Chapter Nineteen
Bren took a quick peek into Talia’s room, where she and Neve were fast asleep, snuggled up in Talia’s bed together. She’d debated waking Neve up to tell her where they were going and reassure her they’d be back as soon as they could, but Merrie had said it would probably be better to let her sleep.
She sensed someone moving up behind her in the hallway and quietly pulled the door shut. Somehow, she knew it was Cam before she even turned.
“Nieman is ready. It’s time to go,” he said in a low, quiet voice. “Don’t worry, we’ll be back before Neve even wakes up in the morning. It’ll be like we were never gone.”
Pretty much the same thing she’d told herself, but coming from Cam, it made the words sink in, got her closer to actually believing them. There were so many things that could go wrong tonight—besides Cam or her being killed—they could end up seeing the war that’d devastated this planet for decades spill into the rest of the galaxy.
Yet, the worst tragedy would be if something happened to both of them, leaving poor Neve alone again.
Cam caught her with a hand on each hip. “Whatever is going on in your head, you have to find a way to push it out. You can’t go into this fight thinking about anything other than surviving and winning.”
Usually, she was the one giving the pep talk to her nervous pilots, so she found it ironic to be on the receiving end of one. A smile tugged at her lips. “Don’t feed me the lines, McAllister. I know them all and have used every single one on my squadron a time or two.”
A hint of amusement passed through his expression. “You could have at least pretended like it worked.”
No matter a soldier’s confidence, their ability, their unwavering determination to survive, a stray bullet or round of ammo, an unexpected explosion, any number of things could make all of that insignificant in the blink of an eye.
He pulled her into his chest, and she hugged him closer, focusing on nothing but the solid warmth of him against her. “We can’t change what’s coming. We can only play our part and try to make sure the right people win.”
A few short days ago, that would have been enough. Before Neve, before Cam, she would have had nothing but strategy and battle plans marching in calm order though her mind. But now, she was a churning sea of emotions and uncertainties. She knew what she had to do, but now it seemed so much harder. She had something to lose.
This was why she’d closed herself off after Jordie. Why it’d been easier to keep distance between herself and everyone else. She hadn’t wanted to be in this situation—questioning the risk she was taking in joining this fight.
Part of her wanted to stay back with Neve or do what Cam had suggested—return to the Knox and coordinate the air strike from the decks of the battleship.
But the other half of her was tied to Cam. Besides wanting to be at his side and watch his back when he joined the rebels in what would no doubt be a hard and dirty fight to take the CSS reeducation camp, they’d been through so much together, and she owed him to be there when they took the camp and freed everyone.
She’d never pulled out of a mission before and didn’t plan to start now. No matter her feelings, she’d see it through. And she’d do it without a single uncertain thought or worry about the outcome.
“We should get going.” She pulled back slightly, but didn’t drop her arms from around his waist.
“Yeah, we should. But first—” He glanced over his shoulder and when he looked back down at her, there was a low-banked burn in his eyes that hadn’t been there before.
From that alone, she guessed his intent before he’d closed the distance between them, so she leaned up to meet him halfway.
There was a sureness to the kiss, almost a familiarity, an assurance of mutual feeling, that this new place was where they wanted to be. And after they got through tonight and made it back to their normal lives, things would be changed in a way that excited and terrified her. Kind of like the first hard reentry for a rookie pilot—knowing what was coming, but living it was a totally different, thrilling experience.
God, she wished they could fast-forward. That he was kissing her at the end of an enjoyable night together after eating, chatting, and doing what normal people did. That they didn’t have to rush. Could spend the whole night and not worry about a thing.
They’d be spending the night together, all right. Unfortunately, nothing about the coming hours would be enjoyable.
…
It took just on half an hour for Neiman to fly them as close to the border as he dared get and not attract attention. Bren estimated it’d take a little over two hours for them to hike the rest of the way and find where they’d left the rover to alert their people about what was happening on the ground.
Neiman had to pick up weapons while they were doing that, so they’d have two hours to cool their heels at the rover—where they’d at least be in friendly territory and not at risk of being captured or killed for the first time in days. The pilot would detour to pick them up before joining the rebels getting ready for attack.
Returning to enemy territory this time would be a bigger risk, because she’d be bringing her comm to keep her in contact with the Knox and her fighter pilots in order to coordinate the strike and minimize the human collateral.
It wouldn’t be much of a win if they killed half the prisoners they planned to free with the firepower from the jets. She had to make sure the buildings took the most damage, and if there were casualties, they were the CSS soldiers.
Neiman was one heck of a pilot. She’d taken note of the scans he’d dodged and other ships he’d avoided. And when they arrived, she and Cam had barely jumped off before he was back in the air, skimming away above the trees.
“Might have to offer that guy a spot on the squad,” she said.
“But if everything falls into place and the war ends, your squadron might be out of a job and deployed elsewhere before the month is out.”
Hell. She’d never thought about what she’d do beyond being CAFF. Eventually take a higher position under Yang in some hazy, distant future, but this war had gone on for so long, she’d never actually considered she might see the end of it.
“Yeah, well, so will you and your men.”
He glanced at her with a short smile. “Not necessarily. The repatriation could take years. There will be work for us on the ground for a while to come. If I want to stay. But there will be other postings available in other parts of the galaxy. Just need to decide where I want to spend the next few years.”
So, the Valiant Knox would be redeployed, and Cam would be who-knew-where. It shouldn’t have mattered, but it did. She hadn’t given herself time to think about anything permanent between them, but her stupid heart had gotten ahead of itself and ended up assuming exactly that.
“Sounds boring,” she threw at him as they reached the thin forest and slowed their pace.
