Chapter Forty-One
I stood at the window and yawned as I watched the night sky. A storm had come through earlier. Of course I was tired. If the dead slept, I’d be one of them. Garrick was in the study catching up on work. All week long, he’d stayed in the apartment to keep me company.
This week, my major accomplishment had been Christmas decorating. Garrick hired people to come in, and I loved it. Our Christmas tree twinkled in the living room. Garland with three stockings hung on the mantle. It was cozy. This Christmas I wanted to fulfill an item from Garrick’s bucket list…a simple Christmas.
Going to Utah was out, so I would fulfill it here.
Mom and Dad were head over heels about Kimberly. The social worker suggested a slow integration, so I would get to meet her in two or three weeks. They wanted this. Their age was a concern for me, but the social worker seemed okay with it, especially since it was so obvious they truly wanted to do this. Of course, I would help any way I could.
All the family had stopped by this week to check on us, bring food, and plan for the baby. Everything was on track. The baby and I were healthy. My worry eased more each day the pregnancy progressed further than I’d been pregnant before, which had been under a week.
My miracle baby.
I checked the time. It was nearly eight. Bedtime. Oh, I’m a party animal lately. The thought made me giggle. Old lady was more like it.
I headed down the hallway to the study to find Garrick.
“Has my girl come to tell me good night?”
Lately, I’d been going to bed early and Garrick was joining me later. He worked some, but not enough. At my urging, he stole a few hours that afternoon while I was awake, since he mainly worked while I slept.
“This old lady is going to bed.”
Garrick laughed and gave me a smile. All week long, he had been exuberant. “You’re a party animal.”
“My earlier thoughts exactly. It’s your baby making me tired.”
He flattened his hand against my stomach. “Be nice to your mom.”
The doctor still wanted us to abstain from sex for a bit longer. I wanted to feel Garrick inside me, but I knew he was nervous about my situation. Time would tell.
Garrick stood and picked me up. It was his new ritual—to pick me up and tuck me into bed each evening. He kissed me. “I love you, my beautiful wife.”
“We love you, too.”
Garrick loved it when I spoke for the baby. Never again would our lives be the same. He kissed me again but pulled back before things went too far. The need increased with each day we had to abstain. “I can’t wait to make love to you again.”
I yawned. Apparently, sleep won out over my libido. “Me, either.”
He chuckled. “I’m glad I turn you on so much.”
Another yawn. “Oh, you do. A lot.”
His lips pressed against my forehead as he murmured, “Thank you for giving me the most precious gift.”
“I love you.”
“Love you, too. You two sleep well. I’ll check on you in a bit.”
Before he left the room, I was already asleep.
~ ~ ~
“Knoah? Knoah! Baby, wake up.”
I wanted to open my eyes, but I was so tired. Just a few more minutes.
“Knoah! I need you to wake up!”
Garrick seemed upset. It was important I wake up. I tried to pull myself through the sludge, but it was too much. Why is Garrick upset? What’s going on? The harder I tried to escape it, the harder the sludge fought against me. Eventually, I stopped fighting.
“I need an ambulance immediately.”
Who’s sick? Absently, I wondered why Garrick needed an ambulance. I checked myself but felt nothing.
The black sludge engulfed me once again.
~ ~ ~
“Mr. Shaw, I have to ask you to leave.”
So much noise surrounded me. It felt like chaos. Light, there was light somewhere. My eyes refused to open. Garrick was near. I felt him. I wished I could tell him I was okay.
Later. Later, I would let him know.
“That’s my wife. No!”
More noise. Garrick, everything is okay. Don’t worry. I tried to say it, but my lips wouldn’t move. Just a little more sleep. Then, I’d tell him.
~ ~ ~
“Knoah. I need you to come back to me. Please.”
The pain in his voice shot through me. My heart ached as I fought my way to Garrick. But it was no use.
“Knoah, all I need is you. That’s it. Please. I’m begging you.”
And our baby. All you need is me and the baby. I know. We’re here.
I was so tired. It wasn’t good to stress, so I let the blackness engulf me once again.
~ ~ ~
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
What is that incessant noise? An alarm?
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Make it stop.
I tried to move, but my body felt like it weighed a million pounds. Slowly, I opened my eyes. Garrick’s forehead rested on the edge of the bed, and he held my hand in both his. He kept saying, “Please come back to me. Please come back to me.”
Come back to him? Did something happen?
At that moment, the smell of antiseptic hit me like a freight train, and I realized. Hospital. That’s where I had to be. “Ga-Garrick.” My voice was hoarse and sounded weak.
His head jerked up. “Knoah! Thank God!”
The relief in his voice confused me. “Where am I?”
He pressed a button on the bed. Someone spoke from a speaker close to my head. “Yes, Mr. Shaw?”
“She’s awake.”
The voices were loud. “We’ll be right there.”
Me... Something had happened to me. “Garrick?”
“Yes, sweetheart. You’re at the hospital.” He sounded so sad…heartbroken.
Oh no.
