Chapter Fourteen
Cam’s thoughts churned as he started making his way back down the road. He couldn’t let the worries spinning through his mind like a tornado become fully formed, because the fury and disbelief would get the better of him, and he wouldn’t effectively be able to do what needed to be done.
They’d passed a structure that had been little more than a flat roof on four posts that had broken down farm machinery parked underneath it. Though he knew he’d already been pushing Bren to her limits in the past few days—and today especially—he couldn’t help the fast pace as he spied the structure and hurried toward the low wooden fence running the perimeter of the field.
Neve coughed, fully awake but not saying anything, maybe able to sense the sudden change in Bren’s mood and his.
He circled the rusty machinery, then picked a sheltered spot, and crouched to let Neve down from his shoulders.
As he shrugged out of his pack and dropped it to the ground, Bren put her pack down and rubbed her shoulders.
“How do you want to play this?” She kept her voice even, obviously trying to keep the worry out of her tone for Neve’s sake.
“You two stay here. I’m going to check things out.” He flipped open his pack and took out a flashlight, an extra gun, which he holstered at his ankle, and a small first aid kit just in case.
“Where are you going?” Neve’s question came out too calm, like she was upset about him going, but didn’t want them to know it.
Bren set a comforting hand on her shoulder. “We just want to make sure the village is safe before we go in.”
She glanced up at him, dark shadows in her gaze.
“Do you have to go?” Neve wrapped her arms around herself.
“I’ll be back before you know it.” He held an arm out to her, and she came forward to bury herself against his chest. He hugged her tightly. “Stay here with Bren. She’ll give you something to eat. It can be a snack to tide you over until we see about organizing that feast of warm, fresh bread you wanted.”
He set her back from him.
With a short sigh, he pushed to his feet and went over to his pack. Down the back panel in a hidden compartment, he pulled out two small radios, even though having the tech behind enemy lines was dangerous and using it wasn’t protocol.
With the possibility that he’d lost his entire team except for one member, he was calling this an extreme situation. The need to stay in immediate contact was more important than maintaining cover.
He tucked one of the radios into his jacket, then handed the other to Bren.
“Don’t hesitate to use this if you need me.”
Her expression hardened as she closed her fists around the radio.
He then pulled out the radio Seb had given him that he’d gotten from the rebels in the village the day before.
“Use this. See if you can contact Halden and let him know what happened here. Those soldiers we saw might be heading to his village next.”
She muttered a curse under her breath, but nodded.
“I shouldn’t be more than an hour or two.” He took out his weapons from where they were concealed beneath his jacket one by one, checking ammo and power packs. “I’m just going to walk the perimeter of the village. See if I can’t get an idea of where our team might be.”
He didn’t need to say it; no doubt they were both sharing the same concerns over the fate of Seb and his men. The men were too well trained to be taken by surprise. But they were also honorable men with heart. He had no doubt they would have put themselves at risk to aid the villagers. If they’d been captured or killed, it would have been while trying to save people.
As he straightened and went to step away, Bren caught his hand.
“Be careful.” There was something in her gaze as she stared up at him. More than just a fellow soldier telling him to watch his six, making his pulse instinctively spike. He couldn’t stop to think about it, but it made walking away from her both easier and harder in the same breath.
“I’ll come back to you. Both of you.”
He gave her fingers a quick squeeze before letting her go and walking away. If he glanced back to see her and Neve sitting there in the shadows and moonlight, he’d start second-guessing his decision to leave them, even for a short period of time. And that wasn’t in anyone’s best interest.
Once he cleared the low wooden fence and got his boots back on the road, he put everything out of his mind except for the need to be on guard. After the contingent of soldiers they’d passed earlier in the day, he didn’t think it likely there were any CS soldiers hanging around, but it would be foolish to take that belief at face value, keeping him on alert as he carefully closed in on the distant glow.
He got the sense the village was completely abandoned—it was just a feeling in his guts. He hoped it was because everyone had evacuated when the soldiers had started torching the buildings, but fear that the void of life was due to a more sinister reason lurked in the back of his mind like a ghost that refused to be exorcised.
