‘Okay, so here’s a cute story,’ Laurel said when she’d dropped the boys back with their stepdad and we were sitting behind a wine each in a nearby pub. ‘There I am, on holiday with the family, when I see this sign announcing the kids’ favourite author’s in town. Lucky, right?’
‘Laur, I—’
‘So I take them along to get their books signed, and who do I find chatting away to the guy like an old friend?’ She threw her hands up in mock surprise. ‘Only my long-lost stepsister and erstwhile employee Kitty Clayton, who everyone in the family’s been worried witless about for months.’
‘Look—’
‘And then I find out that not only does she know this author bloke, she’s working for him. As his PA. Out of the back of a campervan, no less.’
‘Actually we’re staying with his parents at the moment. Just until the puppies are bigger.’
‘And there’s puppies,’ she muttered to herself. ‘Of course there are. I mean, why wouldn’t there be?’
‘It’s fine, honestly. I know it sounds weird on paper, but… well, okay, it’s pretty weird not on paper too. But it’s where I want to be.’
‘Why though, Kit? What the hell happened that you ended up here?’
‘I told you. Ethan. Honestly, Laur, if you’d been there – I mean, can you even imagine if Andy did that to you? On your fucking wedding day?’
‘You know you could’ve come to me.’ She reached across to take my hand, softening her voice. ‘Why didn’t you? Don’t you trust me?’
‘No, I do, course I do. I just… I had to get away. As far away as I could. Gut instinct.’
‘You’d have run today. If I hadn’t already seen you. Wouldn’t you?’
I dropped my gaze. ‘Yes.’
‘Why, Kit? We’ve always been close, haven’t we?’
The colour in my cheeks deepened. It was so hard to explain it, that fear of being pursued. No, not pursued – hunted. Even the people from my home life that I trusted most felt like part of that world. The one that seemed to be always on my tail, trying to drag me back.
‘I’m sorry, Laur. It’s hard to explain. But it’s really not about you, I promise.’ I gave the hand I was holding a squeeze. ‘It’s good to see you anyway. Missed you.’
‘Yeah.’ Laurel shook her head, as if to clear it. ‘Yeah, you too.’ She scanned me up and down. ‘You look well enough, at least. Your mum’ll be glad to hear you’re keeping healthy.’
That was it. That was the reason. Because Laurel meant Mum, and Mum meant Ethan, and Ethan meant… possession.
I leaned over the table to look earnestly into her eyes. ‘Laurel, please. You have to promise me you won’t tell my mum you’ve seen me.’
‘Eh? Why?’
‘Please. If you love me, just promise.’
‘But she’s frantic, Kitty! Ethan too. He said he’d seen you, and you were… not in your right mind, he thought. That you’d hooked up with some dangerous tramp-looking—’ She stopped. ‘Oh. Duffy, right?’
‘Well yeah. Who else?’
‘Still, Ethan’s half-mad with worry. He’s been looking everywhere for you.’
I just bet he had. God knew what state his bank account was in now, but without my earnings going in every month I couldn’t imagine it was any too healthy.
‘You have to promise, Laur!’ I said, panic ringing through my voice. ‘You have to promise not to tell. You just said I could trust you. Please, do this one thing for me so I know it’s true.’
She looked puzzled. ‘Well, okay, if it means that much to you.’
‘Say it.’
‘I, Laurel Taylor, promise not to tell your mum I’ve seen you.’
‘Or Ethan.’
‘Or Ethan.’
‘Now cross your heart and hope to die.’
She crossed herself solemnly, still with the same bewildered expression.
‘But I don’t get it, Kitty. How did all this happen? How did you end up living in a campervan with my kids’ favourite author? That’s the bit I really don’t understand.’
