Chapter Fifteen - Kian
I feel nervous as I prepare to go out on stage which isn’t much like me at all. Not here at Serena’s anyway. Maybe if it was a bigger crowd I would, but at Serena’s it’s always chilled out with just a few people watching. That’s how I like it actually. Maybe once upon a time I harbored a dream of being a superstar but when Stephen took that route I didn’t want to anymore. I found myself happy in New Zealand, content with being more small time. I do my small gigs, I teach my music lessons, it doesn’t earn me a fortune, but I’m happy. I like it enough. I don’t want for anything more… not anymore.
No, the nerves aren’t coming from the crowd, or at least not all of it. There’s just one person who will be watching me and I’m terrified of making a fool out of myself in front of her. I don’t want her to think that I’m an idiot. I can’t help myself, I want her to like me.
It’s wrong, I think to myself shaking my head. It’s so, so wrong. On every single level.
I know it isn’t right to think of Tia in any kind of romantic way, it’s probably bad enough that we’re friends, never mind anything else but I can’t stop myself from feeling that way about her. The more time I spend with her, the more she infiltrates my dreams, and the more I dream about her the more attracted I become. I’ve considered the possibility that it might just be the competitiveness between me and Stephen still coming out even after his death, but I know it isn’t that. What I feel for Tia is so genuine. More than anything that’s come before.
It’s everything to me. It’s just a shame that it’s wrong.
Of course, there’s one way I could counteract this. If I really wanted to I could just stop hanging out with her to ensure that my feelings don’t grow anymore, but every time I try to do that something pulls me back in. I’m addicted to her, she’s like a drug that I just can’t give up. I feel like it’s headed towards a disaster, but I can’t seem to stop myself anyway. She consumes me, she’s all of me, she’s everything and I just can’t let her go.
If things were different I might be meeting her under different circumstances. Stephen could have brought her home to visit the family as his girlfriend. Then what would I have done? I couldn’t have felt this way about her then or it would have become even more of a catastrophe. But that hasn’t happened. Things have gone the way that they have so there’s no real point in wallowing in ‘what ifs’. This is it, I need to find a way to deal with it.
With a shake of my head I try to get my brain back in the game. I can’t worry about what’s happening with me and Tia tonight, not when I want to do a good job with this open mic night. Maybe I don’t want fame and fortune, but I still want to put on a good show. If anything, I’ve gotten a lot of teaching jobs from the open mic nights and I don’t want to ruin that. Especially not with nerves. I need to forget about her for now and just get on with it.
“Are you ready, Kian?” Hayley, one of the young waitresses calls back to me with a smile and a wink. “You’re nearly up.”
“Yes,” I breathe deeply. “I think so. Is it packed out there?” There’s only really one person I care about, but I don’t know what she’s wearing so I can’t describe her.
“It’s not too bad,” she smiles. “But they’re getting impatient. You’re getting a little fan club out there now. Don’t keep them waiting too long.”
This is silly, I think to myself. Tia has seen me play before, she knows what I sound like. She knows my music isn’t anything like Stephen’s… but still I can’t shake off the anxiety. There’s only one thing for it. I need to get out there. I can’t put it off any longer.
I push back the curtain and keep my eyes fixed on the ground as I walk. There’s a chair situated in the middle of the stage that I know the location of well. I could find it with my eyes closed, which is lucky since that’s pretty much what I’m doing right now. I move until I can’t go any further, drinking in the smattering of clapping that breaks out around the coffee shop, then I sit.
Once my butt hits the seat I can’t keep my eyes down anymore. I need to look up to see who’s about. Almost as if there’s a powerful magnetic force between us my eyes instantly hit hers and I dive into the pool of her eyes, loving the feel of her gaze surrounding me. She smiles slightly, making my heart skip a beat. Sitting there with her hair spilling over her shoulders, her skin glowing under the lights, and her hands sat primly in her lap, all my doubts simply fly away. I know it isn’t right, but I can’t help how I feel, and how I feel right now is that I want to worship Tia for the rest of my damn life.
