Katie
Levi wasn’t there yet. He hadn’t fully arrived in the present. His past haunted him. His future with AJ uncertain, but I wanted to assure him I would keep waiting. I knew about ghosts. I knew about uncertainty. I also knew it took one spark to set the fire free, release the flames and ignite a new will. Levi had to get there, with or without me, before he could accept me. The drinking proved it.
“I have help,” he assured. “People to call if I need to talk. Anxiety pills to take instead of the drinking. I didn’t mean to scare you.” His tender fingers brushed over my face as he spoke, begging me to accept that he wasn’t breaking before me. Only cracks remained, but he was rebuilding. I just didn’t know exactly where I fit in the process.
Slowly we fell into a pattern of working on our history project, which we finally agreed would be history in images. This seemed like a big decision as photography was even more important to him than I knew. He told me about his meeting with Jet Markenson, and Anne’s connection to this man. We’d discussed further his application for Geographic Digest. He wanted an interview, and although he tried to appear nonchalant, I sensed he really, really wanted the position. I didn’t voice my concerns that if he got to travel the world snapping photos, I didn’t see how he could drag a baby with him, but it wasn’t my place to question. In the meantime, he’d submitted a story to the Perseverance Project that Anne recommended for me.
“Why are you upset? It’s just a stupid story. Not even. It’s more like an article, which is why she wants me to get a job at the Tribune—a job I don’t even want.”
“You applied at the Tribune?” I asked, still stinging from him calling a story stupid.
Levi sighed. “The man I met, Jet Markenson, he’s a photographer. I want a gig in photography, but Anne thinks I’d have a shot at writing as well. Why? Do you want to work for the Tribune? I could introduce you.” His tone hinted at mockery.
“No,” I sighed, frustrated at his good fortune to have Anne pushing him in the direction of a career in writing. “But I’d love a job that involves writing, and I’d give anything to have my stupid story win.” I air-quoted stupid while my voice hissed.
“Look, I didn’t mean that,” he countered. “If I win, I’ll just give the contract to you.”
“Are you teasing me? It doesn’t work like that and you know it,” I said, sitting back on his couch, staring at the television, but not really watching the action on the screen.
“I don’t understand why you’re getting so worked up,” he snapped, running his hand over his head in his telltale sign of frustration.
“I just wish you appreciated all Anne seems to be doing for you. She isn’t breaking her neck for everyone,” I huffed.
“What does that mean? Are you suggesting she feels sorry for me?” He shifted on the couch and twisted to face me. His action so swift the papers on his coffee table rustled with the motion.
“I just mean that Anne seems to be giving you her undivided attention, guiding you in a direction that you don’t seem to appreciate.” I’d said too much and instantly I was sorry.
“You think Anne’s playing favorites?”
I couldn’t respond. I didn’t know how to describe my thoughts. Maybe I was jealous. I didn’t see Anne having the same faith in me, and it reminded me of my numerous failures. I came to Chicago to answer one question and had lived here long enough to have a bucket full of new ones. I didn’t know what I would do next if I didn’t work in writing. I’d applied to over fifty companies in a variety of ways and hadn’t gotten one interview. Emily wanted to give me the name of an old editor for the travel magazine she worked for some fifteen years ago, but I didn’t want to bother a man who was no longer in the industry, not to mention working on a travel magazine didn’t sound interesting to me. I only foresaw continuing to work at Vintage Vines until I found the right opportunity.
Levi remained silent next to me, and I suddenly sensed he wanted me to leave. Or rather, I wanted to go. I needed some space to breathe. We were at his place again. We hardly used the library, and it didn’t seem conducive to use my place with AJ, but I missed my roommates sometimes and I felt resentful tonight about being at his place. Leaning forward, I began to gather my things.
“What are you doing?” His voice rose, the octave harsh, panic mixed with command. I continued to fill my bag as I answered, “I think I should go home.”
“Why?” He sat forward, not reaching out for me, but clasping his hands together, balancing his arms on his knees. Another habit we’d fallen into was me spending too many nights here, experiencing each other in his bed, but never completing the deed. Part of me was grateful, as my heart was into him more than he was into me, but the other part hated that we hadn’t taken things farther. I felt like he didn’t fully want me. I was only filling a hole for him. Chalking my mood up to general crabbiness, I stood with my bag.