‘Not 100% sure myself,’ I admitted, finally letting myself relax a little – she had crossed her heart, after all – and taking a deep draft of my wine. ‘Jack Duffy was the guy I told you about. The one who picked me up hitch-hiking, the day of the wedding. Nursed me when I got ill, gave me food and clothes and a roof over my head when I had nothing. Honestly, I don’t know what I would’ve done without him.’
‘And then he gave you a job.’
‘That’s right. Been doing it nearly a month now.’
‘A job for which you’ve got no training or experience.’
‘Well, no,’ I admitted. ‘But it’s straightforward enough now I’ve got my head round it, plus I learnt a lot about the publishing industry when I was at Whitestone that’s transferable. You just need to understand Jack, really.’
‘And you understand him pretty well, do you?’
‘I think so, yeah. Now.’
I examined her face. She looked tired, and a little older than the last time I’d seen her.
‘How is work?’ I asked. ‘No offence, but you look like you’ve been burning both ends of the candle.’
She shrugged. ‘Same old, same old. We’ve got a temp in at the moment, covering for you. Mhairi. She’s not great but she’s very keen to learn.’
‘A temp? Why?’
She smiled sadly. ‘Suppose I was cherishing a delusion my AWOL stepsister might come back to work one day. Just show up at her desk like nothing had happened, and everything could go back to how it was. I didn’t realise she’d moved on to bigger things.’
I squeezed her hand. ‘Oh, Laur, I’m sorry. I really am.’
‘Me too,’ she said with a sigh. ‘So is this going to be your life now then? Just going from place to place with this guy?’
I hesitated. It was something I tried to avoid thinking about unless I had to. The future was an awkward subject with me and Jack for the place we were in right now.
‘S’pose it is,’ I said at last. ‘It’ll be good for me. You know how I always wanted to travel.’
‘But you can’t live like that long-term, can you?’
I shrugged. ‘Why not? It’s no different from those people who live in canal boats, is it? Or, you know, yurts or whatever? There’s all sorts of alternative lifestyles.’
‘Kit, can I ask you a question?’ Laurel said.
‘I guess.’
‘Duffy… he’s your boss, right?’
‘And my friend.’
‘So he offered you a job because he’s your friend.’
‘Well, it’d be nice to think he believed I’d be good at it.’
‘Not for any other reason though?’
I felt my cheeks pinken.
‘Such as what?’ I asked.
‘Okay, if you’re not going to pick up on my subtle hints I’ll just have to come right out with it. Are you sleeping together?’
I was silent.
She groaned. ‘I thought so.’
‘What difference does that make? We weren’t when he offered me the job.’
‘I’m worried about you, that’s all. You’re living cooped up in some tiny van with this man you’ve known for all of, what, three months? Working for him, shagging him… that’s got to get a bit intense.’ Her gaze took on that piercing quality she got from her mum, my dad’s second wife Bernie. ‘Are you in love with him?’
‘None of your business.’
‘Come on, Kit. It’s me.’
‘I… okay, I don’t know,’ I mumbled. ‘It’s early days to be thinking about that. Anyway, it’s not important right now.’
‘He’s a widower, isn’t he?’
‘Yeah,’ I said, frowning. ‘How’d you know?’
She shrugged. ‘Wikipedia. I looked him up before the signing for small talk purposes.’
Bloody Wikipedia. That was my fault. Updating his page had been one of the first things I’d done as his PA, significantly expanding the biographical details from the documents he’d supplied me with.
‘Well, what of it?’ I said, trying to sound nonchalant.
‘I don’t want to see you get hurt, that’s all.’
‘Why would I get hurt?’
‘You can’t compete with a dead wife, Kit. She’ll always be the ideal and you’ll always feel like you don’t measure up. And the grief… it never really goes away, you know.’
I knew she was thinking about Jason, the boys’ dad. A regular in the army, he’d been killed in action overseas when Laurel’s littlest lad, Sam, had been just a baby. I think it had only been the fact she had two young kids that had kept Laurel from curling up in a ball and never uncurling herself.
