All talk of Snowdonia was put on hold. Jack knew exactly where our next destination needed to be. After stopping in to say a quick goodbye to Laurel, Andy and the kids, the following morning found us on the road again, heading for the picture-postcard beauty of Wastwater.
‘Does she know you’re coming?’ Jack asked as we hurtled towards the Lakes.
‘No. I don’t want her to think something’s up.’
‘But something is up.’
‘She’ll find that out when I get there.’ I frowned. ‘Why’re you slowing down?’
‘Just something I want to get a look at.’ He nodded to a nondescript field we were passing, lined with drystone wall. ‘There. Look familiar?’
‘Why, should it?’
He shook his head. ‘No romance in your souls, you Yorkshire girls. That’s where we first met. Remember? You were slumped against that bit of wall, sobbing your heart out?’
‘Oh yeah.’ I blinked at it. ‘God. Life’s changed a lot since then.’
‘And for me.’ He glanced at a road sign. ‘Another two hours and we’ll be there.’
Finally, we pulled up outside Aunty Julia’s little whitewashed cottage. I hadn’t seen it since the day of my doomed marriage.
‘I’ll wait in the van,’ Jack said. ‘Let you and your aunty talk. Come get me if you need me.’
‘Thanks.’ I patted my pocket, where I’d stored the copy of my birth certificate, and drew a deep breath. ‘Okay, here goes.’
He planted a kiss on my cheek. ‘Good luck, Kit.’
I rapped smartly on the front door, then waited for Aunty Julia to answer. It seemed to take her longer than usual.
I knew as soon as she opened it that news had been spreading. She looked anxious, and that increased tenfold when she saw it was me. She’d been talking to Mum.
‘Kitty. You’re here.’
‘Well-spotted,’ I said, summoning a watery smile.
‘How’s your head, dear?’
‘Much better, thanks. Can I come in?’
She hesitated, and for a minute I thought she was going to say no.
‘Of course,’ she said at last. ‘I was just making some lunch.’
Inside, I took a seat on the comfy chair. Aunty Julia wheeled herself into the open-plan kitchen and started bustling away with her back to me, fretfully clearing up crockery in a jitter of nervous energy.
‘Did I tell you about Robin down the road?’ she asked, speaking very fast, then went on without waiting for an answer. ‘He’s finally marrying her, the live-in one – well, not before time. Oh, and Pat’s back on the bottle, I heard – I mean, literally, straight from the bottle, Donald saw her. Carrie’s expecting another, this’ll be the fourth baby in five years, I think she’s starting to feel it now—’
I held up a hand to halt the barrage of gossip. ‘Okay, stop. I didn’t drive over for the monthly newsletter of the Wasdale Curtain Twitchers’ Society.’ I beckoned her over. ‘Come here, please.’
‘Just a moment, dear.’ She was still faffing with a pile of plates on the draining board.
‘I need to talk to you.’
‘Would you like some strawberries, Kitty? I just rinsed them for lunch.’
I gave in. ‘Okay. If you need me to have strawberries before we can have a conversation, then yes, I’ll have strawberries.’
I watched her as she took a couple of bowls and started dividing up a punnet of strawberries between them, counting them out with childlike precision. One for me, one for her. One for me, one for her. There were an odd number, so she sliced the last one precisely in half.
‘You can have the big half,’ she said, though to me the two halves looked identical.
‘Are you done?’
She sighed. ‘I suppose I am.’
She wheeled herself back to me and handed over my bowl of strawberries. ‘Sweet and plump, just like me,’ she said with a shy smile. ‘They were your favourite, back when I used to make our picnics. Your dad’s too.’
‘Which dad’s?’
She flushed. ‘So it’s true. You do know.’
I fished in my pocket for the birth certificate and handed it to her. She stared at it for a good minute. Eventually, I heard her let out a little sob.
‘I wasn’t a mum for very long,’ she whispered. ‘But when I see my name there, it’s still powerful.’
I stretched an arm around her and rested my crown against hers.
‘Why?’ I said quietly.
‘How could I keep you? I couldn’t walk, Kitty.’
‘That doesn’t matter. Lots of people who can’t walk are mums.’
‘It mattered when he was alive,’ she muttered darkly.
‘Uncle Ken?’
She nodded slightly. ‘I couldn’t bring a baby into that. Couldn’t bear the thought of him hurting you and me not being able to stop it. When I think of what he did to me…’ Her voice broke in a sob. ‘No, Kitty. No.’
‘Did he know?’
‘Of course he didn’t. He never even knew I was pregnant. I went to stay with your nana until it was all over.’ She let out a hard laugh. ‘Oh, he didn’t like that, letting me get away from him. It was the one time I stood up to him.’
‘Nana knew?’
‘Yes, dear. I did worry, when she got poorly, that she might let it slip one day. But whatever else she forgot, I think she always remembered what she’d promised me the day you were born.’ She smiled sadly. ‘You were a beautiful baby, Kitty. It broke my heart to give you up.’
I blinked back a tear.
‘Where did Ken think you were?’ I asked.
‘I told him I’d been referred to a special treatment centre for a course of muscle therapy. I don’t know if he ever believed me, but I wouldn’t come home, and I wouldn’t let him see me. Not until I’d handed you safely to Grant and Petra.’
‘Dad never told me…’ I muttered, half to myself.
‘I made him promise, just like your nana. I couldn’t bear for Ken to find out you were his.’ Her brow lowered. ‘No child should have to live with that sort of abuse.’
And yet I had lived with abuse, of a different kind. The emotional abuse I now recognised my mum had subjected me to for years. A handy training course to get me ready for Ethan to do exactly the same thing.
‘I knew Grant would take care of you,’ Aunty Julia said. ‘Give you a good life. The kind of stable, loving home I wanted my baby to have.’
‘But my mum…’
‘Yes, dear?’
Her eyes were wet through. She’d taken my hand and was gripping it hard, her thumb brushing fervently over the fingers. Just like Mum used to do when I was upset – my other mum, I mean.
‘Nothing,’ I said at last. ‘We’ve had a bit of a row, that’s all.’
‘She didn’t say anything. Was it about me?’
‘No. About Ethan.’
‘Do you need me to talk to her?’
‘You can talk to her if you like. I won’t be. Not for a long time – ever, I think.’
She looked concerned. ‘What was so bad, dear?’
‘It doesn’t matter. It’s done with now.’ I lifted her chin and kissed her forehead. ‘Come on. Let’s take our strawberries and go eat them by the lake. I’ll get Jack and the dogs. I’d like you to get to know them better before we go again.’
‘That sounds nice.’ She put a hand on my arm to stop me standing. ‘Who is Jack, Kitty?’
‘He’s my… friend. My friend that I live with.’
‘Do you love him?’
‘Yes,’ I said simply. There didn’t seem much point skirting around it. ‘I love him very much.’
‘And he loves you?’
‘I don’t know. He lost his wife, and now he… I’m not sure how he feels about me. He’s fond of me, certainly. And he wants me with him.’
‘Be careful, won’t you?’
‘I will.’
‘You know you’ll always have a home here, if you ever need one.’ She flushed. ‘With your mother. If you want to think of me that way.’
‘Thank you. I do want to think of you that way.’ I flung my arms around her. ‘Maybe I always did.’