I needed to get away. I couldn’t think, couldn’t make decisions with both Quinn and Carson so close. I needed distance and perspective and someone to slap some sense into me. I needed Derek.

I picked up the phone and called my mom.

“Hi, Chloe,” she answered.

“Hey, Mom. Am I still invited for Thanksgiving?” I cut right to the chase.

“Of course! It’s a little last minute, flights will be expensive, but you are always invited. Quinn too,” she added.

“Quinn probably won’t come, he’s got work, but I think I might.”

“We’d love to have you. Your brother would be thrilled.” I pulled my laptop off the coffee table and switched it on. My mom launched into a story about the twins, but her words were lost to my sudden obsession with finding a flight to L.A. Maybe I should talk to Quinn first.

“Hey Mom,” I cut her off mid-sentence. “I’ve got to go. I need to call Quinn and find flights if I’m really going to come next week.”

“I can’t wait to see you.”

“It’s not set in stone yet, but I’ll let you know if I book a flight.”

“Okay, love you, Chloe.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

I tossed my phone on the couch and resumed my flight search. When I found one I wanted for less than $500, I got up to get my credit card and called Quinn, hoping he wasn’t busy. I wanted to book the flight before it was gone.

“Hey babe,” he answered after three rings.

“Hi, are you busy?”

“Not right now, just getting the equipment all packed up for the game tomorrow. What’s up?”

“I have a question.”

“Oh?” I could imagine him raising his eyebrow.

“I want to go home for Thanksgiving. I know that means you’ll be alone and working and sad, but I haven’t seen Derek and the boys in over a year, and I’m not sure when I’ll get another chance, and I found a decently priced flight, but I don’t want to leave you all alone on Thanksgiving…” I rambled on, nervous about what he would say. “So is that okay?”

“Of course,” he said.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I think you should go. I’m going to be swamped Friday and Saturday anyway, and you’ll have a much better time chasing Max and Dylan around than you will sitting here doing nothing.” Pretty sure I would be doing Carson, I thought, and then shook my head. Getting away from Carson was the whole reason I was going.

“Are you sure?” He was taking this better than I expected.

“I promise, I’ll be fine.”

“You seem awfully eager to get rid of me,” I teased.

“I never want to get rid of you,” Quinn said, his voice barely above a whisper, his sultry tone making me temporarily forget what we were talking about. “I’ll miss you, but if you really want to go, I think you should. Your mom has been begging you to come visit.”

“That’s true. Maybe she’ll finally leave me alone if I do.”

“Go, I promise I’ll be fine for a few days. I don’t think Carson is going home, so we can order Chinese and watch football all day … it’ll be great.” My stomach turned at the mention of Carson; I definitely needed to get away.

“Okay, I’m going to book a flight then. Thank you.”

“No problem, see you in a few hours, I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I felt guilty saying the words. Even though I meant them, it didn’t feel right to say I love you when I my actions said anything but.

---

I booked a flight and swore my mom to secrecy. I wanted it to be a surprise.

Everyone was gathered in the backyard of my parents’ L.A. home Wednesday evening when my Uber dropped me off from the airport. I stepped out into the warm night air. It was in the low 70s and perfect. This was what I missed about Southern California. The warmth. The sunshine. I loved Portland, but sometimes the dreary weather got to me.

I left my bag at the front door and walked to the back of the house. The doors were open, and the sounds of laughter and squeals from small children filled the air. My heart instantly relaxed as the peace only home could bring washed over me.

Derek saw me coming before I could get to the doorway.

“Chloe?” he said, confused, and everyone turned to look at the doorway in unison.

“You guys couldn’t possibly be having this much fun without me,” I said sarcastically.

Derek handed his drink to Adrienne and rushed over to me as I came down the small set of stairs onto the back deck. He crushed me in a hug, the way he did every time I saw him. I had to blink back unexpected tears that had formed in the corners of my eyes.

“What are you doing here?”

“I had to defend my title in the Thanksgiving Day Mario Kart Tournament. I couldn’t let you win by default.”

“I’m going to win anyway, but you can try.” He put an arm around my shoulders and led me over to the rest of the group. Max and Dylan were running circles around the yard, oblivious to my arrival. I hugged my Dad next.

“Chloe! I’m so happy you’re here,” He beamed. “No Quinn?” Guilt pierced through me at the mention of his name.

