Katie
Frightened would never be a word I’d use to describe Levi Walker, and yet those deep chocolate eyes, filled with amusement one moment and hollow the next, looked completely scared out of his mind as he finished.
“I didn’t use a condom, but I swear I’m clean.”
That wasn’t exactly the first thought I had. My first had been how perfect he felt inside me. If I’d had starry-eyed visions of Levi Walker before, they were nothing compared to what he had just done to me. I’d never felt so complete, and my eyes watered instantly.
The crash of his words brought a second thought—pregnancy.
“It’s okay,” he said, quickly withdrawing from me, as a tear betrayed me. Sliding down to my hairline, it seeped behind my ear. He kissed me awkwardly on the cheek before pressing upward and stepping away from the bed. I didn’t move. I didn’t have the strength physically or emotionally. I wanted to relive each detail but my heart suddenly ached. How could I feel so full and so empty at the same time?
Levi returned within seconds, and a warm washcloth pressed between my legs. The soothing heat felt good, and surprisingly, sparked weak hope of repeating what we’d just shared. What we’d just done, I corrected myself, sensing the act complete. Finished. Final. I was quite convinced Levi and I had not shared the same experience. For me, our connection had been everything. For him, I couldn’t even imagine.
“I can’t get pregnant. I’m on the pill, so don’t worry.” His brows pinched. His face stern. His quiet demeanor and hollow eyes returned, but he slipped to my side and pulled me to him. His lips pressed to the sharp angle of my shoulder.
“Thank you,” he whispered. Stunned, I spun to face him.
“For what?” I chuckled without humor.
“For giving me that.” Deep eyes searched my face but refused to meet my eyes. He wasn’t admitting anything, but the gratitude sounded sincere. I rolled to face away from him but pressed deeper against his bare chest.
“You aren’t going to leave, are you?” His words troubled me, the tone of his voice weak, almost childlike, filled with fear. My hand caressed up his forearm, which was crossed over my chest, pinning me to him. Fingers circled the metal band at his wrist—a medical band I’d come to learn.
“I’m not going anywhere, Levi,” I tried to assure him, but my own voice trembled. I’d never leave him, unless he wanted me to go. Despite his question, though, I wasn’t convinced he wanted me to stay longer than that night.
* * *
Two days later, I broached the subject of Thanksgiving. “What do you do for the holiday?”
Stunned Levi, looked up at me from his corner of the couch. I was sitting on the floor, my laptop on his coffee table, typing up information for our project. We’d collected a variety of images in black and white, finding the historical sepia copies online with plans to find the current architecture and take modern photos.
“I…I hadn’t thought of it. I didn’t plan on doing anything.” His eyes shifted from me to the silent television and back. “I think AJ’s too young to notice the difference whether we celebrate or not.”
I was curious what he had done the previous year as he had been with Alicia at the time. He’d hinted her family didn’t care for him. They didn’t like his military history and his late-in-life college degree. Photographer was also not high on their list of future-son-in-law wannabes. Alicia’s family had strongly misjudged him, but I didn’t offer my opinion. In fact, we hardly spoke of her so the rare admissions were surprising.
“Want to come home with me?”
Levi froze, hands hovering over his laptop. His eyes fell to his fingers and his brow pinched. Instantly, I regretted the hope in my voice. I tried to sound nonchalant, easy-going, like it would be no big deal for him to return to his hometown with me. Our hometown. We weren’t an item. We weren’t a thing, but I still thought it would be kind to invite him.
“I am home.” The sharpness to his voice told me I’d made a mistake in my assumptions. “I’ve told you that.”
“I know.” I swallowed. “But I thought it would be nice to spend time with family.”
His eyes shot up to mine. “I don’t have family,” he groaned, scratching the stubble under his chin.
“Uncle Leon and Aunt Tricia would love to see you.”
“Have you told them about me?” he barked, his voice instantly getting deeper, severe in his displeasure.
“No, I just thought…” My throat tightened.
“Don’t.”
“Excuse me.”
“Just…don’t tell them about me and don’t think I’d like to go back or see anyone from there ever again. It isn’t home to me and hasn’t been for a long time. I don’t need to go back.”
I noticed he hadn’t said want—it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see them, he didn’t need to see them. I was ready to argue the point, but the expression on his face told me the argument was finished. He wasn’t going to accept my invitation.
