Mos looked over his shoulder. His eyes slid from Jason’s blond hair, ruffling in the wind, down his tight, muscled body to the fashionable shoes. Then up again, taking in Jason’s crisp handsomeness and concerned expression.
Is he a whore like me?
“Can you come inside?” Jason said. His superstar smile wobbled. “You’re kind of making us nervous.”
Ben came out. Tall and strong and authoritative. “Mo, come back now.”
You’ll say it, then you’ll do it.
All my boys are loyal to me.
Mos’s fingers slowly loosened on the railing but he didn’t let go.
“Let us help you,” Ben said.
“You don’t have to go in,” Jason said. “Just step back from the railing, okay? Can you do that much?”
“Come on, Mo,” Ben said. “I won’t hurt you. I want to help. Will you let me help?”
He stepped behind Mos and slid hands down his arms to his wrists. “Come on, let go now. That’s it. Just step back with me. I’m right here.”
The boys lurched backward, like Quasimodo in reverse. Ben bumped against the side of the building and Mos bumped into him. His shoulders to Ben’s chest.
Well, look what we got here.
Mos shook hard. Ben held him tighter and the shaking stopped.
The night shifted into a different normal.
We’re just two normal straight dudes who want to go home.
Jason stood in front of him now, both hands on Mos’s shoulders. “Mo, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” Mos said. “I’m not him.”
“Not who?”
“I’m not Mo.” He fumbled his wallet out of his pocket, shaking fingers digging in the folds for the twin licenses he carried. “See. That’s Mo. Geronimo. My twin brother. I’m Carlos. My brother was taken. The porn ring that got busted in New Jersey last summer. My brother knew him. The ringleader. He groomed Mo to trust him and then he took him. They found Mo in the basement, drugged up and handcuffed to a bed. They were selling him. Selling his pictures and then selling him. Mo was trapped there a day and a half and they about raped him to death.”
“Jesus,” Ben said in a hiss of air, the circle of his arms pressing harder.
“Nobody believed him,” Mos said, the story jumping the leash and getting away, all the roles mixed up, but it kept spilling. Piling up, lie on top of lie. Bricks to build a wall around Geno and keep him safe.
“Everyone brushed it off,” Mos said. “Everyone said guys couldn’t get raped. They said Mo was gay. They said he must’ve brought it on or been asking for it. He even called a rape hotline once. The woman who answered hung up on him. She yelled at him for being a twisted pervert, calling up a hotline to jerk off to a made-up story. Then she hung up. Nobody believed him and he killed himself.”
He was fading out, no longer sure who was who, where his truth stopped and the lie began or who was in control here.
“Nobody believes it,” Mos said. “Not even the law. Who knows how many guys are out there in the world, afraid to say what happened to them…”
“Hey,” Ben said at his shoulder. “You told me once you weren’t afraid of anything. Remember?”
“I’m fucking afraid of everything,” Mos said.
“You afraid of me?”
Mos shook his head.
Ben’s arms were so strong. “Not everything, then.”
“Help me,” Mos said.
“Come inside.”
Inside, Seth was white and stunned. Natasha was pale and pink, like a bar of soap. She sat on one side of Mos on the couch. Ben sat on the other, warm and strong.
“I’m sorry,” they all said.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Dude, that’s crazy.”
“I’m so fucking sorry.”
Jason knelt on the floor between Mos’s feet, hands on his thighs. “It made what you did tonight even more beautiful. You kind of saved your brother this time. You know?”
“I bet he was watching,” Seth said. “I bet he was so fucking proud of you.”
No, I’m dead to him.
“You’re so brave,” Natasha said. “You’re amazing.”
No, I was a coward. I sold out my own brother. I watched as they raped him. Anthony cuffed me to the bed and made me watch.
I watched.
He remembered the shape of a man’s arms behind his back. His shoulders to Anthony’s chest.
“Nuh,” Geno said, head lolling like his neck was broken. All his body soft and slack except for one part that was rock hard.
“Look what we got here,” Anthony said. “Somebody’s enjoying this.”
Mos remembered. Mo remembered. Geno remembered.
The land of Nos was abandoned now, its laws regarding feeling were suspended and its stars gone dark.
So he went on remembering.