Athena
My favorite book couldn’t keep my interest. With a sigh of resignation, I lowered it onto my lap. Everything in my small house, seemed too quiet and empty.
When Finn and Hans had been here, I had often found myself longing for some of the peace and quiet that was my custom. Now that I had it back, I missed their company.
Memories assaulted me of Finn’s silly jokes and failed attempts of teaching Hans the art of irony. I smiled when I thought about his skeptical approach to my food in the beginning and how he had ended up liking much of it anyway.
I missed him!
Closing my eyes, I leaned back on the couch and thought about our last night together, just like I had so many times these past five days since he left.
We had made love. It had been such a beautiful experience that I would cherish it forever. If only we didn’t live in different countries with no way for us to be together.
It was a selfish thought. Even if the Council would allow Finn to live with me, it would require him to give up his friends, culture, and maybe his job as well. I couldn’t imagine that he would be allowed to practice medicine in the Motherlands. At least it would take time for him to prove his knowledge and skills.
It was touching how he had offered to stay with me. I could never ask that of him, and I doubted he had been serious. Yesterday, there had been a story on the news about him and another woman. I only heard the headlines before I turned off the news. It had been a confirmation I had made the right choice. Finn had already moved on with a new woman, and I was happy for them. A groan escaped me, as I repeated the sentence to myself. “I am happy for them.”
It wasn’t heartfelt, and none of my favorite spiritual practices seemed to work. I had done energy work, I had cleared my head by writing down my emotions, I had made a long list of things that I was grateful for, I had done positivity yoga, and meditated for hours each day. Still, I wasn’t happy.
Getting up from the sofa, I walked over to the window and looked out over the snowy landscape, my eyes scanning the sky for any signs of drones. There was nothing.
For the first time, my options were limited. I had never desired to live anywhere else than here. Or to be anything other than an emotional rock for my community. Being a priestess was all I knew. Now I wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been chosen by the high priestess when I was twelve?
I had always felt honored to be given such a vital role in our community. Never had I felt lonely. Until now.
The bond I shared with Finn that last night we spent together was so different from the connection I shared with my friends. Finn was more than a source of constant entertainment and fascination to me. He brought out sides of my personality that were new and exciting, like a portal to self-discovery. I feared that from now on, all my other relationships with people would be pale imitations of what I had experienced with Finn. There would be no more sexual desire and lust in my life. Only a memory of what I had known with him.
I declined several invitations from families in the area who asked me over for dinner this week. They were curious about the Nman that I had brought to their children’s school. But I wasn’t ready to talk about Finn yet. If I did, I would tear up.
With a heavy feeling in my body, I put on some calming music, got out my mirror that I used to do my daily face yoga, and plunked down on the sofa again.
I looked younger than I was, and gave credit to these daily exercises, my healthy eating and sleeping habits, and of course my energy work.
Today my reflection confirmed how empty and sad I felt inside –Raising my hand, I traced my finger over the dark circles under my eyes; a testament to my sleepless night. I studied the lack of glow in my skin and eyes, before my finger moved along the contours of my lips. The very same lips that had kissed Finn and tasted his love.
You were a great fuck!
It had been Finn’s last remark. Even though I knew he had been upset when he said the words, I was still sad that those were the last words spoken between us.
Despite my grief, I still checked into my Saturday enlightenment class. As always, the virtual reality setting was the tranquil meadow with the large oak tree. It was packed even more than usual. Maybe the entertainment factor of Finn’s visit and the intense debate about the Nmen had made people talk. Taking a seat on the tree stump, I returned the smiles from the audience.
“May peace surround you all,” I said when it was time to start. After our silent moment of gratitude, I continued. “Today we’ll be exploring the topic of conflicts.”
Because of what had happened between me and Finn, the topic felt personal to me. I took my time as I surveyed the audience, consisting of locals and people that I had never met in person. The virtual reality made it possible for all of us to meet in a lifelike setting without having to leave our houses. I was happy to see that my classes attracted people of all ages.
“How many of you would say that you feel comfortable with conflicts?” I smiled when not a single person raised their hand.
“Have you noticed how some people seem to attract conflicts more than others? It’s an interesting phenomenon, and a sign that there is potential for some personal growth. Would one of you like to volunteer with a conflict that you’ve had in your own life, so that we can analyze it and maybe help you come to a peaceful resolution?”
A number of hands went up in the air. I was drawn to a woman in her mid-forties with wrinkles that testified she frowned a lot.
“What is your name?”
“Susie,” she replied and stood up.
“Do you have any conflicts in your life?”
She looked uncomfortable being called upon, and wrung her hands with a nervous glance around her. “Actually, there is one thing that I have been struggling with for a while,” she said with her eyes darting around.
“This is a safe place to share it, and you will meet no judgment from us.” I gave her an encouraging smile.
