The wake was at my mum’s house, the traditional post-funeral buffet and booze that in no way softened the blow of losing someone.
‘You don’t have to go, you know,’ Jack said as we climbed back into the camper after the service. ‘Not if you don’t feel up to it. You’ve had enough emotional drain for one day.’
‘No, you’re right: I can’t run away forever. Me and Ethan have got things we need to say to one another.’
‘Okay so.’ He pressed my hand. ‘Be brave, Kit. I’ll be right where you need me.’
‘Like you always are.’ I leaned over to kiss him. ‘Thanks, love.’
‘You are staying, aren’t you?’ he said, shooting me a worried look in the rear-view mirror as he started the engine. ‘With me?’
‘Unless I get a better offer. Best job I’ve ever had.’
‘Kit…’
I smiled. ‘Come on, Jack, you know I’m joking. I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Are you not tempted though? Now you’ve faced your demons here? I know Laurel’s always got open house for you.’ He glanced around the van and sighed. ‘I hate that I can never give you any more than this. That I have to be that guy.’
‘Not even a tiny bit tempted,’ I told him firmly. ‘This is my home now. With you.’
He smiled. ‘Hoped you’d say that.’
He parked a little way from the house and we walked there, hand in hand.
Mum had a large open-plan living room, sparsely decorated, just a huge mirror accenting the pastel-peach walls. When we arrived, the place was packed with Nana’s friends and relatives. It was touching to see such a big turnout.
‘Kitty, ohmygod! Hello, stranger!’ Bernie said when I walked in, beaming at me from under her big black fascinator. ‘Welcome home. Sorry it had to be to bad news.’
‘Um, hi,’ I said, returning her hug absently. I was on auto-pilot, my brain distracted with anxiety about the looming conversation with Ethan. ‘Thank you.’
‘And who’s this?’
‘Jack. A friend.’ I glanced up at him. ‘My stepmum, Bernie.’
Jack smiled and nodded. ‘Nice to meet you.’
‘Hello.’ Bernie shot him a curious look, but she didn’t comment.
‘You gave us the fright of our lives, disappearing like that,’ she said to me.
‘I know, sorry. It was… well, there were reasons.’
‘It was a good hour before anyone realised you were gone. Honestly, the photographer was spitting tacks. He’d spent ages setting up some fancy backdrop for the photos, then what happens? The bride goes missing before he can use it.’
‘He thinks he’s got problems.’ I was only half paying attention. ‘I have to go, Bern. I need to talk to Ethan.’
I soon spotted him, whispering furiously with my mum in the kitchen area. Even at a wake, they couldn’t seem to let up.
‘Me?’ I heard my mum spit as I made my way through the crowd towards them. ‘You’re the one who scared her off! Hugging her like that in front of everyone, causing a scene. What were you thinking?’
‘I didn’t know she’d be turning up with that bloody overgrown leprechaun fuck buddy of hers, did I? You should’ve told me she—’
He stopped when he spotted us.
‘Hi,’ I said quietly.
‘Kitty.’ Mum came forward to hug me. I stiffened, but I didn’t push her away. ‘I’m so sorry, my love. We’ll all miss Nana.’
‘Mum, can you leave us?’ I said. ‘I need to say something to Ethan.’
Mum frowned. ‘What do you need to say to him?’
‘That’s not your business. I’m sorry, but it isn’t,’ I said, noticing her hurt expression.
‘I’d better go too,’ Jack said. ‘Give you some privacy.’
Mum shot him a look. ‘I should think you had. I don’t remember inviting you into my home.’
‘Your daughter invited me. Problem?’
I shook my head. ‘Just go, please. Both of you.’
‘You know where I am,’ Jack said, squeezing my shoulder as he turned to leave. Mum hesitated a moment longer, regarding me and Ethan warily, but eventually she strode off to mingle with her guests.
When they’d disappeared, Ethan seized both my hands, his eyes flaming with eagerness.
‘Kitty, darling—’
‘No darling. Not any more,’ I said, drawing my hands away. I took the cheque from my pocket and held it up before him. ‘What’s this, Ethan?’
‘What do you think? It’s your money. Well, some of it.’
‘But why now?’
‘You think I haven’t been thinking about it? What you said, last time I saw you?’
‘What, about the money?’
‘No, not about the money. Fuck the money, who cares about that? About you.’ He stared at the floor. ‘About how I’d driven you away. You were right, Kitty. It was wrong for me to monopolise you the way I did. I see that now.’ To my amazement, he gasped out a sob. ‘I suppose it was the thought of losing you that made me behave that way. And then you seemed so vulnerable, so naive about life – I wanted to protect you from the bad things, you know? Maybe… maybe I went too far.’