‘You fell in love again, eventually,’ I said after a moment’s sober silence.
‘I know I did,’ she said, flinching. ‘But it was hard. I almost had to make myself. And the guilt that went with it… I mean, I love Andy to bits, but the pain of falling for him was almost as bad as when the grief was new. I’m not sure I would’ve coped, if it hasn’t been for the bond he’d built up with the boys.’
‘I know, it was hell for you.’ I pressed her hand. ‘But you did it, all the same. Maybe this could be what Jack needs to move on too.’ I thought about Chrissy and Michael, how chuffed they’d been when they’d noticed me and Jack getting coupley – something, by the way, for which they took all the credit. ‘That’s what his parents think.’
She shook her head. ‘Oh no. If you start trying to fix him you’re doomed, love. He’ll only resent you for it.’
‘How do you know?’ I said, a touch of annoyance creeping into my tone. ‘You don’t know him. Jack’s not like that.’
She was silent a moment, watching my face.
‘You are in love with him,’ she said at last.
‘I might be. I’m entitled to fall in love with people, aren’t I?’
‘Hmm. Don’t forget you’ve still got a husband at home.’
My brow lowered. ‘It’s not my home. And he’s not my husband. Not properly.’
‘You know what I mean. You are still legally married to someone else. That’s not nothing, is it?’
I glared into my wine, trying not to picture Ethan’s stupid chiselled face. ‘Only until I can file for divorce. Or annulment, given it was never consummated. Not really sure how that one works but I’ll find out.’
Laurel looked sober.
‘What?’ I said.
She took a deep breath. ‘Look. I don’t want you to think I’m not on your side, okay? You know I am, totally.’
‘But…?’
‘It’s just, Ethan,’ she said with an apologetic grimace. ‘It’s like he’s completely changed, since you’ve been gone. He really is distraught, Kit. Desperate, even.’
‘Good. Serves him right.’
She shook her head. ‘You wouldn’t say that if you’d seen it. Andy’s been taking him out to the pub a few nights a week, trying to get him out of himself, and he says he’s never seen him like this before. He started crying in the Blue Pig the other week. Actually sobbing, in front of everyone.’
I snorted. ‘What, Ethan? I don’t believe it.’
‘Seriously. Andy was totally stumped by it. He’s really worried about what he might end up doing.’
‘Yeah, well. Maybe he should’ve thought about that before he cheated on me,’ I muttered darkly.
‘Bit harsh, Kit. Honestly, I’m not exaggerating. The man’s a mess.’
I glared into my wine. It seemed to me the infidelity alone should’ve been reason enough for Laurel to unequivocally take my part. I really didn’t want to go into the money issues too, and the… I still found it hard to say. The control. The… the abuse I now realised Ethan had subjected me to for years. Not the Uncle Ken kind, but the kind that dresses itself up as kindness. As love.
I couldn’t bear to tell Laurel about it. For all Jack’s reassurances I had nothing to be ashamed of, I still felt humiliated at the way I’d let Ethan control my finances all these years. To see the look of shock on the face of someone who’d been playing big sister to me since I was twelve years old… too much pain, for both of us. I knew there’d be tears; recriminations; blaming herself for not having seen it. It just didn’t seem fair.
But the cheating – God, it was still so blood-raw. It continued to bite, long after the love I’d once had for Ethan had turned into disgust. Not hate, he wasn’t worthy of any emotion that strong. Just a sickening ache in the bottom of my stomach to replace what had once been an almost holy adoration I realised, now, had never been healthy.
In the end, I was glad he’d spent my money. If seeing him with someone else hadn’t been enough to cure me fully, then that was the second kick in the teeth I’d needed to finally start seeing him as he was instead of how I’d wanted him to be. Without that, maybe I’d still be there, trapped in that weird half-life.
