CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Stephen
I was a fucking mess all week. I worked hard to avoid everyone at work, particularly Paul and Mandy. It looked like he was leaning down to kiss her in her office that day, which was brazen and a surprise to me. If Mandy was, in fact, sleeping with other guys in the office, it was only a matter of time before I caught her with one of them.
Was she fucking Paul? The thought made me sick, but he got a lot of women in his bed, despite being an obnoxious horndog. Paul was single with a nice apartment and no kids to tie his life up like I had. He could give her whatever she needed whenever she wanted. Most of the people here were single and partied a lot, so why wouldn’t Mandy crave that? She was young and single.
I couldn’t picture her sleeping with a lot of people at all, much less in a matter of weeks. That didn’t seem like Mandy at all. She was shy with me at certain points. She didn’t act like some of the whores I’d seen at bars out with friends.
I wanted something with her. I wanted to move on with her and get to where she knew my son. I didn’t only want to be a couple but a family. I wanted to give Brandon what he wanted. I wanted it all and the act of trying to get it just fucked me over.
Beyond that, I had Brandon’s constant questions about Lacy. I tried to answer as best as I could, not wanting to tarnish her for him but also not wanting to hand her over to him. I made her stay away while I thought about all of this, but Lacy being back killed me. She was pressuring me to talk to her, to see her son, and I knew that she wanted to start a life together.
Martin told me at the end of the week that Mandy would be on a new project with me. That was the icing on the fucking cake. I’d have to see her and work with her, knowing how hurt I was by all of this.
Since I’d put her off for a food week, I finally agreed to meet Lacy at a coffee shop to talk after work one night. I left the office after everyone else did and made my way out to the parking lot alone, dreading the next several moments of my life. I did have to face this head on and try to figure out what role Lacy was going to play in my life; in Brandon’s life.
I’d talked to Kevin and my mom a lot since she had shown up at my door. Terry felt terrible about telling her my address, but she believed that Lacy deserved to talk to me. She couldn’t have kids and the fact that Brandon didn’t have a mom for so many years bothered her, so it was that part of her that weakened to Lacy’s pleas. They were disappointed in Lacy’s choice, but now that she was back, they both urged me to talk to her and figure out what this all meant. My mom was gentle when she reminded me that Brandon knew of her and deserved answers, no matter how that came about. This wasn’t just about me.
I drove to the corner shop and parked, taking a deep breath for a moment. I needed to be strong for this.
I got out and went inside, glancing around the large room. I saw Lacy’s new purple bob as she watched me from a private corner and swallowed the lump in my throat. I went to order a coffee to keep my hands busy, even though I was shaking enough already.
Once the cup was in my hand, I walked over to the small table and slid in across from her. “Thank you for meeting me, Stephen.”
“It was against my better wishes, but we need to figure something out here, Lacy. I can’t keep putting Brandon off.” I leveled her with a hard gaze, watching her pale.
Brandon looked a lot like me, and everyone told me that. Sitting here across from her, I could see that he had her lips and when he smiled; the same dimple. It pissed me off, but I knew I was lucky to have him in my life. I was goddamn lucky to be his father.
“I know.” Her voice was soft, and the usually confident woman seemed oddly subdued. I thought back to when we met. I found her to me vibrant and fun to be around. We were on a double date set up by Kevin and Terry. “I have to tell you why I left, Stephen.” Lacy paused and played with her cup of coffee for a second. “I was addicted to drugs as well as alcohol at the time. We both know that Brandon was a shock and for me, it sent me right into a serious case of postpartum depression that I hid from everybody. Tried to. I don’t know.” Her eyes searched my face, and I nodded to confirm that I’d noticed something off with her. I was working for the office as a new employee and focused on securing a future for my family, since Lacy and I were still together at that point.
“I did. I was so worried about my job and a future for him that I only made sure that he was being cared for and safe. I assumed that a lot of women went through that in the beginning, something I’d heard about.” I felt like an asshole for not caring about her more than I had at the time, but it was a stressful period in both of our lives. I did the best that I could. “I thought that you would be okay.”