“No, he has to work Friday and Saturday—big days for college football.”

“Ah yes.” My dad nodded. I hugged my mom, too, the only one not surprised by my sudden entrance. Uncle Jason and Aunt Denise were here from San Diego, and Jackson and Christina from down the street were here as well. I gave them all quick hugs before reaching Adrienne.

Derek hadn’t been lying—even with over three months left in pregnancy she already looked like she was carrying a basketball under her shirt. But, true to form, she was still in skinny jeans, high heels and looked flawless.

“Adrienne! You look beautiful. How’s that baby girl?” Her eyes got wide, and she glared at Derek.

“I didn’t tell her, I swear!” He held up his hands.

“Oh! Are you really having a girl?!” I squealed. “Derek really didn’t tell me … that is just what I was hoping it would be.” I hugged her tight. “I’m sorry for spilling the beans.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “We were going to tell everyone tomorrow anyway.”

I wrangled hugs and kisses out of Max and Dylan, who were now chasing the next door neighbor’s cat around the yard, while everyone said their congratulations to Derek and Adrienne.

“Way to ruin the surprise.” Derek nudged me when I rejoined the adults.

“I knew it was a girl,” I laughed. “But I am sorry … I was just playing around.”

“Do you want a drink?”

“Please.” Derek grabbed a beer out of the cooler and popped the top off for me. A few minutes later, Derek kissed the boys goodnight, and Adrienne disappeared to put the little monsters to bed. Everyone was deep in conversation about politics or something I had no interest in being part of. I sat down on a bench and sipped my beer.

“So, why did you really make an impromptu trip down here?” Derek asked as he sat down beside me.

“I just wanted to see you all. Quinn is going to be busy anyway. It was the perfect time to get away, get some California sun, and see those crazy boys.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What? Do I need some top-secret reason to come see my family for Thanksgiving?”

“No, but you’re not normally this spontaneous. I was just curious.”

“You’re just nosy.”

“I’m your older brother, it’s my job to be nosy.”

We both laughed. Derek was the whole reason I was here. No one—except maybe Dani—gave me better advice than him.

I needed to tell him about Carson, needed to get his opinion, needed a perspective that wasn’t clouded with lust and love and sexual tension. But now was not the time for that. Mom looked over at us every few minutes, and she had hearing like a fox. If she picked up anything that sounded interesting she would swoop in and demand to know all the details.

The fire had all but died down, and everyone but me had gotten a jacket before Jason and Denise, and Jackson and Christina said their goodbyes and left. I stood up and stretched.

“I think I’ll go to bed,” I said. “See you all in the morning.” I kissed my parents on their cheeks and made my way up to the room I’d had as a teenager. The walls were still yellow, but the bed had been upgraded to a queen, and all my old photos and knick-knacks were packed away in the basement.

I changed into a T-shirt and brushed my teeth. I collapsed on top of the covers and sent a text to Quinn.

I was asleep before he responded.

---

Thanksgiving at my parents’ was a big deal. Mom put out a spread of bagels, muffins, fruit, yogurt, and coffee in the dining room for breakfast, and then threatened anyone who came anywhere near the kitchen for the rest of the day. Dinner was served at seven, and you were expected to be dressed up. I had tried to wear jeans to Thanksgiving dinner once when I was a teenager and almost got thrown out of the house.

We spent the day playing tag or wrestling or hide-and-go-seek in the backyard with Max and Dylan. They were like the Energizer Bunny times two, just whirlwinds of energy and noise. When they finally passed out for an afternoon nap, I went upstairs to call Quinn. I already had a text message from him.

He answered after two rings.

“Hey babe,”

“Hi,” I said. “Happy Thanksgiving!”

“Thanks, you too. How’s the family?”

“They are great. What are your plans for the day?”

“Just watching football and drinking beer. Carson’s coming over later with some dinner and we’re just going to hang out.” I was glad I was hundreds of miles away. I couldn’t spend another afternoon with Quinn and Carson.

“That sounds fun. If you were here, you’d have to put on a tie for dinner.”

“Your mom still makes everyone get dressed up?”

“Oh yes, she threatened me this morning. Told me if I wasn’t wearing at least dress pants I was never getting invited to Thanksgiving again.” Quinn laughed, the deep happy sound that made me smile. I heard my mom calling me from downstairs. “I’m being summoned to the kitchen. I better go.”

