Levi
Elk Rapids? Was she fucking kidding me? Had I heard of it? I’d done everything I could to forget it. Everything I could to run as far away from that shithole, dot of a town, as she called it, and all its memories. Yeah, I’d heard of it and I wanted nothing to remind me of it, not even the saucer-sized, blue eyes staring at me like perfect sapphire gems set against pretty, little lashes and a smattering of freckles. No, I definitely did not want her to remind me of that town which I swore I would erase from all memory. Nor did I want her to remember me.
Katie Carter. I closed my eyes for a second, blocking out the blaze of blue innocently beaming back at me. Memories warred within me. Dark places fought for attention I refused to offer. I would not let this ray of sunshine brighten the cobwebbed corners of my mind with her sweet voice and pink lips, lips I vaguely remember as untouched and innocent.
Are you going to be a hero?
The question haunted me, in the same voice questioning me moments before. Why, I cursed heaven, why couldn’t the universe just leave me alone? Why did I select this class in the first place? Oh, right, because my advisor demanded I take something light-hearted and interesting.
After two tours of duty, a medical discharge sent me home near death. Once I regained my health, I decided to cash in on the college degree the United States government promised me. It was the least they could do, all things considered. Here I sat in an elective course, obtaining a graduate degree in history when photography was my real passion. On Wikipedia, under lost soul, sat an image of me. Relief washed over me that she hadn’t recognized me. I wasn’t anyone Katie Carter needed to remember. Thankfully, before I knew it, class ended, and I headed for the shared office of the English and History departments.
“There’s Daddy,” Jeanine cooed as she handed me AJ. I wasn’t an asshole, but I knew how to smile at a woman to get my way. Holding AJ added to the allure. Buff ex-military holding a baby—I had it in spades, and I needed all the help I could get lately.
“Levi, is that a baby in my office?”
Shit.
Dr. Anne Johnson, a perky middle-aged woman with short, dark hair and blue eyes that pierced you with kindness while she insulted your work, stood behind me. She was tough as an educator, sympathetic as an advisor, and supportive as a friend. Her position as my graduate advisor came from a connection between the history and English departments.
“Levi, I love AJ, but you can’t bring him into the office. This isn’t a daycare center. Jeanine has work to complete for the incoming freshman. What’s going on here?”
“Alicia couldn’t watch AJ today, and I just hadn’t lined up reliable babysitting.” Close enough to the truth, it wasn’t exactly a lie. I wasn’t ready to share what happened with Alicia yet.
“Well, get some better daycare,” Anne demanded and then shifted gears. “Have you filled out that application yet?” I shook my head in response and her eyes narrowed on me again. Anne knew I wanted a job with Geographic Digest, an internationally-recognized, photojournalist magazine.
“You’re going to be there on Friday night, aren’t you?” The stare leveled at me wasn’t punctuated with a question mark. It was a demand. Anne planned to introduce me to a major photographer from one of the top newspapers in Chicago who had old ties to the magazine. She suggested a casual affair at a local bar watching a Cubs game. As she turned to enter her office, she yelled back to me. “Fill out that application and get a babysitter. Ask another graduate student. They’re always looking for money and most are pretty reliable.”
* * *
A babysitter? Where would I find one of those? Thoughts of the person who should have been caring for my son surrounded me when I returned to my second story walk-up two miles from campus. As I looked around the sparsely furnished room, now cluttered with baby things, the memory returned, stinging just as it had during the summer.
“Hmmm, Alicia,” I moaned into her neck, moist from her shower.
“Levi, we can’t.” Her hand pushed me back, the firm pressure on my chest a signal all too familiar to me. I stepped back, raising my hands in surrender, but my shoulders sagged in frustration. It had been weeks. Before that, it had been a sporadic six months.
“Alicia,” I groaned, roaming her face for any sign of attraction. The gorgeous girl before me, with her dark hair and darker eyes, ignored my plea, just like she’d been ignoring me since our friends-with-benefits-arrangement took a turn to friends-expecting-a-baby. Alicia wanted an abortion, but I’d witnessed too much death. I begged her to give us a chance. I’d never been in a relationship, and the idea of a baby changed everything.
“It’s too soon,” she whined, giving me her standard answer, sidestepping around me in the small confines of our bathroom and heading for our bedroom. My bedroom, she would remind me, as she moved into my place after she told me we were pregnant.
I watched her dress, admiring the change in her body, but wondering when she would return to the woman she was: the woman who wanted me. The woman who couldn’t get enough of me. It was the perfect arrangement. Sex, and only sex. I only had one rule: don’t abandon me. If she wanted to leave, she just needed to let me know, but the baby changed everything. I wanted to make it work, whatever “it” was, but nearly a year without steady sex was a little extreme.
“Too soon. It’s been too long,” I tried to tease, coming up behind her and pressing my slowly growing length against her ripe behind. She stepped forward, practically dancing around me. I spun with her, reaching for her arm, ready to demand some attention when AJ began to cry. Her shoulders fell and her eyes shut tight. I walked around her and crossed the short distance to the squawking baby’s room.
Cupping his dark head, I scooped him up and cooed into his ear. I wasn’t good at fathering. I relied on Alicia to tell me what to do to care for such a tiny human, but when I held him up against me, my heart calmed. Peace filled me. Nothing ever felt so right as holding him. I spun to return to our bedroom and found an open suitcase on the unmade bed. My eyes flicked up to Alicia, her back to me as she scooped out the contents of a dresser drawer.
“What are you doing?”
“I can’t take this anymore.” She turned, dropping the handful of lingerie into the case without looking up at me. She spun away and started for a second drawer.
“Can’t do what anymore, Alicia?” My heart knew the answer, and my hold on AJ tightened. He squeaked and Alicia shuddered. Her eyes closed momentarily again when she turned and spilled a handful of T-shirts over the lacy delicates I once enjoyed on her and equally enjoyed taking off of her.
“This. Us. Him.” As if on cue, AJ cried, sensing the negative tone from the woman who should have loved him unconditionally. As I jiggled him, his cries grew louder.
“Alicia, please. What are you saying?” AJ squeaked, and I recognized the growing squawk. He was one of three things: wet, tired or hungry. I couldn’t help him with option three.
“I think he’s hungry.” Alicia stilled and stared at me.
“Then feed him, Levi. There’s milk in the freezer.” I stared back at her in disbelief. She had to be kidding me. She was nursing him, and she hadn’t answered my question. What was I missing?
“I…”
“You need to make a bottle and feed him. Simple.” She threw up her hands and briskly walked around me, heading for the closet. Her arms spread to grab a thick pile of clothes, still on hangers. Throwing them over the open case, she folded the two halves, zipping up the side with a sharp tug. The sound lingered, echoing softly in competition with AJ’s shrieking.
“Alicia.” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know how to ask her to stay. She couldn’t leave. She promised me, but then again, I wore a sign that said: Leave Levi behind.
“Levi.” She finally looked up at me and dragged the case off the bed. “I’m done.”
My mouth fell open, stunned. I’d been stabbed in the side, literally. I’d had my leg sliced in two. I’d slept in unbearable heat and known unquenchable thirst, but this, of all things, hurt the most.
The door to the apartment slammed shut, and AJ sensed the finality. He let out a sharp finale to his fit and then stopped, just like my heart. Everyone left me. My mother. My brother. My father. My…I didn’t even know how to quantify Alicia. In that moment, it didn’t matter. I resolved not to feel again.