Chapter 7
Cara
The night couldn’t have ended more perfectly. True to my word, I had not let Caden know my room number on the first date.
“First date” had a nice ring to it. I realized it was because I was hoping for a second date. We had not even thought to exchange numbers, but my instinct told me that his “in” at the hotel could tell him which room to ring easily. The gentleman that he was, he had given me a hug and a kiss on the cheek outside of the elevator, as he allowed me to travel up alone, thus eliminating the awkwardness of him walking me to my hotel room and what may or may not be expected.
Then again, the kiss on my cheek was much less than what I’d wanted. The electricity I had felt each time he held my hand, touched my lower back, or even looked at me throughout the evening was intensified by a million as I imagined what our kiss would feel like.
My mind was wired, and I had a fleeting moment of wondering if I should go back downstairs for a nightcap. Instead, I wiggled out of my dress, opting to sleep without clothes. I had never been one for fancy lingerie or nightgowns, and the freedom of it felt delicious.
I hadn’t checked my phone throughout the night, and decided to leave it off. It felt good not to be tethered to it, but I did need to make sure I had not received any emails about subs or classes while I was out. So, I pulled my MacBook out of its case, and touched the power button.
The screensaver was the one of LJ and me at a lake at Byrd Park, near our house. My first order of business was to switch the screensaver. After entering in my password, I changed it to one of the templates. This template was of the beach. Right now, this was my favorite place to be. I closed my eyes for a moment, smiling to myself and reliving all of the details of my night. His smile, the laughter in his eyes as I’d talked about food, one of my passions in life. “Eating it, not cooking it,” I had clarified. His touch…I kept coming back to the feeling I’d had when he touched me. It was going to be nearly impossible to fall asleep tonight.
Focusing back on my screen, I opened up my email. A few group emails back and forth about summer vacations coming up and who needed subs and who was available to sub for their group exercise classes. I couldn’t imagine being able to focus on that, but nothing looked like it needed my immediate attention, so I saved those all as “unread” so that I could go back to them tomorrow. There were some advertisement emails for athletic clothes that I couldn’t bring myself to unsubscribe from, but I always ended up deleting them before I could look through them. My salary was more of a Target-clothing salary than a Lululemon-clothing salary.
And then, I saw it. An email from him. LJ. The feelings of elation from meeting someone new came to a screeching halt and my heartbeat must have stopped for a few moments. I was scared to open it. Why would LJ have emailed me? He texted or called, and almost never used email. My finger automatically clicked on the email to open it, without my conscious ability.
Cara,
You didn’t answer my calls tonight. Not that I blame you, and I figured you wouldn’t have recognized the number, but I wanted to talk to you. I hope that you will listen to my voicemail. All of it.
Love,
LJ
I grabbed my phone from the nightstand. My eyes welled up with tears as I waited what seemed like forever for the phone to start back up. I typed in my passcode with shaking fingers and went to voicemail. Putting the phone on speaker, as I couldn’t trust my hands to hold the phone, I listened to the familiar voice:
“Hey, Car. It’s me. Um, I don’t really know what I want to say, but I hope that you will listen while I ramble. You were always good at that. Listening while I talked about whatever was on my mind.
“I got scared and left. That’s all I can say. At first, I was scared about you not wanting the commitment of a marriage. Then, when I saw Tanya at the store a few weeks ago, I got scared that I was making the wrong decision by being with you. Ugh, that didn’t come out right. Not because I have any feelings for Tanya. You know that it was me who’d decided her and me weren’t right for each other. But it reminded me that I chose a different life. A less structured and stuffy life. If I had stayed with her, she would have been miserable. Not that I care now. Crap, this is not coming out the way it should.”
I came close to hitting the “delete” button on my phone. Why was he talking about his ex?