“Okay, have a happy Thanksgiving.”

“You too.”

“I love you, Chloe.”

“I love you, too.”

My mom wanted help rolling out pie shells. It was apparently the only task she thought I could handle without messing up. After the pie shells were rolled, cooked, and filled with everything from pumpkin to coconut cream, I was excused to go “make myself presentable for dinner.”

I showered and blow-dried my hair. Then I took my time putting on make-up. I thought about Quinn and Carson the entire time. I wanted them both, but knew that wasn’t an option. How had I let this happen? How had I let Carson push his way in, so deep that I couldn’t get him out?

I thought about leaving Quinn, a thought that had crossed my mind 1,000 times. My stomach dropped and tears immediately begin to form in my eyes, threatening to run down my cheeks and ruin my perfectly applied make-up. It was the same reaction I had every time I considered it. I loved Quinn, needed him, wanted him. I couldn’t let him go.

I didn’t even know if a relationship with Carson could work, seeing as we barely knew each other. He knew every inch of my body, but he didn’t really know me.

By the time I pulled on my sweater dress and high-heeled booties, my mind was more conflicted than ever. I put in a pair of earrings and headed downstairs for dinner.

Derek was coming out of the bedroom down the hall, adjusting his tie.

“Why does Mom do this to us?” he complained. “This is like the only time all year I wear a tie. Why can’t we eat in our sweats and pass out on the living room floor like the rest of America?”

“Oh God, I can just see the look of horror on Mom’s face if we all showed up to dinner in sweatpants and T-shirts. She would die.”

“It’s not like there are neighbors coming over. If it’s just family, who gives a shit if we look nice?”

Adrienne emerged from the bedroom wearing a black maxi dress and a red cardigan that showcased her baby bump perfectly. Derek walked over and kissed her on the cheek.

“You look beautiful,” he said to her.

“Let’s go eat. I’m starving. I’ve been trying to sneak something out of the fridge for an hour now, but your mom has it locked down.”

Just then, tiny voices floated up the stairway.

“Mom! Mom!” Max and Dylan bounded up the stairs, looking adorable in their matching khaki pants and button-down shirts. “We hungry!” Dylan said.

“Let’s go eat then. Grandma said dinner was ready,” I said and ushered the two toddlers back down the stairs and into the dining room.

The table was full of everything you could ever want on Thanksgiving. A huge turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, roasted veggies, salad, corn bread, rolls, cranberry dressing, and turkey gravy. There was a whole other table full of pies. My stomach growled, and my mouth watered at the feast before me.

Dinner was amazing. Everything my mom cooked was pure gold. Two hours later, I was full of food and wine and pie. The dishes had been cleaned up and put away and the boys were in bed. My aunt and uncle had joined us for dinner, and we all sat around in the living room talking about nothing in particular.

“Oh!” Adrienne placed her hand on her belly. “She’s kicking!”

“Can I feel?” I had never seen Adrienne when she was pregnant with the twins, so I didn’t get to feel their tiny kicks.

“Of course.” I got up, and she placed my hand gently on her stomach. It only took a moment before I felt a tiny little kick against my hand and then another.

“Oh, I feel her! That’s amazing!”

“You know, Chloe,” my mom spoke up from behind me. I rolled my eyes, knowing where this was going. Adrienne tried to stifle a laugh at the look on my face.

“What, Mother?” I said in the driest voice possible.

“That could be you soon.” I didn’t know if it was all the wine or the turbulence in the rest of my life, but I wasn’t up for this shit tonight.

“Actually, Mom, it couldn’t, as I’m still actively trying not to get pregnant. I’m happy with my life, without a baby.” My mom looked taken aback but remained calm.

“Chloe, I’m just saying. You’re—”

“You’re not going to be young forever. I know, Mom, but some of us have bigger goals for ourselves than staying home raising babies.” It was a low blow, but I’d had enough. My aunt gasped at my statement.

“Chloe,” my dad warned.

“No.” I stood up, nearly spilling my wine. “I’m done with this shit. I don’t need to be berated every time she talks to me about when I’m going to have a baby. News flash, Mom, I’m probably never having a baby. Fucking deal with it.”