“I think I just need to go home tonight. We aren’t getting anywhere with the research at the moment and I…” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t foresee us going anywhere. Playing house was messing with my heart. I never played house before, not even as a child in Emily’s playhouse. It was all fantasy—knights, princesses, and dragons. I was living the biggest fantasy of all—a lie. Make-believe was a dangerous game, and that’s exactly what we were doing, making me believe this was more than it was to him.
“And you what?” he snapped, standing to face me.
“I just need to go.”
“Fine,” he groaned, and I flinched as I knew he hated that word. He didn’t try to stop me and I circled the coffee table. A foreboding feeling filled me and his words halted me at his front door.
“What about the scholarship dinner?” he asked. Did he wish to renege on our date? He’d asked me to go as his plus one, but it was already mandatory I attend. I wasn’t an honored guest but a scholarship recipient that the university felt represented their donor’s financial investment. Levi had asked me to attend with him, nonetheless. In my anger, I responded.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I couldn’t face him or I’d cave.
“Why?” I heard the panicking plea in his tone. I wasn’t leaving him, I wanted to shout. Don’t act like I’m abandoning you, I wanted to scream. I’d been here almost every day but I didn’t understand what we were doing. And most of all, I realized that Levi didn’t seem to believe in me. Disheartened, I sighed.
“Levi, where are we going?” I turned to face him.
“I want to take you to the fundraiser ball.” He sighed, scratching at the scruff on his neck, another nervous habit, one he used when he was processing a thought when he didn’t understand. I hated that I recognized all his habits, and he didn’t seem to know that I cared so much about writing.
“That’s not what I meant, Levi. I mean us. Is there an us? Can I even say that? What are we doing? Playing house? Make-believe?”
“You’re…” He paused, eyes shifting sideways. I sensed what he stopped himself from saying. Holding my head higher, I glared at him.
“I’m the one that wants a hero, right? I’m the one who likes fantasy. I’m the one who writes stupid stories.” My chest rose and fell with each statement, my heart racing within my ribcage.
“That’s not what I was going to say.” His eyes narrowed on me.
Suddenly, AJ cried out, and Levi gave me a dismissive wave. The moment he left the room to retrieve his son, I saw myself out of his apartment but instantly wanted to turn back. Instead, I walked with a heavy heart down the steep stairs and went home to my roommates.
* * *
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the mystery roommate,” Penelope snarked as I entered the apartment earlier than my typical time. Tuck watched me with concern in her eyes as I crossed the living room for my bedroom. I dropped my bag on the floor and flung myself across my bed. I didn’t know how to explain my feelings.
First, I blamed myself for wanting things from an unobtainable man. I was frustrated by my heart and overwhelmed by the constant desire in my body. I longed for his touch when we were separated. I treasured each stolen kiss before darkness fell and we could explore one another. Most hours we lived a secret—keeping our relationship hidden. But was it really a relationship? I’d never had one before and I didn’t understand. Where was the declaration of devotion? The commitment that said I’m only with you? Even a word that said I think of you often would reassure me I was on his mind as much as he was on mine.
Instead, our time was physical. Levi was a tactile person, and I loved the exploration of his body. I loved when he touched mine, but I needed more. I needed reassurance I wasn’t filling a void for him. There were too many words unsaid, and as a writer, I needed the words, I decided. This led my thoughts to what he did say. Stupid stories? Levi took for granted what he did have—the support of powerful people like Wayne and Anne. In addition, he was too busy blaming the universe, and Alicia, for what he didn’t always see as a blessing—AJ. He’d told me how he felt God punished him by giving him a child as retribution for the ones lost, but I saw it as redemption. He received AJ as a gift, to understand life was precious and he should enjoy it.
A soft knock came to my door, and I muttered into my pillow: “Come in.”
“Sugar, you all right?” I flipped onto my back to find Tuck standing inside the door.
“I’m not a very good roommate. I guess I haven’t really been around that much and you should have taken my room.”
“I like the other one. It has charm. Besides, you didn’t know this would happen when I first moved in.” She waved dismissively at me. I shook my head. No, no I certainly did not see Levi Walker coming. “What happened tonight?”
“We had a fight, I guess. I don’t even know. I just said too much, and he got mad. And then I got mad.” Tuck nodded in response, understanding on her face, but her expression slowly fell.
“He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Her voice softened and something in her tone made me stare at her. Her eyes avoided mine, but the avoidance spoke volumes.