Realization dawned on me and my heart broke all over again.
It had happened again. “The baby?” Utter devastation passed over Garrick’s face, and I knew. “I lost the baby.”
Garrick nodded sadly. “We lost the baby.”
My chest tightened. I’d done everything the doctor had asked. Absolutely everything. And yet my body hadn’t been strong enough. Now, I had lost my second child.
He squeezed my hand. “Sweetheart, you’re alive. That’s what matters.”
The first tear fell.
Then the second. After that, I stopped counting. I couldn’t stop them.
I’d lost the baby.
Another baby.
And the pain was as bad as the first time.
Garrick sat beside me. “Knoah, this isn’t your fault.”
Yes, it was. If my body hadn’t been broken, this wouldn’t be an issue.
The doctor came in and examined me. I responded as was expected of me, but I barely heard anything. I kept thinking about the baby. Like Dylan’s death, this all landed back on me.
With Dylan…
I’d wanted to go to Paris.
I’d wanted to get married.
I’d wanted to see the Eiffel Tower.
All the unhealthy thoughts from my past came back with a vengeance, and I welcomed them. I deserved for this to happen after what I’d done. Vivian had been right all along. And now Garrick had paid the price with me.
At some point, he would realize I wasn’t worth the loss…the heartache…the pain. And he would leave me.
“Mrs. Shaw?”
Snapping out of my thoughts, I focused back on the doctor. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
The man looked at my vitals on the machine. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired.”
Devastated. Broken. Empty.
“Get some rest. You fever seems to have broken. It was dangerously high when you came in. All your vitals are now within normal range. You will continue to have bleeding for the next few days to a week.”
“Fever? Do you know why?” My voice broke on the last word.
“It was most likely viral. Did you have any symptoms prior to going to bed?”
“No. None. I felt fine.”
The doctor took a deep breath. “Sometimes, unfortunately, we don’t have the answers. Do you have any other questions?”
I shook my head, not wanting to hear everything again. I still remembered the last loss with acuteness.
Garrick grabbed my hand. “When will I be able to take my wife home?”
“Tomorrow, as long as everything progresses normally.”
The thought made me sick. Each moment for the next week or so, I would be reminded constantly with the bleeding. That had been the hardest part, knowing my body was expelling the baby.
Within me, the walls began to form. Were it not for my wedding gift to Garrick, I wouldn’t be here.
“Thank you.”
The nurse touched my leg. “You have a lot of people who love you. They’re in the waiting room.”
The looks of pity would be unbearable. The sad voices telling me it wasn’t meant to be this time would be a knife to the chest. Saying it would happen when the time was right would gut me. Unless they lived through the pain, they had no idea how truly devastating losing a baby felt.
Dealing with anyone at this point was more than I could handle. “Please send them away. I don’t want to see anyone.”
Garrick began to speak, but he clamped his mouth shut. Instead he spoke to the nurse. “Will you stay with Knoah while I go out to the waiting room?”
“Yes, sir. I’d be happy to.”
I felt his hand on mine and looked at him. Garrick said, “I’ll be right back. Do you need anything?”
To know you won’t want to get rid of me because I can’t give you the one thing you want.
I should have said this…should have talked to him. But I closed myself off a little more. “No. That’s it. I don’t want them to come tomorrow, either.”
“Very well.” Garrick disagreed with me, but he wouldn’t argue. The way his family solved things was by being together. That was the opposite of what I needed or what I’d conditioned myself to.
The room grew silent after they left. Garrick and the doctor talked outside the door. “I do know what you’re going through.” I said nothing but looked at the nurse. “I had four miscarriages myself.”
My mouth dropped open. Four. She lost four babies. Her eyes met mine, filled not with sympathy, but empathy. There was a huge difference. She understood. “Does the pain ever lessen?”
“It’ll always be with you. But it will make you stronger. I now have two healthy children.”
The pain never left. I’d figured that, but now I was certain. That was all I needed to know, and I turned my head away. I should have never let myself hope. Somehow, I’d convinced myself throughout the week that this time would be different. Garrick had promised nothing would happen to either of us.
“Your husband loves you so. You both will find your way.”
“Thank you.”
Except I won’t be able to give him what he wanted. From the elation Garrick had that week, I knew he would want children. At some point, I wouldn’t be enough.
Garrick walked in, dark circles beneath his eyes. “Everyone went home. If you need anything, they’ll be there.”
I wouldn’t but nodded in reply. The nurse quietly excused herself.
Garrick kissed my forehead and lips, lingering there. I felt the love but rejected it at the same time.
“What happened?” I asked, my voice catching.
He swallowed hard, his eyes glistening. “I was so scared. So fucking scared. I came to bed. You had kicked off the covers. There was blood. A lot of it.” I closed my eyes as more tears fell. At some point I would be out of tears. “All that matters is I have you, Knoah.”
But I saw the hurt in his eyes.
It’s not all that matters.
“I love you, Knoah. We’ll survive this.”
I swallowed hard. “I love you, too.”
So much that I may have to let you go.