CHAPTER 96
“WHAT IS IT?” Jeff asked worriedly. “What are you talking about? You seemed out of it for a couple of minutes.”
“I was, but I’m back.” Considered next moves. Decided it was time to do what I did best—go with the crazy. Focused on the lead Aicirtap ship. “Wait for my next order.” Touched my Beaming Bling and the helicarrier wasn’t there anymore.
Instead I was at the command center of the ship I’d focused on. Didn’t stop to stare at the Aicirtap all around me, who were all reacting to my sudden appearance by flapping their gigantic mandibles and pincers and such. Flipped the switch on my gun from Dust to Devolve. And fired at the first Bug Person I saw.
The guns were sporting self-contained nukes, thanks to the A-Cs, who had these lying around the Science Center like party favors. Meaning the shot was powerful and faster than the Killer Octopus had been.
Didn’t stop to see what was going to happen, just spun and shot every Bug Person near me as fast as I could. The weapons had been created to fire as fast as an A-C could work the trigger, meaning fast. And adrenaline had done me a solid and shown up when I needed it—I was revved up as if I was at the height of my rage. But I wasn’t angry. I was inspired.
Did a full revolution, hitting at least twenty Aicirtap. Then took a fast look around. The ship was set up for beings with multiple limbs and had a very insectoid feeling, which wasn’t totally a shock. Had no idea if the flyboys could work the controls I saw, but doubted that I could.
My music changed to “Built for Speed” by the Stray Cats. It was nice to be back in sync with Algar.
Would have spent more time in perusal and/or rocking out, but all the hints and what I’d hoped for was paying off—the Aicirtap I’d hit were shuddering and appeared to be smaller. Not a lot yet, but perhaps undoing someone else’s evil work took time.
Time to zap again, since the rest of the Aicirtap I could see were converging on me. My adrenaline was at an all-time high, and it was like everything was in slow motion. Zapped, ducked, zapped, dodged, zapped, zapped, leaped, zapped, rolled, and on and on. Managed a very impressive run up the side of a wall then backwards somersaulting flip, while zapping every bug in sight. I was like a live-action ad for Raid.
Landed in an impressive catlike stance because no one I wanted to impress was around to see it. As near as I could tell, I’d zapped every Aicirtap if not on the ship, then at least that had come into the command deck area, or wherever I was.
The first one I’d hit stopped shuddering. It had been as Muddy had described—about three times bigger than Kyle. Now it was just Kyle-sized, so still a hell of a lot bigger than me.
It made noises for a while, then suddenly I could understand it. “Sorry, you’ll need to repeat yourself, missed anything you said prior.”
“What . . . what did you do?” it asked me. Couldn’t tell if it was a male or female.
“I think I just turned you back into what you used to be. Hopefully still as smart as you used to be, but if not, apologies in advance.”
It looked around as “Victim Of Circumstance” by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts came on. “Why are we in warships?”
“Oh dear. Um, this is probably going to sound like so much lying, but the uplift the Z’porrah gave you made you three times bigger and turned you into murderous monsters. You’ve torn up a great deal of this side of the galaxy.”
“That . . . that is impossible. We are a peaceful race! Our ships are defensive, only.”
As it said this, more Unzapped Aicirtap arrived. The Zapped Aicirtap all screamed. Yeah, that was the galaxy’s reaction, too. “Sorry, gotta save you from yourselves.” Zapped the newcomers using rapid fire. Got them all. Blew on the end of my gun. “I think I’m enjoying cleaning up this town. You were saying?”
“Why did you do that?”
“Um, to save you from your crewmates or relatives or whatever.”
“No, I meant blowing on your gun.”
“Oh, that. It’s a human thing from the part of Earth where I was born.”
“Earth! What is an Earthling doing out here?”
“Um, not sure you’ve been following me, but you are in my solar system.”
“No,” the Zapped Spokes-Aicirtap said. “That cannot be.” It ran to look out. “What have we done?”
“Lots of horrible things. You need to do a headcount, right now. I need to know if I’ve hit all your crew or if there are more of you here.”
“I have no idea.” It turned back to me. “I remember . . . a terrible dream. A nightmare.”
“It was all real. Someone needs to take me through your ship, fast. We have the rest of your fleet to try to save, and if I don’t get back to my ship, my people are going to do their best to kill all of yours.”
Wouldn’t have thought a sort of humanoid beetle could go pale, but this one managed it. “No,” it whispered. “Earth is bloodthirsty. The humans murder our kind every day.”
“Um, on my planet your kind tend to be the size of my thumb or smaller, and they aren’t sentient as you’d know it. However, the bloodthirsty part is right on. Take me through this ship, right now.”
It obliged and we scuttled off. Well, it scuttled—the Aicirtap could and did walk on their hind legs but apparently if speed was required they went on all sixes, or whatever they called it. Every Zapped Aicirtap we passed was coming out of their terrible nightmare. All seemed distressed, many were sobbing, and some were wailing.
Turned out to be a good thing I’d seen Alien and Aliens and any horror movie you wanted to name, because there were plenty of Unzapped Aicirtap. Zapped them all, even the couple that were hiding in the cargo bay. Algar did me a solid and put one of my favorite songs to fight to, “Electric Worry” by Clutch, on repeat. This time I was fairly sure it was only for my enjoyment, as opposed to warning me about dangerous electrical currents.
