Back at the apartment, Jason made omelets, rolling them onto warmed plates with a practiced roll of the wrist. Geno watched through a hazy, detached curtain. He’d slipped into the bathroom and taken one of his stashed Valium. Then, for good measure, he broke the second pill in half and bit off a quarter. He was floating now. The kitchen light bounced off metal surfaces and twinkled like stars.
“Eggs are soul food,” Seth said, squeezing ketchup onto his plate. “I once dated a guy who didn’t like eggs. I had to break up with him on principle.”
“My ex-girlfriend was allergic to them,” Natasha said.
Ben stopped mid-chew. His eyes pressed Geno’s a split second. “Your ex-girlfriend?” he said.
Natasha tucked a lock of pink hair behind her ear. “Mm-hm.”
“You’re bi?”
Natasha raised her pierced eyebrow. “Close your mouth, dear.”
“This is how he finds out?” Jason said, laughing over the stove.
“Jesus, I dated a girl,” Natasha said. “Big deal.”
“What was that like?” Ben said.
“What was it like? It was like dating a guy with no dick.”
“And ironically, it ended over eggs,” Seth said.
“Her eggs were so small,” Natasha said, laughing.
“Well, at least you had an adventure,” Ben said.
“What makes you think it was only an adventure?”
Ben shrugged now.
“You know,” Natasha said, “I am really becoming aware of shit like this.”
“Shit like what?”
“The rules and laws of sexual fluidity.”
“Here we go,” Jason said, rolling another omelet out. He slid the plate in front of Natasha, then did a deft spin and produced two slices of toast for Geno.
“Nibble on that before you try anything else,” he said. “You want ginger ale or something?”
“No thanks.” Geno bit off a corner and chewed, counting to thirty.
This is normal.
“Case in point,” Natasha said around a mouthful of eggs. “A straight girl experiments with another girl, and society dismisses it as adventure. The assumption is she’ll come back home.” Fork tucked under her thumb, Natasha made air quotes around home, before finishing, “To being straight. Whereas a straight guy?” The fork pointed around the four males.
“Hey, don’t include us in this thesis,” Jason said, slinging an arm around Seth’s shoulders. Seth tilted his chin up and they kissed.
“Sorry.” Natasha’s fork flicked between Geno and Ben. “A straight guy experiments with another guy, and it’s not adventure. It’s the opposite of adventure. It’s immediately branded as his true nature, which he’s obviously been hiding. And everyone smugly sits back and waits for him to come out as gay.”
A moment of reflective chewing around the kitchen island. “Some truth in that,” Ben said finally. “A lot of truth. Unfortunately, but yeah, that’s kind of how it is.”
“Straight guys don’t experiment with other guys,” Geno said.
Natasha’s eyes slid toward him with an aren’t-you-adorable expression. “You think?”
“No straight guys I know.”
“Jason, can I use your laptop?” Natasha said.
“It’s on the bookshelf over there.”
“I know hetero guys who mess around,” Seth said. “Buddy of mine said nothing beats a hand job from another guy, and he was straighter than Fifth Avenue.”
Ben wiped ketchup from the corner of his mouth. “I guess if you’re born with a dick, you know what to do with one.”
“If you’re letting guys jerk you off, you’re not straight,” Geno said, feeling ganged-up on.
“It’s called hetero-flexible,” Jason said.
Geno raised his eyebrows.
“I’m straight, but shit happens,” Jason and Seth said in unison.
“Or shit gets looked for,” Natasha said, returning to the island with her laptop. She had a browser window open to Craigslist and its Casual Encounters section. “Peruse that, boys…”
Four male heads crowded around the screen.
Str8 guy wants to try BJ tonight… Yo, I’m up late. I have a girlfriend but I’m home alone and watching porn. I like watching chicks give head and it’s making me think I want to try it too. I’m not attracted to guys. I don’t want to look at you or talk to you. Just suck your cock. And just for tonight. Caucasian only.
“Jesus,” Ben said, laughing.
“That can’t be real,” Geno said.
But Natasha kept clicking and scrolling and finding more posts.
Str8 guy looking for friendly sex.
