Katie
“So, Katie.” Nate approached me as I collected my things at the end of class. “I hear you tutor for writing.” Among the many odd jobs I had, working in the writing lab was one of them. Anne Johnson, my old Creative Writing professor, posted my name as a tutor.
“I do. Can I help you with something?”
His eyes roamed my body and I shivered. Nate was too good looking for his own good. Suddenly, the heat of Levi surrounded me, as I sensed he stood behind me. Without touching, the solid wall of his chest stood at my back, his nearness a statement.
“So, yeah, I need some work with this business writing prompt?” Nate continued, but my hands fluttered at how close Levi stood.
“Oh, well, I don’t usually tutor those types of things. I’m more for the creative types.”
“I like creative types.” Those inquisitive eyes skimmed over me again. A white row of teeth met my gaze. There was more in his meaning than writing, but my thoughts muddled at this handsome man appraising me. His newly borne attention was disconcerting. With the presence of Levi still directly behind me, the attention of two men at once left me feeling dazed as heat spread over my body, primarily radiating from the man behind me.
“Are you almost done?” Levi huffed, and I jolted back to reality. I quickly finished loading my bag with my pen.
“Sorry. I’m finished.” I turned sideways to allow Levi to pass, but he stalled after stepping forward, pressing his body flush with mine. His eyes were nearly black and he clenched his teeth.
“Not you, him.” His head tipped sideways toward Nate, and I turned to find Nate still drinking me in, but his face stiffened. His false smile held firm as the presence of Levi’s position appeared almost possessive.
“So, Katie, anyway, how about Thursday night? I can rent a room…”
“What?” Levi choked out, taking a half-step forward, angling his body before mine.
“At the library,” Nate hissed, squinting at Levi before his eyes returned to mine. His tone teased. “You can work on me there.”
“You mean your paper,” I corrected. “Thursday is fine.” Levi’s head spun to face me, and I remembered what he’d said. He didn’t think I should settle for fine. I don’t know how he didn’t recognize that staring at him was better than good. The feeling inside me I had when I looked at him was more than anything I’d ever felt before, and I believed I wore my emotions on my face.
“That’s what I said.” I broke my gaze away from Levi in time to see Nate wink at me and remove himself from the desk he’d been sitting on. For some reason, Levi passed without another word and Nate handed me his phone for my number.
Thoughts of both Levi and Nate haunted my walk to another one of my many jobs. Levi was dark, hard lines, older with an edge, and a child. Nate was pretty boy, good-looking, a blinding smile and an out-of-my-league air about him. Both men were a contradiction. Nate had never given me the time of day before. Levi wasn’t giving me the time of day, although we’d spent a whole one together. And there still hadn’t been any mention of the times we’d met before. I shook my head with the thought. I just did not understand men.
Taking a refreshing breath of the early fall air, I walked the blocks to Vintage Vines, an eclectic store of stuff. Old junk artistically turned to treasure and gently worn, second-hand clothing, gave the place a homey, cluttered feel, and I loved it. The collection strangely reminded me of my small town. Looking around, I giggled as I realized each one of these old pieces told a story. There’s a history in them, Professor Erickson would say. The jar of Scrabble chips—who played the game? Did they laugh? Did they win? A wind chime made of utensils shaped like flowers—who ate off those instruments? Did they enjoy the food? Were they a family? History had come alive again, in Vintage Vines.
Thinking back on our class, I blushed. I’d lost my mind staring at Levi. I don’t even know what I said. I only remember how the heat in his dark eyes melted over me. I clenched the surface of the desktop to hold myself still when all I wanted to do was launch myself at him. Seeing him holding AJ in Dr. Johnson’s office also gave me the warm-fuzzies. There was something sexy about this man with his child.
“Katie?” I jumped at the sound of my name. Sidonia Thomas was a strikingly handsome woman. Yes, handsome was the correct word. She had hard features that gave her almost a manly edge, but there was something about her overall appearance—rich, raven hair, caramel skin, and green eyes—hitched your breath because she was beautiful.
“Hey.” I blinked out of my reverie and reached for one of the boxes dangling at the top of the pile Sidonia carried. “What’s all this?”
“Getting ready for the holiday season.”
“It’s not even September.”