“I did as well. As time went on, it seemed to get better, but there were such awful days. I thought that I was a terrible mom and I knew that I was neglecting you as well. You were doing so much to provide for us. We had a great apartment, and I had everything I needed, yet I felt so empty inside. I went out with Stacy one night that you were home. I think that Brandon was about six months old and he could be without me for a little while. I was so relieved, and we went to have some drinks. I…I realized that it was an escape for me and something that I wanted more of. I told you that I wanted some time to myself, which I did. I just didn’t tell you why.“ I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and it distracted me from something I already didn’t want to hear. My mind was already on Mandy much more than I wanted it to be. Hell, I’d been obsessing about the short-lived heat that I felt with her and how rare that was. I felt it vibrate again and pulled it from my pocket as Lacy stared at me with anger flashing through her eyes.
Fuck. It was Mandy wanting to talk to me about the project. She asked if we could meet at the office in a couple of hours, knowing that I had a key to the building. I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, but something nagged at me, telling me to hear her out. I blinked and looked back at Lacy. “Sorry. Work stuff.”
She sighed and kept describing how much she started to drink and then get into drugs. I remembered how little she’d been involved at the very end and in fact, was even late to his first birthday party. I was livid, but we had a lot of family and friends there that didn’t need to witness a fight.
“I knew soon that I had a problem. I recognized it and being that my dad was an alcoholic, I got scared. I talked to my mom, and she agreed to help me with the addiction, but she lived in Maine at the time.” Brandon only had my parents in his life to this day, and I cursed her flighty mother for helping in that way. A tear slid down Lacy’s cheek, and her lower lip trembled. “I agreed to come there and do whatever it took to get better. To do that, I felt that I should leave you both, but I was so fucked up in my head. I know now that it wasn’t right, but I honestly didn’t think it would be so long that I was gone. I handed Brandon to you and caught a bus to meet Mom, sobbing the entire way. He was my beautiful baby boy, and I was leaving, but I had to do right by him. I felt like a terrible mom seeing how much you did for us, for him. I wanted to fix things.”
“You walked completely away from us,” I reminded her as she nodded and cried harder.
“I planned to go to rehab and get right back. I hated being away from both of you. It was supposed to be easy, but the depression was so deep by then. I tried rehab, but they concluded that I needed mental health treatment at the same time. I started meds for anxiety and therapy to work through my issues, going to rehab a short while later to try to beat the addiction.” Lacy sniffled. “I failed at both for longer than I expected. Mom wasn’t as supportive as she initially appeared to be and I had to get a job to pay for all of it. I needed a lot of money, so I started stripping, justifying the job by telling myself how fast I could earn cash. Everything would move faster, and I’d be home again.”
I imagined her on a stage, so young at twenty-one. Lacy was a pretty girl to this day and men would want to see her up there. I was taken with her when we met with her big blue eyes and dark hair. “Lacy, why?” I asked as she shrugged.
“I was still using. I wasn’t thinking. I got stuck there in this cycle of work, therapy and trying to quit everything that I was using. It was vicious, and it took me so long to get out of it, but my sister finally helped me. I did it, Stephen. I have been clean for a year now, and it is all so clear to me. I see all the terrible things that I did and worked through it in some horrible therapy sessions. That was so painful.” Her eyes took on a glazed look as she visited a bad time and I sighed. “I knew that I loved you, Stephen. I regretted leaving, and I missed both of you so much.”
“I don’t miss you. I didn’t miss you,” I told her, watching her flinch. “I am sorry that you went through all of that, Lacy. I am sorry that I didn’t know what to do to help you, but we weren’t communicating well then.”
“There’s no chance for us?” she asked, and I shook my head slowly. I couldn’t fathom getting back with her in any scenario. I needed to see what I had with Mandy and move on with my life from there.
“I would like to see you with Brandon. I need records of your sobriety, medical or anything that you can show me. I am willing to give that a chance since you are his mom. I just don’t want anything more.”
I saw that it hurt her deeply, but Lacy nodded slowly. She looked like she was clean to me by the healthy color of her skin and the curves that used to weaken me. We were both young when we were together, and it was a highly physical relationship for both of us. “Come by tomorrow night, and we will all get dinner. Brandon can get to know you slowly, and we are going to give him all the space and time that he needs.”
We had something of a schedule arranged by the time I left the coffee shop two hours later. Lacy was clearly disappointed by the way things ended, but I was clear in the fact that I didn’t want anything more.
I headed to my car and wondered what the fuck was going to happen with Mandy as I drove back to the office.