Chapter Fifteen
Bren was the one who could no longer breathe. With her cheek pressed against Cam’s chest, she could hear his heart pounding almost in time with her own. She couldn’t open her eyes to look at him because standing in his arms felt like coming home.
She hadn’t even realized how the entrenched loneliness and isolation had become her constant state of being until his lips had touched hers. It was like her foundations had been steadily crumbling beneath her for years, and she hadn’t noticed.
Everything that stood on those foundations was set to come tumbling down. So, all she could do was stand there and let him hold her.
It was almost funny that a few minutes ago he’d been the one in crisis, with her comforting him. Maybe he didn’t realize it, but the solid, soothing feel of him against her was the only thing keeping her from going to pieces. All from what should have been a simple kiss.
But there’d been nothing simple in the way Cam had kissed her. It hadn’t been an explosion of empty passion, but deeper, more profound. Something that had rocked those unstable foundations of hers, leaving her undone and exposed.
She’d needed to draw on his infallible strength, take some of it for herself, to shore up those foundations.
Cam shifted, kissing her temple and running his hands up and down her back in a reassuring manner. “We really should get some rest. It’s going to be another long hard day tomorrow.”
A day she didn’t want to face. She could barely process the thought that something might have happened to Seb.
How could she go back to the Valiant Knox without him? Worse, how would she face Alpha and Jenna, bringing them the terrible news that their best friend and loved one had died?
A sickening shudder tumbled through her, and Cam looked down at her. He smoothed one of the curls that had escaped her bun.
“Are you okay?” There was nothing but tender concern in his gaze.
“Just the thought…” She couldn’t even put it into words, her brain in full denial mode.
“We can’t think like that. For all we know, they’re fine and we’re worrying for nothing.”
She was letting fear get the better of her. Seb and Cam’s men were experienced, well-trained soldiers. There was every chance they’d seen trouble coming and evaded the contingent of soldiers before they’d attacked the village.
“You’re right. There’s nothing we can do about any of it until tomorrow.”
Cam sent her a half smile, as if approving of her soldier-on routine, even if it rang a little hollow.
He slid his arms from around her but kept one hand on her hip. Maybe it should have been weird, but she wasn’t ready to let go of him yet, and she liked the idea that maybe he was feeling the same way.
They strolled back to where Neve was sleeping, the small fire gradually dying down. It wasn’t until Cam got out his own bedroll that she realized their dilemma. One bedroll left between them, and the night was already chilly. If one of them had to go without, she couldn’t imagine that person would get very much sleep in the cold, damp night air. She supposed she could climb in with Neve, but after watching the little girl toss and turn last night, she didn’t think that would result in many hours worth of sleep, either.
Cam, however, apparently wasn’t struggling with it being an issue. He laid the bedroll out on the opposite side of the fire to Neve and then looked up at her.
“It’ll be cozy, but I know from experience the bedrolls can fit two.” He crouched down and unfastened it, flicking the corner open.
“From experience, huh?” She arched an eyebrow at him. “Who exactly have you been sharing a bedroll with, Colonel?”
“For the record, it was a life or death situation. Harlow and I swore we’d never talk about it again, even under the threat of torture.”
She couldn’t tell if he was serious or not, but the joking around helped take the edge off her worry about whether or not it was a good idea to climb into that confined space with him.
Cam slid in and lay down, looking warmer right away, which left a deep shiver tracking down her spine, making her feel colder.
“Of course, if you’d rather stay out there and be cold…” He folded his hands behind his head and closed his eyes.
There didn’t need to be anything inappropriate about spending the night plastered up against the commanding officer of the mission—he’d just said himself a moment ago he’d done it before. But their kiss had changed the dynamic between them. And even though bunking together was the sensible thing to do, with the kiss and her raw emotions so fresh in her mind, sensible didn’t come into the equation where her body was concerned.
Still, Cam had called her on it, about staying out and being cold, so refusing would make her look ridiculous and tell him she was having trouble separating logic from sentiment.
Trying to appear nonchalant—though why she was doing that when he had his eyes closed was a complete mystery—she slipped into the bedroll beside him. Right away, warmth engulfed her, most of it radiating off Cam’s body.
She debated the most impersonal way to do it and decided to go with facing away from him. Maneuvering to lay on her left side, she made herself get comfortable quickly, not wanting him to think she was fidgeting.