“You are so nice, and you love to have fun and you’re so adventurous. There was so much life in you when I met you, and I felt that I was stifling it. Our life was spent in the same town, always visiting the same dives and eating the same greasy fries. We would take weekend trips, and you never once acted like you wanted more, but I could see it. Yes, you loved to drive, and said you didn’t mind the fact that we didn’t have the money for exotic trips, because that meant you got to drive wherever we went. But, I knew you wanted more. The plans that you had of traveling to different countries to teach fitness classes, and becoming a food critic. Even though I thought you were crazy, I knew it was what you wanted. And then you settled in town with me because I could never really leave.
“So, I left. I know, it doesn’t make sense. But I didn’t know what else to do. I had to see if you would do something fun, something you wanted to do if I wasn’t around. I meant to wait a month to call. But, I couldn’t.
“I’m sorry, Cara. I still love you. If you can find it in you to forgive me, well, I hope that I can come back home. Call me. Please.”
Wow. My head was spinning. He didn’t really answer much. Where had he gone? How could I believe that the reason that he’d left was to put my interests first, when he knew it would break my heart for him to leave? Of course I loved him. Before I could take him back, though, I needed to know where he had been. Why he hadn’t answered any of my pleading messages. I felt like I didn’t know who he was, anymore.
And, there was Caden. The stranger who had given me such high hopes, such an amazing date. My chivalrous suitor. He made me feel things that I’d never felt with LJ. LJ was comfortable. Caden was new and mysterious, but something also felt familiar and comfortable with him. I put my phone and computer down beside the bed and lay back on the pillow, pulling the covers up to feel more secure. The warm wetness of a tear forming at the corner of my eye, and then rolling down my face until it hit my ear, gave way for more.
Soon, I was crying full-force out of feelings of hurt, betrayal, confusion, and even want. I wanted to experience Caden. But I loved LJ. My mind hurt from the thoughts racing through my head, and at some point later, those thoughts became a black mess that put me to sleep in my tear-damp pillow.
* * * * *
The ringing of the phone made me jump. The light in the room was still on, and I had been in the middle of some dream. Was the email a dream? Was the date a dream?
Brrringggg.
The telephone wasn’t a dream. I picked it up, feeling mentally clouded, “Hello?”
“Good morning, my lady.” Caden’s voice. “I know it’s early, but I couldn’t help but notice that the sun is about to rise, and the Atlantic coast is one of the best to watch from. Is there any chance I could entice you down to the beach to watch it?”
My heart jumped. What time was it? Looking at my watch, I saw that it was 5:30 a.m. How had I managed to sleep last night?
“Um, I guess so. Sorry, I’m still a little groggy. How did you get my room number?” I managed to barely ask, though I knew the answer, feeling as if it may take hours for my brain to start to function again.
“I have my ways,” he laughed. “I’m on my way down. Come to the lobby when you’re ready,” he chirped, way too happy to be awake this early.
I hung up the phone and slid out of bed, letting my feet feel the foundation of the floor below me. I reached for my phone, and saw that there were no new messages or emails. I wasn’t sure if I was disappointed or relieved. I needed to think about the message I had received last night. If it was even real. At least I now knew that Caden wasn’t a dream. I managed to smile at the thought, and began to walk toward the bathroom.
Seeing myself in the mirror, I decided that I should have said no. My eyes were red and puffy underneath, from crying the night before. I washed my face in cold water, hoping that it would at least relieve some of the puffiness, brushed my teeth, and pulled my hair back in a ponytail. Walking back in to the hotel room, I found myself looking for the bag I didn’t pack.
“Well, I guess it’s what I came here with,” I mumbled to myself as I put yesterday’s t-shirt and shorts back on.
The ride down the elevator seemed to take forever, but at the same time to not last long enough to collect my thoughts as I wrestled between reliving my date with Caden and the email from LJ.
As the door opened, I looked up to see Caden, blanket and bag in hand, smiling back at me. Everything melted away as he held his arm out for me.
“Shall we?” he gallantly gestured forward.
