Derek

Erin’s looking at me across the chessboard, her brow furrowed in that way that tells me she’s thinking about something.

“What?” I ask her.

“You’re starting to look like Tom Hanks in Castaway.”

A note of amused laughter comes from my chest. “Most days I feel like him, too.”

“Does the beard feel scratchy?”

“Nope. I kinda like it. One of my retirement dreams is to grow a mountain man beard and go on long hunting trips all over the world.”

She gives me a skeptical look. “You mean a goal.”

“I do?”

“Dreams are for people who don’t know if they’ll have the means to do what they want. But there’s no reason why you can’t do what you want.”

I concede the point. “That’s mostly true. But you never know. I could be taking care of my dad in his old age by then.”

“Or raising your brood of eleven children.” She arches a brow.

“Eleven, huh?” I cringe.

“Yeah. If you marry a twentysomething when you’re in your fifties, she’ll want to have a bunch of kids. You’ll still be changing diapers when you die of old age.”

I give her a bemused look. “So many assumptions in there.”

“I’m trapped in a doomsday bunker,” she says with a shrug. “Assuming is my pastime.”

“In that case,” I say, moving my knight, “we can assume that you could end up with a brood of eleven yourself.”

She shakes her head emphatically. “That’ll never happen.”

“You never know.”

She tentatively moves her rook, and I immediately capture it. “Checkmate.”

“Damn it,” she says under her breath.

“Play again?” I ask.

She glares at me. “Because 67-0 isn’t good enough for you?”

“We can play checkers.”

“Ugh, no. Fine, I’ll play you again.”

We’ve been down here for more than a month now. Somewhere between five and six weeks. I still think about football a lot, but it seems so far away now, like memories from another life.

I’ve found that acceptance is the key to staying mentally strong down here. Getting down over things I can’t control accomplishes nothing and stresses me out.

Having a routine helps. We all take turns sitting with Matias during the day, and when it’s not my turn, I work out, clean, read books, and spend time with Erin.

Being with her is my favorite way to pass the time down here. I don’t know exactly what it is I feel for her. I try to put my finger on it, but I never can.

Even though I’m very attracted to her, I don’t feel an urge to fuck her brains out, like I have with other women. I love talking to her because she challenges me. And the more I find out about her, the more I want to know. I fucking live for the occasional touch that passes between us—her palm on my back, me brushing a lock of hair away from her face as we’re walking.

When I fuck a woman, that’s it. It’s over. And I don’t want things to be over with Erin.

We’ve just gotten the board set up when Kenna walks out of the bunk room to the dining table. It’s her turn to sit with Matias.

“He’s asking for his water,” she tells me.

I look down at my watch. “It’s not time. He’s gotta wait forty more minutes.”

She rolls her eyes. “I told him you’d bring it in when it’s time, but he wanted me to come ask you anyway.”

I hear a soft, sympathetic hum from Erin.

“I’ll go talk to him,” she says, getting up.

“I’ll fill in for you.” Kenna slides into Erin’s chair and smiles at me.

I sigh heavily and sit back in my seat. We all agreed it was best for one person to be in charge of Matias’s water rationing, and that I was the best choice because I don’t feel bad saying no when Matias is crazy thirsty. Too much water could kill him right now. But Erin hates to see him wanting for something that would be so easy to give him.

“You don’t even know how to play chess,” I say to Kenna.

“So, teach me.” The suggestive note in her tone makes me cringe inwardly.

“I’m gonna go see if I can help with Matias,” I say.

“How much help could she need? He’s fine. I mean, he’s not gonna die in the next hour or anything.”

“Jesus, Kenna,” I say sharply. “Keep your fucking voice down.”

She rolls her eyes again and gets up from the table in a huff. As long as she goes away, I don’t give a shit if she’s mad.

I go into the bathroom, find a washcloth, and wet it. When I walk into the bunk room with it, Erin is standing over Matias, brushing the hair back from his forehead. Even though I know Matias is sick and she thinks of him as a brother, I feel a momentary stab of jealousy over seeing her touch him so tenderly.

“Water?” Matias eyes me hopefully.

“Not yet, man.”

He closes his eyes. “Maybe I should just chug a gallon of water and get it over with.”

“Stop talking like that.” Erin lowers her brows.

“I’ve got no shot at making it out of here,” he croaks. “It’s just a matter of waiting for my organs to fail.”

A few seconds of sad silence pass. Erin looks at me, her eyes pleading with me to say something. Anything.

“Let’s try this,” I say, walking to Matias’s bedside. “I’m gonna squeeze a few drops of water into your mouth and then wet your lips.”

