‘Go on, admit it,’ I said when we arrived back at the camper late that evening, giving Jack a playful nudge in the ribs. ‘You did enjoy that. You’ve been humming I Dreamed a Dream all the way back.’
‘All right, I admit it. It was… okay.’
‘Is that it?’
‘Good. It was good.’ He paused. ‘Quite good.’
‘Can’t bear to admit I might’ve been right about something, can you? Go on, what was your favourite bit?’
‘Well, the costumes were pretty cool.’
‘That’s it, the costumes?’ I shook my head. ‘Philistine.’
‘Ah, go on. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t fancy me in one.’
I looked him up and down. ‘Dunno. Not sure you could pull off the hat.’
‘Could so. I’d make a great Frenchman.’
‘Yeah? Prove it.’
‘Mais oui, mademoiselle.’ He pulled me into his arms. ‘Zere eez something between urz, Kittee,’ he drawled in an exaggerated French accent, deepening his voice.
‘I had noticed,’ I said, glancing down.
‘Sometheeng biggah zan both of urz…’
‘All right, Pepé le Peu, no need to brag.’
‘Do not attempt to deny it, mon petit chou-fleur! You want me. Certainement, toujours. And other Frenchy French things.’
He flung out my arm and started planting exaggerated kisses along it with a ‘Mwah! Mwah!’ sound.
I giggled. ‘Oh God, please stop. It’s only a matter of time till you say hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hor, isn’t it?’
‘Hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hor.’
‘Here we go…’
‘I warnt you,’ he said, still kissing my arm. ‘I neeed you. I luuurve you, Kittee.’
My stomach lurched when I heard him say those words. I knew it was just play, that fun teasing I loved, but… but that’s all it was, wasn’t it? A game. Who knew if I’d ever hear him say that and mean it, when he was still so damaged by grief?
‘You okay, Kit?’ he asked in his normal voice when he felt me shudder.
‘Course I am. You’re tickling me, that’s all.’ I managed a smile, pushing sombre thoughts away. ‘Come on, you daft sod, stop pissing about being French and take me to bed already.’
‘Thought you’d never ask. I was starting to wonder how French a man had to be to get some action around here.’
‘And thanks, Jack,’ I said in a softer voice. ‘This was just what I needed today. I know you went to a lot of effort to make me happy.’
He smiled. ‘Well. Nothing’s too much for my girl.’
His girl. I hugged myself as I watched him putting up the bed. It wasn’t an ‘I love you’ but it was something.
***
‘So what do you think of Dorset then?’ Jack asked as we lay recovering after a particularly energetic bout of van-rocking action.
‘God, it’s incredible. Those dolphins… it was like being on the Med.’
‘This is the one of the only places I’ve been where the sea’s as blue as it is at home. Wish I could show Wicklow to you.’ He ran a tender finger down my neck. ‘One day, eh?’
‘That’d be nice.’ I leaned up on one elbow to look at him. ‘Sure they’ll let me in, a mudblood quarter-Irish like me?’
He shrugged. ‘Well, it’s not your fault. We’ll try not to hold it against you.’
‘Cheeky.’ I slapped his wrist.
‘Ah, you know I love you really, English.’
There it was again, that word – and it was still just a joke, a throwaway comment. I tried to ignore it.
He bent to kiss the top of my hair. ‘I’m glad you had fun today,’ he said in a softer voice. ‘I wanted to do something for you. To show you how much you mean to me.’
‘It was… perfect. Absolutely perfect. Thank you.’
‘You’re happy then, Kitty? Living this way with me?’
‘Very happy.’
‘No more running away?’
‘Not from you.’ I planted a kiss on his neck. ‘I love you, Jack.’
And there it was. Not a joke, not a tease: the words themselves, hanging right there in the air over our two naked bodies. I bit my tongue hard when I realised what I’d let slip out.
I knew right away it was the wrong thing. I felt Jack tense in my arms.
‘Jack, sorry, I didn’t—’
‘It’s fine, Kitty. It’s… I mean, thank you.’ His voice sounded strange, like the words were catching in his throat.