Once she was settled, the silence seemed to become louder, apart from the chirping of a few insects. With warmth seeping into her cold muscles, sleepiness swamped her fast.
“That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” The low murmured words washed over her, leaving her fighting a smile, despite herself. All of a sudden, everything he said and did seemed way too charming for her peace of mind.
“I’m reserving judgment,” she replied. “For all I know, you’re a bed hog and I’ll be fighting for my share of what little room there is all night.”
“There’s one way of solving the tight space dilemma.”
Before she could ask what kind of plan he had in mind, he shifted, rolling toward her so that his chest was against her back.
“How does this solve anything?” she muttered, the feel of him against her from shoulder blades down to her thighs making her heart thud.
For the sake of professionalism, she really should be arguing against this. She’d bet her last dollar that if his story about sharing a bedroll with Harlow was true, they hadn’t ended up spooning. But his warmth was cocooning her, and his muscles pressed against her back—even through all the layers of clothes— gratified in a way she’d never expected to find with Cameron McAllister, of all people.
“Now we’re taking up the same space, so there’s no need for a tug of war.” His words brushed over her ear, close and intimate. She wanted to press back into him, wanted to turn into him and find his mouth with hers, the thoughts making her blood run hot. Things she shouldn’t be feeling now, when their situation was so precarious and they didn’t know what had happened to the rest of their team.
“I’m afraid your logic is questionable, sir,” she said as an attempt to put some distance between them, even if it wasn’t physical.
“If it is, then it’s entirely your fault. You and all those distracting blond curls,” he said, slow and quiet, like he was already half asleep, leaving her wondering if he realized exactly what had come out of his mouth.
The safest thing she could do for her own sanity was close her eyes, try to get some sleep, and shut away the light fluttering in her stomach.
…
Waking up was far from simple. As Bren roused from the deepest sleep she’d had in about a week, because her ear and cheek were cold, she rolled, instinctively seeking the warmth behind her.
It wasn’t until she’d ducked her head against his chest to soak up even more heat that she remembered who he was and where they were.
Cam’s arms closed around her, securing her more tightly against him. A peek up revealed he was still asleep and had no idea their spooning had turned into full cuddling.
Dawn was just lighting the sky, the sun not quite appearing over the distant horizon. The air outside the bedroll was biting; easily the coldest night they’d experienced since hiking behind enemy lines.
She didn’t want to go out and face this day—not with the freezing cold and definitely not with the grim prospects of what they’d find in the burned village.
Except, she was fully awake. Her damned sense of duty wouldn’t let her ignore the world, wouldn’t allow her to enjoy the warmth and lingering gratification of a good night’s sleep.
She started to shift back, but Cam’s hand clamped onto her hip, causing her to freeze.
“It’s not dawn yet, and I don’t want to wake Neve any earlier than we have to,” he murmured quietly.
Bren was all set to argue, but if she started searching for breakfast MREs and moving around their makeshift campsite, it could end up rousing the little girl. They’d had a long day walking yesterday, and she’d definitely been exhausted by the time they’d stopped here. Today would only bring more hardship, as Neve would have to face the likelihood her mother was dead. So, sure, she could understand why Cam didn’t want to risk waking her yet.
She relaxed, but couldn’t release the tension from her body so easily.
“Would you quit it with the log impersonation?” he muttered, sounding mildly annoyed. “You’re much more pliable when you’re sleeping.”
Heat bloomed in her cheeks for about the first time in a decade. Damn it all. The man had actually made her blush. She didn’t know if she should be insulted or find him amusing. Obviously, he hadn’t been asleep when she’d turned into him.
“Sorry, I don’t remember them covering snuggling with a commanding officer in pre-mil training.”
“Really?” he returned, a warm note of amusement in his voice. “That’s a rather large oversight. When we get back to the base, I’ll have to give you some private lessons.”
God, was he actually flirting with her? Serious, sexy flirting that was making that flutter in her stomach return with a vengeance.
She had no reply for him. This was totally new territory, and she had no idea how she wanted to respond. Of course, a large, newly awakened part of herself wanted to take his lead on the offer of private lessons and everything that entailed when they got back from this mission.
But her long ingrained wariness left her unsure which way to turn.
