I’d hoped I was done with hospitals for awhile.

This time, I don’t bother trying to hold back anything.

I sit against the floor and cry until I can’t feel my face anymore.

I couldn’t look at my dad’s face…couldn’t be around the rest of my family. Not when I could feel their pressing sadness, the heaviness.

“Kaija.” I jerk my head up, unable to completely see through blurry eyes and I wipe furiously at my face, stumbling to stand.

It’s my mom.

* * *

“I didn’t expect you here so quickly.” My voice is raw and my face feels swollen. We sit on the floor in the mostly empty corridor, watching people pass every now and then.

“You know I’m always within reach when it matters.” She says softly, stroking my hand.

“You were still in Jordan when I talked to you a few weeks ago.”

“I came back last week, was settling in. I’m going to be around for awhile, actually. Taking a stateside assignment, and we can catch up.”

“Okay.” I whisper, leaning against her shoulder, and she wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me close.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” Her voice hitches and I tremble against her, feeling my tears start all over again.

My heart is broken.

* * *

When my head is pounding from crying so much, my mom and I sit in silence and just lean on each other.

“You know, Key told me about your boy when I talked to her last.” She starts.

“Of course she did.”

“I have to agree with her.” She muses, leaning her dark head back against the wall.

“I’m not really ready to deal with that right now.”

“No time like the present. And Keyra wouldn’t want you to use her as an excuse to keep running.”

“I’m not running.”

“You know, I’d hoped that I didn’t scar you girls too much. Visiting, calling, trying to keep that connection alive. But now I wonder if even with all my trying, if I still didn’t get it right.” Her voice is sad and I face her, shaking my head.

“It wasn’t an ideal situation, and it was hard at first. But you stayed open with us, you were honest and part of what that taught me is that you can’t just do things because that’s what people expect you to do. Keyra accepted it better, I think. But I always knew you loved us and you always made time for us, which is better than what some people who see their parents everyday have.” I confess. “I’ll admit I’m a little scared that I’m not cut out for a full family life, what if I start that and then…have to choose the same way you did?”

“I struggled with it for a long time. I made the commitment, I had you girls and married your father…what right did I have to just change my mind? But I recognized myself heading towards a bad space mentally, and your father and I talked and knew that would be worse for you two than being honest.”

“Any family isn’t always the best family.” I agree. “How did you know?”

“I knew before I met your dad, really. But I wanted to fit for him. He’s…one of a kind, that man.” She giggles. A genuine giggle. “Sometimes you meet someone who makes you want to be different, but sometimes….you just can’t be. I don’t think you’re like me.”

“I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I’m tired of thinking about it.” I moan, leaning against her again.

“Okay. Jump. Take the leap. That’s a direct command from your mother and you can’t disobey it.” She uses her stern voice and I smile.

“I don’t even know if he’ll take me back, especially after tonight. I hid a lot.”

“All you can do is bare it all, and let him decide. Then you two talk about it, and you take it day by day. I’m a journalist, I’m always going to push transparency.”

“I’m still scared.” I murmur.

“What did I always tell y’all? Especially while you were going through therapy and you didn’t want to talk about what happened?”

“You always have two choices: your commitment or your fear.” I repeat the words automatically, because they’re basically etched into my memory. It’s really one of my mom’s favorite sayings.

“Right. So you either give in to your fear of not knowing or give in to your commitment to your best life. But you can’t do both.” She stands, holding out a hand and tossing her hair back with a smile. “Now come on, I’m not as young as I used to be and this floor is hard on my butt.”

I take her hand, standing and she puts an arm around me as we walk down the hallway back towards the rest of the family. “Could’ve fooled me, you’re looking a little thick.”

“You get it from your momma.” She teases. I laugh, but I’m still thinking about a lot.

I have to commit to continuing to get better, do better.

Commit.