‘Ethan—’
‘You’re not a child, I know that. I am sorry, genuinely. And I’m sorry for how I behaved, last time I saw you. I never meant to scare you. I was worried you were in danger, that’s all.’
‘So what are you saying?’
‘I’m saying I’ll pay back every penny that should’ve been yours. No matter how long it takes. I’ve had some luck with the shares, some of them are paying out now – it’s all yours. And anything you want from the house, anything of mine… whatever I can do to make it right. You don’t have to come back to me. I just want to make it right.’
I blinked in surprise. ‘But why? Why now?’
He flushed. ‘I want – okay, don’t laugh at me. But you’ve been gone a while, and I’ve been thinking all that time. I want to be a good man, Kitty. I don’t want to be that man.’
A good man. I thought about our wedding day. Those silhouettes… and again, the rising nausea. The man who was capable of that could never be a good man.
The problem was, I didn’t know any more if that was a memory to be trusted.
‘What man?’ I asked quietly.
‘The man you ran away from. The man you looked at with fear in your eyes the day you came for your passport.’ He shuddered. ‘With hate.’
‘I don’t hate you.’
‘No.’ For the first time, the ghost of his old smile flitted over his lips. ‘You couldn’t, could you? You could never hate anyone. My baby girl.’
‘Please don’t call me that.’
‘Sorry. Sorry. I’m just… I’m learning. I want to be the good guy, Kitty. I just need someone to help me, I think.’ He lowered his voice to an appealing whisper. ‘Will you?’
I stared into his eyes. They were so earnest. So full of pleading. He really sounded like he meant it.
‘No,’ I said at last.
‘What?’
‘No.’ I shook my head to reinforce the point. ‘I want to believe you, Ethan. I want to believe you’re capable of being one of the good guys. But if you do, you have to do it for your own sake. I can’t be part of it. I’m sorry.’
‘Kitty? I don’t understand.’
I held up the cheque he’d given me. ‘This. How many instalments do you reckon you owe me?’
“God, I don’t know…’
‘So it’s an instalment in an amount you haven’t actually worked out?’
‘Well, I thought you’d—’
‘Okay, I’ll work out an estimated figure when I’ve got my laptop and you can see if it sounds about right. Then once it’s all paid off, we can call it quits.’
‘Kitty, please!’
‘Do you want to be a good man, Ethan? Or do you want to convince me you’re a good man? Because those’re two very different things.’
His face crumpled. ‘When did you get like this? You’re so hard.’
I softened slightly. ‘Honestly, I’m not trying to hurt you. I just finally worked out what I need in life. And I’m sorry, Ethan, but it’s not you. I told you last time I saw you and it still stands: I want a divorce.’
‘Now come on, baby,’ he said in his most wheedling tone. ‘I’m your husband, in law. We were together ten years. Isn’t that at least worth trying to save? I’ll do things all your way this time, I promise.’
‘Too little, too late,’ I said, echoing Jack’s words at the funeral. ‘You’ve had the last decade of my life to be a good man. Now, if you mean it… well, it has to be down to you.’
‘Well I know that, don’t I?’ He let out a forced laugh. ‘You know, this is so silly. So you.’
I blinked. ‘Is it?’
‘Can’t get your own way so it has to be an ultimatum. You’re such a child sometimes.’ He leaned forward, and before I could object he’d planted a kiss on my lips. ‘It’s all right. I know what’s behind it. You were desperate, you had nowhere to go. I won’t hold it against you if me and you… you know.’
I shook my head, confused. It felt like I was having a completely different conversation to the one Ethan was apparently having.
‘Sorry – won’t hold what against me?’
‘I know you must’ve felt like you had to earn your keep. Your mum told me you’d been living with him.’
‘Earn my…’
‘Slept with him, didn’t you? You were all alone and you were vulnerable and that bastard took advantage.’ He shot a scowl at Jack. ‘You’re home now, Kitty. No need to be afraid of him any more.’
‘Afraid of him? I’m not afraid of him! I—’ I broke off. ‘He didn’t take advantage of me, Ethan.’
‘So you’re not sleeping with him?’
I flushed. ‘What I’m doing, I’m doing because I want to.’
He curled his lip. ‘Oh God. Then you are.’
‘Ethan, I want a divorce. Do you hear me?’ I said it again, slowly so the words would hit home. ‘I want. A. Divorce.’