Once the ship was cleaned—and we’d waded back through Aicirtap who were falling on me, begging me to either tell them their collective nightmare wasn’t true or begging me to save the rest of their people—told the Zapped Spokes-Aicirtap to sit tight. “If weapons start firing, land on that planet.” Pointed to Mars. “I don’t think you can breathe there, but it’ll get you out of the fight and identify you as the ship where all the Aicirtap are back to normal.” I hoped.
“Wait,” it said. “What do I call you?”
“Kitty. What’s your name?”
“Ulzax. Are you a female or a male?”
“Female. You?”
“Female as well.”
“Great, then, girl to girl, this situation really isn’t your race’s fault, in that sense, but that’s not going to fly in a war crimes court. So, don’t fire on my ship but get ready to have to fire on your own, because if the rest of your fleet reaches Earth, everyone dies. And that includes all of you.”
She nodded. “We will do as you’ve said.”
“Great.” Considered what else to say. “I’ll be back.” Then I thought of Chuckie, because he was guaranteed to still be on the helicarrier, and hit my Beaming Bling.
Landed next to Chuckie right back in the helicarrier’s command center, just in time to hear Jeff bellowing about demanding to be allowed off the ship. My music turned off.
“Chillax your face. I’ve got it under control.”
Everyone stared at me. “Where the hell have you been?” Jeff asked, sounding freaked out and huffy. “None of us could leave. This equipment doesn’t work.”
“Oh, it works.” ACE, Jamie, Algar, and/or Naomi were just ensuring that it couldn’t work until I was back.
Everyone started talking. Put up the paw. Everyone, including Jeff, shut up. I had embraced the FLOTUS Power and now it was mine to use at will. Excellent.
“No arguing, no speaking, no complaining. Just listening and doing exactly what I say. The Aicirtap are salvageable. Change the setting on your guns to Devolve. We’re all going to pick specific ships, one of us to a ship. Then, once you’re there, zap any and all Aicirtap you see with the Devolution ray. I don’t want dead Aicirtap, I want living ones. Search every inch of the ship—I found plenty in the obvious places but more than enough in the not so obvious ones, too.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Jeff asked.
“I get it,” Chuckie said excitedly. “Cliff’s ray works on the mind, and that’s what the Z’porrah’s uplift must have affected in the Aicirtap. The pituitary gland would affect size and strength, and messing with the mind can always affect the emotional centers. Did you actually devolve one?”
“No.” He looked disappointed. “I devolved the entire ship full of them.” Chuckie brightened back up. Turned back to the others. “And every one of them is distraught to hysterical over what’s happened and is happening. They are to be rescued, just like the rest of the aliens who came to Earth for help. They came to us for help, too. They just didn’t know it.”
“Where do we aim?” Jeff asked, Commander in Chief Voice on Full, all freaked-out husband gone and replaced by the guy who’d led his people against much worse monsters wearing only an Armani suit and a hell of a lot of leadership and authority.
“It takes a direct hit anywhere on the Aicirtap, but if you can hit the head it’s a faster return to normal for them. They have no memory of what they’ve done, by the way. Remembered as a nightmare. But since I told them the nightmares are real, they are, as I said earlier, pretty damn freaked out.”
“They’ve murdered millions of people,” Siler said. “You sure we should show them mercy?” Had a feeling I knew why he was asking.
I nodded. “Not all killers are evil. What they did was evil, but they aren’t. If we’re going to save the world, or the galaxy, or whatever, that means we have to try to save all of it. Even the parts we don’t like, are afraid of, or have hurt us. We have to save it all. Or we’re no better than the Z’porrah. Or what the majority of the Aicirtap are right now.”
“And no better than Cliff or LaRue or Reid,” Chuckie said quietly.
“Exactly. Secret Agent Man, you have to stay here in case one of us gets into trouble. My first ship was easy, relatively speaking, but there’s no guarantee the others will be. And there are a lot of others. I took the lead ship, but we’re spoilt for choice for where we go next.”
“Count off,” Jeff said, as he changed his gun’s setting. Everyone else followed suit. “We’ll be going from left to right, avoiding the lead ship. You count one, you choose the leftmost ship. Two, the one directly to the first one’s right. And so on. Shoot to kill if that’s your only option to survive. Otherwise, as Kitty said, shoot to save.”
“Once you’ve cleaned your ship, return to Chuckie, and seriously, think of him because it’ll land you right back here, versus on the controls the flyboys are using to keep us all safe. The flyboys will be able to tell you what ships are cleared. Pick the next one, moving right from the last where one of us went, lather, rinse, and repeat. If you’re at the end, start from the leftmost side of the next line.”
“Can we get the cleaned ships to move?” Gower asked. “If only to make it easier.”
“Possibly. I suggested that the lead ship head for Mars, but only if things went bad, mostly because I didn’t want their breaking ranks to cause the rest of the fleet to attack. So, um, as with most things, play that one by ear.”
Gower grinned at me. “Or, as we call it, routine.”