“I know.” Her chuckle was throaty. “But you know the saying: Christmas comes early.” She winked playfully. Sidonia was one of those people who brought me comfort. Something about her calm demeanor, and her business-like mind made me aspire to be like her one day. She was probably closer to Levi’s age than I was, and suddenly, I was back to thinking of him. I carried the box to the counter, reaching for a box cutter and slicing open the lid with extra gusto.
“Whoa, careful there, Katie Kat.” I didn’t look up to meet her almond-shaped eyes, but I smiled weakly at her use of the nickname deemed by Penelope. “What’s on your mind, girl?”
“Boys.” I laughed.
“Safer on the brain, than in the heart, or between your legs,” she murmured. Silence fell between us after I chuckled without conviction.
“Tell me,” Sidonia demanded, dragging out the words. “I’ll help ya. So, there’s this boy…” she prompted.
“In my class,” I giggled.
“And…”
“And I know him from a long time ago.”
Sidonia leaned her hip against the counter, waving her hand in a circular motion.
“And we might have kissed then.”
Sidonia stopped motioning.
“And we might have kissed recently.”
Sidonia clapped, lifting her clasped hands up under her chin.
“But he isn’t talking to me now.”
Silence ensued for a beat.
“But…” my boss sang out. My eyes shot to hers.
“End of story.”
“Not end of story.” Sidonia took the knife implement out of my hands, suddenly concerned with the way I flicked the lever back and forth. “You need to move him from the head to between your legs.”
“Sidonia,” I shrieked with laughter.
“Sounds like he might already be knocking at your heart?” She wiggled her eyebrows to tease me.
Heart. Mine raced whenever I thought of Levi, the touch of his lips. The feel of his hands on my neck, the press of his body against mine. My heart galloped inside my chest.
“Oh, and he’s assigned to be my research partner.” My hands came to the edge of the counter and I shook my head. I’d tried to get out of the class since Levi didn’t want to do the project. I didn’t need the class but Anne thought it would be good for me. She refused to let me withdraw.
“This sounds perfect. Forced to be together. Forced to speak to one another. The universe works in mysterious ways, Katie Kat.”
I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t certain I always believed that, although I wanted the universe to do me a favor. In my heart, I wanted to believe Levi Walker had returned to me.
“Think of it. The universe obviously brought him here to you.” I stared at her, questioning the thought. Suddenly, I motioned forward for the box-cutter. “Put me to work, so I don’t have to think about the world-at-large or things bigger than me.” Or the small town I came from where I kissed a boy who doesn’t want to remember me.
* * *
“Ladies’ Night Out,” Penelope shouted as I entered our apartment on Thursday evening. A whoop after the shout out told me she’d started Ladies’ Night while she was still in. Tuck walked into the living room wearing kick ass red heels, a short leather skirt and a loose, sheer, white shirt.
“Holy crap, you look amazing.” I blinked like a star-struck fan as Tuck glowed like a movie star. Her bright red lips matched her shoes and her appearance gave new meaning to head-to-toe hot. She smiled slowly.
“Thank you, darlin’. Now why aren’t you dressed? It’s ten-dime Thursday at Cub-Que until seven.”
“I can’t go,” I laughed, a little bitter at my commitment to Nate, a little relieved as there was no way I could stand next to Tuck without feeling like I should be part of the floorboards. She stopped fidgeting with her blonde locks for a moment and stared at me.
“What do you mean you can’t go?”
“I have a tutoring session at seven.”
“It’s Thursday,” Penelope yelped as she came into the living room. Dressed in a tight skirt, similar but not the same as Tuck’s, her appearance matched the general attire of our roommate. They could have passed as twins, minus Penelope’s acorn hair. I blinked at my oldest friend, wondering what the fourth day of the work week had to do with anything. “It’s Friday Eve,” she giggled, hinting she’d started the weekend a tad early. I guess she won’t be taking any temp jobs tomorrow. I laughed, only slightly jealous of the carefree nature of my best friend. I wish I were that loose, but I also needed to get going to make it to the library by seven. I had my own writing piece to work on before I met Nate, and clearly my apartment wasn’t a place for concentration.
