Chapter 17
Cara
Waking up after a night like last night was almost like awakening from a wet dream. Reliving everything that I had felt, over and over again, and every time I had released made me shudder all over. Finally opening my eyes, I looked at the empty bed beside me. There was a single rose, which looked freshly cut from a rose bush, on top of a small note. Caden had left early for work to get ready for dealing with the ramifications of buying the majority of the company. I had barely heard him when he left, just felt a soft kiss on my forehead before he walked out.
I picked up my phone to check the time: twenty after seven. Deciding it would probably be a good idea to get to work myself, I clicked the phone screen back to dark and rolled over to see what Caden had written.
Most beautiful woman,
Thank you for showing me how amazing life can be. I feel like I've known you my whole life, yet I long to get to know you even more. Please tell me that I can take you out to dinner tonight. I know the perfect spot.
Yours,
Caden
I held the note to my chest, and lifted the rose to my nose. I felt like I was in a romance novel, but that could have also been because of all the endorphins I had released last night. A giggle escaped from me as I smiled and closed my eyes to relive the night one more time. I felt myself getting excited all over again, and knew that it was time to start thinking about my day instead.
Pulling on my dress, I walked downstairs. On the kitchen table were more hand-picked roses in a glass of water, and a small note letting me know that the coffee was made for me and that Caden had taken an Uber to work, leaving me the key to his car. Looking toward the coffee pot, there was also a stainless-steel travel mug for my use on the drive back home. I poured the coffee in, almost letting it spill over as I was still in my mind’s fantasy world, and replaced the pot, turning off the coffee maker. Floating to the front door, I slipped on my shoes and took one last glance at Caden’s beautiful house before walking out. Unlocking his car door, there was one more rose on the driver’s seat with a last note telling me to have fun with the car.
“Heck yeah!” I squealed to the trees around me and jumped in. I pushed the overhead button to release the convertible top down and put the key in the ignition. The radio blared. I changed the station to an old song that I could sing to, and put the car in gear. Pulling out, I pushed the car to its max before each shift and smiled at the thought of everyone going to work this morning, envious of me singing to the radio with the top down, living in the dream world of Caden Zahn.
Pulling in to my own driveway, a sense of relief washed over me when I saw that LJ still had not returned. Confusion sat in again. Was I throwing away all that LJ and I had wanted, in exchange for some weekend with a man I’d just met? Caden had saved the weekend for me in so many ways. He’d made such amazing and passionate love to me the night before, after being a gentleman for the first two nights. He’d given me the key to his car and paid for a ride to work. He’d taken me shopping, fixed dinner for me, and taken over a company for me.
I shook my head to try to clear the euphoria seeping back in and focus on the day. I had been MIA from work all weekend, and all week before that if I were being honest with myself, and I needed to make sure everyone was on track for the week. I switched off the ignition and went to the door, which I surprisingly found unlocked. Fear grasped at me for a moment, but I opened up the door slowly. Nothing looked amiss. I decided I must have left it unlocked when I left with Caden.
I went to my computer on the counter and picked it up to bring it to the kitchen table. I froze. There was an envelope on the table in LJ’s handwriting that simply read, “Car.” Putting down the computer and sitting at the table, I stared at the envelope for what felt like minutes. What did it say? What did I want it to say? Today seemed to be a day of notes, the first three from Caden, and now this one.
Car,
I’m sorry. I told you why I left you, and I meant everything I said. I got jealous that someone else could take my place, even though I knew it wasn’t my place anymore. I saw you with him after I left, and I now know that you stayed with him last night, and I want that for you. I want the happiness that this man seems to be able to give to you. I will sign anything you need to give you the house in full, and I am going to go stay with Scott for a while.
I should have never left you without saying anything. I will always be sorry that I broke your heart and left the way that I did. I’m ready to settle down here, and you still have the explorer in you. Go explore.
Love,
LJ
A tear dropped down on the paper, smearing the word “explorer.” I was sad about LJ. I was happy that he was giving me the freedom to see where things could go with Caden. I was still confused as to what I really wanted. Caden had shown me what it was like to have fun again and be in a new relationship, but would it always feel that way? I needed to see LJ again. I couldn’t let this be the way that our relationship ended. I grabbed my phone and sent him a text asking to meet me for lunch. He replied right away that he could meet me, but only if I could come for a coffee now, as he had an appointment later. I texted back, letting him know that would be all right.
I got up from the table and went upstairs to get dressed, but what does someone wear when they could be seeing someone for the last time? Was black appropriate? After all, wasn’t the end of a relationship the death of someone for someone else? I decided that dark colors would suffice and picked a casual pair of black shorts with a gray t-shirt.
