Chapter Twenty-Nine
Bren paused on the stoop of the modest house, smoothing down her hair, and then calling herself ten kinds of idiot. She’d cleaned off the blood, had all the scans Ace had ordered, and then sat through the cut being laser-repaired, leaving a pink scar, and the machine that healed internal bruising to take the swelling down in her shoulder and reduce the severity of her concussion.
She was as healed as modern medicine could make her and didn’t look too worse for wear. Maybe a little tired. But Neve wasn’t going to care about that. Just as she went to take the last step up to the door, male voices reached her, and she turned around to see Cam and Halden approaching the house.
She probably shouldn’t have been surprised to find Cam returning for Neve. He’d promised the little girl exactly that, after all. Like her, he’d changed into clean clothes, had his injuries taken care of, leaving him looking in almost perfect health.
When he saw her standing there, his blue gaze meeting hers made her heart crash into her ribs.
“Bren!” Halden came up the steps and took her hand. The energy rolling off him was tired, but excited. “Thank you for everything you did. You and your fighter pilot squadron. I can’t believe I get to come home today and tell my daughter we’re free. I’ve been dreaming about this since the day I found out Merrie was pregnant.”
He pulled her into a tight hug. She returned the embrace, laughing at his enthusiasm.
“You’re welcome. It’s definitely been a long time coming.”
Halden stepped back again. “Neve will be excited to see you.”
“And I can’t wait to see her.”
Halden nodded and then glanced at Cam, who’d hung back.
“Well, come in when you’re ready.” He disappeared inside, leaving her alone with Cam.
Great, just what she wanted. Another awkward conversation with him. At least this time they didn’t have an audience. Ace might have gone back to the ATV after fixing her shoulder, but she was sure he’d been listening to every word they’d exchanged.
She was glad Cam had apologized—that they’d apologized to each other—and had started to put the ghost of Jordie behind them. But it didn’t solve what was or wasn’t between them.
And it seemed pretty damn likely there wasn’t anything between them. Cam hadn’t said a word about their relationship. Not that they’d had one. Hooking up under stressful circumstances didn’t exactly make for happily ever after. Besides, she had decisions to make about her future, and she couldn’t base them off feelings that had sprung up in the space of a week and might not even last.
“You were planning on taking Neve back up to the Valiant Knox?” Cam shoved his hands into his pockets and slowly walked over to the step.
“Not sure, actually. A battleship probably isn’t the place for a kid. I’ve secured a couple of bunks for us on base for the time being.”
Surprise flitted across his face. “So you’ll be around?”
“For now. Until I decide whether to leave with the Knox.” She was definitely hedging with that answer. “You can see her whenever you want until then.”
Cam dragged a hand through his hair and then stepped up so he was right in front of her.
“Bren, I know there’s a lot we’re not saying here, and I don’t want you to think I’m avoiding it on purpose. I care about you, but everything is in transition, I don’t know what I’ll be doing next week—”
She placed a hand on his cheek. More than his words, she could see it in his eyes, which were suddenly so open and vulnerable. He was struggling with exactly the same thing she was. The worst thing a person could face: the unknown. She could have smiled at the fact that once again, he’d proven how similar and practical they both were.
“You don’t have to explain, Cam. I know.”
He let out a pent-up breath and leaned forward to set his forehead against hers. “I’m going to hate it when you leave. Or when I leave. Maybe once we’re both settled, if we don’t end up posted too far apart, we can catch up.”
“I’d love that.” The words were positive, but her tone was hollow. Because the chances of them ending up posted close enough to see each other regularly was miniscule. This was going to be their good-bye.
But she wasn’t going to say it. No way. Instead, she closed the distance between them, gratified when he met her halfway and their mouths fused together. Easily, naturally. Like it was meant to be.
Cam wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer, the kiss getting deeper. But it wasn’t desperate or despairing, even though this could be the last time they ever saw each other. It was intense, though; intense enough to make her toes curl. To make her wish they had more time. That there was a bed and a lot of long, lazy naked hours in their immediate future.
And that wish only made things harder, which was why she broke the kiss, resisting when he tried to pull her closer again.
She forced herself to step back, well out of his reach. When he stared at her, the thwarted desire in his gaze was obvious. And he had that now-familiar stubborn look on his face, like he was going to dig his heels in. But what good would that do? Would he decide their feelings were worth him dropping everything to follow after her? Or ask her to follow him wherever he went next?
Her heart skipped, because more than anything, she wanted one of those scenarios to unfold. But it was ridiculous. The complete opposite to sensible or logical. What if a few months from now they realized the mistake they’d made?
They’d had a fling. It wasn’t a sturdy enough foundation to base a relationship from. Wasn’t a good enough reason to make some insane decision to completely change the course of her life. She’d always been a soldier; she didn’t know how to be anything else. Her commission was her life, and making room for Neve was going to be a big enough concession by itself.
It was no secret Cam hated being in space on the Knox, and by the same token, she hated the idea of being stuck on the ground with no prospects of flying. If one of them made the sacrifice to follow the other somewhere, they’d likely end up unhappy, dooming the relationship before it started. Better not to drag themselves through the emotional turmoil when she could already see it would never work.
He caught her hand, and she knew he was getting ready to make some huge declaration, causing her heart to pound crazily, because she didn’t know what her answer would be, despite knowing it could never happen.
She wanted to think she’d follow her logic and refuse whatever he offered, but her emotions would get the better of her and she’d possibly agree, despite her reservations.
Cam tugged her closer again. “Bren—”
He’d barely gotten her name out before the door to Halden’s house slammed open, accompanied by an excited squeal.
Neve had barreled into them before Bren even had time to pull out of Cam’s hold.
“You came back!” Neve had one small arm wrapped around each of them.
Cam gave a short laugh, before bending down to pick her up.
“That’s what we told you, wasn’t it?”
“Halden said the war had finished. That we can do whatever we want now.”
The fact that this child even understood what war was made her chest tighten. Bren wanted to give her back that sense of security and love. She’d never be able to replace Neve’s parents, but at least she could make sure the little girl never lived another day in fear or uncertainty.
The way Cam held Neve in his arms, expression relaxed and tender, a slight smile on his lips as he stared at the little girl, made her heart spasm.
Dammit. She wanted this family, exactly like this.
She’d thought she hadn’t let herself fall too deeply for him. Had thought she’d be okay when he left, that it was going to be sad, and yes, she wished things could be different. But she’d assumed she’d handle it like she always handled everything and eventually get over it.
Instead, a crack had weakened her heart. And she could tell it was already well on the way to breaking.