Instead, she tried to relax a little in his hold, counting the silently passing minutes as the sun slowly appeared.
“About what happened last night,” Cam said, leaving her brain scrambling to work out what he was talking about. Did he mean the kiss?
Apprehension clamped on to her, surprisingly strong. Was he about to tell her he regretted the kiss? Which made no sense, considering the whole snuggling thing—
“That’s never happened to me before.”
Oh, he had to be talking about the panic attack. “I won’t tell anyone, if that’s your worry.”
“No, it’s not that.” He shifted so he could look down at her. “I had no idea what was happening, but you knew right away. And you knew how to help me.”
There was definitely an unspoken question in that statement.
How had she recognized what was happening to him, and how had she known the right way to help him?
She could have brushed it off, come up with some vague answer that would satisfy his curiosity without really telling him anything of value.
But she didn’t want to do that. The desire to open up to him was foreign, but not entirely unwelcome. For so many years, she’d held large parts of herself hidden, kept so many things completely private, no matter how close she’d become to people like Alpha and Seb. It had seemed easier and definitely safer.
She wondered what it would be like to share a little more of herself. Wanted to know how it would feel to have someone know her almost better than she knew herself. Another person who had her back without question in a way no one else had since her brother had died.
Seeing Alpha find Mia, and then Seb find Jenna, she couldn’t deny it’d left her curious to experience the kind of connection they shared.
She’d never had another person whom she could unfailingly rely on. Maybe Cam wouldn’t ever be that. But if she didn’t open herself up at some point, she’d end up more alone than she already was.
“I used to have them.” The words came out slow and measured, as though she still wasn’t sure this was a good idea but was plunging headlong anyway. “Panic attacks, I mean.”
Cam didn’t look the least bit surprised. No doubt he’d put the pieces together in his head. The man certainly hadn’t made the rank of colonel on brawn alone.
“They weren’t ever as bad as the one you had last night. I was actually pretty good at covering them up so no one knew. But I would get that tight feeling in my ribs, then a pain in the middle of my chest that’d shoot down my left arm. The first time, I actually thought I was having a heart attack at the ripe old age of twenty-four.”
“What set them off?” Cam asked in a gentle tone, concern in his gaze, which made the words easier to speak.
“I’m still not really sure. They seemed entirely random. But it was after Jordie’s death, so I’m assuming it was probably anytime something subconsciously reminded me of him.”
This was the first time she’d ever spoken straight out about her brother dying. She’d thought for years that she’d never see the day where she could mention it at all, let alone without the strangling need to cry taking over.
However, not only was she able to talk about losing Jordie, she was doing so with the man she’d blamed it on for the better part of a decade.
One day, she was going to have to ask Cam what had happened, because if anything was going to come out of this—and a spark of hope that it would light within her—she needed everything out in the open to move past it. Maybe try to come to a better understanding of why things had ended the way they had.
“Thank you for being honest with me.” Cam smoothed a few strands of hair from her forehead, leaving her heart skipping. “I know it’s not easy. We’re all trained to keep marching and never show weakness. But sometimes, being able to speak up shows a strength few possess.”
The simple words speared her, piercing all the way to her soul, speaking to her on a level she didn’t understand, but had apparently been desperate to be given.
Cameron McAllister was a good man, down to his very core being. She doubted there were many men in the universe like him with a steely resolve, a reservoir of honor, and the capacity to care deeply about everything and everyone around him.
“Cam, I’m sorry.” The apology came out before she realized her intentions. “I’ve been angry with you for so many years.”
His brow creased with puzzlement. “You were?”
“I’m not proud of it. I misjudged you, and it wasn’t fair on either of us.”
A half smile tugged up one corner of his lips. “You weren’t the only one. I misjudged you, too. You’ve more than proven yourself. But, you shouldn’t have had to.”
She released a pent-up breath. For the first time since Jordie’s death, she was ready to put all of it behind her. Keeping his memory by holding on to her apathy didn’t help anyone.
Maybe her newly developed feelings for Cam colored her awareness, maybe lying here in the cocoon of the bedroll, with his arms around her skewed her perceptions, and later on, she’d wonder what she’d been thinking. But she wanted to move forward with her life. Wanted a different future than the one she’d built. Perhaps it was crazy, but with Cam, she could see a different path for herself. One that was brighter, fuller, and definitely not lonely.