I’m tearing down the gravel road as fast as I can, away from Brody. I can’t believe he would actually spy on Zac. And when the hell did I become some fucking prize? Never that’s when. I’m not some trophy to be won. He wants to say he loves me and then pulls this shit…anyone that loves somebody, doesn’t act like that. When Brody handed me the folder, told me to look it over, and find out who Zac really was, my fury built and grew, and I blew up, feeling betrayed. I’m not a violent person, but Brody pushed me to the point of slapping him. I can’t believe I really hit him. I’ll probably feel really bad about it later, but right now the only thing running through my mind is that he deserved it.
I arrive back at the house and throw the Jeep into park. Snatching the folder out of the passenger seat, I jump out and sprint up the stairs to find my sisters. My blood is still boiling, but I know I need to calm down some before I open this folder. I wanted this, wanted to know what Zac had been hiding, what tormented him, but I didn’t want it like this.
“Callie! Cydney!” I scream as loud as I can. Deep breaths, inhale and exhale. I’m shaking as they come rushing down the stairs. My heart’s speeding like a racehorse galloping toward the finish line. It feels like it’s going to damn near pound its way out of my chest.
They quickly stride over to me with wide concerned stares. “What is it?”
“Brody!” I huff in aggravation, “He’s what happened. Brody, he...GAH!” I can’t even get the words to come out as I suck in a deep breath of air. I hold the folder out in front of me.
Cydney guides me to the couch, and all three of us sit. “Shit! What’d he do?” She questions with worry. I throw the folder down onto the coffee table.
Taking one more deep breath and shaking out my hands to try and control the trembling, I begin to tell them, “Brody did a background check on Zac. He told me a bunch of shit and said it’s all in that folder.” I sneer at the folder like it’s my worst enemy. “He said I needed to look it over because Zac has us all fooled. We got into a huge argument, I slapped him, and then I left.”
“You slapped him?” Cydney inquires, shock lacing her tone.
I simply nod.
“Why’s it matter to him?” Callie asks.
Shaking my head in disbelief, I poke myself in the chest repeatedly. “Me, Callie. Because of me. All this time I thought we were friends. He told me he loved me.” The first sob rips from my chest. “I wasn’t anything but a prize. All he wanted was to win. He’s so fucking selfish, he didn’t even consider anyone’s feelings but his own.”
“Cayden! Okay…okay, let’s slow down for a minute.” Cydney lays her hand on my back, comforting me as her hand moves in a smooth up and down pattern.
I lean back on the couch and breathe in deeply. “Maybe I was a bitch for keeping Brody around and not letting him know how I truly felt, but I didn’t want to lose our friendship. I didn’t think he would stoop to this level though.” I angrily wipe away the tears that have begun trailing down my cheeks.
Callie reaches for the folder on the table. “Are you gonna open it?”
My head swings in her direction, curiosity gleams in her eyes. “Of course I am, but I needed to calm down first. I also need you two here with me because my gut is telling me that whatever’s in that folder is bad.” I know what Brody was saying, however, I even if I ignore him, I still have this gut feeling. All of the answers I have been waiting for, needing, are right in front of me. A part of me is hesitant because I feel like I’m invading Zac’s privacy. I wanted him to trust me enough to open up, trust me enough to tell me what he has been hiding. I wanted him to tell me about his past, not have it come from Brody.
“We’re not goin’ anywhere,” Cydney declares.
I slide to the front of the couch. Picking up the folder, I glance at my sisters, and they both nod. With my brows furrowed and my teeth sunk into my bottom lip, I flip the folder open and start with the first document.
The first piece of paper states that Zac Benson is from Aurora, Colorado. I can handle that he’s not from here because we all come from different places. But why did he lie about where he was from? I flip the paper over, and the next items are pictures of a younger Zac standing with his arm around a beautiful brown-haired girl. In some of the pictures, she’s in a cheerleading uniform while he’s in his baseball gear as they hug. In others, they’re kissing, but in all of them, they’re smiling. They were so happy. I can see it in the way their eyes shine for each other, the way they gaze at one another, and the way he holds her so protectively…preciously. My heart sinks with longing. I wished he had that with me.
One page at a time, I keep flipping them over, taking it all in. There’s a page with names and phone numbers, all with the same area code. I assume they’re from Colorado. The next page is a newspaper article saying there was a two-vehicle accident. It left four people dead, and one was later life-flighted to a different hospital with their condition unknown. I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to hold in a gasp. “Maddie,” I whisper. No names were mentioned, but it’s gotta be her. Thinking back to the times he said her name, who else could it be? When he was dreaming, he was dreaming about her. Hell, when I sang that song to Raine, it was like he had been transported to a different time. He didn’t see me because he was seeing her.
“Who’s Maddie?” My sisters ask in unison.
