CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

 

Well, fuck me sideways, I could not have fucked that up better if I tried.

I didn’t wake up this morning with a plan to make Cassie Gentry come on my hand in the backyard of her parents’ house. But then I found her outside and alone and wearing this short white gown that reminded me how outrageously hot she was. She shook her long hair loose while one thin dress strap fell slightly to the side and what happened next hit with the speed of a freight train. 

It wasn’t her fault.  It was mine.  She was the first to reach out and shyly touch my hand but that didn’t have to turn into more.  For a minute I fooled myself into thinking I had a right to put my hands all over her, inside of her, almost losing my mind when she rode my hand with abandon before she shuddered and came.  Then Cassie turned to me, so sexy and so sweetly eager, offering admission to her childhood bedroom to let me do whatever I wanted. 

And I almost did. 

I almost ripped off that flimsy dress and roughly fucked her on her frilly bedspread right in that very room with all the cat posters and shit looking on. 

If I had I would have hated myself five minutes after it was over.  I would have hated myself even more than I did right now.  

 Damn, the way she’d looked at me in that room.  Like I’d stomped all over her heart.  It wasn’t the first time I’d ever been on the receiving end of a look like that but it was the first time my reaction was like a punch in the gut.  I’d never intentionally hurt Cassie.  Sweet, beautiful Cassie who was used to being sheltered and loved and would be better off finding some button down grad student to worship her. 

And then there was the rest of the family.  It would be the height of disrespect to abuse the trust Cord and Saylor had placed in me by messing with their precious daughter right under their roof.  Sure, Cassie was no little girl but she still lived in her parents’ home and she’d never struck me as worldly.  She was lucky to be that way, lucky that life hadn’t bruised her up at all.  I desperately hoped it would never would.  The world was already too crowded with shattered people.

Somewhere in the house one door opened and another one closed.  I knew the sounds in here well enough by now to recognize that Cassie’s door had been the one to open and the secondary bathroom was the one to close.  A moment later I heard the shower start. 

There was no doubt in my mind that I ought to leave.  I’d still see Cassie at work for the rest of the summer but spending my nights here on the couch while she slept just down the hall would be nearly intolerable for me and for her. 

The sound of voices startled me.  I quickly switched on a lamp so it wouldn’t appear I was sitting here on the living couch in the dark like a weirdo. 

Brecken bounded into the room first.  “You’re back!” he said happily. 

I tried to smile.  “Of course I’m back.  I just went to the store.” 

My brother tossed a small brown sack into my lap.  “We got you some frozen yogurt.  Vanilla.  I couldn’t remember what you liked.” 

“Thanks, vanilla’s great.”  My voice sounded hollow even to me.  Brecken tilted his head and looked at me strangely.  I fought my bleak mood away and smiled at him and he relaxed. 

I couldn’t leave tonight.  

There’d be no way to explain that, especially not to Brecken.  He’d grown really attached to the Gentrys.  Being here in this house was the first good thing that had happened to the kid since his mother was hauled off in handcuffs.  There wasn’t all that much time left until he and I would be moving into our own apartment.  My hopes that Tristan would come back to us by the time that happened were starting to fade but I wasn’t giving up on the idea.  Things were about to turn around for the Mulligan boys.  I could stick it out here a little longer for Brecken’s sake.  Tomorrow I’d speak to Cassie.  I’d even extend the hand of friendship.  

I don’t want to be just her damn friend. 

Saylor and Cord were laughing about something when they joined us in the living room.  By nature I didn’t tend to be a sentimental guy but they fascinated me. I’d never known a couple who’d been married for as long as they were and yet were still so clearly head over heels in love.

“Where’s Cassie?” Saylor asked as Cord’s arm lingered around her waist. 

“She’s around here somewhere,” I said, trying to sound like it had never occurred to me to be aware of Cassie’s location. 

“I think I hear the shower running,” Saylor said.  She had a paper bag in her hand like the one that Brecken had tossed to me.  “I’ll put her yogurt in the freezer.” She pointed to Brecken.  “You need to go get ready for bed, young man.” 

As a newly minted teenager, Brecken might have grumbled about being ordered to bed at nine p.m. on a summer night.  But he always seemed content to obey Saylor, happy that a maternal figure was looking out for him.

Before Brecken ran off he frowned and pointed to the bag in my lap.  “You’re not going to eat your yogurt?” 

I looked down at the bag.  I’d never been less hungry in my life. “Maybe I’ll put it in the freezer and save it for tomorrow.” 

He shrugged and ran off to his room.  Well, Cadence’s room.  The third Gentry daughter, the only one I hadn’t met at this point.  I wondered how she’d really feel about a thirteen-year-old boy taking up temporary residence in her room while she was away but Cord had told me Cadence would be glad that her room was getting some use.  I didn’t know about that but I was grateful for the sacrifice anyway. 

“You’re home,” Cassie said, entering the room wearing a thick fuzzy red bathrobe that ended at her ankles and would probably be better suited as post-shower attire in North Dakota in the winter. Her hair was bound up in a towel atop her head.  She smiled and tousled Brecken’s hair before he darted past her.  Then she smiled at her parents.  She didn’t acknowledge me at all. 

“Hi, sweetie,” Saylor said.  “I got you some butterscotch frozen yogurt.  I know you told your dad you didn’t want any but I said that was nonsense.  No daughter of mine would turn down frozen yogurt.” 