Average white dude looking for not-gay sex with other dude.
Straight dude drunk and horny. Any straights want to rub one out with me?
Seeking straight mates for circle-jerk. Why not?
Str8 dude seeks same: looking to mess around.
Looking to lay back, have some beers and watch some straight porn. Keep our hands to ourselves, just jack together like buds. It’s cool.
Looking for Str8 buddy. Come over, watch porn, talk about pussy and stroke bone. No hassle, no feelings, no involvement.
Straight guy wants to whack off with same (no sex, not negotiable)
Str8 guy in a bad way. No girlfriend and dying to get off.
The toast was soggy in Geno’s mouth. His legs were perked-up and thrumming. He was starting to vibrate.
Look what we got here, Anthony whispered at his right ear. Someone’s enjoying this.
“Mo, you okay?” Jason said. “You gonna puke again?”
“I’m not,” Geno said.
I’m not.
He was getting hard.
I’m not.
You love it. You’re a whore just like your brother.
“Tash, put that away,” Jason said. “It’s insensitive. Sorry, Mo. You’re already upset.”
“I’m not,” Geno said.
An awkward silence filled the kitchen. Beneath the counter, Geno’s knees knocked together.
I just want to be a normal guy.
Is this what normal guys do?
Say it, you little bitch.
You’ll say it. They all do for me.
“Hey,” Ben said, putting a hand on Geno’s shoulder. “Come back to us.”
I can’t. I can’t go back home to being straight.
Ben’s fingers closed around a fold of Geno’s shirt and pulled a little. “Mo, come talk to me a sec.”
Geno let himself be led into the living room. He stared at the tall bookshelf, looking for another story he could become.
“Look,” Ben said. “I don’t want to be corny, but… I’m here for you, okay? It kills me you lost your whole family and you don’t have a parent or brother you could’ve called tonight.”
“Yeah,” Geno said carefully, as if trying not to let the words touch his mouth. “It’s hard.”
I want to go home.
Was the girl from the bar home now?
She might not have made it. She could’ve been in a strange apartment by now, limp and helpless under a man’s body, being told she loved it.
I rescued her.
I’m the only one around here…
“Hey,” Ben said. He touched Geno’s forearm, sending off waves of thrumming goodness. “You can tell me.”
“It’s hard.”
And I was hard.
“I know. I’m sorry it has to be like this, Mo. I wish I could do something.” His hand slid up Geno’s arm and across his shoulders. A heavy warm drape yet still Geno’s teeth chattered. Torn apart by longing and fear. Wanting to turn and burrow into this comforting touch. Wanting to turn and run like hell from it. It felt too good. It felt like something he was told he loved.
Don’t you, baby boy?
“It’s too hard,” Geno said. “I need some air.” He tugged out of Ben’s grasp and went out on the balcony.
The cold air startled him into a gasp. He sucked in breath after breath, hands clenched on the railing. Seven stories below, traffic made diamond and ruby threads across Manhattan.
I want to go home.
Yeah, you do, baby boy. Your daddy’s not coming. He’s on the other side of the ocean.
He crouched down, hands fisted around the iron bars of the railing, an animal in a cage.
I’m all alone in here.
He stood again, his view free of the bars but still feeling just as caged.
I want to go home.
I want all this to be happening to someone else. Why can’t this be someone else?
Mos opened his eyes. I got this.
Geno shifted his weight onto one foot. The other leg trembled, getting ready to swing over the railing. I want to go home, he thought. I’m coming back to Nos.
Stop, Mos said, grabbing a handful of Geno’s shirt. This land isn’t safe anymore. The door to the henhouse was left open. Now the laws are broken and everything feels in Nos.
“I can’t stay here,” Geno whispered. “I can’t.”
For the first time, Mos spoke to him in a voice filled with soothing kindness. I know. It’s all right. You rest now. Let me take care of it. I got this.
Geno’s mind pulled apart. Neat and precise as a perforated piece of paper.
It’s not safe to be you anymore, Mos insisted. Let me do the talking, baby boy.
“Mo,” Jason said. “I want you to come inside now. Okay?”