“Sugar, you need to go out sometime. We need to hang.” My newest roommate was right. Between her work schedule and my studies, we hardly interacted with one another. She’d just moved in when she was called out of town to a training session in Michigan. Upon her return, she’d been heavily following reports on some minor-league baseball players, scouting out potential clients to bring up to the big leagues. Playing season was over for most teams, which meant buying season was about to begin.
“I will. Next time.” I smiled shyly as Penelope came up to wrap her arms around me, kissing me on the cheek before stepping away from me.
“You always say that. You work too hard. Study too much. Where is my carefree Katie Kat?” I stared at my friend. Carefree did not describe me. Hard worker, dedicated to my studies, loyal to my family—but never carefree. I feared consequences. In many ways, I feared a relapse. If I was punished, I’d fall back into a silent me.
I laughed loudly to break the growing tension. Penelope knew me better than most people, and she’d be the first to agree I was not the spontaneous type. Only once. No, twice, had I acted without thought, and both times the after-effects knocked the breath out of me. The risk wasn’t worth the torture, but then I thought of Levi’s mouth on mine. I’d been reckless three times, actually, and each of them had included him. Each kiss worth taking. Each second after heartbreaking.
“Do you have a date?” Penelope squealed like a cheerleader, bouncing up on her toes. Her hands clapped rapidly.
“No,” I snorted as my face heated.
“You were going all pink, but now you’re bright red. You do have a date,” she pressed.
“I do not.”
“Do too.”
“What, are you both five?” Tuck giggled. “Penelope, leave her be. Can’t you see she doesn’t want to share?” She winked at me.
“I wouldn’t share either if Sexy Walker was interested in me.” After disappearing for a full day on Saturday, I had to tell my roommates where I’d been. Penelope stared at me open-mouthed the entire time, but Tuck gave me a knowing smile.
“He is not,” I choked.
“He is,” Penelope replied dragging out the active verb.
“Okay children, let’s be nice. Katie can’t date Sexy…I mean, Levi.” Tuck leveled me with a stare, knowing that I’d already kissed him, but not sharing those details with Penelope. On the other hand, Penelope knew I’d kissed him long ago, a fact Levi Walker hadn’t mentioned remembering.
“All right, but next time, there will be no next time,” Penelope said lavishly, swirling her hand in the air to accentuate her meaning. “Oh, by the way, there’s a letter on your bed for you. I didn’t mean to open it but the envelope was blank.”
I stared at my roommate, my heart rate accelerating. My feet wished to race, but I took slow measured steps to my room before closing my door and lunging for my bed.
K –
The zoo reminds me of you–wild and reckless and caged when all you want to be is set free.
̴ L
I stared at the words: caged. Did he understand I wanted to be set free? That a gnawing, clawing emotion existed inside me, remaining quiet yet hopeful. These emotions included my mother. The one person who should have loved me unconditionally and left me behind. There were times I’d fantasize she’d return for me, or at least find me, give me an explanation for abandoning me. Lost was the feeling to describe me. The unending, drowning sense of being a small fish in a pond too large to swim overwhelmed me. The city was the perfect simile to the glistening lake, filled with hundreds of lost fish. A pond of numerous souls all swimming upstream, waiting to be rescued from the self-torture. I felt like a farce as well as a failure, open to self-doubt at all that I didn’t have at twenty-three.
Levi exposed the same void in me. I never understood why he didn’t search for me, write to me, come find me. But his life proved he had other things on his mind than a silly girl standing in an alley taking a chance and kissing a man. I sighed as I added the letter to the first one, remembering I’d forgotten to ask Levi about the original invitation. If only I could believe such romantic letters were really intended for me, hinting at his true feelings, but I strangely sensed the notes were a case of mistaken identity. No secret admirer pined for me. It was I who secretly pined for someone who didn’t remember me.
* * *
“Is this the writing workshop?”
Startled, I looked up to see Levi peeking into the small study room. My traitorous heart leapt at the sight of him, but my thoughts tampered the excitement. His ignoring me most of the week proved his feelings. The kiss had been a mistake. Our day together had been…I didn’t even know what. He hadn’t mentioned either and a war battled inside me.
“This is a private session,” Nate barked, overly aggressive for a tutoring session. It wasn’t a date. What he said wasn’t exactly true, either, as Emma Christie, a girl from our class, was also present, thankfully making this time less private. Levi invited himself into the closed space and set his bag on the ground. He helped himself to a seat at my right and bent to retrieve his laptop.