“All right, well, the thing is, I have a colleague at work, and it feels like I’m doing much of her work because I’m more experienced than she is, and I have a better eye for details. It’s not that I mind being helpful, because I really don’t,” Susie insisted and looked around to be sure we really weren’t judging her. “It’s just that I have to help her every day and while doing her work, I’m falling behind on my own assignments. I think what really gets to me is that she is so eloquent and…” The woman looked up as if trying to find her words. and everybody thinks that she’s an expert at her job, when she’s not.”
“So where would you say that your conflict with her lies?” I asked.
Wrapping her arms around her waist, the woman hugged herself. “To be honest, I’m too polite to tell her no, so I suppose the conflict is more with myself than her, but I think about it all the time.”
“What are your emotions connected to this conflict within yourself?”
“There’s a lot of resentment building up inside of me. Sometimes I wish I could tell everybody that she’s not half as good as they think she is.”
“Ahh, I see.” I nodded my head. “So to sum it up, you two are opposites. She is terrible at showing results, but amazing at selling herself. While you can deliver the results, but you can’t sell yourself.”
“Yes, that’s it! Sometimes I get so frustrated that it’s hard to be my normal sweet self.”
“I understand. So let’s talk about your personal boundaries. Would you say that you’re good at setting them?”
She shook her head.
“No, it doesn’t sound like it. But I’m going to help you by giving you a simple rule to remember. Are you ready?” I asked and turned to the audience. “By the way, this rule is for everyone who was raised to be sweet, okay?”
Heads were bobbing when I held up my hand and spoke loud and clearly. “It’s better to be kind than sweet.”
Many exchanged confused looks so I explained. “Setting your boundaries in a firm but kind way is much better than giving a sweet yes that isn’t heartfelt and will result in resentment on your part. You see, sweet people often end up bitter because they feel taken advantage of.”
“Yes, that’s how it feels with her,” the woman agreed.
I spread out my hands. “No one can take advantage of you, unless you allow it. The truth is that your colleague probably has no idea you feel that way. Most likely she would describe you as a sweet and helpful colleague and be saddened if she knew that you felt taken advantage of.”
The woman drew in a sigh and looked down. “It’s possible.”
“Or…” I held up a finger and raised my eyebrows. “She literally doesn’t care and takes advantage of your helpfulness,” I said although I doubted it to be true. “But either way you’re the only one who can change the situation by setting your boundaries in a kind and firm way. Make it easy for her and other people to navigate around you by only saying yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no.”
Scratching her arm, Susie looked uncomfortable. “I don’t want to be rude.”
I smiled. “I’m not asking you to be rude. You can say no and still be polite about it. People do it all the time. And look, what’s the alternative? You building resentment against her and complaining about her to others? Sweetness looks appealing on the outside, but it has a tendency to grow bitter with time, and sometimes even rot at its core. Practice kindness instead.”
She nodded again. I gave her a look of sympathy, before I addressed the audience “You may not have the exact same situation in your life, but I’m sure you have met a person that for some reason seems to annoy you more than others. As you know, we can’t change others, which is why it’s much easier to look at your own behavior. Are you allowing that person to overstep your boundaries? If yes, take responsibility and change it. If boundaries aren’t the problem, it’s time to look at why that person annoys you so much. It’s easy to blame the other person. But often our annoyance is triggered because of their being like a mirror to us.” I paused and looked around, making sure people were following. “We see something in them that we don’t like in ourselves, and it’s an annoying reminder that we’re imperfect.”
Some audience members chuckled a bit and nodded.
“Or the other person possesses character traits that we wish we had ourselves.” I looked at the woman. “Which I think plays a role in your case.”
“Oh?” She lifted her eyebrows.
“Your colleague makes something look easy, when that something is hard for you.”
“No, you don’t understand,” Susie said. “I’m the one helping her with her job because she finds it hard.”
I tilted my head. “I know, but it’s the part about asking for help that’s easy for her. You said she does it daily.”
“Yes, several times a day.”
“You could never do that, could you? Asking for help is hard for you.”
“Yes, I’m really bad at asking for help.”
“I know, or you would have raised your hand when I asked if anyone needed help with a conflict.”
She laughed a little. “Good point.”
“Do you see how that only emphasizes why it’s so annoying that your colleague makes it look easy.”
The woman bit her lip and looked thoughtful.
“As I see it,” I said, “it’s not her fault that you say yes when you mean no, and it’s not her fault that she’s good at asking for help while you’re not.”
Susie tilted her head. “I guess not.”
“It’s a big step that you agree.” I smiled. “I predict, however, that you still won’t like her much when you go to work the next time. So let’s look at a third factor.”
Susie nodded.
“Great teachers have taught us that at the root of every conflict there is assumption. You already agreed that in your case your colleague may not even know that she is overstepping your boundaries and taking too much of your time. You were assuming that it should be as obvious to her as it is to you, and therefore your conclusion was that she was taking advantage of you.”