Cassie laughed.  “Thanks, Mom.  I’m still stuffed from dinner right now but if you stick it in the freezer I promise I’ll get around to eating it.”  She yawned.  “I’m super tired right now anyway.” 

“You’re not feeling sick, are you?” Saylor asked.  “You look a little flushed.” 

“Well, I did just get out of the shower, Mom. Actually, I’m going to bed as soon as I dry my hair so this is good night.”  She started to leave the room then did a double take.  “Curtis.  I didn’t even see you sitting there.” 

“Yeah, I’ve been here a while,” I said.  I tried to catch her eye in order to gauge just how upset and/or furious she was.  But she wouldn’t look right at me. 

“Whatever,” she said with a little too much breezy attitude. “Good night to you too.” 

“Good night, Cassie.” 

That weird little exchange might have caught the attention of Cassie’s parents if they hadn’t been busy giggling and whispering to each other like high school kids. 

After stowing my dessert in the freezer I grabbed a broom and went out front to sweep the porch area.  I couldn’t really see what I was doing but I needed to perform some kind of activity to keep my mind off Cassie. 

Her father found me out there, industriously sweeping the walkway to the front door.  “Curtis, what the hell are you doing?” 

I paused mid-sweep.  “Nothing, just getting the dust off the concrete.” 

“Right now?”

“Never mind.  I’m done.” 

Cord eyed me when I tried to pass him.  “I know how you feel,” he said. 

I couldn’t read the expression on his face.  He didn’t sound angry.  If he knew what I’d been doing in the backyard twenty minutes ago he would have been angry. 

“It’s not easy,” Cord said. 

No, it wasn’t easy.  It wasn’t easy at all to push away a girl I couldn’t stop thinking about and agonize over whether I’d injured her in doing so. 

“Brothers,” Cord said, crossing his arms and staring out toward the street. “They can really try your soul.” 

I lowered my head.  He was talking about Tristan.  Cord had plenty of brothers of his own so of course he understood how their fates could weigh on you. 

“I wish I knew where he was tonight,” I said.  “If he was safe, if he needed my help.  I don’t even have any leads on him.” 

That was all true.  I’d dug up some old contacts and made a few calls, even taking a drive down to Emblem to poke around and see if he’d turned up down there at all.  Nothing.  It was like my brother had evaporated into the hot desert night approximately two seconds after leaving the Empire Motel. 

“Deck put the word out,” Cord said.  “He still has connections and people tend to want to please him so if anyone has anything to share they won’t hesitate.” 

“Thank you, Cord,” I said.  “Especially for everything you guys are doing for Brecken.  I can’t remember when I’ve seen him so happy.” 

“He’s a great kid,” Cord said.  “We like having him here.  We also don’t mind having you hang around.”

The words were kindly meant but they made me feel like a piece of shit after the way I’d nearly fucked his daughter in his house.  At least I’d stopped things before we reached the point of no return.  Cassie would eventually realize that I did her a favor. We’d never have a thing in common.  After the things I told her tonight she had to understand that.  If this was a story then I’d be the damaged villain and she’d be the naive princess. Stories like that don’t end well in real life. 

Cord followed his wife to bed and Brecken had already shut off his light so I was alone in the living with the old family dog.  He’d trailed me into the house earlier as I chased Cassie to her room.  Now he lounged on his bed in the corner and watched me with what seemed like disapproval. 

There was something I had to do before I could sleep.  I was still all keyed up from earlier and there was a pent up pressure inside of me because I hadn’t given my dick any kind of release.  So I took a shower and jacked off like a madman while recalling the soft feel of Cassie’s tits in my hands and the way she moaned and shuddered when I hit the jackpot with my hand inside of her.  I knew I was a first class hypocrite for beating my meat to the idea of ruthlessly fucking her when I’d already told her it wouldn’t happen.  I couldn’t help myself.  She was my fantasy, ripe and untouchable.  That’s what she’d been since the day we met. 

After I got cleaned up I was bone tired and had no trouble falling into a deep sleep on the pullout couch.  I might have dreamed of her because she was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning. 

I found her in the kitchen, eating her container of frozen yogurt for breakfast.  She kept spooning yogurt into her mouth, ignoring me when I got my own leftover frozen yogurt and sat in the chair beside her. 

“Are you the only one awake?” I asked. 

She ate another spoonful, taking her time about swallowing.  I tried not to stare at her lips.  I wondered if she’d answer me, if she ever planned to talk to me again.  Last night I’d sworn to myself that I’d offer her friendship even if neither of us wanted it. 

“Dad left for work early,” she said.  “Mom’s sleeping I guess. Brecken’s getting ready in the bathroom.” 

I grabbed a spoon from the utensil drawer and pushed it into the frozen yogurt.  “Are you okay?” I asked her in a low voice. 

“I’m not made of fucking porcelain,” she snapped.  She stood up and tossed her yogurt in the trash.  “Don’t ever ask me that again.” 

“Cassidy.”

She was on her way out of the room but paused when I said her name.  I searched my mind for something to tell her, some apology I could make that would smooth everything over but I’d never been great with words. 

Anyway, who the fuck was I kidding?

This wouldn’t be smoothed over. 

Cassie and I could never be friends.  All the simmering sexual tension between us would always get in the way.  It was better to just let her leave the room, to let her go. 

So that’s exactly what I did.