“Chloe Louise. Watch your language or you can be excused,” my mom snapped.

“I don’t need to be excused. I’m done.” I stomped out of the room and made my way back upstairs. My face was hot and flushed, a combo of the wine and my angry outburst. I opened the window in my bedroom and climbed out onto the roof, like I had done so many times as a teenager.

It didn’t take long before I heard the door to my room open and close, and then Derek knock on the window sill.

“Can I join you?”

“Are you going to pester me about having a baby, too?”

“No, of course not. I don’t give a shit if you ever have a baby.”

“Fine, then you can come out,” I said.

Derek laid down on the roof beside me. We had to look ridiculous, two grown adults in our Sunday best, laying on the roof of our parents’ house. We laid in silence for a few minutes, nothing but crickets and the sound of the freeway in the distance.

“What was that all about?” Derek broke the silence.

“I’m having an affair.” The words tumbled out of my mouth unexpectedly. I thought I was going to say something about Mom getting on my nerves, but that was what came out instead.

“What?” Derek sat up on his elbow and looked at me.

“I’m having an affair,” I repeated, even though I knew he heard me the first time. “With Carson, since September.” I saved him the trouble of asking for the details.

“Shit, that was not what I was expecting,” he said after a few moments of quiet.

“Save yourself the trouble if you are going to yell at me for being a terrible person … I already got that from Dani. And I know.” Derek didn’t say anything; he just laid back down and looked up at the sky, no stars visible under the orange glow that was L.A.

“Why?” he asked after a while.

“I can’t explain it. There is a connection I have with Carson that’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I love Quinn, but Carson sets me on fire.” I fully expected him to laugh at me, but he didn’t say anything. “Are you going to tell me how ridiculous I sound?”

“Do you want to have this conversation by yourself, or are you going to let me tell you what I actually think?”

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“How did this even happen?”

Derek didn’t need to know the details of my sex life, so I told him the next best thing.

“Years of pent up sexual tension finally broke us down,” I said. “I know it was wrong—it is wrong—but it felt so right. I love Quinn, I really do, but I can’t explain the way Carson makes me feel.”

There was more quiet.

“I understand,” he said finally.

“Understand what?”

“What you’re feeling. I felt that same way when I met Adrienne,” he said. “You probably don’t remember, but I had been dating Lisa for, like, two years. I was about to propose to her. We were perfectly happy, but then I ran into Adrienne at the gym. We had an instant connection, which I couldn’t explain, but I wanted her like I’d never wanted anyone before.”

“Oh my God! You were going to marry Lisa? No, she was awful!”

“I thought you liked her?”

“I lied. I never thought you wanted to marry her, though, or I would’ve been honest with you.”

“Can I finish my story?”

“Yeesss,” I drew the word out dramatically.

“I tried to forget her. Tried to just be happy with Lisa, and I was, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I looked for her every time I went to the gym, and the next time I saw her I asked her out.”

“You were still dating Lisa?”

“Yes, we were living together.”

“Oh good, so I can tell Dani it’s not my fault, but that I come from a family of cheaters. It’s genetic.”

“I didn’t cheat.”

“Oh really?” I said.

“Well, not really. We went on one date, and when I took her home, I kissed her, and that was it. I broke up with Lisa that night.” Derek said. “I knew Adrienne was the one; I didn’t even try to make it work with Lisa.”

“So are you saying I married the wrong person?” I asked defensively and sat up and looked at him.

“I’m not saying anything … just telling you my experience,” he said calmly.

“I’ve known Carson almost as long as I’ve known Quinn, and I’ve never felt anything until now.”

“Never? Come on, there had to have been some signs before.”

“I have maybe had a crush on him for a while.”

“A crush? What, are we in middle school again?”

“Shut up. That’s the best way to describe it. I’ve always liked Carson; we’ve always gotten along, but somewhere along the way I started to imagine more. When I started to notice him flirting with me, I let my imagination run wild. Then I had a chance to make it all a reality, and I took it.” I sighed. “And it backfired on me like a bitch.”

“Did it really though?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Yes, it did. I’m in the middle of a three-month affair with my husband’s best friend, with no idea how or when to end it.”

“Or if you even want to,” He said matter-of-factly. I glared at him, hating him for knowing what I was thinking.