‘Oh God, now you’re upset. Jack, I—’
‘I said it was fine. Don’t worry about it.’ He rolled to face away from me. ‘Night.’
***
No matter how we fell asleep, spooning, cuddling or however, we always seemed to wake in the same position. Me with one leg thrown over Jack’s waist, fingers thrust into his hair, and him with one arm clamped around my belly, his head snuggled into my chest. The next morning, I woke leg akimbo, my hand where his head would be – but no Jack.
‘Jack?’ I called out. ‘Where are you?’
‘Out here.’
I let myself breathe again. It was ridiculous, but after what had happened the night before I felt uneasy, like he might somehow have disappeared in the night.
When I drew back the curtains he was at the sink with a Brillo pad, scrubbing viciously at a dirty pan.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked.
‘Course. Why wouldn’t I be?’
‘Here,’ I said, patting the bed. ‘We should talk.’
‘Not now. Too much to do. We’re moving on today.’
I yawned. ‘Already? We just got here. Was hoping to see some more of the Jurassic Coast, hunt myself a few fossils.’
‘No time for that.’
I blinked, fully awake now. ‘Jack, why are you acting like that?’
‘Like what? I’m not acting like anything.’
‘You know you are. It’s like you’ve got a fever.’
He was still scrubbing at the pan as if he bore it a personal grudge.
‘Here.’ I stood and prised the thing out of his fingers. ‘Leave off that and talk to me.’
‘Nothing to talk about. We’re fine. I have to walk the dogs.’
‘No you don’t, you have to calm down.’ I guided him to the bed, pushed him into a sitting position on the edge and sat down by him. ‘Talk to me. I can’t live in a box with a man who’s sulking.’
His brow lifted slightly. ‘I’m not sulking.’
‘Then what? Look, Jack, I’m sorry about last night. It’s a bit soon to be saying things like that after… after everything, I know that.’
‘No, it wasn’t – don’t feel bad. Shocked me a bit, that’s all. There’s power in those words.’
I flushed. ‘I know. It’d just been such a lovely day, and you holding me, I felt so happy and safe. Couldn’t help it.’
‘Aww.’ He squeezed my hand. ‘I’m sorry, Kitty.’
‘It’s not your fault. I know it must be hard…’ I took his left hand in both mine, steeling myself. ‘With Sophie and stuff.’
He flinched. ‘Yeah. No one’s said that to me since… well, you know.’
‘Loved her a lot, didn’t you?’
‘I did.’ He bit his lip. ‘I did.’
‘I’m sorry, Jack. I never should’ve said it, I wasn’t thinking.’
‘It wasn’t that.’ He let go of my hand so he could stroke hair away from my face with his fingertips. ‘It wasn’t the words that freaked me out, it was how I felt when you said them. It made me worry I was starting to forget her – like you said about your dad. Made me decide…’ He swallowed hard, and his eyes darted across my features. ‘I’ve been hiding something from you, Kitty. For ages.’
I frowned. ‘Have you?’
‘Yes. Something I should’ve told you, and I – God, I’m such a coward.’ He swallowed again. ‘I love you too.’
My heart jumped in my chest. ‘Jack – you really mean it?’
‘I’ve known for so long, but I felt… I never believed it could happen more than once.’ He pushed his fingers up into his hair. ‘Not that all-consuming love I’d had with Soph. Felt like it shouldn’t happen – as if I’d be betraying her to have feelings that intense again.’ He laughed involuntarily. He still seemed feverish, avoiding meeting my eyes. ‘And now there’s someone else I feel like I want to spend my life next to, and it doesn’t feel like a betrayal, Kit, not one little bit. It feels like… like it’s what she’d want for me.’
I stared for a second, gobsmacked, then flung my arms around him.
‘Jack, sweetheart,’ I whispered. ‘You don’t know much I’ve wanted to hear you say that.’
‘I love you so much. I really do, Kitty. And I’m sorry.’ He held me back from the hug to look into my face. ‘But I have to take you home.’