Levi
I stared at Alicia, still dumbfounded that she was sitting in my apartment. She’d made no move toward AJ, who remained on the floor where Katie set him.
“What are you doing here?” I began, crouching down to hold up AJ. My leg throbbed under the bandages. My other leg trembled from hopping down the stairs. Shaking arms held on to AJ, who balanced himself on the edge of the coffee table.
“You called me, remember?” There was a snip to her tone, one that actually surprised me, since she took my call despite her ban on me contacting her. It was my last-ditch effort. “Tell me about the job.”
Something settled in the pit of my stomach—regret. Deep regret. Alicia’s first questions should have involved AJ. It had been more than four months since she’d seen her son. The changes in his growth and ability should have been her first concern. She refused to acknowledge him or the newly present hearing aids he wore to assist him. Her eyes were trained on me as if willing herself to not look at her son.
A deeper regret came with the memory of watching Katie walk away from me. I should have told her I called Alicia in hopes that Alicia would want to be a mother, and want to care for her child while I chased my dream job. Instead, I’d been selfish and wrong. I’d let go of the woman I cared for, the one who had been good to me and my child, for someone who didn’t deserve to be in the presence of her own son. I let go of the woman I’d grown to love in hopes the woman before me would love her kid. My head shook with disgust. What the fuck had I done?
“The job is with Geographic Digest, an online photojournalist magazine.” I paused, knowing Alicia had heard me speak of this website in the past.
“Photography,” she muttered. The ideal job for me clearly wasn’t Alicia’s idea of productive employment, but when I told her how much money I’d make in the position, my former lover’s attention changed. Reassuring her I wasn’t sticking her financially with AJ, I could see wheels spinning in eyes that once tempted me.
“And I’d travel with you to be the babysitter?” she added. I stared at her, sitting on my couch in her designer jeans and perfect manicure. How had I ever found this woman beautiful when her insides were so ugly?
“Not a babysitter. Be a mother,” I snapped, still holding up AJ, watching him try to stand tall before the woman rejecting him. “And no, you wouldn’t be traveling with me.”
“I’d be stuck at home with him,” she gasped. “Levi, we’ve already been through this. I’m not good at being a mother. He’d need a nanny.”
The oxygen sucked out of me. A nanny? Then what was the purpose of her sitting in my living room?
“Why are you here?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.
Her eyes hesitated, shifting away from me. “Jackson left me.” Her voice lowered with each word. If I thought her previous words took my breath, that statement punched me in the gut.
“So?”
“So, I want to come home.”
There were no words. There was no air. She had to be kidding me.
“Home? As in here?” I choked on the thought. This place was no longer her home. In fact, this apartment had never felt homey. Katie had changed all that. As much as I assured her Chicago was my home, I meant it even more so when she was in my apartment with AJ and me. Her fragrance lingered on my pillows. Her scent was on AJ after she held him. Her shampoo had made its way into my shower. This wasn’t Alicia’s home. This place was for Katie.
“Isn’t that what you wanted when you called me? You wanted me to come back to you?” Alicia asked, sitting straighter on the couch, rubbing her hands frantically down her skinny-jean-covered thighs.
“No,” I choked. “I wanted you to be a mother to our son so I could work. It had nothing to do with us.”
Alicia stared at me, her eyes narrowing. “Don’t you want me back?” Her tone was sharp, reminiscent of all the times she argued with me—whined about my studies, my lack of employment, my staggering potential.
“No.” The word didn’t even struggle to be contained. Emphatic and direct, no was my final answer. I did not want Alicia. I wanted Katie. Katie, the girl from my small town, who stood for everything I shouldn’t want, but suddenly did. Katie, who was home to me more than anywhere else I’d ever lived. Katie, the girl I’d been hoping would wait for me, and now I knew she did. Or she had. She was gone, and it was all my fault.
I set AJ down and used the coffee table to help myself stand. Reaching for the crutches, I struggled to right myself before facing my ex-lover and the mother of my child.
“I think it’s time you go, Alicia. I think it’s time to set things in motion to make our separation permanent.”
“It’s because of that girl, isn’t it? That mousy thing behind you?” Alicia sneered as I’d seen her do at other women who didn’t measure up to her raven-colored hair and deep green-eyed beauty.
“Katie, is more beautiful than you’ll ever be,” I bit, clenching my teeth to emphasize the bite. I wouldn’t let her insult someone who was so pure and innocent and right in my life.
“She can’t possibly give you what we had,” Alicia stated, stepping around the coffee table and reaching out for me. I stumbled back, balancing on the crutches, attempting to withdraw from her touch.
“No, she’ll give me much more than what we had.” And suddenly, shamefully, the words were true. I had more with Katie Carter than I’d ever had with Alicia. More than I’d had with any other woman before that. More than I’d had with my own family members. Katie was more than every person in my past combined.