Looking up from the folder, my gaze drifts between them, and I see their bewildered expressions. “I think she’s Zac’s high school sweetheart. He’s never told me about her, but he’s accidentally said her name a couple of times. When I questioned him, he shut me down immediately…or he would run away.” If this is true, she is either dead or is the one life-flighted. My heart begins to ache for Zac. God, what he must have experienced. You can tell from the pictures how much he loved her, and I can’t even imagine…
My nose begins to sting as tears begin to pool in my eyes. My sisters stay quiet.
Sighing, I turn the article over and come to the last item: an email from someone named Tracy.
Brody,
I wish I could say thank you for contacting me, but that’s just not the case. That night changed the town of Aurora forever, and it’s not something we want to dredge up. So many young lives were lost that night, and they never even had the chance to experience the real world.
I was only a Freshman in high school when they graduated, so I wasn’t there at the party, but rumors around town are that Zac never went to the hospital and that there wasn’t any trace of him after that night.
Like I said they’re rumors and I wasn’t there, but I remember Zac and Maddie. They were the “it” couple and everybody wanted to be them. So, why would he vanish like that?
Please don’t contact me again,
Tracy
She confirmed what I suspected, Maddie was his high school sweetheart, but it doesn’t make sense as to why he would vanish.
“What the fuck? That doesn’t even sound like Zac,” Cydney blurts the same thing I’m thinking.
The front door opens, and the three of us to jump in surprise. We are too transfixed on this damn folder and the shit that’s in it, that we hadn’t been expecting their return.
I quickly shut the folder as Dex and Maverick enter with a guffawing Zac following close behind. All laughter stops when they see us. The three of them can tell something is going on, but no one is saying anything. My eyes connect with Zac’s, neither of us uttering a word.
They slowly walk closer to us in the living room. The three of us stand up from the couch and step around the coffee table. My hand begins to shake again with the folder held firmly in my grasp.
“Umm…can somebody tell me why we’re all standing here like we’re about to have a showdown or some shit?” Mav asks, dragging his stare to each one of us.
There’s complete silence. My glinting eyes are locked with Zac’s.
“Cayden?” Zac questions.
“Tell me this shit isn’t true.” My pulse pounds in my ears and my heart is racing. I already know it’s him, but I don’t want it to be true…don’t want to believe that he just left her like that. If he could ever love me, would he do the same to me? Would he run if something terrible happened to me?
“Who are you talking to, Cayden?” Maverick asks, confused.
I hold the folder out to him. “Zac, is this what you’ve been hiding?” My voice wobbles.
He takes the folder from my hand with a heavy sigh. He opens it and skims over the contents of each page, every picture. When he lifts his head, there are tears shining in his eyes, but he blinks, trying to hold them back. His eyes lock with mine once more. “I guess it’s all there. Isn’t it?” He states with a defensive demeanor. He stands straight and tense, but the sadness in his eyes tells me I’m missing something. “Where’d you get this, Cayden?” Zac’s tone is accusatory.
Dex walks over and extends his hand to Zac. “Let me have the folder,” he demands.
“Dex,” Zac growls in warning, “This is between me and Cayden.”
Our eyes remain glued to one another. “He’s right. This is between us, so can y’all leave us alone?”
“Are you sure?” Callie asks quietly.
I give her a nod and wait until I know everyone is out of the room. “There’s got to be more to this than that, Zac. Please tell me there’s more.” Tears pool in my eyes as he continues to remain quiet. I reach for his hand, but he jerks it away as soon as I touch him.
He throws the folder down between our feet. His voice deepens with anger, “It’s all right there in black and white, so why would there be more? This is what you wanted, right? You just couldn’t let it go.”
Shaking my head, I retort, “I didn’t do this.” My fury begins to rise within me. He thinks I’m the one that went looking into his past.
Zac crosses his arms over his chest. “You should have stopped. Why couldn’t you just let it go?” His chin drops to his chest.
I throw my arms into the air. “Zac, I didn’t do anything,” I stress in exasperation.
“If you didn’t, then who did?” I stay quiet, and a few seconds later his eyes widen. “Brody?”
“I didn’t know he was going to do it,” I try to explain, but the fire that is burning in his glare tells me he doesn’t give a shit who did it or who was involved. He’s just angry all the way around. I can understand why–we invaded his privacy, and he has a right to be mad, but I want him to explain. It’s time he opens up.
The muscles in his jawline tighten, and he’s breathing hard, clenching his hands into fists. “It doesn’t matter who fucking did it, Cayden. It’s done now. I tried so fucking hard to keep it buried because I was so worried about how everyone would judge me. There are people who know the true story about that night, but I’m not ready to deal with this shit.”
“Are you saying there’s more to what happened than what’s in that folder?” I question, pointing to the folder on the floor.