“No. No, Levi wouldn’t do that.” He might have fought battles, but he wasn’t a violent man. “Why?” She shook her head, dismissing my question, and I realized how little I knew of my newest roommate.
She pointed to my desk and a white envelope.
“Another message came for you. Penelope said they were yours. You have a secret admirer other than Levi?” Inflection rose in her tone, questioning the possibility.
I stood at my desk and opened the envelope.
K –
You’re the key. Unlock me.
̴ L
I stared at the words, knowing the note came too soon from the only-moments-ago fight. Plus, I recognized Levi’s handwriting enough to know this wasn’t his.
“You okay, Sugar?”
I sighed as I pressed the note to my chest. Tears welled in my eyes. For some reason, I suddenly missed my family.
“Yeah, I think I’m going to call my dad.”
“A girl always needs her daddy,” Tuck agreed as she stepped out the door, pulling it closed behind her. Only moments later, a stern sounding voice filled my ear with greetings.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Hey, baby.” The instant I heard the endearment, tears spilled. “You okay?”
“I’m good. Just busy. Lots to do at school and work.”
“You know I think you work too hard.” While we didn’t have too much, we had more than many in our small town. My father invented some gizmo that earned him a large sum of cash when I was young. College was a luxury but also mandatory. As my dad never fully finished his advanced degree, he didn’t want that to happen to me. He encouraged me as best he could, but he knew I was struggling.
“It’s all good. Just lots of projects and group outings.”
“Outings? Is that code for parties?” He laughed. The infamous Jess Carter had been a popular man in high school, and it carried over when he returned to Elk Rapids. Our family was social, gathering once a week to enjoy each other’s company. We celebrated birthdays and our town’s summer festival, Harbor Days. We were party people, minus me.
“I wish,” I muttered. My dad knew I didn’t have an active social life. That’s where Penelope came into play for me, but even with her wild side, I didn’t have half her expertise in social ability.
“Seeing someone?” he hinted. I giggled as I thought, leave it to my dad to be blunt. I swiped at my damp cheek, hesitating a moment as I didn’t know how to answer.
“Who is he? Do I need a shotgun?” I chuckled half-heartedly again, knowing he was kidding. We might live backwoods but Jess Carter wasn’t a man of violence. “Anyone I know?” he added as if he’d know anyone in Chicago.
Actually…
“Nope, no one you know. And just to clarify, we aren’t dating.” I swallowed the lie, accepting the fact that the Levi Walker of today was not the boy my father would remember. I choked on the reality of the second statement. We weren’t anything I could define, but dating wasn’t it.
“Katie…” My dad was processing and I could almost see his jaw clench through the phone.
“How’s Mom?” I asked, too cheerfully, too swiftly. I needed to change the subject before this conversation turned to areas I couldn’t explore with my dad.
“Em’s good. She misses you. We all do. You’re coming home for Thanksgiving, right?” My shoulders fell at the thought. A large, exuberant family was what I needed, but it also brought moments of loneliness for some reason. I thought of Levi and wondered what he’d do for Thanksgiving. He didn’t have any family to return to, and I realized I was the one suddenly ungrateful for what I had.
“Dad, would you mind if I brought a friend home for the holiday?”
The silence again told me he was working his jaw in concentration.
“Friend is code for the man, right?” he asked quietly, trying to contain his concern.
“Dad…” I dragged out. It was too much to ask. Too much to explain. I didn’t even know where I stood with Levi and bringing him home would make a statement, a statement I was certain Levi didn’t want to make. Not to mention, how could I explain AJ? Here was a single man, with a child of nearly eight months, and only a few months out from his previous relationship. The scenario wouldn’t sit well with my father. When put in perspective, it didn’t sound good to me either.
“Let me talk to Em. She’s not home yet tonight. Daisy had cheerleading.” My younger sister was very active in high school.
“Okay. I gotta go, Dad,” I said, but silent tears trickled down my face again, betraying my need to end the call.
“Okay, baby. Love you.”
“Love you, too.” The click of the phone cut the connection, and I fell back on my bed, silently letting tears take me to sleep.
* * *
I shouldn’t have been upset to go to the scholarship dinner alone. I was used to being alone, but after weeks and weeks with Levi and AJ, my solitude wasn’t as comfortable as it had been before. I ignored Levi’s calls, finally texting him to say I’d just see him at the dinner. I picked up an additional shift at Vintage Vine as I often found inspiration working within the confines of the recycled treasures.
