Chapter Forty-Two
“Sawyer is here. You up for some company?”
At the bedroom window, I sat in the chair and looked out at the city, completely numb. Ever since I’d come home I felt like I had after Dylan died—empty. And for some reason, it had completely encircled me—there was no escaping. Garrick told me how much he loved me constantly and had been more than amazing.
But once I got better, would he leave me?
Those unhealthy thoughts rooted themselves deep within me.
“No, tell her to go.”
“Knoah—”
I held up my hand and shook my head, hating myself for being distant. My heart wanted to run into Garrick’s arms, but my head won the battle.
Would our child have looked like me? Garrick? A combination? Had the baby been a boy? Girl? I couldn’t escape.
The door opened and closed.
Every day, people came to see me—sometimes multiple times a day. I saw no one. Garrick had even brought Brooke here to talk to me. I sat quietly and looked out the window without responding once.
I glanced at my cell phone—which had been turned off to avoid incoming messages—and momentarily debated sending an I’m fine text to everyone. Instead, I swung my eyes back to the city skyline.
A few minutes later, Garrick walked in the room and grabbed his keys. I remained quiet. Finally, he’d had enough and was leaving. Inside, my heart shattered.
“Come with me.”
“What?” I turned to face him. This was the first time he’d given me a command since coming home. Every other request had been more of a question, leaving the choice up to me.
“I want you to come with me, Knoah. I need you to come with me.”
No, you need someone who can give you a family. The thought kept me rooted in my seat. “I’ll be fine here.”
“Please.” The vulnerability in that one word cracked a piece of the wall around my heart. I’d already caused him so much pain. What’s wrong with me? Why am I doing this?
Brooke had said so many things I’d rejected at the time. Talk about the pain. Talk about your insecurities. Just talk to Garrick. He lost the baby, too.
I closed my eyes, feeling the hurt from Garrick. “Okay. I’ll go.”
Relief flashed over his face. This was the first time I had done anything. Maybe this was the end. If so, he deserved to have it on his terms. Without a word, I stood and followed him to the elevator. It whisked us down to the cars.
“Are we going by ourselves?”
“Yes.”
With Navarro gone, we were probably able to move about more freely without security. “Is the security gone?”
“It’s been lightened significantly. Navarro’s men are gone. No one else has made a move.”
We were free.
No other casualties. The list was already too high, but at least it hadn’t grown. So many things began to bubble to the surface. How is Kimberly? Arnold?
I buckled myself into the passenger seat. Another piece of my wall cracked when Garrick laced his fingers through mine. For the longest time, I stared down at our hands. Maybe he was in this for the long haul. Maybe I’d been so wrapped up in my own grief I hadn’t seen the truth.
Reaching down, I placed my other hand on top of his, infusing it with love. A lone tear slid down my cheek. Barely above a whisper, I said, “I love you.”
“I love you, too, sweetheart.”
Soon the warmth from the sun and hum of the engine began to relax me. For the first time in a while, I actually slept.
~ ~ ~
I woke up and blinked slowly a few times. The car was parked in the shade, and all was quiet. “How long was I out?’
“A couple of hours. I didn’t want to wake you. You haven’t been resting much.”
Every night, Garrick still held me. It was the one time I allowed myself to feel like things might work out. I straightened and noticed our hands were still interlaced. “Where are we?”
“Take a walk with me.” By the determination in Garrick’s voice, I got the impression he would carry me if I said no.
“Okay.”
Then I recognized the location. We were at my pond. The pond I used to come to after I lost the first baby. I thought about how I’d come here the first time by chance and met Mr. Harligen, who’d gifted the land to me when he died. I took a deep breath, remembering what the lawyer had written.
Mr. Harligen wanted you to have this place as a safe haven. You saved his life, and he wanted to thank you. The day you met Mr. Harligen, he planned to commit suicide. This is a small token of his appreciation for giving him more time with his family.
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes. Garrick remembered this was where I’d first brought him after telling him about Dylan. This was our safe haven.
He remembered.
More of the wall crumbled. Pieces of me came back. Why did I let myself go down such a dark path? I wanted to fight for us. I would fight for us.
I took a deep, cleansing breath as we rounded a corner. Our feet crunched underneath the gravel while the insects chirped and the birds sang. This was paradise. Hand in hand, we walked along the trail in silence.