“Dude,” Nate snapped, eying Levi and drifting his eyes in my direction. I lowered my head, biting my lip, my cheeks pinking, thinking this couldn’t be a pissing contest. This was a writing session.
“Levi, I didn’t know you needed tutoring.” Emma’s voice was seductive as she perched her chin on her fist. A stylish blonde bob and dark eyes accentuated her angular face. Edgy and fashionable, she dressed like someone who could tutor Levi in a few things other than writing.
“I think we have room for one more,” I offered, for lack of reasoning. The room was small, with a table and four chairs. The space suddenly felt suffocating.
After only a few more minutes of suggestions for Nate’s piece, he huffed and decided he couldn’t think of anything else to write.
“Want to go for a drink?” he asked me without directing the invitation to Levi or Emma.
“I…” My eyes shifted to Levi. Emma interjected, “I’d love a drink.”
“Dude, I just got here,” Levi replied. The room had only been reserved for an hour and the time was almost up. I was about to mention that fact when Levi added: “I booked the room for the next hour.”
“I thought you said you were free after our session,” Nate whined, and I turned to him. Green eyes paralyzed me. I was free. Levi had no appointment with me.
“I…”
“She’s on me next,” Levi growled. I sputter-coughed as I spun to face him.
“I mean, I’ve got her next.” My eyes opened wider.
“She’s…” My hand rose to stop him from digging the hole any deeper. I didn’t want to be anybody’s next, but I understood what he was trying to say.
“It’s fine. I’ll stay. I’ll see you on Monday, Nate.” I smiled sweetly, my lips straining at the falseness. Nate’s responding pout turned him un-cute. Hitching his backpack up over his shoulder, he huffed again and stepped toward the door. His eyes glared at Levi before he exited into the main library.
“Well, thank goodness. I thought he’d never leave,” Levi teased, wiggling his brows at Emma. Suddenly, I felt like the third wheel and cursed myself for misunderstanding.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to sound casual though my voice shook. I closed my laptop a little too forcibly.
“I need help with my writing.” The sound of his voice teased me, but I suddenly didn’t feel like being played.
“That’s not what Anne tells me.” Dr. Anne Johnson had been my creative writing professor, and we developed a casual friendship. She supported my writing efforts with suggestions, like the history class. When I tried to drop the course, she offered up information about Levi.
“He’s an amazing writer. He might be able to teach you something.” Her voice hinted at praise. At my horrified expression in response, Anne hadn’t received the rejoinder her intention had hoped. “He has some personal issues but his writing is some of the best I’ve read. He’s a natural at verse when he isn’t holding himself back.”
Anne had made a face at the admission. She’d offered too much and was clearly close enough to Levi to sense hesitation in his written word. To soften the overshare, she added: “He lacks emotion, but it could come with time.” Then she told me she’d made him enter the same writing project she suggested to me. The piece had to be historical in nature, which is why she recommended the history class for me. Was she challenging me? I thought, but didn’t speak. Anne had a way of trying to push people, but wasn’t so subtle. If she thought he was better than me, and I’d rise to the competition, she was wrong. I wasn’t going to battle with Levi.
I twisted for my bag on the floor. I couldn’t help the competition and be objective. A warm palm covered my knee.
“Please.” The heat of his hand seeped through my leggings. The slightest curl of his fingers over my knee held me in place. I slipped my laptop into my bag and sat up straight.
“Okay, fine. What do you need?”
Suddenly, I felt Emma’s eyes on us. I turned toward her and smiled weakly.
“Well, I guess I’ll go, too.” Awkwardly, her eyes shifted to Levi, almost begging him to invite her to stay for private tutoring. He noncommittally waved, but he didn’t give her a second glance. Upon her exit, I spun to face Levi.
“What are you doing?” Dark eyes pinned me at the question, and without looking, he blindly opened his laptop. I sighed, accepting defeat at his intrusion on the session. He turned away and began typing, so I asked a second time, “What do you need?” Suddenly, the computer faced me. His answer involved more than writing assistance.
You.
I bit the corner of my lip. “Are you drunk?” I whispered, my voice rushed and husky.