His pale face sagged. He looked half broken, but I willed myself strong. Don’t let him make himself the victim… don’t let him get under your skin.
‘Why though? What did I do, Kitty?’
‘You know what you did. You manipulated me and isolated me. Stopped me learning to drive, took my money, shut down my friendships. That’s what you did, Ethan.’
‘I told you I’ll change. And I will pay the money back, all of it.’
I shook my head. ‘It’s not just the money. For ten years, you controlled every bit of my life, made me dependent on you to the extent I felt incapable of fending for myself, and it was only when I finally managed to get away from you that I realised how fucked up the whole thing was. Do you see that?’
‘Baby, everything I did, I did because I loved you,’ he said, desperation creeping into his voice. ‘I didn’t mean to take your money. It just seemed best if I took care of it for both of us.’
‘You spent it, Ethan! You invested it without telling me and you lost the lot. How is that taking care of it?’
He flushed. ‘Okay, it was a gamble. I was just trying to build a little nest egg for us. Secure our future.’
‘That’s not a decision you get to take alone! I was an adult and that money was mine.’ I shook my head. ‘See, this is exactly what I mean. You, always “doing what’s best” for me where other couples have conversations.’
‘Kitty, please.’ He drew a deep breath. ‘Look, we can discuss this. I’m sure we can work things out, go to marriage guidance or something. Maybe even… I mean, if you want to have that conversation again, we could talk about kids.’
‘Kids?’
‘If you still want them. Just please, Kitty, don’t do this. You’re my wife, for Christ’s sake!’ He seized my hands, pressing them hard – too hard. ‘I love you, hear me?’
I yanked my hands away. ‘I’m sorry, Ethan. I don’t.’
‘Oh God.’ He looked frantic now. ‘You don’t love him, do you? You’re not leaving me for some bloody gypsy who lives in his car?’
‘No,’ I said, perfectly calmly. ‘I’m leaving you for me. I won’t be owned, not any more. I won’t be a toy. It’s time I found out who Kitty Clayton is and what it is she wants.’
‘You’re such a brat, you know that?’ he snapped, his voice switching to anger in an instant. ‘Always have to have your own way, don’t you? You were spoilt and petted from the day you were born, it’s ruined you. Mummy’s little fucking princess.’
I could feel myself starting to tremble, a learned response to his anger, but I forced myself to stay strong.
‘Keep your voice down,’ I muttered. ‘You can call me whatever names you want, it’ll still be over. And I want a divorce.’
‘Well I won’t grant one.’ He folded his arms triumphantly. ‘What do you say to that?’
‘You can’t make me stay with you.’
‘But I can make life bloody difficult for you. What’re you living on anyway?’
I flushed. ‘None of your business.’
‘You won’t get a penny, you know. It’s in my name, all of it. I’ll get that cheque stopped long before you’ve had chance to cash it.’
Ah, there he was, the real Ethan. So much for wanting to be a good man.
‘You’ve got no control over the money my dad left.’
That threw him. He’d obviously forgotten the ISA was in my name alone, my dad’s final legacy to stop Ethan making me completely dependent on him.
‘Shit,’ he muttered.
‘Why’re you being like this?’ I demanded. ‘Just to hurt me?’
He softened his voice again. ‘Because I need you, Kitty. I’m sorry I shouted: I was scared, that’s all. Scared of losing you.’
I shook my head in disgust. They were so obvious now, the controlling tactics. First softness, then pleading, then anger, then repentance: the same cycle, over and over. How could I ever have let them get to me?
‘God, will you just hear yourself? It’s over, Ethan. And one way or another, I’m getting that divorce.’ I was glad he’d got me mad. It made it so much easier. ‘I don’t care how long it takes: I want you out of my life.’
I marched away, winner of the field, leaving Ethan blinking after me.
‘Well done,’ Jack whispered when I’d sought him out by the buffet table.
‘Oh God, could you hear from across the room?’
‘No, but the body language was pretty hard to get wrong. I liked the turning on your heel with quiet dignity at the end there.’
‘Thanks. Thought I was going to wee myself.’
‘Okay, you’ve ruined it now.’
‘Can we go, Jack? I need to get out of this place.’
He squeezed my hand. ‘Course we can. Whenever you’re ready.’
I exhaled with relief. ‘Great. I’ll just nip to the loo then I’ll meet you outside. I want to slip out without my mum seeing, if I can. I’m all confrontationed out for today.’
I headed upstairs to the bathroom, a dreamlike sense of calm prevailing.
When I passed my old bedroom, I couldn’t help myself. I poked my head round the door to have a look.