“Fine,” I muttered, turning back to my computer screen. I saw him in the reflection of it, though, as the light crossed the panel. He was still staring at his own screen, fingers no longer typing, eyes not reading. I couldn’t imagine all that haunted him, but I wasn’t going to press. He wasn’t going to tell me anyway.
* * *
An hour later, I stood to leave, my knees cracking from sitting cross legged. It was the only sound in the room after sixty minutes of silence. We’d only spoken occasionally to mention an idea or something we found.
“Where are you going?” Levi snapped, and I realized moody Levi had remained.
“I’m going home,” I said without looking up at him. I bent at the waist to gather my things. “I mean my apartment,” I clarified, sensing the use of home was the wrong word. Instantly, my hips were encircled, and I was tugged backward. I fell onto Levi’s lap, gripping the papers in my hands. Those too were tugged and flung to the opposite side of the couch. Warm lips came to the back of my neck.
“Don’t leave like this,” he mumbled and that strange sound of fear filled his voice.
“I’m not sure you want me to stay,” I offered, lowering my head, tempted to cover his arms with my hands, but unsure about where I stood with Levi. Two days, and we’d had no repeat of the other night. A tender kiss on my cheek, a subtle chin-nod in class, but no sign that what we’d done had even happened.
“I don’t want you to go.” I noted that wasn’t an admission he wanted me to stay, but I settled into his thighs and his hands lowered to mine. He swiped up and down, over my jeans, before separating my legs at the knees. My head fell back to his shoulders at the tender touch. He knew what he was doing to me.
“Levi,” I murmured, noticing AJ in his bouncy seat. A kiss came to my shoulder.
“Don’t leave,” he pleaded. Hands covered the tops of my thighs and squeezed tight. It was the only hint I had that he wanted to repeat the other night.
“Later,” his tone promised.
* * *
“Playing house with him isn’t healthy,” Penelope commented while I stood next to her cutting vegetables a week later. She demanded a girl’s night in, and I couldn’t deny her. I’d been spending tons of time with Levi, but only recently had the nights been indescribable. Levi knew his way around a bed and I had much to learn. Luckily, I’d always been a fast learner and enjoyed my studies. While he was aloof in public, in private, he was slowly growing more attentive with soft touches and open kisses before AJ. But in the privacy of his bedroom, the real Levi Walker unleashed and free reign liberty was what he took from me. I didn’t complain. Not one bit, but I needed the night for a little breather. I didn’t disagree with Penelope.
“We aren’t playing house,” I laughed, nervously sensing we were. We ate dinner together, often me cooking his groceries. We spent time with AJ collectively, and people continued to mistake us for a family.
“This isn’t one of your fairy tales, Katie. This is real life.” The words were said softly, gently, but they pinched. Penelope was right. This wasn’t Nana’s playhouse where Gee and I pretended to be a princess and a knight. I would slay the dragons if he was good to me. This was reality, and I couldn’t slay the demons within Levi’s mind if he didn’t share them with me. On more than one occasion he’d grown quiet and reserved. His attention wandered, and I sensed he was miles from Chicago, crossing oceans, and buried deep in the desert heat. Other times, I’d seen the hollowness take his eyes. He’d become still and stare, questioning his surroundings. Even a tender touch to his face didn’t rouse him.
“I think he suffers from PTSD,” I said. “His life is far from a fantasy, Penelope.” Penelope stopped chopping and looked at me.
“That’s not what I mean.” Her voice grew gruff. “The two of you together isn’t healthy. He’s on the rebound, Katie. I’m sorry, but no man goes for the next girl, especially not with a baby.” I stilled with the knife pressed to the board. The words were harsh.
“You think I don’t know that?” I didn’t, actually. I wanted to live in my own naïve fantasy and I hated myself for it. I was the rebound. The transition girl. I was never going to be anything more to Levi. Unfortunately, he meant so much more to me.
Penelope shifted her entire body to stare at me.
“Katie Kat,” she said softly, but I shook my head. I didn’t need her sympathy for my stupidity. I’d been having the best sex of my life. The only true sex of my life and it was confusing me.
“It’s fine,” I lied, cringing at my own use of the words. I didn’t want fine. I deserved better.