sat down on the couch while I waited, going over my checklist for the thousandth time to make sure I wasn’t missing anything, even though I knew everything was done.

There was a knock on the door, and I checked the time on my phone.

“That was fast,” I mumbled to myself as I went to answer the door. I hadn’t expected Dani or the food to be here for another twenty minutes.

My heart nearly stopped when I opened the door to see Carson standing there. I hadn’t answered a single one of his calls or texts in the weeks since I’d told him I wasn’t ready to give him my heart. And there had been plenty of them. I couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t have his blond hair and blue eyes clouding my already questionable decision-making skills, couldn’t be distracted by the spark between us and the way he made my stomach flip.

“Carson,” I stammered.

“Surprised to see me?” he said, a cold edge to his voice. “I know Quinn moved out and filed for divorce weeks ago, and you still haven’t answered any of my calls or texts.”

I opened my mouth to ask how he knew that, but decided it wasn’t important. He had to leave before Dani got here, or she would lose her shit.

“Are you going to let me in?” He peered around me. His eyes narrowed when he noticed the boxes and missing furniture. “Are you moving?”

I moved aside and let him in. He turned and looked at me; a fire I’d never seen burned behind his eyes. He was mad.

“Chloe, are you moving?” he said calmly, but I could tell it was taking a lot of restraint for him to keep his composure.

“Yes,” I said, and then added in a whisper, “to New York.”

“Wait? What? Did I just hear you right? You’re moving to New York? Like, New York City?”

“Yes. I got a job offer from Nike to lead up some special projects there.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow.” I turned my head. I didn’t want to see the look on his face. The growl-like sound that came out of his mouth told me everything I needed to know.

“And you weren’t going to tell me?” He was hurt. I looked at him again. The anger in his eyes had faded, confusion and hurt in its place.

“Carson, I can explain. It’s all happened so fast, and then everything with Quinn. I didn’t know where we stood.” Anger flashed back across his face.

“That’s a fucking lie!” he yelled, then balled his hands. “When did they offer you the job?” he said, lowering his voice.

“Three weeks ago.” He ran a hand through his hair and paced back and forth in the kitchen, taking deep breaths as he walked.

“I can’t fucking believe this,” he mumbled. “You were seriously going to move across the fucking country without telling me?”

“Carson, what did you want? It wasn’t going to change anything; I would’ve taken the job no matter what. I’m going no matter what.”

“I wanted to know! Maybe spend some time with you, other than just fucking. Maybe figure out what the hell we do now.”

“It doesn’t even matter. I’m moving 3,000 miles away. I’ll be gone for over a year … what good would three weeks of half-assed dating done?” I asked.

“Don’t you get it?” Carson asked. “I love you, Chloe.”

The words slapped me in the face. That was not what I was expecting to hear. I had spent the last month terrified of telling him my feelings, afraid he wouldn’t feel the same way.

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not? It’s true.”

“No, it’s not. You might love having sex with me, but you barely even know me.” I brushed off his words, unwilling to accept what he was saying. His love would only make everything more complicated. “You don’t—” I started to say, but he cut me off.

“Don’t tell me how I feel.” Carson started pacing again. I checked the time; Dani would be here any minute.

“Carson,” I said quietly. He spun around and looked at me. “You have to leave. Dani will be here any minute, and she will kill us both if you’re here.”

“I don’t give a fuck about Dani.”

“Carson, please,” I begged. “I don’t want to fight with her my last night here.”

“What about me?” he yelled. I closed my eyes. Things might have been different if I weren’t leaving for New York. I might’ve ran into his arms and kissed him and told him I loved him too. But I couldn’t leave half my heart in Portland.

“I’m not ready for what you’re offering,” I said calmly. “New York doesn’t change that. I’ve barely had time to process the fact that I’ll be divorced soon. I’ve been with Quinn for eight years, and I need time to let go. I need time for me, to figure out what I want. It would only make everything worse to rush into something neither of us are really ready for. It wouldn’t be fair to pretend I can give you what you need right now, when I can’t, especially not from a distance.” Even though I knew I loved him, the words were true. I couldn’t jump into a relationship with him. I needed to focus on my job in New York. I couldn’t expect him to wait for me to be ready.

“I don’t want to let you go,” he said. “I was just getting started.”

“It’s already done. I have to go. It’s what I need, what I want.”