He nods slightly. “Okay.”

His lips and tongue look parched. It’s so hard to find that line between enough water to keep him alive and too much for his body to process without taxing his kidneys. I use the washcloth to give him just a bit of water, and his body seems to relax a little.

“I’m so tired,” he whispers.

Erin leans her upper arm against mine, and I instinctively put my arm around her shoulder. She softens against me.

“Just rest,” I tell Matias.

He looks up at me, his dark brown eyes swimming with emotion. “I need to talk to you guys about something while I still have the energy to do it.”

“What is it?” I ask.

He looks at Erin before he starts talking. “I know this isn’t something any of us want to talk about, but…I need to. Is there anything in this place that can help me die faster if it comes to that?”

“Matias, no,” she says in a rush. “You can’t think like that.”

The corners of his lips tug upward. “You’re my biggest cheerleader, and that means a lot. But I have to. I don’t want to suffer.” He turns to look at me. “Will you help me?”

My blood runs cold as I consider his question. I know he’s going to die, but I never considered having to kill him to ease his suffering. And there’s no question—I’m the only one down here who could do it.

“You’re not there yet,” I say. “Not even close.”

“I know. But when I am.”

Erin buries her face against my chest. I wrap my other arm around her and put a hand in her hair, holding her close.

“Hey,” I say softly. “Why don’t you go take a breather? I’ve got this.”

She nods and sniffles. I know she doesn’t want Matias to see her break down, but I also know she can’t be here for this conversation without breaking down.

When she closes the door behind her, I pull up a chair beside Matias’s bed and sit down.

“Yeah, I’ve got stuff in here that I can use if the time comes.”

He lets out a soft exhale. “Poison?”

I lean my elbows on my knees and meet his gaze. “Guns.”

“Oh.” He considers for a second, tears welling in his eyes. “Damn, I’m relieved to hear you say that. I was so afraid…” His voice is shaking so hard, he stops talking.

“Listen, man.” I reach out and cover his hand with mine. “We can’t even consider that unless things get really, really bad. If that happens, I won’t let you suffer. But I’m not gonna do it just because you ask me to. If I do it, I need to be at peace with it too. I need to know…”

“I get it.” He reaches up to wipe away a tear. “And I’m glad you’re the one who…you know.” He chuckles softly. “Man, that’d be an epic ending to a story I’d never get to tell. That time Derek Heaton shot me in his doomsday bunker.”

I hang my head, not able to laugh at the joke. “We’re gonna hope for the best, okay?”

“Yeah.” His eyes drift closed. “I think I’ll sleep till my next water. Don’t forget.”

“I won’t. I’ll even put an ice cube in it.”

“Fuck yeah,” he mumbles.

I leave the room, pulling the door closed behind me. Erin is leaning against a counter in the kitchen. She sees me and starts walking toward me. I walk her way at the same time, and as we get closer, I can see the tears staining her cheeks. When we meet, I put my arms around her in a fierce embrace.

“This is so hard,” she says so softly I barely hear her, my chest muffling her words.

“It’s gonna be okay,” I tell her.

“I don’t know how to do this.”

“One day at a time. You’re not alone in this.”

I keep holding her close, my arms locked around her. One of her palms rubs gently across my back. I don’t want this moment to end. Even though it’s intense and sad, my chest feels achy and full in a way that’s not bad.

Erin needed comfort, and she wanted it from me. Never mind that her choices are limited, she came to me. It’s my arms around her right now.

Kenna walks past us with a scoff. “Ugh, get a room.”

Erin pulls back and brushes her palms over her cheeks to dry them. “I’m okay.”

“Well, I’m not,” I admit in a low tone.

She takes my hand and squeezes it. “Thank you, Derek. I’m sorry I couldn’t—”

“It’s okay.” I squeeze her hand back. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanted you to know…it’s hard for me too.”

She nods and releases my hand, and I immediately miss the warmth of her.

“Back to chess?” she asks.

“Yeah. Want me to make some popcorn?”

She smiles and says yes, and we settle back into our daily routine. Things are a little softer now, though—and a lot more sober. Erin’s not up for bantering.

And that’s okay, because I’m really not either. After that heavy conversation with Matias, I just want to be alone with my thoughts. It feels good to be close to Erin, though.

That’s a new thing I need to spend some time thinking about too. I’ve never wanted to be with a woman like this. Close, but not fucking.

Maybe it’s because we’re trapped down here. What else could it be?

Whatever the reason, I need to be near Erin. And I can’t help wondering if she might be feeling the same way about me.

I fucking hope so.