“Yes, Cayden! Yes! Jesus fucking Christ, there’s more!” He shouts at me and stomps in my direction until we are practically nose to chest.
I lift my tear-filled gaze to his. “Then tell me!” I scream back, begging him to let me in, pleading with my eyes. Just give me something, a glimpse into the Zac that’s hurting.
“I can’t. I’m not ready.” He beseeches me, “Please, Cayden. Why can’t you understand that it’s too fucking hard?”
I drop my head in disappointment, and my shoulders sag in defeat. I’m tired of begging for something he’s not willing to give. I shrug my shoulders and purse my lips together as another tear trickles down my cheek. I swiftly wipe it away. “I’m right here, and you’re still not willing to open up. I’ve chased you for almost a year like a desperate little puppy, and you still don’t want me the way I want you. If you aren’t ready now with it right in front of your face, then I don’t know when you will be, but I’m done.” Sadness washes over me in waves, and a sense of loss settles deep within my soul.
He reaches out to touch me, but I step back. “Cayden—”
I put my hand up to stop him from continuing. “I thought we were moving forward, and I thought shit would change after we had sex, but it didn’t. We’re still stuck in the exact same spot as we were months ago. I’m tired, Zac. I’m tired of waiting, tired of wanting, and tired of hoping. It’s getting me nowhere.”
“Don’t say that,” Zac begs. A fearful glint passes through his eyes.
I start to back away, moving to the coffee table. “Why, Zac? What does it matter?” I challenge him to tell me just one truth.
“You just—”
I cut him off once more, “I just what? I just don’t understand? You’re God damn right I don’t.” My fury begins to surface again. “I’m outta here!” I’ve had enough arguing for one day. “It’s no one’s fault but your own!” I huff in annoyance and grab the Jeep keys off the coffee table.
Zac glances at the keys in my hand and lets out a frustrated sigh. “Where’re you goin’?”
I start to head for the front door, but his hand reaches out, and I’m spun around to face him once more. “Answer the question, Cayden.”
Yanking my arm from his grasp, I poke my finger in his chest. “Don’t you dare start demanding answers to questions when you can’t answer mine,” I sneer at him. “I’m doing what you do best, I’m running. Running away from you and running away from this situation,” I spit out the words like venom.
“You’re right it is what I do, but you don’t. Please, just stay,” Zac replies, beginning to sound just as tired as I am.
Everything is turning to shit. Thanks a lot, Brody.
Maybe this is the end for me and Zac. I’ve finally realized that maybe it’s not going to happen with him, and my heart is breaking merely thinking about that possibility. I can’t keep doing this with him though. In the end, I’m the one that’s hurt. I think he’s already hurt me enough tonight because I know that I never want to feel like this again. Between him and Brody, I may just give up on men altogether…or go back to the pact me and my sisters made about no relationships–that was until Dex and Mav came along. Maybe love isn’t for me, and I’ll never find what they have.
I open the front door but spin to meet his sad gaze. “Tell you what, Zac. The choice is yours now. If you want me, then when I get back, you open up and tell me everything, or you don’t, and it’ll be time for me to let you go and move on.” I take one last look at the man that has invaded my every thought for the last year. I slam the door behind me, but it quickly opens.
“Cayden, wait!” Zac yells after me, but I continue rushing to the Jeep. Don’t stop. Don’t turn around, I chant to myself over and over again. I’m so overwhelmed and full of more pain than one person should ever experience.
Opening the door to the Jeep, I get into the driver’s seat and try to get the key in the ignition. My hands are shaking terribly from all of the emotions raging through me, and the rush of adrenaline is quickly fading, which doesn’t help the shakiness.
Pulling out of the driveway, I head to my spot…the one only my sisters know about. I need this time to think about everything that’s transpired tonight. I need to decide where to go from here, and what the hell I’m going to do when we go back to school. No way can I live with Zac as a roommate after this summer. My heart breaks further thinking about how I’m going to extract him from my life when he’s become so intertwined.
Zac sleeps in the room next to me, and every single night, I can hear him, hear his pain. I truly care for him–regardless of what happens between us. The further I drive, the more I start to think about everything I saw in that damn folder. Maybe I should have never opened it. It’s too late now, and Brody has opened a huge fucking can of worms.
Looking out the windshield, I gaze up and see that I’m almost to my destination. My place, my special place to think. Nobody except my sisters will know where to find me.
I take the last turn on the dirt road that leads me out to the town’s water tower. Parking the Jeep next to it, I smile sadly. The water tower has been my go-to place since I was a teenager. I came here whenever anything became too chaotic, or whenever I needed to think.
Stepping out, I walk over to the ladder and begin my climb. I make it up to the small ledge and take a seat, letting my legs dangle off the edge. If Zac would open up to me, we could talk everything out. One thing is for sure, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride…I better hold on.