“What happened?” Sidonia asked the moment she saw me.
“Do I look that bad?” I asked, taken aback.
“If you mean, you look like someone drove over your puppy, then yes. But I also recognize a breaking heart.” A caramel colored hand came into my line of vision, and Sidonia cupped my chin. Shaking her head, she tsked. “What did he do?”
“I think it was me.” When I thought I had no more tears, new silent ones fell. “I lost my cool. I just got so angry that he doesn’t see what’s before him. People helping him get a job. His beautiful son. And…” I caught myself.
“And what, Katie Kat?” Sidonia tenderly squeezed my chin, forcing me to speak.
“Me,” I blurted. “He has me. Why can’t that be a prize?” I sighed, frustrated with myself for thinking such a thing.
“Katie, tell me more about this Levi. Why is he so special to you?”
I shrugged at first. “I guess, I like the way…” I closed my eyes as a hundred caresses filled my mind. “I like the way he touches me. He makes me feel alive. I like who I am when I’m around him. We’re comfortable, or so I thought. Maybe too comfortable. And I love his son. AJ is just amazing.”
“Having a child in the mix is risky business.” Sidonia frowned.
“I know!” I exhaled, exasperated. No one knew more than me. I’d heard stories of my father’s hesitancy to accept Emily at first. He didn’t want to risk me, as his child, growing attached to her. But the older I grew, the more I learned he was afraid for himself as well. Was that how Levi felt?
“What’s really happening here?” Sidonia encouraged, and I hung my head.
“I think I’ve built him up in my head. First kiss. Second kiss. Suddenly meeting again. I wanted to believe, I so wanted to believe Levi was here for me. And I’m just a stupid fool. A stupid girl, writing stupid stories of fantasy.”
Sidonia released my face and placed her hands firmly on her hips.
“Who told you your stories were stupid? And when did you start writing?”
I blinked up at Sidonia.
“I’ve always been writing.” I paused. “Well, maybe not always, but I’ve always had the imagination for stories. Fairy tales and fantasy. Knights and heroines. Usually, the female takes the lead, slaying dragons and saving herself.”
Sidonia smiled slowly.
“First, that sounds like a much better story. Who needs a man for saving? I’d only want him for cooking expertise.” She winked. “But also, why is this the first I’m hearing of you writing?” She admonished me like a child, and I shrugged again. I didn’t share my dream with many. Emily knew I wanted to write. Penelope knew of my stories. Anne Johnson, Levi. That was the total of who knew my real ambition. I’d lumped Sidonia into that list without realizing she wasn’t.
“I just thought you knew, somehow,” I added sheepishly.
“Am I ever going to get to read said stories?”
“I guess so,” I offered, suddenly wondering why we were off course from Levi and talking about me.
“No guessing. Gimme, gimme.” She wiggled her elegant long fingers playfully before her and I laughed.
“When I’m home, I’ll forward one to you.”
Sidonia eyed me suspiciously. “You won’t purposely forget, right?” I shook my head and crossed my heart.
“Now, as for the man, making someone into something they are not is dangerous. I know this from experience. You have to let him be him, and you be you. If you are meant to be, it will be.” I closed my eyes. I knew everything she said was true and I internally kicked myself for being a fool. Every fairy tale had the foolish character. How could I forget that? “Making assumptions is equally dangerous. You need to ask him how he feels. Risk telling him about you.”
“It’s not that easy,” I sighed, like a petulant child, faced with my own fears of honesty.
“Love never is.” She smiled slowly.
“Who says I’m in love?” I chuckled, nervously realizing Sidonia was onto me. I was in love with Levi. In many ways, I always had been.
“Now, you’re living a fantasy,” she scoffed, nodded knowingly and winked at me. “Because you’re lying to yourself.”
* * *
I worked the remainder of the evening, and Sidonia gave me the dress, demanding I wear it despite the cancelled date. I couldn’t skip the fundraiser and I couldn’t refuse the offer as I needed formal attire and didn’t own any. The dress still looked gorgeous on the hanger, but I didn’t feel as sexy as I had the first time I tried it on. Apprehension filled me over seeing Levi.
