Chapter Nineteen: Wyatt

I paced my apartment long after Hailey and Noah had left.

I had watched her taillights disappear and fought the urge to call them back. There was so much we still needed to discuss. So much I felt.

For her.

For him.

I also knew that Hailey and I needed some alone time to hash this out the right way.

The turbulent mixture of emotions made it impossible for me to sit still especially when it felt like the walls of the apartment were closing in on me.

It didn’t take me long to admit to myself what the real issue was. I missed them – both of them - and not even thirty minutes had passed since they left.

The somber emotion forced my anger into the back seat and for the first time in so many hours, my thoughts weren’t fueled by the heated force of it.

I still couldn’t believe that Hailey had kept such a vital piece of information from me. Yet the more I thought about it, the more I could see her point for view – at least initially.

I had mentally tapped out after my father’s death. It was like hitting an emotional wall I couldn’t climb over no matter how hard I tried. Or how hard she tried. Dad and I had never had a great relationship and I had been resentful of the fact that he was gone for so long so often with his time in the military. To me, it felt like his squad was more his family than we were.

With his death though, I felt that I had to follow in his footsteps. To see what he saw. To do what he did. To feel what he felt. To understand why he chose his country over me and my mother.

In the end this desire had made me turn away from the woman I loved, unknowingly in a time when she needed me most.

All my anger wasn’t directed at Hailey. Some of it was directed at my God damned self. I didn’t regret my time of service but I shouldn’t have left things with Hailey the way I did.

My mind had been void of anything else but my need to join and be like my dad, so I abandoned everything else.

Was Hailey right then? Had I been in a mental space that prevented me from being the best father I could have been to Noah? Would I have tried to come back to be part of his life? Or would I have done just as my father had?

All the evidence pointed to me having done just as my father had done at the time. Did I have the right to punish Hailey for believing the evidence and going with her gut?

We would never know how things would have turned out now and all this should haves and could haves were leaving my mind in a tangled mess.

I needed to clear my head so I threw on a hoodie and sneakers and went for a run.

During the many minutes my feet hit the pavement in the rhythmic but punishing stride, I couldn’t help but notice the parents and guardians minding kids. It was something I didn’t focus on before but now their pairings were glaringly obvious.

I saw kids smiling and talking animatedly. They ran. They skipped. They laughed. They were radiant in their innocent enjoyment of life and what it had to offer.

There was even this one kid who threw a tantrum on the sidewalk of the park and left his mother with an embarrassed, rueful expression.

I wanted to experience all those moments with my own son - the good, the bad and the ugly.

I wanted to take him for hikes through the park and I wanted to teach him to ride a bike. I wanted to take him out for ice-cream and to learn what his favorite foods were. I wanted to be there to cheer him on when he excelled and help him dust himself off when he failed.

I wanted to be a part of my son's life in every possible way. No matter what I felt for his mother, that wouldn’t change.

Hailey. Jesus, I was lying to myself if I said that even in my anger I didn’t want to be close to her. Because I did. I wanted her and Noah and I to be something, something more.

Like a family.

I came back to my apartment when it was dark outside and long passed the time kids should be out on the streets. I immediately headed for the shower and left the warm water do its work on my overheated muscles.

Later, I ordered a pizza and bit into the first slice while throwing back a beer. I was watching the television, the volume on mute as I watched Noah’s favorite cartoon character throw webs and swing his way across the city.

Suddenly I had to talk to Hailey. I couldn’t properly function until I heard her tell me he was okay.

It was already after ten PM. Still I couldn’t stop my fingers from dialing her number.

She answered on the second ring.

“Hello?” The greeting was hesitant.

She sounded like she was already in bed and my mind instantly went to the gutter, imagining her in nothing but my tee shirt and waiting for me to do naughty things to her body.

My dick began to harden and I had to forcible suppress the image to keep my body under control.

“Hi, Hailey.” I, too, was suddenly hesitant. Now that her voice was ringing in my ear and my body was reacting to the sexual fantasy, I lost my direction for a moment.

“Is something wrong,” she asked when the silence stretched too long.

I shook my head to clear the webs and answered, “Uh, no, everything is fine. I just called to check in with you guys. How's Noah doing? Did he settle down okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine. Kids get sick. This is not the first time he has come down with a bug. I really doubt it’s serious but I will book an appointment with his pediatrician tomorrow just to make sure.” She paused then asked, “Would you like to come?”

I jumped the opportunity to see Noah again… and Hailey.

“Of course,” I said. “I would love to come.”

“I’ll call you when I know the details,” she promised. “And I will keep you updated on how he is in the meantime.”

“Great, thanks,” was my reply then my mind flat lined.

There was rustling on the line, like she was moving in her sheets. The erotic image popped right up in my head again and my pants tented.

There was another pause and she filled it by saying, “He couldn’t stop singing your praises. You’ve made quite the impression on him. He really likes you. That’s a good sign that thing will work out, I think.”

Talk of developing a relationship with my child dampened my lust and I focused on working things out with Hailey instead trying to imagine what color panties she was wearing.

“I would love that – for things to work out. I want to have a relationship with him. And I have to admit I am scared of what it means to be a father. I have no clue what I am doing or should be doing. I don’t want to make any mistakes.”

She laughed softly. “Parenting is not a perfect science. You’re going to mistakes. You just have to learn from them and keep at it. I think you’re going to be a great dad for what it’s worth. Plus, I am here to help make sure you guys develop a sturdy father-son relationship.”

“Thanks for saying that.” I sighed. “I didn’t mean to go off on you like that this afternoon. It was just a lot to take in, you now?”

“I know and I understand. I would have probably not handled it much differently if I was in your shoes.”

“I want us to be like a real family,” I told her.

“I’d like that too.”

For the first time since I found out I had a son this morning, my mind settled because for some reason I knew it was going to be like she said. It was all going to work out.

It had to.