Chapter 32

Brian

 

I was already crying by the time I put the phone on the coffee table. It wasn’t the first time I’d broken down today, but it was the worst. Now it wasn’t just the weight of emails and venomous comments and intrusive questions. It was all that plus letting go of Adam.

I’d tried and tried all day long to come up with a solution, but every time I’d circled back to the same truth I’d had to lay out for him—that we couldn’t do this. That I couldn’t do this. It didn’t matter how much I wanted him or how much walking away hurt both of us. I’d tried ever since the news had broken, but I couldn’t fucking cope with people watching my every move, showing up at my work, and publicly speculating about my sex life, every one of them pounding the point home that I didn’t deserve Adam.

I wiped my eyes and sniffed. Guess you win, assholes.

Well, the trolls had won. The paparazzi probably didn’t want us to split up—they just wanted something to talk about. Some way to cash in on Adam Jacobsen having a boyfriend. So in that respect, yeah, maybe they had won. They had plenty to talk about. Hell, now they’d have a breakup to talk about.

And I had…

Nothing.

Just a deep, relentless ache that had been stuck there since the morning after the charity gala. I didn’t imagine it would get any better. Hadn’t expected it to. But was it too much to ask for it to not get worse?

For weeks, my life had been full of Adam. Texting. Emailing. Facetiming. Counting down the minutes until I saw him. Begging time to slow down so a visit wasn’t over too soon. And now he was gone, and everything suddenly felt empty. Like the world had been yanked out from under my feet, and now I couldn’t figure out how to stand.

I’d almost gotten married once in my life, and after we’d split, I’d basically spent a week shaking my head and wondering what in God’s name I’d ever seen in that train wreck of a relationship. Our breakup had been a long time coming, and even though it hadn’t been fun to call it off, we’d both been relieved to move on. Bullet dodged.

I didn’t feel that way about Adam. I wanted Adam so bad it hurt. He hadn’t been the reason I’d called things off. He was everything I wanted in a friend and a boyfriend, and he’d wanted to ride things out and weather the storm. Maybe he was strong enough to do that. I wasn’t.

Where could we have gone if we didn’t have to deal with this bullshit?

Oh, now wasn’t that question some salt that this wound didn’t need?

I wiped at my eyes again, my hand shaking badly. Why the fuck did I agree to go to the gala and come out? Was being in the closet again really worse than this shit? Than being in an ugly spotlight and ultimately not having Adam at all? Especially since I hadn’t split with him because of anything within our relationship. After the gala, things hadn’t changed between us, just around us, and in a way that I couldn’t fucking handle because I was a weak fucking coward. And then he’d started filming, which meant our relationship existed almost entirely in the comments, articles, and photos I couldn’t avoid.

Jingling tags let me know Lola had come into the room. A moment later, she jumped up on the couch beside me, flopped down, and rested her head on my lap. She whined softly.

“Hey, sweetheart.” I tousled her ears. She stared up at me, and I had to be imagining how sad her big brown eyes were. “You want to go out for a bit?”

She didn’t move. Maybe I should take her to the park. Let her run around with the other dogs.

In my mind, I saw Adam throwing her toy for her in the dog park, and I swore out loud. I was never going to be able to visit that park without thinking of him, was I?

Assuming I could do anything without thinking of him.

Lola nudged me with her nose, still looking up at me as if to ask “Dad, what’s wrong?”

And if there was anything that could break what was left of me tonight, it was my dog’s innocent worry. So I gave up trying to hold myself together, buried my face in Lola’s coarse ruff, and just cried because I didn’t know what else to do.

It shouldn’t have hurt like this. We’d only been seeing each other for a few weeks, and we’d only spent maybe ten days of that in the same state. I’d ended years-long relationships without feeling like my insides were being ripped apart like this.

Because the relationship had been fine. Things with Adam had been great. Hell, they’d been perfect. He was everything I could have asked for in a man. It was easy to imagine being in for the long haul with him. It didn’t matter that it was way too early to think about things like moving in together or even getting married. We just clicked that well.

It wasn’t right for us to be splitting up now, and it tore me apart to let him go, but… what else could I do? I couldn’t live like this.

If it had just been the odd camera or the occasional article making it seem like our relationship was somehow newsworthy, I could have gotten used to that. It was weird and intrusive, but I could have adjusted.

But the tweets.

But the emails.

But the direct messages.

But the constant feeling of being laughed at and judged and followed and hated… I couldn’t take it. I just couldn’t.

I sat up and wiped my eyes with a shaky hand, still keeping the other arm around Lola. I wanted to be with Adam. I felt things for him I’d never felt for any other man, and if those feelings were this strong already, then God knew what a few months or years could make out of this. And knowing I’d hurt him? That he was probably a wreck just like I was? Probably distracted as hell while he’s trying to work? Fuck.

There was no getting around it, though. I thought I could deal with the realities of dating someone that famous, but I was wrong, and all I could do now was try to move on with my life. I might even get lucky and get some privacy and normalcy back, but I wasn’t holding my breath.

I was, however, suddenly desperate for a taste of my pre-fame life. Sitting up a bit straighter, I sniffed and cleared my throat. “What do you say we go to the dog park, kiddo?” I tousled Lola’s ears. “I think you deserve that after this.”

She wagged her tail, but didn’t go bouncing off to find her leash. She just kept staring at me, ears up and big brown eyes fixed right on me as if to say, “Are you sure you’re okay, Dad?”

I smiled even as another tear slid free, and I stroked her neck. “Come on.” I rose. “Let’s go to the park.”

Either she was convinced I was all right, or her dog brain had shifted gears, but she jumped off the couch and barreled into the kitchen. I chuckled, following her as I sniffed sharply. Lola grabbed her harness and leash, and she went nuts when I picked up the toy and treats. She yipped and spun around, tail wagging, and I managed to laugh.

“Come on, kiddo. Let’s go play.”

She was gone like a bullet, heading straight for the front door. Smiling despite my tears, I followed.

When I walked back through the living room with Lola’s treats and toy in hand, my phone was buzzing on the coffee table. I cringed. Was Adam calling me back? I wasn’t sure I could handle talking to him, but I couldn’t ignore him either.

With my heart in my throat, I picked up the phone.

Unknown caller.

My stomach lurched. Fuck. Another reporter. I declined the call and turned off my phone. I felt guilty about switching my phone off. If there was an emergency or something, no one would be able to reach me.

I just need a break. That’s all.

Just long enough to walk my dog and catch my breath.

That isn’t too much to ask, is it?

I put the phone back on the table and headed for the door. I never left the house without it, but today, I needed to be away from it. Away from all the people who might call me, all the assholes who had opinions about me and Adam, and all the text conversations I could scroll through to torture myself about the man I’d just broken up with.

Still shaky and brittle, I clipped the seatbelt to Lola’s harness, got in the driver’s seat, and backed out of the driveway. She panted happily while I drove, probably unaware that I had no idea where to go.

We couldn’t go to the park we’d gone to with Adam. Lola loved that one, but… not tonight. Right now, I just needed to go play with my dog and try to get my mind off things in a place that didn’t have Adam’s memory all over it.

And maybe, if I was lucky, a place that wasn’t crawling with reporters.