‘But is it really totally hopeless? What did you actually see that day?’ Unable to read my thoughts, Laurel still seemed determined to fight Ethan’s corner. ‘If he snogged some drunk wedding guest – okay, that is really bad. But if it was just a one-off… you two were together ten years, Kit. Maybe you can work things out, if you just talk it through. He does really love you, you know, whatever stupid mistake he might’ve made in the heat of the moment.’
‘Yeah, except this wasn’t just some drunk wedding guest.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because this wedding guest doesn’t drink.’ I gave a bleak laugh. ‘Too worried about the calories.’
Laurel was silent for a good minute, just staring at me. I felt quite calm as I sipped my wine. It hadn’t been hard at all, really, to tell someone. As easy as a stab in the back.
Finally she spoke.
‘Fuck,’ she said quietly.
***
‘Congratulations, Kitty.’ My stepmum Bernie bent to kiss me. ‘I wish your dad was around to see you.’
‘So do I,’ I said. ‘And Aunty Julia. I really wanted her to be here.’
‘Couldn’t she make it?’
‘Mum thought it’d be too difficult to sort out wheelchair access to the farm. I told her I’d rather have it somewhere else if Aunty J couldn’t come, but it turned out she couldn’t make it anyway. Well, so she said. I think she was fibbing so as not to make a fuss, personally.’
‘You look beautiful anyway. She’ll burst with pride when she sees the photos.’
I laughed, waggling one of my rubber wellies. ‘I know. I’m like the Yorkshire Cinderella.’
She smiled. ‘Yes, where is the handsome prince? Haven’t given him my congratulations yet.’
I glanced around the large barn, where guests were sitting around on hay bales enjoying champagne or artisan gin from the pop-up bar Ethan had arranged. ‘He’s somewhere around, meeting and greeting. I’d better go find him actually. The photographer wants us on the back of the hay wagon for a photoshoot.’
I left her and went to seek out Ethan. He wasn’t in the barn, which meant he must be outside somewhere.
Lifting my dress so it wouldn’t trail in the mud, I headed outdoors. I couldn’t see anyone other than the photographer, fussing over the hay wagon while he got it ready for me and Ethan, but I could hear a faint buzz of voices somewhere far away. Angry voices.
There was a cluster of trees in the distance, decorated with fairy lights for the occasion. The voices seemed to be coming from over there. I made my way towards them.
As I got closer, the voices started to solidify.
Oh God. It was Mum and Ethan, rowing again. You’d think they could knock it on the head, just for the day. Still, at least they’d had the decency to get themselves out of earshot of the guests before they’d started tearing chunks out of each other.
‘I can’t believe you went for red drapes when you knew Kitty would be in green,’ Mum was saying. ‘She looks like head elf in Santa’s grotto.’
‘What do you care?’ Ethan snapped back. ‘You never wanted this wedding to go ahead in the first place.’
‘I never said that, did I?’
‘Come on, Petra, admit it. You might as well, now it’s too late for you to do anything about it. You’ve never thought I was good enough for her, have you?’
‘Of course you’re not good enough for her.’ I was close enough to see Mum stick her sculpted chin out at a haughty angle. ‘She’s my little girl.’
‘And you’ll never think anyone is, will you? Not for your precious Kitty. Whether I love her or not weighs nothing at all with you.’
I stayed hidden, lurking behind a tree. It was sweet to have Ethan saying nice things about me, and I wanted to hear what he was going to say next.
‘Let’s face it.’ I saw the silhouette that was Ethan grab Mum’s shoulders in both hands. ‘You never wanted a daughter, did you? What you wanted was a miniature Petra. A human Barbie in your own image, to dress up and order around and live your life through when you were getting too old to Botox the years off any more.’
I blinked. Human Barbie… that wasn’t fair. Okay, so maybe Mum did baby me a bit, but that was just her way of showing love. I was about to come out from my tree to defend her when Mum spoke up.
‘How dare you,’ she hissed. ‘How… dare you! Since the day you turned up in our lives, you’ve come between Kitty and her real family. Taking her away from us when she wasn’t much more than a child.’