“Not in the way I’d like to be.” He pressed down on a key, and the word disappeared from the screen.
“Where is AJ?”
“I found a babysitter. Turns out my landlord, Mrs. Hubbard, has a daughter.”
The thought of another woman babysitting AJ and receiving payment with a kiss made my skin crawl. My fingers fumbled in my lap as my eyes lowered. I nodded.
“She’s sixteen.”
My head shot up and those dark eyes danced. His smile grew slowly, and I realized this was a genuine smile, not the too-large, extra wide, frozen stance of his mouth flashing white teeth. This smile teased and tickled. I couldn’t help but smile back.
“So honestly, what do you need help with here?”
“I need help with my emotions.” I snorted softly at the admission. His head swung back to the computer screen, avoiding my sudden stare. The tone of his voice told me he was serious, in more ways than one. His fingers posed over the keys. His chest rose and fell with the exertion of a deep breath, but his eyes shifted sideways to glance at me.
“Where do you want to start?”
“I guess I should start at the beginning.” We both watched his screen. Then he typed.
I met a girl who wasn’t for me. She was everything I thought I wanted and nothing that I needed. Then she got pregnant. I asked her to marry me because it seemed the right thing to do. She left me.
I stared at the words. Somehow, I sensed Levi’s story didn’t start or end with such abrupt finality. I read the lines again.
“How long has it been?”
“Sixty-three days.” He shrugged. Sixty three days? That was like two months. Oh my God, he’d kissed me roughly within those mere months after she’d left. He wasn’t only drunk, he was…he was…I don’t even know what. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and phrased the only question that came to me.
“How did that make you feel?” He turned to me and burst out laughing. The frozen smile returned; his teeth too bright, his jaw tight.
“Like shit.” He huffed like Nate only in a more manly-upset-sarcastic tone versus Nate’s I’m-not-getting-my-way puff of air.
“I’m sorry,” I offered.
“Don’t. Don’t be sorry. This is my life—shit.” Startled by his words, I sat back in my chair, crossing my arms and staring at him.
“Why would you say such a thing?”
He shifted further in his seat, his body positioned to face mine
“I know nothing about being a father. I proposed to my friend-with-benefits and she left me with a kid. He’s crying all the time. I have no idea if he can hear me. I can’t secure daycare and I live off a…I have means, but I need to start thinking about a job and I don’t know what I want to do.”
“For starters, you just said you got a sitter.”
“For tonight.” He snorted.
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to see you.” My breath hitched as my heart sprinted and a tingly sensation raced between my thighs.
“But you’re involved.” Logic dropped the hammer and all pulsing areas halted. He waved a hand dramatically at the computer. “I just told you, she left me.”
I shook my head. “That doesn’t mean it’s over.”
“What does leaving typically mean?” he snapped. I didn’t have a direct answer. When my mother left my father, she never looked back, but then he met Emily, and when she left, she returned for him. And me. A few months wasn’t enough time to sever a relationship, and the fact he knew the exact number of days proved he wasn’t over the mother of his child.
“She could come back,” I offered, but my voice lowered with the thought. Our eyes locked for a second, and the strangest feeling encapsulated me, pulling me to Levi by an invisible string. My hands gripped the sides of my chair, but I sensed my body leaning toward him.
“I don’t want her to.” His voice lowered, calling out to me with different words. His presence filled my space, my head, my heart. How could we be leaning into one another when we were discussing his ex-lover, the mother of his child?
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I whispered, inhaling the masculine clean scent of him.
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” Levi exhaled, his breath brushing over my lips. “I’m not a good idea. You should stay away. That’s my hint.” His tone was seductive, but the words were a dose of reality.
My brow pinched, and I sat back abruptly, not realizing how much distance we had closed between us. My thoughts fluttered back to when I was seventeen and bold and stepped into his space to kiss him. But an older, wiser me didn’t think I should draw near the Levi Walker before me. I didn’t think there was the remotest possibility of getting close to this new Levi. His words interrupted my thoughts.
“But then you look at me all innocent and sweet, and you have no idea the things I want to do to you. And I can’t help thinking I don’t want you to stay away.” I inhaled sharply as my thighs clenched and the awakening of an area long repressed sprang to life with a heavy beat. For a man not in touch with his emotions, he didn’t stop there.