His face softened a little, like maybe he could understand where I was coming from. Our eyes met, and I swear we had a million conversations in those few seconds. Carson nodded and walked over to the door.

“Goodbye, Chloe.” He opened the door and was gone before I could say anything else.

Less than five minutes later, Dani knocked on the door, carrying the food.

“I ran into the delivery guy on the way in,” she explained as she dropped her purse on the floor and put the containers on the kitchen counter.

“I thought I saw Carson pulling out of the parking lot when I pulled in,” she said as she grabbed the two paper plates I had left on the counter and opened us both beers.

“You did,” I said, taking a drink of my beer. She spun around and glared at me. “Don’t freak out, it’s not like that. I’ve been ignoring him for weeks. He came looking for me, I told him I was moving to New York, he told me he loved me, I told him I wasn’t ready for that, and he left.”

I summed up our entire conversation in one sentence.

“He told you he loved you?” Dani raised an eyebrow at me. “And you didn’t tell him you loved him too?”

“I couldn’t. It’s not fair to tell him I love him, and then move across the country.”

“That’s basically what he did to you. Threw it in your face when he already knew you were moving.”

“I don’t think he was saying it just to get me to stay,” I said. Dani gave me a look that could have frozen over hell. “But I really think he meant it.”

“Well, he’s a little too late,” she said matter-of-factly.

“I wasn’t considering staying for him,” I said.

“Good, I would’ve beaten the shit out of you if you were.”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” I teased.

“No! But not taking your dream job in New York City because of a guy you fucked a few dozen times would be a bad decision.”

We drank beer and ate in silence for a few minutes, and I thought about all the random nights we’d had dinner together or laughed for hours about nonsense.

“I’m going to miss you,” I said, a tear rolling down my cheek.

“Don’t start this already!” Dani yelled through a mouthful of lo mein. She turned away, and when she looked back at me, her eyes were swimming with tears. “I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow.”

“I know, but I’ll be back.”

“Yeah right. They’ll get you there and will see what a creative genius you are and keep inventing new projects for you, just so you have to stay.”

“Then you’ll just have to come with me. I’m sure they need ultrasound techs in New York too.”

“Nah, I’m not cut out for that weather,” Dani said. “It’s like fifteen degrees there right now and one hundred in the summer. No thanks, I’ll keep my cool Portland weather and come visit you in the spring or fall when the weather is perfect.”

“Well, jeez, I’m glad the perfect climate is more important to you than your best friend.”

“The truth’s a bitch,” Dani laughed. “But seriously, you better not move there permanently and abandon me. How will I ever find a guy without my wing girl?”

“Oh, please! How many dates have I ever helped you get? I am pretty sure zero.”

“It’s not your fault I always sabotage it on purpose.” She shrugged.

“I knew it! I knew I couldn’t have been that bad of a wingman!” We both burst out laughing again.

We laughed and reminisced all night. It was the perfect way to say goodbye. We fell asleep side-by-side in my bed, both of us talking until neither of us could keep our eyes open anymore.

Dani had agreed to stay the night and drive me to the airport in the morning since I had sold my car a few days before. I got up before her, got ready, and finished packing my suitcase. Dani was up by the time the movers came and stood in the doorway of the bedroom listening while I gave them instructions about the storage unit and my stuff. She’d agreed to check on it all later this afternoon to make sure it all got there.

We drove to the airport in silence. When we pulled up to the drop off, she got out of the car without saying anything. She stood on the curb with my bag, her eyes full of tears once again.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” she said, pulling me in for a hug.

“I’m going to miss you too. I wish you could come with me.” I swung my purse over my shoulder.

“Don’t worry, as soon as it’s not fifteen degrees and snowing, I’ll come visit.”

“Do you have to keep reminding me that it’s freezing there?”

“Just trying to prepare you.” She laughed and hugged me again. “Call me when you land.”

“I will. Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Everything.”

“I’m leaving before you make me cry again,” she said, and walked back around her car. “I can’t wait to visit you in the big city. Knock ‘em dead, Chloe.”

She smiled and got in her car. Even though it was overcast, she put on her sunglasses to hide her tears and waved as she drove away. I stayed on the sidewalk until I couldn’t see her car anymore.

“Goodbye Portland,” I murmured as I turned and walked into the airport.