The scholarship dinner was held at the Chicago History Museum, a place I hadn’t visited despite my years in Chicago. Not as popular a museum as the nationally recognized ones, it was filled with history directly related to the third largest city in the United States. Pre-cocktail access allowed us to wander the museum. Dinner would be served in a heated outdoor tent and dancing was scheduled to follow inside the building in the ballroom. I meandered through the museum taking in the history of the elevated train—lovingly nicknamed the “L”—an exhibit on industry, and another on the history of political unrest. Eventually, I found myself inside a tiny alcove with a small club table, two chairs, and the pulsating beat of jazz music. The space was perfectly discrete, a replica of a speakeasy buried under the city.
I took photos on my phone of placards to research later the music of history in the city. It would be a great addition to our project. Spinning slowly, I found a man in a tuxedo, perched against the opening to the small exhibit. His body leaned casually along the wall, ankles crossed, hands in his pockets. Our eyes caught and a small smile fought on his lips. He wore his glasses tonight, looking studious and regal in all black.
“Levi,” I breathed, coughing to cover the dreamy sound coming from my throat. He was an incredibly good looking man. Jeans. Shorts. Tuxedo. He could pull off any appearance.
“You look beautiful,” he said softly, as he continued to lean against the wall. His hands remained in his pockets and I fought the urge to go to him. It had only been two days, but I missed him. I missed AJ.
“How is AJ?” I swallowed the lump in my throat feeling cut-off from the child I’d grown too attached to in the last few weeks.
“He’s fussy, as always.” Levi chuckled and stood straighter, smoothing a hand down the front of his jacket. “He misses you.” The tenderness of his tone forced me to look away. I didn’t want to cry in front of him.
He cleared his throat. “What are you doing back here?” His chin tipped toward the fuchsia pink walls around me.
“Research. There’s great information here.” A sultry pulsing sound filled the small area, and I turned to a video screen projecting a classic singer and the typical jazz band behind him.
“Levi, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” The shrill voice of our fellow classmate Emma came from somewhere behind Levi. I spun to face him, certain the expression on my face gave away the horror of my heart. He’d brought someone else as his date. Suddenly, Emma rounded Levi’s body and stood facing me.
“Katie?” Her eyes passed from Levi to me and back. “Professor Erickson is looking for you, Levi. It’s almost time for dinner, and your speech is first.” Her hand came to his elbow and the sight of her touch turned my vision a deeper shade of fuchsia. Taking a deep breath, I waited, wanting them to walk away first, willing them to leave me to myself for a moment. I only had to make it through dinner, and then I could fake a headache, asking Anne to be excused.
Levi nodded at me and spun along the wall to walk with Emma. I waited for a beat, hidden in the alcove to collect my thoughts. Liquid filled my eyes, and I blinked several times. My fingers trembled as I wiped under my eyes, praying I didn’t smudge the make-up Sidonia had applied. She not only gave me the dress, she helped fix me up. She truly was a fairy godmother. Only I wouldn’t be leaving a shoe behind. My heart already fell to the floor.
Taking another deep breath, I took a few steps toward the exit and rounded the protective wall to find Levi pressed against it. I stopped short, inhaling sharply. Holding my shoulders tight, I attempted to pass without a word, but a thick hand reached out for my wrist, stopping my movement.
“She didn’t come with me.” The words struck me as dirty and inappropriate, but he owed me nothing.
“You don’t need to explain yourself to me.” We had no agreement. I knew Levi’s history. He didn’t want to love, and that included loving me. He wanted sex, but also not with me.
“Katie,” he exhaled, but I tugged on the enclosure of my wrist. “I despise lying, so I’m telling the truth.” He paused. “And I’m sorry.” His voice was so soft that I wasn’t sure I heard him properly. He tugged me toward him and I stumbled on my heels. Colliding with his chest, my hands rose to prevent me from pressing fully against him. His hands came to my shoulders, seductively rubbing down to my elbows.
“I miss you,” he whispered, and I melted. I hated how quickly it happened, but I also sensed Levi didn’t say the words lightly. Then he added, “Do you miss me?” He was a boy again, for just a moment, the one telling me not to look at him like I wanted to kiss him. But it wasn’t about me. It was about him. He wanted to kiss me just as much, and he was suddenly shy. Hesitant. Cautious. I wanted to be brave and hold my head high. I wanted to lie, but I didn’t have it in me.
“Yes,” I breathed, lowering my head as I instantly pinked at my admission. The small curve to his mouth hinted at his relief. A dimple peeked around the curl of his lips. Damn him for being so adorable.