“Yes, we shall.” I beamed back at him. Even this early, I couldn’t help but be entranced by his good looks and charm.
He led me toward the hotel beach entrance, holding the door open, as always. We walked toward the beach, my hand holding on to the crook of his elbow. We must have looked like a normal couple in love to any outsiders. The thought of people thinking that I was with Caden made me feel amazing. Even in casual clothes, the way that his t-shirt hugged his chest and arms, the perfect smoothness of his khakis...there wasn’t anything that wasn’t fantastic about this man leading me out to see the sunrise. Again, there was a feeling of this being too perfect.
Once we reached the sand, he released my arm and laid down the blanket, setting the bag on top. We both took our seats, facing the sun that was just peeking over the water. Here, there was nothing to obstruct the view. It was like an infinity of water, and the sun came forth from it, magically. The sun’s reflection waved with the movement of the water.
The breeze was barely there this morning, and the temperature was the perfect mixture of morning coolness and the coming humidity. Caden scooted closer to me and wrapped his arm around me. If I could have taken a picture of the most perfect moment I could imagine in life, this would have been it. I leaned against him, and we sat in silence watching the sun and the rippling water, hearing the waking seagulls, and feeling the intense sensation of want coming from each other. We didn’t even need to speak.
After about five minutes, Caden managed to continue to hold me with one arm, as he reached for the bag with his other, producing a plastic box of mixed berries and two cans of Starbucks Iced Coffees. Seriously, where did this man come from? He had to be a mind reader or something.
“How did you know that I needed coffee in the morning?” I asked, shaking my head and smiling.
“Who can function without it? Besides, I figured if you made the effort to get up this early for me, I would make the effort to take care of you. I want you to have everything you’ve ever wanted.” His eyes caught mine again, leaving me wanting him to take care of me. In so many ways. I could imagine him laying me down on the blanket, one of his strong arms still around me so that I was supported as he leaned me back, with the other hand behind my head, staring in to my eyes as he lowered himself over me. His lips softly coming down to mine...
In an effort to stop the crazy thoughts that were forming, I looked back toward the water. I breathed in the salty air, closing my eyes again to savor all that I could feel, inside and out. The warmth of his body against mine caused the butterflies in my stomach to climb up my throat. I felt almost paralyzed. I was scared to move or to talk. I knew it would give away what I was feeling, and I wasn’t ready for that yet. It was so hard being an adult. It was socially acceptable to have sex, yet there was this stigma and awkwardness that surrounded it as well. Not that I really cared what anyone else thought at this point, but I didn’t even know the status of the relationship I had been in for the past two years, and I wasn’t ready to face any of it. Still, if he turned in my direction one more time, I would be putty. Completely unable to do anything for myself other than let him mold me in to whatever he wanted.
“You seem to be a little distant. Let’s try these coffees,” Caden offered, obviously taking my distant thoughts for sleepiness.
“Yeah, that should help snap me out of my daze,” I said.
His hand brushed against mine when he gave me the drink. I didn’t think I could take much more of this crazy feeling every time he looked at or touched me. I had never felt so aroused, especially at this time in the morning in the broad daylight.
“Are you going for the vintage look today?” he joked, noticing that I was wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I blushed, but chuckled, enjoying the sarcasm. “Honestly, coming here was a last-minute decision after I was already in my car. I didn’t pack or even know where I was going when I left. Other than grabbing a dress for dinner last night, I haven’t had time to shop for anything,” I admitted.
“Well, then, if you don’t have plans today, I would love to be your chauffeur while you shop. At the very least, you need a bathing suit. It is much too beautiful of a day for you to stay inside.”
“Oh, I couldn’t take over your day like that,” I said.
He grinned. “What if I told you that I’ve been looking for an excuse to drive a beautiful girl around in my convertible again? I got to do it last night, and I’ve become rather addicted.”
“Well, I sure wouldn’t mind spending some more time with you,” I said with a shy smile.