Mum hadn’t been lying. She’d got the bed ready, a new duvet with a pretty Chinese pattern spread over. On the shelves were some of my favourite books, colour-blocked to keep it tasteful, and a little dresser bore a couple of framed photos. Everything was pristine and untouched. It looked like a shrine to someone who’d died.
I went in and stared at one of the photos. I must’ve been about seven when it was taken, dressed as a Martian, my brown hair dyed green and a pair of big buggy glasses over my eyes. I think I’d been on my way to a Halloween party. Mum had her arm round me, beaming. Her hair was its natural brunette then, but thanks to the facelifts and injections she’d become addicted to in recent years, she didn’t look that much younger. Although it’d been a long time since she’d been able to smile that broadly.
The picture looked familiar, and yet… there was something wrong. I took it off the dresser and opened the back of the frame.
Part of the photo had been folded back so it wasn’t visible. The part that showed my dad, standing proudly on the other side of me. Mum, reinventing the family to suit herself. It wasn’t the first time.
‘I got you some clothes too.’
I dropped the photo with a guilty start. Mum was at the door, watching me.
‘I wasn’t—’
‘It’s okay, angel. It’s your room. Go in and explore, if you like.’
‘I just… I’m not staying, Mum. I’m going with Jack.’
‘Oh, never mind Jack,’ she snapped. ‘How can he be what’s best for you? You barely know him.’
‘I know he’s on my side.’
‘He’s a user, Kitty. He wants you for one thing and one thing only. That’s all men understand, they can’t help themselves.’
‘Not Jack.’
‘I don’t see what makes him so much nobler than the others.’ She came over and took my hand; held it against her cheek for a second. ‘I’m the one who’s on your side. I’m your mother.’ She softened her voice to its most dangerous croon. ‘Come back home, darling, where I can look after you.’
She was trying hard to hide it, but I could feel the eagerness underpinning her words. Or no, not eagerness; something more than that. Hunger.
I blinked at her.
‘I need the loo,’ I said at last.
‘I’ll be right here,’ she called after me.
In the bathroom, I splashed water on my face and patted my cheeks a few times to sharpen my dazed senses. Jack was waiting for me. I had to get to him. Mum was… it was too easy to let her persuade me to things I really didn’t want.
I scanned my face in the mirror. It was pretty haggard: not surprising after the day I’d had. Pale as a Tussaud’s waxwork, as my nan used to say. My mascara had smudged, probably during the confrontation with Ethan, and I was looking distinctly panda-like.
A packet of wet wipes sat on the ledge behind the sink. I went to reach for one, then stopped suddenly, frowning.
There was some aftershave next to the packet, a little black bottle with embossed gilt writing. The expensive stuff. Stuff that had no place in a single woman’s bathroom.
I recognised the bottle. I recognised the brand. When I unscrewed the lid to give it a sniff, I recognised the rich, spicy smell. I recognised it because for ten years, an identical bottle had sat in my own bathroom, where Ethan had splashed it liberally on his cheeks before work every morning.
‘Shit!’ I whispered. ‘They fucking did, didn’t they? Those… bastards!’
‘Everything okay, angel?’ I heard Mum call.
‘Um, yeah,’ I yelled back, forcing my voice steady. ‘I’ll be out in a minute.’
The hell I would. I needed to get out of there. Suddenly, I knew that what I’d thought I’d seen was exactly what I had seen. I had to get away; I had to find Jack…
Right. Okay. I’d done it before, I could do it again. With a few injuries, yes, but pretty minor ones, all things considered. And Jack said they’d given me a tetanus jab in the hospital, so what was the worst that could happen?
I turned the taps in the sink on full blast to cover the noise of me opening the window. I wasn’t going to bother turning them off. If Mum’s house flooded, good. Serve her bloody well right.
I glanced down at the ground. It was a long way to the back garden, and the drainpipe didn’t look quite so solid as the last one I’d climbed down. This one was plastic. Still, it seemed sturdy enough when I gave it a shake.
‘Okay. Here we go,’ I whispered to nobody in particular. I climbed up onto the ledge, pocketing Ethan’s aftershave as an afterthought, and swung myself out.
‘Bollocks!’
The plastic drainpipe was starting to detach itself from the wall. I could feel it coming away under my fingers.
‘Kitty! What’s the matter?’ Mum battered against the bathroom door with her palms. ‘Kitty!’
‘Help! I need some help, quick!’
I don’t know what happened then. The house seemed to fall away, there was a white flash of pain, and suddenly everything was dark.