“Join me for dinner?” He leaned forward and kissed the side of my lips. Tender and too brief, I was suddenly starving—for him. He released me and bent his elbow in my direction. Letting him lead me, he escorted me to dinner, but the irony was not lost on me. I too easily let Levi lead and I wanted more control over us.
The white tent, heated and highlighted by gas lamps, gave off a festival feel. The surroundings felt mystic and roaring 20s-ish. The atmosphere was addicting as people in tuxedos and formal dresses mingled with glasses of champagne. I felt like a usurper, completely out of my element, but found balance when I focused on the white tent. I tried to remind myself the tent was the same as the beer tent back home during Harbor Days. This tent represented me, dressed up, but still made of small town fabric. I didn’t belong here amongst these donors, other than my status as the recipient of their generosity.
The moment we entered the tent, Levi was whisked away by Emma who’d been waiting for him. Before he stepped away, he turned back to me and placed another kiss on the corner of my lips.
“Wait for me.” The statement held so much meaning, but I warned myself not to dig too deep. Emma escorted him to the stage, and I found my assigned seat. The crowd quieted, and then Levi was introduced by Wayne. His accomplishments were hailed, celebrating him as a war hero, surviving an ambush, and surpassing the obstacles of losing a limb. Subtle gasps and collective nods passed as if they understood Levi. They sympathized with him, and yet, knowing what I knew, I realized the people of the audience would never understand him.
“Thank you for that generous introduction, Professor Erickson.” Levi nodded at his mentor as he stood behind the podium. Observing Levi, I realized, he had the outer confidence to be anything he wanted. He was like an actor, molding to his surroundings, and I wondered what that said about him when he was with me. “As Wayne just mentioned, I’m honored to have served our country for two tours, stationed in Afghanistan, before suffering a life-threatening injury and returning to the United States.” His eyes hovered over the audience.
“I could speak to you today about the horrors of war. The things I saw. The sounds I heard. But I won’t. My speech is not written to frighten or endear you. I was asked to speak about perseverance, the theme for a current writing contest. Professor Erickson rolled that theme into my current course, forcing me to retell the historical journey of something within this great city. A journey of perseverance. The Great Fire represented here in this museum is evidence this city has heart and determination. I’m thinking I could rename Professor Erickson’s course to Perseverance 414, as it takes strength to put up with Wayne’s lectures, his interjections, and his sidetracks.” Levi smiled over at Wayne and the crowd laughed.
“But in all seriousness, perseverance does not come easily. It involves the basic element of hard work. It includes confidence to achieve a goal and determination to strive toward that end. I think that relates to all of you present. Being a student has a goal. Education. Graduation. Employment. We strive for a dream: to be a business owner, to cure medical conditions, to write fantasy stories.” My head shot up. “We hold those dreams dear to our heart, working hard to achieve an end result, confident we’ll make it. Sometimes, we doubt ourselves. Sometimes others put us down without intending to. If we don’t keep the goal in mind, we falter. We curse. We hesitate. Perseverance keeps us on track. So does assistance. No man is successful in his own right. We need support in our journeys. We need people who believe in our dream. Support our goal. Boost our confidence. That’s where many of you in this room come in. Your support, financially, or with practicality, through internships and mentorships, help keep us on our path.” He paused, fidgeting with note cards on the podium for a moment.
“I had the rest of this speech written and memorized, but recently it came to my attention, that sometimes we aren’t grateful for what we have. I’m not grateful for what I have.” My head lowered and my teeth gripped the corner of my lip. “Despite losing a leg, I have many blessings in my life. Like most humans, I swing the pendulum of confidence and doubt. At times, my path seems unclear. I don’t understand why I survived and my men died. When I woke in a hospital room, transported to Germany without even knowing I’d left the desert, I had the will to live. I screamed it through the medical center. I’m told my perseverance helped me survive. And when I grieved my loss of limb and friends, cursing unseen enemies, and a greater power I no longer trusted, I was told that determination, the cousin to perseverance, saved me. I took no step alone. Although many times, I felt lonely. And even in my darkest hours, I held onto something.” Levi tapped his chest for emphasis and his eyes searched the audience, rapt with attention on him. “Something in my heart that told me, while I didn’t understand the plan, there was a path for me. It took some time, but I found the strength, the energy, to get my education, earn a degree, and endure the struggle to find out what’s next for me.” He chuckled lightly to break the tension he’d built. “Perseverance I’m told is what keeps me taking one step in front of another, and those first steps were difficult. I think moving forward takes heart, something deep inside that drives us. It takes examining our past and deciding to live a future.” Levi paused and stared out into the crowd. “There are plenty of other people, everywhere in this room, equally equivalent to the drive in me. They have the heart to be something. They want a future as I do. They have dreams as I do. And on that note, I want to thank you, the donors, the intern mentors, the professors, for helping us as students, achieve. Thank you.”