“Yes, that’s true.”
Taking a step forward and angling my head, I asked, “What do you think would happen, if you took on a different assumption? What if you assumed that she is doing her best?”
Susie looked thoughtful but didn’t speak.
“If you took on that assumption, then you would have to believe that this is nothing personal, and your colleague isn’t trying to take advantage of you.”
“All right,” she said and nodded. “But then what do I say when she comes to ask me for help the next time?”
“You say ‘yes,’ if you have the time, and you say ‘sorry but I can’t help you right now,’ if you don’t have the time. It’s hard at first, but will get easier when you practice it.”
A teenage girl raised her hand in the audience, and I pointed to her. “Do you have a question, dear?”
“I just want to add that the colleague we’re talking about may not be good at her job yet, but she’s an expert at asking for help, so paying attention to how she does it will be a good chance for you to study an expert.” She blushed a little from having all the people looking at her. “I mean, just in case you want to get better at it yourself,” she added and looked down.
“What a great point,” I praised the girl and turned back to Susie.
“Thank you,” she said and bowed her head to me. “This has certainly given me something to think about.”
I gave her another warm smile. “You’re welcome, my dear.”
We continued the class, talking more about conflicts and how we could best resolve them. It was a wonderful way for me to distract myself, but once the class was over and I put down my VR device, nothing had changed.
My house was still as empty as it had been since Finn left, and new waves of grief knocked me over. I had no experience with a broken heart, except on a theoretical level, and I had already followed all the advice I would’ve given to someone else.
When Karina called to say that Finn was on the news, I hesitated before turning it on. Just seeing him had my pulse going through the roof; I had to do some breathing exercises to calm my heart.
He, and the four other representatives from the Northlands stood with their mediators, some of the Councilwomen, and a small delegation from the Northlands consisting of their ruler Khan Aurelius, his wife Pearl Pilotti, and Magni.
“It’s the ceremonial ending to their visit,” Karina said. “Can you believe how many people have gathered by the border to watch it?”
She was right, there was a large crowd in front of the podium and a lot of camera crews as well.
“I’ll bet some of the women are hoping the men will take them home with them,” Karina said. “Yesterday on the news, they were talking about sending a group of representatives from the Motherlands into the Northlands, and many have already volunteered.”
“There’s always going to be people who are unhappy with their lives and hoping to find happiness in the next place,” I commented with a sigh just as the camera caught a woman in front of the podium, flashing a sign with the words I would marry an Nman.
“Those women are crazy.” Karina chuckled. “They make us look bad.”
“Do you think the Council will allow them to go?” I asked.
“No, there’s no way. And how could they? It’s like those women have lost their sanity; surely the Council will have to protect them from themselves.”
“But what if they could be happy with an Nman? I’ve met Christina, and she didn’t seem like a desperate or crazy type of woman.”
“Maybe not, but look at those women on the screen. The press has named them the Romantics.”
“Ouch, that’s kind of harsh, isn’t it?”
“Yes, but you know that sometimes the press can be mean.”
“But Romantics – yikes, that’s offensive. They might as well call them naïve fools.”
While talking to Karina on the phone, and watching the ceremony on the news, I brewed myself a cup of tea.
“I hope that if they do send a group to the Northlands, we get to follow them on the news. I’m curious to see what it’s like there, and Tristan won’t stop talking about it,” Karina said and sighed. “Randa Christine is blaming me for letting her son meet Finn in the first place. I wouldn’t have allowed it if I’d known that Finn would plant obscene ideas in the boy’s head. Tristan is now convinced that he’s really the son of an Nman, and yesterday he raised his voice when Randa Christine refused to let him move to the Northlands. As if that’s just something you do.”
“I’m sorry about that,” I said. “I blame Magni, though. He is the one who invited Tristan to the Northlands.”
“Magni – wasn’t he the one who kidnapped you?”
“Yes, look to Pearl’s right, Magni is the tall blond man with a tattoo up his neck.”
Karina gave a small shriek. “Oh Mother Nature, no wonder you were scared. That man is huge, and look at the way he scowls.”
I watched him for a second and she was right. Magni was shifting his balance from foot to foot with impatience, his eyebrows pulled close together, and his eyes scanning the area in front of him.
“Finn says that Magni is a warrior,” I said. “I’m not sure what that means in detail, but maybe it’s made him a bit paranoid. He looks like he’s expecting someone to attack them at any point.” The moment the words left me, clarity struck. “Wait, no, I take that back.”
“Take what back?” Karina asked.
“Magni isn’t afraid someone’s going to attack them, he’s looking for someone.”
“Who?”
“His wife Laura, of course; she lives on this side of the border and I’ll bet he’s hoping that she’ll be in the audience.”