The two weeks between Ari’s return from Vancouver and his departure for college didn’t just fly by. They dissolved. Jav thanked God Trelawney Lark let him carry the lease of the Guelisten apartment through the end of the month. It allowed him to use it as a staging area for all the art supplies and dormitory clobber that wouldn’t fit in his apartment.
He ferried things upstate with a bizarre furtiveness. Sneaking in and out of the town like a thief.
Or an illicit lover, he thought sourly.
He texted Alex a couple of times. Variations of hey, I’m in town, dropping some stuff off. Got time for a beer?
Both times Alex made one excuse or another and Jav found he was more relieved than disappointed. But one weekend, Alex came to the city and made an overture to get together. Jav was about to reply yes, when all at once, he knew it was no.
I can’t, he thought. Not yet anyway. I’ll feel like shit. I’ll say or do something stupid. I’ll get depressed.
He tried to let it go, offer it up. Keep his heart and eyes open, loving and seeing what happened. The last days evaporated and then Jav and Ari were in the loaded car, heading for New Paltz.
“You got a title for your next book?” Ari asked.
Typically Jav didn’t share titles of his works in progress. But Ari had been the first person he told about The Trade. He liked the symmetry of telling him now, “The Chocolate Hour.”
“What’s that from?”
“It was a line I heard while I was out collecting stories. ‘And then it was the chocolate hour.’ It stuck in my head and wouldn’t let go.”
Ari nodded, his mouth silently moving around the title. “I like it. You get a lot of imagery in just three words.” He unzipped his hoodie and wiggled out of the sleeves. “Roger’s going to come see me next weekend,” he said. Meaning his biological father, Roger Lark. Val and Trelawney Lark’s brother.
Because life couldn’t be weird enough.
“Yeah?” Jav said. “What’s he in town for?”
“No reason.” Ari glanced toward Jav with a grin. “He’s just coming to see me.”
“Well, that’s all kinds of cool.”
“He wants to help pay for college.”
“Ah,” Jav said. “He and I had a chat about that.”
“Mm.” Ari laced hands behind his head and his grin grew broader. “Dig me with two fathers.”
Jav laughed, but the remark kind of cuddled up to him. Laid its head on his shoulder and took his hand.
Silence for a few miles before Ari asked, “Been on any dates?”
“A few.”
“You don’t sound enthused.”
Jav exhaled heavily. “Twenty-three years I had this perfect social life. Perfect date after perfect date. I’m really becoming aware of what an act it was. What a repertory of roles I played and none of them were really me. It’s kind of put me in a mini existential crisis. I have moments when I don’t know who the fuck I am.” He looked over at his nephew. “That got heavy. Sorry.”
“No, don’t be. Weird how you got to have a hundred girlfriends without really having a girlfriend.”
“Yeah. Serial love affairs, but only the good parts. And because of the arrangement, it was leaping right into romantic behavior no one in their right mind would do on a first date. Women telling me I love you an hour after meeting.”
“Did you say it back?”
“Yeah,” Jav said. The word stung his mouth. “It… I was playing a part. Getting paid to say what they wanted to hear. To be the love of their life for a few hours. I guess it’s no wonder now that I’m trying to date women for real, I’m numb to it. Trying to be real feels like an act. I just have no spontaneity. Everything feels calculated and fake. I spend more time wondering what the hell this woman wants from me, rather than what I want from her.”
“You don’t exactly trust her motives.”
“Exactly.”
Another interval of silence. A small elephant lounged on the console, tapping the end of its trunk.
Any day now.
“Think you might date guys?” Ari asked, chewing on his thumbnail.
“I’m…open to it. Would you be all right with that?”
Ari’s head flicked to him. “Me?” A chuckle made his shoulders twitch. “Why does what I think matter?”
“Because it does,” Jav said.
The air in the car swelled with a strange, emotional bewilderment. Each man realizing the other’s opinion meant something.
“I hope you find someone,” Ari said. “You deserve it. Male or female, it’s about fucking time you had someone you can be yourself with.”
“Thanks.”
Ari was quiet a minute. “Either way, don’t be having sex in front of my dog. Okay?”
The car wobbled in its lane as Jav burst out laughing. “Shut up,” he said, smacking the back of his hand against Ari’s shoulder.
Ari whacked him back. “I’m just saying, T.”
The laughter died away as the car rolled onto the span of the Newburgh-Beacon bridge. Both Jav and Ari glanced to the right, looking up the Hudson River. The mighty waterway began curving to the east here. Even on the most crystal-clear day, neither man could even pretend to see the Mid-Hudson Bridge and the little town of Guelisten sheltered beside it. Still they gazed upriver, thinking of the place where they’d both found love.