‘She was sixteen. A woman.’
‘And how old were you? Twenty-four?’ I could hear the sneer in her voice. ‘I’ve always wondered why you couldn’t manage to find a girlfriend your own age.’
‘Because I loved Kitty.’
‘What you loved was getting her away us. From me.’ She scoffed. ‘What was it, a power thing? Men, you’re all the same. Pathetic.’
‘Maybe I did try to get her away from you,’ Ethan snapped. ‘She needs to get away from you. You’re bad for her.’ He lowered his voice. ‘You’re toxic, Petra. As a mother, you’re toxic.’
‘And you’re so much better for her, are you?’ Mum spat. ‘She’s barely had any friends her own age since she’s been with you. You’ve done your damnedest to push away everyone she was close to. Laurel, me – even her father when he was alive. Just so you could keep her all to yourself.’
‘So I could keep her to myself? Oh, that is rich. Oh yes, I like that one.’ Ethan was still holding Mum’s shoulders.‘Why do you hate me so much, Petra? I think me and you should have a little talk about that, don’t you?’
‘You know why.’
‘Yes, I know why. Because I’ve got something you want. Something you want but can’t have, and it’s been eating you for years, hasn’t it?’ I watched him pull her closer until their faces were almost touching. ‘Don’t you think it’s high time you told me what it is?’ he breathed.
‘Kitty.’ Mum’s voice was so quiet it was almost a whisper.
‘Not Kitty. We both know this was never really about Kitty.’
‘Don’t hold me like that, Ethan.’
‘Why? Worried you might start to like it?’
My ability to move had long fled. I just stood behind my tree, transfixed by the horror show unfolding before me. In my heart, I knew what was about to happen. Something I’d rather lose my eyes than see. And yet I couldn’t tear my gaze away. Even then, with Ethan’s face inches from my mum’s, I just couldn’t believe what he was about to do.
‘Let me go,’ Mum whispered. ‘Let me go or I’ll scream. I swear I will.’
‘Go right ahead. I’m dying to make you scream.’
‘I mean it. I’ll scream, I’ll—’
She stopped suddenly, the last word oddly muffled. And even with the glaring sun in my eyes, there was no mistaking why. Those two silhouettes, merged now into a single entity. Oh yes, I could see clearly, too clearly, what had stopped my mum’s speech.
Lips. Ethan’s lips. My husband’s lips.
My stomach heaved, and I fought down a strong urge to vomit.
Ethan! Even while it happened right there in front of me, I couldn’t believe it. And as for Mum… well, there was no screaming. No pushing him away, no slap in the face. She was kissing him passionately back. As I watched, Ethan’s arms twined around her, pushing her body closer into his.
Forcing my senses up through the shock paralysis, I backed away, just as quietly as I’d come. I had to stay calm. At least for now, I had to act like nothing at all was wrong. I had to not throw up.
Outside the barn, Laurel was smoking a sly cigarette away from the judgemental eyes of her mum and husband.
‘You coming in, Kit?’ she asked. ‘Party’s really getting started now. The band are just warming up for another set.’
‘Yeah.’ I smiled with forced brightness, willing my voice steady. ‘Yeah, I’ll be in in a minute. Thought I’d walk around the grounds a while, get some air. It’s all been a bit overwhelming.’ I gave her hand a squeeze. ‘Thanks for coming, Laur. I love you.’
‘Um, yeah,’ she said, surprised at the sudden show of affection. ‘Love you too.’
She stared after me as I started walking.
I walked and I walked, out of the farm, along the little country lanes, stopping twice to vomit as my body finally rebelled against the shock it’d just received. When I was well out of sight, I broke into a run.
I didn’t stop for a good couple of miles, until exhaustion eventually got the better of me. Finally I collapsed by the side of the road, where after a little while a nice man in an orange campervan pulled up to offer me a lift.