As he made the outskirts of the village, the miasma of smoke thickened, so he pulled his T-shirt up over his mouth and nose. Damn. He could have used a gas mask, but it’d been one of many items they’d chosen to risk going without on this mission.
The houses were nothing more than burning embers with blackened skeletons sticking up out of the remains like a pagan pyre. Though the flames had died down, the smoldering rubble still gave off considerable heat, meaning he was unable to get too close. The thick smoke was making his eyes water.
God only knew whether there were toxic chemicals in the smoke that he was inhaling. So, like he’d promised Bren, he dropped back to circle the perimeter.
He moved slowly through the shadows, sweeping the flashlight across some of the ruins, trying to remain vigilant to not make himself a target if there happened to be enemy soldiers patrolling nearby.
Every home he passed was the same: burned down to the foundation. Such damage could have only been wrought by using some kind of accelerant to propel the flames into an inferno, pushing the blaze to burn everything fast and hot. By the time he’d completed a lap around the village, his concerns were deepened, not allayed.
What boot marks he could see in the ash and dirt likely belonged to the CS soldiers who’d torched the village. It was hard to make out any tracks that might have led away from the village.
Frustration dogged his every step as he made his way back down the road to the shelter where he’d left Bren and Neve. He radioed Bren to let her know he was coming back so she didn’t shoot him by accident.
Neve was standing in the shadows of one of the larger pieces of machinery and came out with hesitant steps to greet him as he approached. He took her hand, and they rounded the large machine to where Bren was sitting with the packs, a very small fire lit in a cleared patch of dirt.
Bren stared up at him, and he wished he had better news to give her. The best thing they could do was get some rest and set out in the morning. By then, hopefully many of the fires would have burnt themselves out and much of the smoke would have blown away.
“Did you contact Halden?” he asked before she could say anything.
“I spoke to someone who said they’d pass on the message. Hopefully, we’ve given them enough warning.”
“We’ve given them more than this village had.”
She didn’t reply, expression grim as she handed over an MRE.
After they ate, and Neve had fallen asleep, he climbed to his feet and motioned to Bren.
Shoving his hands in the pockets of his pants, he walked from beneath the shadow cast by the roof of their shelter and out into the moonlight, pacing a few yards away and then stopping. He could still see Neve lying by the fire from here, and she would be able to see them if she awoke, but hopefully the sound of their voices wouldn’t disturb her.
Bren came to a stop in front of him, arms crossed and expression pensive.
“Obviously you didn’t find anything good in the village.” Her tone held a deep note of concern.
He forked a hand through his hair, exhaling a quick sigh. “I can’t tell you anything we didn’t already know.”
She paced a few steps away and then returned. “But you’ve got a theory, right?”
He didn’t want to put a voice to his gut feeling. He wanted cold hard facts. He wanted to see evidence with his own eyes whether or not Seb and his men had survived that destruction.
“Yeah. I’m guessing it’s the same one you’ve got.”
From the way her expression tightened, he got the sense she hadn’t liked his response. He set both hands on her shoulders, drawing her in a little closer.
“We can’t do anything tonight except try to get some rest.”
She scoffed, her shoulders tensing beneath his touch. “Like either of us are going to be able to sleep tonight.”
“Worrying isn’t going to help anyone. Not you, not me, not Seb, and not my other men. We’ve got no reason to think the worst.”
Her gaze sharpened on him, intent in the way she studied his features. “Do you honestly believe that?”
Her direct, unapologetic question made his already tight guts get heavier.
“It’s what I have to believe.” The words came out rough, like a truth ripped from deep within him.
He couldn’t do it again. Lose an entire team. Have to return to his superior officers alone and explain how it’d come about that so many men had died on his watch. Even if, like last time, their deaths had been completely out of his control. That he was lucky not to have died right alongside them.
Just the thought of it made his ribs clamp around his lungs until he couldn’t draw a full breath.
Something must have shown in his expression, or maybe with the way they were standing so close, Bren sensed his muscles turning to stone beneath his flesh, because she set her palms on his chest just below his collarbones.
“Cam, whatever happens, you can’t blame yourself.” Her voice was firm and gentle at the same time, and apparently exactly what he needed.