Life came back to me. If Garrick wanted out, I would fight for him. For us.
The bench came into view. We sat and looked out onto the lake, my head on his shoulder. A fish popped out of the water. How do I start? I needed to say something.
But Garrick took a deep breath and began to speak. “I never imagined it would hurt this bad.” A lump formed in my throat at his words. “But it hurts like a son of a bitch. When we found out you were pregnant, it was one of the happiest days of my life.” It only got worse as I thought about that week. “But it still doesn’t top the best day of my life.”
I jerked up and stared into his green eyes, wondering what he was thinking.
“Do you know what that day was, Knoah?”
“When…” I cleared my throat. “When was that?”
“The day I met you. Without you, Knoah, nothing else would matter. It’s because of you that I can love. It’s because of you I feel complete.”
He was too wonderful…too perfect. I loved him with my whole heart. The dam broke, and I covered my face. “But I can’t give you what I want. I lost our child. I lost your baby. I know you wanted it. I wanted it.”
He shifted, and I raised my head to see him kneeling in front of me. “This is not your fault.”
Through tearful eyes, I looked up to meet his. “It’s because of my body. I can’t give you children.”
He took my left hand in his and rubbed my wedding ring. “This week I’ve done a lot of thinking. And I’ve blamed myself.” I tried to disagree with him, but he shook his head. “Let me finish.” Taking a deep breath, he continued, “This isn’t a blame game. We lost a baby. We. And it’s no one’s fault. But there is one thing I can’t live without.”
My heart beat double time waiting for him to continue. “You. You are the one thing I can’t live without. I can only survive all of this if you’re by my side.”
The sobs wracked my body. “I’m so sorry I pulled away,” I said when I could speak again. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been preparing myself for the fact that you might not want me. It got in my head and refused to let go. I felt trapped inside my own head. Garrick, please don’t leave me.”
He pulled me to him, crushing me to his chest. “Shh…we found our way back together. That’s all that matters. I will never stop fighting for us. Never. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I wasn’t there for you the way you needed me while I blamed myself.”
“What?”
“Knoah, if I had protected you better, you might still be pregnant.”
That thought hadn’t crossed my mind. I touched my fingers to his lips. “No blaming. I love you, Garrick.”
“I love you, too.” He took a deep breath, and I saw the vulnerability he worked so hard to hide. “Can I kiss my wife?”
It broke my heart to see how much distance I’d put between us. “Yes. Never feel like you have to ask again. I will always want your love.”
The brilliant smile I loved spread across his face. “I’ll hold you to that because I plan on kissing my wife for the rest of my life.”
“Please.” I tipped my head back, and Garrick touched his lips to mine. The kiss was soft and sweet. A healing type of kiss. His tongue swiped across my lips, and I opened up to him. We would survive this together. If only I could have him inside me. I still wasn’t cleared. He smiled against my lips. “Soon. Very soon.”
“You read my mind.”
“I know you unlike anyone else. I need my wife. I can do anything with you by my side.”
The butterflies danced in my stomach. “I need you, too, Garrick. I needed you so bad this week, but I was afraid.”
“I will never leave you. Ever. Regardless of what happens, I am in this until the end.” Until the end. “If you’re up for another short trip, I have something else to show you.”
My curiosity was piqued. “Yes, I’m more than up for anything if I have you.”
“It’ll be a short trip. Then we’ll head home.”
Home.
The word sounded better by the moment.
Back in the car, my nerves edged upward as we approached the cemetery gates. Why would he bring me here? I had to trust Garrick. There had to be a good explanation. He parked the car in front of Dylan’s grave, and my chest tightened.
“Trust me?”
Garrick touched my hand, instantly calming me. I can do this. Trust him. “Yes.”
We got out of the car and walked up the small hill. Beside Dylan’s grave, next to the tombstone for him and our baby, was another small tombstone. I dropped to my knees with a sob.
“I know Dylan is watching after our baby along with your first one. I wanted the time he or she was alive to be remembered.”
The tears came faster than I could wipe them away. He’d remembered. Garrick knew I needed this to process what had happened. On the small tombstone was Baby Shaw, Forever loved.
I traced the words and said, “I know we never got to meet. But your daddy and I loved you so very much. You have a baby brother or sister in heaven. We love you.”
Garrick wrapped his arms around me, his eyes glassy. “Yes, your mom and I love you. We’ll never forget you.”