‘I’m sorry?’
‘Time to go home, Kitty. Time to end this.’
‘But you just said… I thought, thought we…’
‘I can’t ask you to live like this forever, can I? I do love you. Enough to realise it’s not fair. I was awake all night, forcing myself to think about the future, me and you, and I—’ He flinched. ‘Remember when I told you what felt right wasn’t always what I wanted?’
‘But this doesn’t feel right – not to me!’ In their bed, the two dogs pricked up their ears. ‘This is my home now.’
‘You’ve got a home with your mam I can take you to. I mean, your real mam.’ He swallowed hard. ‘One where you can start building a proper life.’
‘But that’s my choice! I want to stay with you, like you asked me to.’
‘I never should’ve asked. It was wrong – it was selfish. I tried to convince myself that if you wanted it then it must be okay, but…’ He stroked the back of my hair, an expression in his eyes that was equal parts anguish and tenderness. ‘You’re young, Kit. You’ve got a life to make. Travelling round, it’s fun for a bit, but you’ll not want to do it forever.’ He pinched his eyes closed, and I saw him swallow another sob. ‘Oh God, I wish I could keep you. I’ll miss you so much.’
‘You can – you can keep me! Why are you doing this, Jack?’
‘Where do you want to be in a year? Five years? Ten? Don’t you want a house, a family, all that stuff?’
‘I… don’t know. I want you, that’s all.’
‘You will. You’ll want all those things, one day, and I can’t give them to you.’ He flinched, struggling with powerful emotions. ‘Life’s just beginning for you, now you’re rid of your mother and Ethan. I helped you get free of them, and now… now I have to let you go, don’t I? I can’t drag you back down again because it’s what suits me or I’d be just as bad as them.’
I stared at him. ‘And this is different, is it? Making decisions for me, calling all the shots? It’s my life, Jack. My choice.’
He shook his head. ‘But you’re not seeing things straight. You’re in love – for the first time, in the real sense of the word. It’s blinding you.’
‘You patronising bastard,’ I whispered. ‘Who are you to tell me what I want? Do you think I’m a child, that I—’ I broke off to gulp down a sob.
‘Then tell me you never think about that stuff,’ Jack demanded. ‘Tell me you’ve never wondered about kids. Can you do that?’
‘That’s… far away.’
‘So you’ve never thought about it.’
‘No, I – it’s not for now, is it? We only met six months ago. You don’t just dive into the baby conversation.’
‘We need to. Because I can’t give you that, Kitty. I can’t give you any of the things you want. Someone else can, but…’ Another little sob.
‘What is it with you?’ I yelled, giving in to the anger bubbling up inside. I took his hand and pressed it impatiently. ‘Those things you think I want. Don’t you want them? I know you did once before, and you’re young too, Jack. You can’t think you’ll still be living like this when you’re seventy.’
‘Stop it, Kit.’
‘Running away won’t make things right for you.’ I sought his gaze. ‘It won’t bring her back.’
‘I said stop it.’
‘You think she’d want this? To see you going from place to place the rest of your life, lonely and unsettled, when there’s a chance of happiness? Sophie’s dead, Jack. You hear me?’
‘Stop it! Please.’
‘I won’t stop it. She’s dead, and you need to get over her and you need to move on. I’m sorry but it’s true. And if she really gave you hell like I give you hell, then I know it’s what she’d want.’
‘Stop saying those things! You’re killing me, Kitty.’ He jerked his hand away. Standing, he turned from me and raked his fingers through his hair. ‘I didn’t expect you to fix me. You’ll not be able so don’t try.’
‘Then fix yourself. God, you pretend you’ve stripped all the borders off your life, that you’re so fucking free, but it’s an act, isn’t it? You’re more trapped than anyone.’ I stood too. ‘If you want me to go home to Julia’s, fine. But I want you to come with me.’
‘Don’t I wish I could?’ He turned to me, and his eyes were full of tears. ‘It’s not that easy, Kit.’
‘I know it isn’t. But we can work at it, me and you together. You slept in the bothy, didn’t you? And maybe with time, professional help…’
‘It’s no good. It’s too late for me.’
‘No it’s not! You just won’t try, that’s all!’
‘Try what? To drag you down with me, make you miserable, after all the shit you’ve been through already? How could I do that to someone I—’ He broke off and reached down to pet Sandy, who’d sidled up to his calf. ‘Poor little girl. We’re scaring her.’
‘We’re scaring me.’ I glanced at the little dog. ‘Always rescuing things, aren’t you, Jack? Everything but yourself.’
‘Because I know that’s the one thing I can’t rescue.’
I tried to bring him into focus through the tears pooling in my eyes and dripping unchecked down my cheeks.
‘You’re not really going to do this thing, are you?’ I whispered.
‘Have to.’ He blinked hard and turned away. ‘Get packed up, Kit. It’s a long drive.’
And that was it. Cajoling, pleading, begging him to talk about it, sleep on it, anything: he wouldn’t be moved.
I was going home.
We didn’t speak at all during the seven-hour journey up to Wastwater. Occasionally I heard Jack choke on a sob, and once, just once, I gave in to the instinctive need to comfort him and reached out to cover his hand. But the silence remained unbroken until we finally pulled up outside Aunty Julia’s – and that happened all too soon.
He leaned over to kiss my cheek. ‘Goodbye, superhero Kitty Clayton. I’ll miss you. I love you.’
‘Then don’t do this.’ I turned wet eyes on him. ‘Please, Jack.’
‘I have to. You deserve more than this. Than me.’
‘You don’t think that’s up to me?’
‘It’s up to both of us. I have to choose what’s right, Kit; I couldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t. Neither could you, you know – not deep down.’
I snorted through my tears. ‘Yeah. You’re a real fucking hero.’
‘I know,’ he said, shoulders drooping. ‘But hating myself for hurting you is nothing compared to how much I’d hate myself for ruining your chance at a proper life.’ He choked on a sob. ‘I just… I’m too broken. I can’t break you too.’
I couldn’t answer. The tears were strangling me.
He glanced back into the camper, where Muttley was curled up with her mum. ‘She’s your baby. You want to take her?’
I stared at him in disbelief. ‘You wouldn’t split them up?’
‘I don’t want to,’ he said, looking ashamed. ‘I just don’t like the thought of you alone.’
‘No thanks. I’m not taking her off Sandy to silence your guilty conscience.’ I wiped my hand across my eyes and opened the door. ‘Not everyone has to be ripped from the things they love, Jack.’