“They’re my men. My team—”
“And they knew the risks when they followed you into enemy territory.”
“So if they get killed, I should be able to wash my hands of it?”
His chest felt like an inferno had been lit beneath his sternum, and now he couldn’t get any air from the flames stealing all his oxygen. He desperately tried to suck in a long pull of air but nothing happened. Nothing except that blazing sensation spreading to his heart and then along his arms like his blood was turning to lava. He tightened his hold on Bren’s shoulders and her expression became concerned.
“Cam?”
He couldn’t answer her because he was suffocating in his own body. He closed his eyes and dropped his chin to his chest struggling to regain control.
Bren’s hands fisted in his shirt, bringing her closer to him.
“Just breathe, okay? Just breathe.”
If he’d been able to suck in any damn air he would have laughed at that.
Because that was his problem, and he was starting to get dizzy.
What the hell was this? Had he inhaled something toxic from the smoke and now his body was shutting down? The thought brought equal measure of terror and fury. If something happened to him, Neve and Bren would be left alone. Maybe not defenseless, because Bren could handle herself, but the danger to her and the little girl would be that much greater. It would be harder for them to reach the safety of the base on the other side of the battlefront.
Her hands slid from his chest up his neck to either side of his face. “Cameron, I think you’re having a panic attack.”
A panic attack? Like hell. He did not have panic attacks. Not now, not ever. He managed to clench his jaw and shake his head, which she apparently found amusing, if the small grin tugging at her lips was an indication.
“You’re going to be fine. You just need to focus on me all right?”
He locked his eyes on to hers, blocking out the night-shadowed field around them.
“Good,” she said in a low, soothing voice. “Now breathe with me. In one, two, three. Out one, two, three, four.”
Finally his lungs unseized, and he was partly able to suck in some air with her counting. The next one came easier again. They stood like that for a few long minutes, with her counting their breaths in and out until his heart was no longer racing and chest no longer felt like it was on fire.
He puffed out a final hard exhale, this one filled with relief. Goddamn. She’d been right, he’d been having a fucking panic attack.
Relief that he was able to breathe easier unfurled through his body, weakening his tight muscles.
Bren was still holding on to him, and at some point, his hands had ended up on her waist. He leaned down and set his forehead against hers, letting his eyes fall closed.
She’d talked him off the ledge, and he got the feeling that nothing and no one else would have been able to do it as successfully as she had. There was something special about her—a slow realization that had been dawning on him for days. But that fact had dug deep into his psyche, overwriting everything he thought he’d known about her, until he could no longer remember why he’d been so suspicious of her.
“Better now?” Her words weren’t much more than a whisper, skimming through the cool night shadows between them.
He couldn’t answer her, not yet.
His next breath was laced with the subtle, sweet scent of her curls, which had to be his imagination, didn’t it? But it tempted him beyond logic, to a place where he could think of nothing except catching her mouth beneath his to see if she tasted just as sweet.
As though the decision had been made long ago and it was just a formality of closing the distance between them, he shifted, only the slightest, subtle movement, but it was enough to bring their mouths together.
She’d gone still against him, her breath catching, but she didn’t pull away. Instead, she kissed him back, the same way he was kissing her—languidly, warily, as if neither of them knew whether this was a good idea.
This wasn’t just a simple kiss. It was complex, the multifaceted sensations of it rolling out through his body like steam, washing away the last of his apprehension. And when everything except the taste of her had slipped away, a new kind of warmth flamed to life within him, one that wasn’t simple lust, but something with more meaning. It flared brighter with each second, until he recognized it would explode out of control with little provocation.
Panting, he pulled back, shifting to embrace her. She rested her head on his chest, exhaling raggedly. He needed a second before he looked at her, otherwise he’d go right back to kissing her like she was his salvation. Now was not the time or place to lose his head.
But the moment had been a revelation. Kissing her had never seriously crossed his mind, so falling into the temptation of it had surprised him. He’d known feelings for her had surfaced a time or two in the last few days, but he’d thought them insubstantial. A product of events and circumstance. Their kiss had revealed the truth—the sentiment went much deeper than he’d expected. He was completely compromised by her.