Spring, when a young man’s fancy turned to thoughts of…
“Go away,” Jav mumbled.
“Rise and shine,” Stef said, looking for some action.
“I’m sleeping.”
“You’re hard.”
“This is morning wood, it doesn’t count.”
Stef got out of bed and pressed his palm to the cold window. Held it a count of twenty and then burrowed under the covers again. “The hand of death is coming for the Gil deSoto family jewels.”
“Dude, I will kill you if— Jesus.” Jav let out a laughing yell. “You bastard.”
“Shh,” Stef said. “Don’t struggle.”
“Goddammit, Finch,” Jav said, shivering, but not moving out of Stef’s icy grip.
Stef bit the back of Jav’s neck. “You’re so my bitch.”
“Get off me. You suck.”
“I fucking love you.”
“I know and I want to sleep.”
He didn’t put up too big a fight. Stef made it up to him by taking the long trek up to Inwood for breakfast, to a joint Jav insisted had the best Dominican food on the island. It was a tiny, homey place, where all the old waitresses knew Jav on sight, flirted and fussed over him.
“Hola, Javi.” An older female voice spoke quietly next to their table.
Both men looked up. A woman in her late sixties, maybe early seventies. A tiny thing, silver-haired but traces of what was once a great beauty.
Stef glanced at Jav, expecting an introduction.
None came.
The woman’s face was soft as she looked down at Jav. He stared back, jaw tight, expression murderous. His hands had gone to fists on the table. Stef’s eyes volleyed between like a tennis match before he decided to go invisible. Under the table, he gathered Jav’s ankles between his own.
Finally, a long exhale from Jav. “Tía, este es mi novio. Stef, this is my Aunt Mercedes.”
“Hi,” Stef said. Even with his limited White New Yorker Spanish, he knew novio meant boyfriend. He also knew what a giant gauntlet it was to throw in front of Jav’s Dominican aunt. The woman’s eyes turned to him, blinked once, then crinkled at the corners. Her hand extended. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Stef nodded, shaking her hand.
“You’re looking well, Javito,” Mercedes said.
“Thanks, so are you.”
“I’m older.”
“We all are.”
She smiled. The silence shuffled its feet on the floor.
“How’s Kiko?” Jav asked.
“He passed away two years ago.”
“I see.”
Stef noted the unextended condolences and resisted the urge to clear his throat.
“It’s been wonderful to see all your success,” Mercedes said, a slight tremor in her voice now. “I recognized you as I was leaving and I wanted to say hello. It’s been a long time.”
Jav nodded. “Twenty-eight years.”
“Well,” she said, drawing a deep breath. “It’s good to see you. And so nice to meet you, Stef.”
“Likewise,” Stef said, smiling up and pressing down with his feet.
“Vale. Adiós, sobrino.”
Head held high, purse clutched tight, Mercedes walked away.
Jav’s eyes followed her out of the restaurant, then he exhaled like a hurricane. “I didn’t see that coming.”
“That was Nesto’s mother?”
“Mm.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” Jav rubbed the back of his hand between his eyebrows. “Just thrown off.” His feet were still tucked between Stef’s and one of them was shaking.
“What was your relationship with her like?” Stef asked. “Before everything went down, I mean.”
“Like a second mother, combination of love and nagging. But she was my aunt, and my aunt by marriage. So more love than nagging.”
“I see.”
Jav sighed and roughly shook his head. “Sorry. I’ll snap out of this in a bit.”
“Take your time. It was a shock.”
“I love you,” Jav said, looking out the window.
“I love you too.” Stef wiped his mouth and crumpled his napkin. “What do you want to do today?”
“Truth?”
“Yeah.”
“I went to your bridge once. Will you come to mine?”
The sun threw handfuls of diamonds on the Hudson River. Boats cut precise wakes through the water as the wind buffeted through the geometric girders of the George Washington Bridge.
“I almost asked her if he left a note,” Jav said, leaning on the railing. “I always wondered.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I’m not sure what I want the answer to be. I mean, really I’m asking if he left a note for me. If he didn’t, that’s heartbreaking. If he did, what happened to it? If it’s around somewhere, do I want to see it?”
“Do you?”
“Jesus, I don’t know.”
“Yeah. I couldn’t say if that would be closure or open-sure.”
Jav ran fingers through his hair. “I should warn you, I’m gonna be in a really weird mood the rest of the day,” he said.
Stef laughed. “Uh, yeah, I figured.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“Thanks for asking me to come.”
Jav slid a hand around the back of Stef’s neck, bringing their foreheads together. “You’re my best friend.”
Stef smiled, giving Jav’s wrist a squeeze.
“I mean it,” Jav said. “When I die, I want to be buried next to you.”
“Oh my God, man, stop,” Stef said, laughing again.