“I’m starting to think I’m ready for boring,” he muttered, adjusting his pack.
She could understand. Cam had seen a lot since he’d joined the military. It was amazing he hadn’t burned out.
Neither of them said much after that, their mood subdued. The forest looked different in the dark than it had when they’d hiked in during daylight a few days ago. But Cam seemed to know exactly where he was going, his sense of direction unfailing. For her, she could easily have navigated space, but down here, it was too closed in, too many trees and shrubs that all looked the same.
Cam let her know when they crossed the territory lines, and she could have happily fallen to her knees and kissed the dirt…if they weren’t heading right back in another few hours. Still, a tension drained from her spine, one she hadn’t even realized she was carrying, because at least for now, she wouldn’t have to worry about coming across someone who wanted to kill them.
As soon as Cam got the rover open, he contacted the base while she started re-provisioning their packs with more emergency med-kits. When he was done, he took over packing while she contacted the Knox.
Her comm to the ship took longer as she talked strategy and had information relayed to her, since Commander Yang was already coordinating with Commander Emmanuel, who ran the base. They considered dropping in more troops for backup, but that would have alerted the CSS. The element of surprise was one of the only advantages the rebels had. Apart from the air strike. Of course, many of the pilots could be shot down before they made it to the designated target once the CSS scrambled their own ships.
Cam joined her conversation, hashing out the logistics of their plan with Yang, Emmanuel, and Alpha, who was acting CAFF while she was on the ground.
When it was all done, the others wished them luck before disconnecting.
“It’s not too late to head back up to the Knox and fly the air strike yourself,” Cam said as he powered down the rover.
“I need to see this through.”
She went around the rover and hopped up to sit in the back. They had about an hour before they needed to start hiking to the rendezvous point where Neiman would pick them up. She wanted to double-check the med-kits. Seb and Cam’s men could be the worst off, especially if the CSS discovered they weren’t rebels, but UEF soldiers.
The door at the front of the rover slammed, and Cam appeared, pushing a pack aside so he could sit next to her. “As long as you’re sure.”
She sliced him an annoyed look. “I am. But if you keep asking me that, then maybe I won’t be anymore.”
“Sorry.” He tugged at the straps on the pack, making sure they were secure. “It’s not fair on you, I know. If you were anyone else, I wouldn’t have asked twice. I just can’t separate—”
He broke off with a muttered curse, muscle pulsing in his jaw.
She could guess what the end of that sentence had been, because she was having trouble with it herself. She couldn’t separate her feelings for him from their duty any longer. The two were messily, irrevocably entwined.
And suddenly, she didn’t care. What she felt wasn’t the problem. And her duty wasn’t the problem. Fear was the problem. Fear that she’d lose him, even though they’d just found each other. Fear that neither of them would make it back for Neve. Fear that if things didn’t go well, it could be the beginning of the war spreading to the rest of the galaxy.
Fear of ending up alone, because she’d been alone for too long.
And she was just so damned sick and tired of it. Sick of keeping herself emotionally disconnected. Tired of fighting herself.
So what if she was worried about losing Cam and Neve? It just made her human. And instead of giving her something to lose, they’d given her something to fight for. Something meaningful.
Just like that, it was so stupidly, simply clear.
The future was unknown, and there was nothing she could do about it this second. However, she did get to make a choice about now.
She reached over and took Cam’s hand.
“Cam, I want you to know—”
He closed his free hand on her shoulder, over her collarbone, thumb on the exposed skin of her neck above the collar of her shirt. “Dammit, Bren, this better not be one of those if I don’t make it speeches.”
“No, it’s not that at all.” So serious. It was just one of the many things she’d come to admire about him. “This is me telling you that no matter what happens, I’m glad that we came together. Maybe not under the best of circumstances, but even though it’d been nearly ten years since Jordie died, it was like I wasn’t fully here, you know? Like I was going through the motions. You made me remember what life is all about.”
“Oh, so I helped you find the meaning of life, huh?” He smiled at her, but the expression didn’t quite reach his eyes.
She leaned closer to him. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure I found it somewhere between when you took my clothes off and when I ended up on top of you.”
He took in a quick breath, and she loved the idea that she could affect him with words alone.
“Clearly, I should have gotten my head out of my ass and found you a lot sooner.” His grip tightened on her a fraction, barely enough that she wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t been so highly attuned to everywhere he was touching her.
“Think of all the fun we could have had together.” Oh yeah. She was imaging all kinds of fun, leaving her satisfied in a way she’d never been before, physically and emotionally.
Her body was humming. An acute longing rushed through her like a flash of lightning. She wanted, needed to feel all of him against her, the sensations feeding her soul and filling her heart.
Shifting closer to him, her leg crossed his thighs, leaving her settling in his lap, her hands smoothing over his shoulders.
“Bren—”
“Dammit, Cam. This better not be one of those wrong place, wrong time speeches,” she said, using his words against him.
He closed a hand into her curls. “I’m never going to get the upper hand in this relationship, am I?”
“No, but I can let you think you do, if you want.” She couldn’t help the impertinent grin crossing her face.
“What the hell am I getting myself into?”
“It’s way too late to ask that now.” She pressed into him, her lips finding his unerringly.
Cam clenched her to him, flipping them around and setting her down on the rubber-tread floor in the back of the rover. She grabbed a fistful of his shirt, barely resisting the urge to rip his clothes off. They had an hour to kill, and no one was coming. No immediate need to rush, to be anywhere else.
More than anything, she wanted time to slow down, to live in this moment forever, where there were no complications, no duty, no others relying on them to come through. Just him and her, and a few clothes standing in the way of finding utter bliss.