“I shouldn’t want you. Everything I touch turns to ash. Touch.” He grabbed my hand and roughly linked his fingers with mine. “Everything I touch, not feel. My feelings...pfft…” He sat back in his seat, releasing my hand and facing his open laptop. “I’ve trained myself not to feel.” His voice lowered at the statement.
My blood instantly turned cold, and I shivered at his tone. My tongue was too heavy to respond. He’d made his point. I shouldn’t be attracted to such a complicated man, anyway. I was too simple for him. There was nothing I had that could help him. I reached for my bag, hitching it up over my shoulder and stood for the door. He stood abruptly as well. I stepped left to round the table, but he countered me, circling the table in the opposite direction before blocking my exit from the enclosed space. Reaching for my shoulders, he spun me so we hid behind the door, just out of sight of the side window to the library.
“But I felt something the other night. With that kiss. And I want to feel it again, even though you’re too good for me.” His mouth firm, a hand slipped upward to caress my neck. His thumb rolled over the warm skin of my throat and locked under my chin. With no smile intact, his eyes danced instead. A pulse leapt through my body, threatening to beat loudly enough for him to hear. My thighs clenched again, and I let my bag strap slip from my shoulder.
“I’m not going to apologize, Katie. That kiss is more than I’ve felt in a year. It shouldn’t have happened the way it did, but I won’t ask forgiveness for taking it.”
I swallowed at his words. I didn’t want his apology and I wouldn’t forgive him. He took nothing from me that I didn’t give willingly once he pressed against me. I might have given him more, but he was unobtainable. I could see it in his cold glare. His set jaw. It was his warning smile. The devilish clench that said stay back. I recognized the movement. My father had worn it well when I was a child.
We stared at one another for a moment, eyes dancing with one another as our breaths hitched. The slightest scrape of my breasts against his chest set my nipples to pebble, and I envisioned his hands on more than my neck. His lips on more than my mouth. But the thought only lasted a beat before he released me and his head came forward to rest on mine. I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent—manly, warm, tortured.
“I remember you,” he whispered.
My eyes flung open, but he stood too close. I couldn’t focus on any one feature, so I let them drift to where his body pressed against mine. That was a mistake as the thought of him joining me set my belly to flutters, and the rhythm between my thighs increased its drumming.
“You still waiting for a hero?”
“Yes.” I exhaled breathily.
“Well, I ain’t one.” He pulled back only a hair’s breadth and held my eyes. “I’ve never saved anyone.” His tone turned bitter.
“I don’t need a hero for saving.” My voice choked on the words, coming out small and hushed. “I can stand on my own.” There was determination behind the truth, but my tone weakly mocked me.
“You still want one, though, and it can’t be me.”
“You know nothing about me,” I snipped, the sound of my voice still quiet despite my growing irritation.
“You’re right. I don’t. And I shouldn’t want to. I’ve got too much going on, and I shouldn’t be thinking of you.”
“Then don’t,” I barked, sensing him dismissing me. My hands pressed on his chest.
“But I can’t help myself. That kiss, Katie. All I want is...” His mouth crushed mine, his fingers weaving into my hair. It was a kiss different from all the others. No longer a drunken experiment. Not a test of my will, either. This was something more than I could describe. He drank me in like he thirsted for me, tipping my head so his mouth covered mine and he possessed me. His hips pressed forward, pinning me to the wall at my back. His hands delved so deep in my hair, he cupped the back of my neck. And his mouth, his mouth took such liberty in separating my lips with his tongue, inviting himself inside to play, coaxing me to give in to him. My hands gripped his biceps, feeling the bulge of his strength through his shirt while my lower abdomen recognized the hard length of him elsewhere. My hips bucked forward for a friction I craved, and my mouth responded in kind to his encouragements. I tangled his tongue with mine, hoping to draw him into me.
A harsh knock on the wood at my side made us both jump.
“Are you almost finished in there?” An angry librarian’s voice streamed through the thick door. Our heavy breathing masked any attempt to respond, but I watched Levi swallow as he gathered his words.
“I’m done.” His eyes didn’t leave mine when he spoke, and I sensed he meant more than the use of the room.