“All right, Dr. Phil. So what the hell am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t have a fucking clue.”

“What would you do? Say you and Lisa did get married, and you were happy and in love and everything was going great, and then you met Adrienne.”

“I think my story would’ve turned out the same. I was meant to be with Adrienne.”

“Don’t take the easy way out. Would you have even asked her out if you had been married instead of just dating? Would you really have divorced Lisa? Or cheated on her?” I wanted him to make me feel better about myself, to tell me he would have cheated too.

“I don’t know, Chloe. I can’t go back in time and change what happened. Who knows how it would’ve played out if I hadn’t met Adrienne until a few years later.”

“Do you still love Quinn?” he asked.

“Of course I do,” I said defensively.

“Do you love Carson?”

“No,” I said immediately, then reconsidered. “I don’t think so. It’s just sex.” Was it just sex? I didn’t know anymore. I couldn’t deny that my feelings for Carson had grown, but I wasn’t ready to call it love.

“Is sex with Quinn bad?”

“No, it’s good. It’s always been good. I thought it was amazing until Carson.”

Derek sat in silence for a minute.

“Do you want to leave Quinn?” he asked then.

“No.” My stomach knotted instantly at the thought. “I can’t. Just thinking about it makes me sick. I love him.”

“Then you have to break it off with Carson.” The thought of that made me nervous too.

“What if I can’t do that either?”

“You already know the answer to that. You can’t have both, Chloe. It doesn’t work that way.”

“What about Carson?”

“What about him?” Derek asked.

“He’s Quinn’s best friend! I’m not going to be able to avoid him for the rest of my life. If I see him...” I didn’t finish my sentence; Derek knew what I meant.

“You have to have a little bit of self-control,” he snorted.

“Yeah, you see how that’s worked out so far.”

“He’ll get over it. You’re not his to have. If he’s any sort of man, and you end it, he’ll back off and keep his distance—maybe not from Quinn, but from you at least,” he said, then reconsidered. “But then again, I don’t know very many men who would fuck their best friend’s wife in the first place.”

My heart skipped a beat when I heard the door to my bedroom open, but I relaxed when I saw it was Adrienne. She came to the window, but didn’t even try to climb out and join us.

“Are you two all right up here?” she asked.

“We’re good,” Derek said.

“Well, thanks for leaving me all alone with your family.”

“Sorry, baby. I didn’t even think about it,” he replied.

“Don’t worry, I was my usual charming self, and they love me, but you owe me. I just came to tell you I’m going to bed.”

“Okay, I’ll be in soon. I love you.”

“Love you too. Goodnight.”

I sat on the roof, pulled my knees to my chest, and rested my head on them.

“What are you thinking?” Derek asked when Adrienne was gone.

“This is going to be hard.”

“Are you going to tell Quinn?”

“I think I have to. He deserves that much.”

“He deserves it? I think the guy would probably be better off never knowing his wife and his best friend fucked for three months.” I groaned at his statement. “And there’s nothing to guarantee that Quinn won’t walk away if you come clean. There is a very real chance he won’t want to stay with you. I know I wouldn’t.”

I looked Derek in the eyes and knew he wasn’t lying.

“Even if it was Adrienne?” I asked, lifting my head.

“I love her, but having an affair with my best friend? Pretty sure that is a deal-breaker.”

“That’s reassuring,” I said sarcastically.

Derek scooted closer and put his arm around me.

“I don’t know how you got yourself into this fucked up mess, but I’ll be here when the whole thing implodes and you need someone to have more roof-time talks with.”

I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed. “Thanks, Derek.”

“For what?”

“Perspective. Everything looks different from the 10,000-foot view. I was in too deep to see things clearly.”

“That’s what older, smarter brothers are for.” He smirked.

“And for helping smooth things over with Mom tomorrow?” I asked. He jerked away from me and laughed.

“Not a chance, you’re on your own for that one.” He stood and started to climb back in the window.

“Come on! You have to help me. She’s probably already writing me out of the will for saying fuck to her.”

“Sorry, I have to draw the line somewhere. I don’t want to get written out of the will too.”

“Thanks a lot!”

“Goodnight, Chloe.” Derek laughed and left my bedroom.

“Goodnight.”

I stayed out on the roof for another hour, imagining the days that were ahead, and hoping I was strong enough to get through them.