“Right,” I croak into the microphone. “I have some new material to play you tonight, but don’t worry I’ll still do some of the old stuff as well.” I wasn’t planning on playing any of the songs that have been inspired by Tia, but how can I not with her sitting there looking so beautiful? I want her to know how I feel without actually having to tell her. The thought of saying those words aloud terrifies me. “So here we go, one, two, three…”
As I burst into song I know that I’m risking everything. I’m treading a dangerous path that could ruin mine and Tia’s friendship, but I have to take a leap of faith or I won’t be able to control myself much longer. If I’m totally honest with myself I think she might be feeling the same way too. We’re both tiptoeing around it for obvious reasons, but I think it’s time to finally stop doing that. As my fingers strum and the words fly out of my mouth I know for sure that one way or another, tonight is going to change everything. I can only hope that it’s in the way I want…
***
“That was brilliant,” Hayley gushes as I descend off of stage forty five minutes later in a bit of a haze. “Honestly I think that might be the best set you’ve ever done.”
I turn to look at her with wide, blank eyes. I think I blocked most of it out because of how it makes me feel. I was so vulnerable, so open, so exposed. As I was up there singing it seemed like such a good idea at the time but now I’m not so sure. Am I really ready to take that step with Tia? What if she brushes me off and wants nothing more to do with me? It was such a risk… have I been an idiot for taking it? Am I about to really regret it?
“Erm, yeah, thanks,” I finally gush. “Well I think I better go…”
“You don’t want to stay for a drink?” Hayley hands me a cappuccino with a small smile playing on her lips. “I made it specially for you. The same as you always have.”
I down the drink in two quick gulps not wanting to be rude. “Thank you, Hayley, I really appreciate it and I’ll see you next week but I really have to go now.”
I stuff my guitar back into the case and head towards the door. I’m sure Hayley has a million and one questions for me. We’re friends, really, but tonight isn’t the night. I have far too much on my mind to even consider normal conversation. Mostly I just need to see Tia, to tear the band aid off then at least I’ll know either way, the anticipation is killing me.
I burst out into the coffee shop, probably looking as wild and crazy as I feel inside and I immediately bump into her. I can tell by the way that Tia is standing awkwardly at the side of the counter that she’s been waiting for me, and considering she’s biting down on her thumb nail I think it’s safe to assume that we need to have a conversation. I close my eyes and pray for just a second that it goes the way I want it to.
“Hey, Kian,” Tia says softly. “That was amazing. You were really great up there?”
Once upon a time, my competitive beast inside would have leapt up in my chest and demanded to know if I was better than Stephen, especially since Tia has slept with him and I like her, but that thought doesn’t even crop up into my brain. I manage to take the compliment for exactly what it is. A nice remark meant just for me.
“Thank you,” I reply weakly. “It was really good of you to come.”
She nods and bites down on her bottom lip and nods. I desperately want to ask her what’s going on inside her brain but at the same time I’m not sure that I want to know. I don’t know if it’s better to leave things just as unanswered as they really are.
“Shall we get out of here?” she practically whispers as her head nods towards the door behind her. “Maybe go for a drink or something? Something a little stronger than coffee.”
That idea is so appealing I could burst. “Yes,” I reply decisively. “Let’s do that.”
Then something unexpected happens, something that’s never happened before. It almost makes me stop in my tracks for a moment, but thankfully I find the strength to keep on going as she slips her hand into mine and she laces her fingers through mine. It’s a gesture that’s so sweet and unassuming but that also means the world. We’ve never been close like this with each other before, the action holds promise that something might really be about to happen. I keep trying not to dare dream that it might actually come to life in reality but it seems that it just might happen. My leap of faith might be about to pay off in the best way possible.
“Your songs are beautiful,” she says kindly once we get outside. “Those lyrics are amazing.”
They’re all about you, I want to declare proudly, but I don’t. I think I’ve used up my bravery quota for the month now.
“Thank you,” I say instead. “That’s kind of you to say.”
She stops on the sidewalk, causing me to do the same and she cranes her neck to look at me. There’s something in her gaze, something truly important and I need to know what it is. I feel like she’s trying to communicate with me, but I don’t want to get my reading wrong. My heart pounds, my mouth runs dry, butterflies dance about in my stomach…
Then she raises herself up onto her tiptoes and there’s no denying her meaning anymore. Her eyes slide close and she purses her lips, looking even more incredible than she always does in my dreams. I dip my head, caving to temptation, giving myself all that I’ve ever wanted. Then our lips crash together and the world completely slides out from underneath me in the best way possible. Fireworks explode, my whole body lights up like someone has ignited a fire underneath me.
It’s then I know that nothing will ever be the same again.