“You called me, Levi,” she pointed out, reminding me of my mistake. I don’t know why I thought Alicia would help me.
“You need to go, Alicia.” I stepped back, allowing her space. “We can have you legally release AJ and I’ll take full custody. It’s over.”
Her eyes narrowed as she scanned my body. “It never began.” She paced around me without a glance back at her child. I don’t know what stung worse, her dismissal of any attempt at love between us, or her blatant disregard for her son.
* * *
As soon as Alicia was gone, I called Katie.
“Please answer,” I muttered while the phone rang. Getting her voice mail, I spoke. “Katie, let me explain.” After twenty-seven messages like that and fifteen texts with no response, I finally stopped hounding her. AJ needed dinner. I needed to unpack, and that’s when I remembered that our luggage was still in my car. Katie’s bag was in my backseat. I called Mrs. Hubbard next.
I took an Uber to Katie’s apartment and thanked God for the elevator to the third floor. Using my crutches was a pain in the ass, and fumbling on them wasn’t exactly the presentation I wanted to make when I begged her to understand my mistake. I took a deep breath. I had things to say. Things I’d never said to anyone before, and my heart raced in my throat as I pounded on the door. Three hard thumps brought me face to face with a bleach-blonde head of a hair and a dark set of eyes.
“Who are you?” Her Southern accent gave Kentucky away, the roommate I hadn’t met but heard Katie describe as everything Katie wished to be. Taking in her large breasts and long nails, there wasn’t anything about Kentucky I wanted Katie to have. Katie was perfect to me.
“I’m Levi Walker and I’m here to see Katie.” I didn’t wait for an answer as I set the crutches within the entrance, but a fake-nailed hand came to my chest.
“Oh no, you don’t,” she tsked with her deep drawl. “My girl isn’t interested in seeing you at the moment.”
“It’s okay,” a strained voice spoke behind the Southern bodyguard, and I looked over her shoulder to see a defeated Katie. My heart crumbled like a brick wall.
“Katie,” I exhaled, not realizing I’d been holding my breath for the last half hour trying to get here.
“What do you want, Levi?”
Kentucky stepped back as Katie stepped forward. I wasn’t any closer to getting inside the apartment.
“We need to talk.” Katie raised a hand to stop me. “I need to talk.” I swallowed, realizing this would be more difficult than I thought.
“No, Levi, I think I’ll speak instead. I don’t know why you called Alicia. I’d like to understand, with her being AJ’s mother and all, it’s the way things should be. What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me. Why you’d lead me on and go with me to my home.” She choked on the words, and I thought of her family, how kind they had been to AJ and me. Tricia and Leon had treated me like the prodigal son while Emily and Jess welcomed me into the Carter fold. They’d visited me in the hospital. They’d acted like I was part of their family.
“And I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me about the job, a job I was excited for you to apply for and was praying that you’d get.” She paused, inhaling deeply. “I’m so proud of you.” The words stung instantly. They weren’t an insult but a praise. For me. Despite the way I’d treated her.
“I want you to have everything you deserve, Levi.” She paused again, her eyes closing, and I sensed she had something to add, but she shifted to other words. “I wish you the best, but I need you to leave.”
“Katie, I’m sorry.” Her hand rose again.
“I know, Levi, but I deserve the best too. I deserve the fairy tale,” she shook her head slowly. “And you’re always apologizing for not being the hero, but the only time you’ve been a coward is today.” A tear leaked from her eye and I realized how much she’d misunderstood.
“Katie,” I fumbled, forcing the crutches forward and fencing her feet in with the metal. I had things to say. “I’m not sorry for kissing you at thirteen.” My eyes searched her face.
“And I’m not sorry you kissed me at seventeen.” More tears flowed down her cheeks, and I pressed forward, backing her into the couch behind her. Damn these crutches. I leaned forward as Katie arched away from me.
“I’ll never be sorry you made love to me,” I said, lowering my voice as her roommate stood audience to our display. My forehead pressed forward hoping to connect with Katie’s. If she wouldn’t let me touch her, and I had trouble balancing anyway, I needed her to focus on me. Only me. A sob escaped, and Katie covered her mouth with her fingers.
“But you do scare me. I want to give you everything, but I don’t know how. You deserve more than me, I know that, but I want you, only you”
“You’re all I’ve ever wanted,” she whispered, and it broke me.
“Katie, please,” I begged, wanting to add, I love you, but not wanting it to be like this. Not in front of her roommate, not while we were arguing. Katie Carter deserved those words in a better manner than thrown out with an apology. But her head shook and her hand uncovered her lips.
“I need you to leave, Levi.”