Part of me still wanted to look good for him; I still wanted him to want to fight for me. A pair of black canvas wedges with an ankle strap accentuated my calves, LJ’s self-proclaimed favorite part of my body. Running to the bathroom, I brushed my teeth and swiped on my mascara and lip gloss again, pinned the sides of my hair with bobby pins to keep it out of my face but still long in the back.
The noise of a text popped up on my phone. It was from Caden. “Thinking of you as I get ready to walk in to my meeting. Last night was amazing.”
A lump formed in my throat, as I knew I should tell Caden that I was meeting with LJ. I had promised him that I would give us the space to be without the interference of LJ, but I felt that I had to see LJ one last time. To make sure we were both making the right choice.
I didn’t want to distract him right before his big meeting, though, so I simply texted back: “Good luck! Thank you for the notes and flowers this morning!” and shut off the sound from my phone.
One last glance in the mirror, and I was ready to turn out the light and make my way back out.
The car. I couldn’t drive Caden’s car to meet LJ. Grabbing the keys to my Golf, I jumped in, wishing I was back in Caden’s convertible. As I drove, I took note of all of the familiarity of the road from our house to the store. This had been our life that we built together. The broken tree that marked the right turn we needed to make. The stop light that seemed to never be green. Without that stoplight, the drive would be 5 minutes instead of seven. Then, I arrived at the café next door to the convenience store that was LJ’s life.
I parked and turned the car off. LJ’s five-year-old Honda Civic was parked outside, as he had probably been at the store this morning before we made plans for coffee. His car reminded me of him—nothing fancy, but comfortable. Even the color was a neutral beige. The color of an old couch, and the inside of it just as lived in. While I kept my car impeccable and treated it like a prized possession, he argued that cars were like houses—they should be lived in and feel like a home. I loved to take drives, he loved to get comfortable in the destination. The convenience store was his anchor, a family for him, and he was the father. These comforts kept him happy, and I had gotten used to his type of happiness.
I had gotten comfortable as well, but I didn’t know if that’s what I needed anymore. There had always been this part of me that knew that with LJ, I’d never get to see the world as I wanted. LJ had used the word “explore.” That was exactly what I had been wanting all of this time, and he must have felt my wanderlust.
LJ looked out of the coffee shop door at me. I forced a half-smile and took a deep breath. It was time to face the divergence my life had thrown at me. I opened the door and shakily got out of the car, watching him watch me walk to the door. He opened the door for me as I got close.
“Hi, Cara,” he said softly as he kissed my cheek. “I got your favorite.” He motioned to the table that we always sat it, all the way in the back beside the bookcase.
As we walked back, my heart sank. I didn’t know what I was going to say, or what I even wanted. Taking a seat across from one another, I could see that his eyes were red, with bumps to the outside of his right eye that appeared if he had cried.
“LJ. I…” I started crying. “I don’t know what to say or do. I just knew that we needed to see each other.” I put my head in my hands.
“Cara, please know that wasn’t me at the beach. I didn’t expect for you to be with someone else down there, and I was knocked off kilter. It meant that leaving you had been the right thing to do, and there was no chance of getting you back. I will apologize to him as well, if you want. I promise you, I just want you to be happy,” he spoke softly still, as if he couldn’t bring himself to fully project a voice from his throat.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” I babbled as my crying continued. “I have loved you for so long, and I never meant to find someone else. I don’t even know what that relationship is, yet. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.”
LJ scooted his seat beside mine and put his arm around me in the comforting way he always did. Turning my face to fit in the crook of his arm, I wept. I knew this was it. I was losing LJ and the comfort of everything I knew, to wander into the unknown. Into another man’s arms, it seemed.
“You’re a strong woman, Cara. I wish I was enough for you, but we want different things. You’ll always have a desire to do something more, and I will always want the comfort of staying right here. If not now, we would certainly have to cross this path later,” LJ said, hugging me in a bit tighter. Without any warning, his lips pressed against mine.
“Oh my God.” I moved out of his arm and sat up straight. “We shouldn’t do this, LJ.”
LJ just dropped his head, “I know. I guess I just wanted one last kiss. I wanted to make sure I’d made the right decision. Losing you is hard, you know?” He got up, tipped my chin to face him, and mouthed an inaudible, “goodbye.”
He walked away. I put my head back in my hands and wept until my tears dried.
Glad I was in the back corner of the coffee shop, I raised my head to look around and see if anyone had seen me crying. As I scanned the room, toward the front of the shop, my eyes stopped at another pair staring back at me. Graham.