Levi turned to Wayne and shook his hand. The crowd stood to applaud and honor his service to our country. I suddenly didn’t have to fake a headache. Guilt ate at me that I’d made him feel bad for lacking gratitude, when he’d already suffered and surpassed so many obstacles. It was a reminder again, that my life had been simple and easy compared to his. I excused myself as my table mates returned to their seats and exited the tent, finding refuge inside the building in the dimly lit ballroom. The band equipment filled one end of the great hall, resting in anticipation of the later evening. At the other end, a stain-glassed window, back-lit from behind, centered the wall. Something drew me to the colorful display, and I stood in a spot where people of great wealth professed love and marriage to another person of equal stature. The hall could be rented for weddings, but I suddenly had a sickening sense that I’d never marry. I’d never find the man of my dreams—my hero—who didn’t necessarily rescue me, but save me by loving me, like Emily did with my father. It was such a silly dream, and I wanted to punch the happy, artistic display within the etched glass before me.
A light tapping of hard-soled shoes drew closer to me, but I refused to turn around. Whomever it was would just walk past me. I’d blend into the background like I tried to as a child.
“You heard my speech, right?”
I spun to face Levi, his hands in his pants’ pockets, his head lowered.
“I…I did. You’re a natural born speaker. They loved what you said. I loved what you said.” Stepping forward, I reached for him but lowered my hands. I hadn’t realized they were shaking. “I didn’t mean what I said the other night. You’ve suffered plenty in life, Levi, and I’m sure you’re grateful for what you have. It was selfish of me to think otherwise. You’re an intelligent man. I know you’ve earned the success you have at great sacrifice.”
“Don’t.” His head snapped upward. “Don’t apologize. And don’t sound like you feel sorry for me.” His hands pulled from his pockets, and one covered his hair, resting on the back of his neck.
“I don’t feel sorry for you,” I said to the floor. “I’m jealous.”
Levi stared at me. “Why?” His voice snarled, and his brows pinched enough to create a crease.
“You have opportunity, leading you in a direction after you finish school. And you have AJ.”
“I…” He stepped forward and his hands covered my upper arms. “Katie.” My name was a plea and a question rolled into one as his forehead came forward to rest against mine.
“I’m sorry,” I said and his lips came to my hair. Holding them briefly against my pounding head, he pulled back and said, “Don’t be.” Our eyes met and held for a moment, and I so wanted to believe he felt the same toward me as I felt for him.
“Why are you in here?” he asked, looking around our empty surroundings.
“My head is pounding. I’m not good at these things. I don’t make small talk well, and I thought I’d leave soon.”
“You can’t leave until you dance with me,” he teased.
“Levi, you don’t have to do this. I’m not staying through dinner, another speech, and dessert. This isn’t me. Small town girl, remember? This isn’t my thing.”
“Katie, dance with me.” I stared at him, looking over his shoulder at the vacant band equipment.
“Now?”
“Now,” he said, stepping into me and slipping a hand around my lower back. His other hand cupped mine, and then he moved us in time to a song in his head. He pressed me closer to him as he slowly spun us, his rhythm choppy but seductive as he held me against him.
“This dress, Katie. You look…incredible.” The word washed over me, renewing the taste of seduction I had the first time I wore it. His hand slid lower on the slippery fabric, temptingly close to the curve of my behind. His mouth came to my neck, and the combination of the coarse hairs on his cheeks and the vibration of his humming tickled my exposed skin.
“Is that ‘Let It Be Me’?” I whispered, surprised that he gently sung one of my favorite songs. He kissed me briefly, a smile on his lips against my skin, and then we twirled. “I love Ray LeMontagne.” Levi only continued to smile, mumbling words into my neck, asking me to let it be him. How did he not know, it was already him? It had always been him, and I’d been waiting a long time.