True to his word, Jav was moody and distracted the rest of the day. A thousand-yard stare into the past. A lot of sighing and restless pacing around the apartment. Gazing out the window for long stretches. He wasn’t hungry. He went for a run late in the afternoon, by himself. Came back and showered and dressed, but he didn’t seem transformed or less troubled. Wearing Stef’s Skidmore hoodie, he sat sideways on the wide windowsill and stared outside.
“I keep coming back to me and Ari being the only ones left,” he said.
Stef looked up from his sketchpad and nodded. “Yeah, that’s a tough one.”
“God, I…” Jav let his breath out and seemed to deflate. “See, I had this crazy idea he was alive all this time.”
“Nesto?”
“Yeah. Like him jumping was just a story Kiko told me to be a dick. A story to cover up their own estrangement. I had this nugget of hope in the back of my mind that maybe Nesto was out there somewhere. We’d meet again and we could talk about it. Tell our stories. I could find out why.”
Stef put his pad aside and got up. “This really haunted you.”
“I didn’t know it did.” Jav ran fingertips along his temple. “He was…” His shoulders rose and fell with a few chuckles. “Shit, man, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I don’t know what any of this is.”
He was laughing. When Stef put hands on his shoulders, Jav was still laughing.
“I didn’t know and I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll never know.”
He laughed as his head touched Stef’s ribs. Laughed when Stef slid arms around him.
“He was a Trueblood,” Stef said. “Your cousin and your best friend. Your shadow. You told me if he wasn’t following you somewhere, it felt like you were missing a sock.”
God, I feel like I’m talking to Geno. It’s the same betrayal. Why didn’t I see it before?
“I don’t understand,” Jav said. “I never will.”
“I know.”
“Everyone just leaves,” Jav said. “I don’t get to say goodbye to anyone. I don’t get a say at all. They leave and I just sit around making up stories to explain why. They pass me on the street and say nothing. Did I ever tell you that? I passed her and Kiko on the street once and they wouldn’t even look at me. Now she sidles up to my fucking table, calls me Javito and tells me she wishes me well? What the fuck is that about? ‘It’s been so wonderful to see all your success.’ Really? Where was the wonder when your brother- and sister-in-law were beating the shit out of me for a five-hundred-dollar check I won? Where was the well-wishing for that success?
“Where were you when my mother shut me out and cut me off? When your son ambushed me at school? Where were you when I couldn’t walk from here to there without getting beat up? When I was getting kicked to death in bathrooms and locker rooms and my own fucking kitchen? Class fag. The neighborhood punching bag. The family disgrace. Where the fuck were you I was living in one room with my life savings in a coffee can? When my uncle staked out my apartment and took a day’s work out of my pocket, saying I should suck enough dick to make the next payment? When your own husband told me to pay him back or he’d leave a hole in my ass so big, I could fuck two men at once?”
He wasn’t laughing anymore.
“Oh sure, you recognize me in a restaurant now. You got no problem approaching me now. But not back then. You didn’t recognize what all of them were doing to me back then. You didn’t know I’d end up fucking for a living. Making me waste twenty years of my life when I could’ve been something to somebody…”
Then he was crying.
Stef pulled him in tight and stood still against the storm, his hand running in slow circles between Jav’s trembling shoulders. “You’re something to me,” he said. “You’re everything to me.”
“They can’t just throw me away and expect…”
“No,” Stef said. “They can’t. Not anymore. Not while I’m here.”
He set his teeth together, breathing in the scent of Jav’s skin.
I’ve got one of the last Gil deSotos. I’m not throwing it away. I’ll never leave without saying goodbye. If this comes to an end, I’ll give him a reason. He’ll get a goodbye. I won’t leave him to sit around and make up a story to explain.
His arms tightened and he laid his cheek on top of Jav’s head. But I don’t want to leave. I want to stay and watch you write our story. I want to go to all your bridges. Because I recognize what they did to you then. And I recognize who you are now.
“Sorry,” Jav said, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.
“Shut up,” Stef said. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”
Jav leaned his head against the window panes. The light turned his dark gaze to amber and reflected off the bits of silver in his beard growth.
“Listen,” Stef said. “I decided I’m not your novio.”
Now Jav looked at him, blinking. “No?”
“I’m your curator. How do you say that in Spanish?”
Half a laugh, and another swipe of Jav’s face against his sleeve. “Jesus.”
“I mean it,” Stef said. “It’s corny as shit but I don’t care. Anyone can be a boyfriend. I’m your curator. Your mate.” His fingers eased down the back of Jav’s collar, caressing inked letters and numbers. “And your Trueblood.”
Jav’s gaze melted again. He swung his legs off the sill and Stef moved between his knees. He held Jav’s head to his heart and stood tall, gazing around the room as if assessing a threat.
“Fuck all of them, man. They’ll have to come through me to get to you this time.”