PULSE
SANG
The headband Dr. Green brought me covered most of my hair. The rest I made into a messy bun that I held together with a clip.
The makeup I managed to wipe off, and I got the eyelashes off. It took so much effort that my face felt raw and my eyes felt weird. I wondered if I should have just stuck it out and worn the makeup for the day. I wasn’t sure how girls did it, but was sure it was mostly my inexperience.
The pajama shirt’s soft material was nice, but part of me was too anxious to enjoy it. The dress hanging in the bathroom waited for me. I didn’t totally dislike it, but it represented a new reality for me, one that I was slow at accepting. Even if I had time off from them like this, I’d always have to be ready.
If Carol went to the diner, looking for me…
If Jimmy went to the diner…
I tried to stop playing out the hundreds of different scenarios that might happen. I trusted that the others would notify me if anything changed.
I sat on the leather couch in the living room. My feet were under my body, and I curled up as comfortably as I could.
Sean sat next to me on the couch in the middle. He placed a leather kit on the coffee table and pulled out a blood pressure cuff, stethoscope and other supplies.
He bent toward me, looking at my face, smiling. “Ready for your close-up?”
I giggled.
He gave me an eye and made a face. “Stop. Before I start.”
I swallowed back the urge to giggle anymore.
He started by checking my eyes and asking me questions.
While he remained professional, each touch lingered. His playful expression never faded. Every look, every moment with him, I wanted to giggle, but I held it as best as I could.
Nathan eventually came in, wearing only a pair of jeans and a red tank shirt that accentuated his arms and shoulders. He sat on the floor across the coffee table.
His reddish hair appeared wet, as if he’d showered, but I hadn’t heard the shower running. He watched while I was asked various questions about the week at camp.
I shared looks with him on occasion, but often, he stared at the table or at Dr. Green. He had dark circles under his eyes and leaned heavily on the coffee table. I imagined he hadn’t slept very well, much like the rest of us.
I’d gotten used to sleeping and staying at his house. It was odd to be back, and still not yet back at all.
“You ate mostly Pop Tarts all week?” Nathan finally asked. “You should have said something. We could have gotten you something better.”
Dr. Green chuckled. “It was camp. You’re lucky I didn’t eat s’mores all week.”
“Pop Tarts and that mocha coffee would be a lot of sugar right in the morning,” Nathan said.
“Your blood pressure is low,” Dr. Green said to me. He took out a vial and needle. “And from what I remember, every time I’ve checked, it’s been on the low side. Low blood pressure… spikes in your sugar every morning… high stress…”
My cheeks heated. I didn’t want to hide the thought that the shower had triggered something that caused me to faint. I stared at my knees. “I fainted before at Victor’s house, trying to take a shower.”
Sean reached for my hand, drawing it toward his body to hold close, and getting my attention so I was looking at him. “You, sweetheart, have had a lot of crazy things happen to you, yes. However, I don’t think the shower by itself is completely to blame for the fainting. You fainted before outside of the shower areas, remember?”
“At gym,” Nathan said before I could. “While she was doing exercises.”
I remembered that and suddenly questioned my own belief. I might have felt strange going to take a shower, but maybe I had fainted for other reasons.
Dr. Green squeezed my hand gently. “I get that the shower is the cause of stress, but stress throws lots and lots of cortisol into your system. With low blood pressure, if you’re breathing too rapidly, and have lots of sugar in your system, or no food at all in your system, it can cause fainting. When you were exercising at gym, you weren’t mentally stressed, but overtired and weak and causing yourself physical stress.”
North appeared from the kitchen. I wondered if he’d been listening. It was the first time I’d seen him since last night. He seemed tired, too, and wore the same clothes. His chin was shadowed with stubble. He motioned to Nathan. “Come help me with something.”
“You should be sleeping,” Nathan said and put pressure on the coffee table until he stood up. They went out into the garage, followed by the sound of the door closing.
What were they doing? Nathan was right, North needed some sleep. He’d been up all night.
Dr. Green drew my hand closer to his chest. He brushed his fingertips along my wrist. “Don’t worry about them. We should talk alone for a bit. Tell me what happens when you get close to a shower. What do you think?”
“I…dislike it,” I said quietly.
He waited patiently, holding my hand. “It’s okay. It’s just us now. Tell me.”
I breathed out slowly, looking at his chest. The way he stroked the soft skin at my wrist relaxed me. “I sometimes think of my mom. Or…Mr. McCoy…”
“The shower triggers the memory of what happened to you?”
My face and neck heated and I nodded. I hadn’t forgotten, but I tried not to think about it. Did it matter anymore? It wasn’t happening now. Not looking right at his face made it easier to talk about it. I swallowed heavily.
“It’s okay,” he said. “When something harsh happens to us, trigger points may get set up.” His fingers slowed until he was holding my wrist warmly. “The girls at camp. They triggered other feelings, right?”
I nodded again. “Jade,” I said softly. “And my mother…just…”
“You’ve had a lot of women do horrible things to you in your life,” he said. “You’ve made a connection between girls and those bad things.”
“I know the girls at camp are good. They didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know,” he said with a soft smile. “Sang, sweetie, how do you feel when you’re with us? With any of us?”
The question spurred my heart to race again, but in a different direction. Somehow I assumed he meant the plan to be together, and how I might feel romantically about them. “I…”
“Do you feel comfortable?” he asked, his green eyes gleaming, but soft and genuine. “Do we stress you out?”
“No,” I said quickly, certain about it. “I feel better with you all.”
“Better?”
I wasn’t sure how to explain it. “I didn’t like being away from any of you while at camp. I felt better when I was sure one of you was around. Even though I know we shouldn’t sneak the guys up to the attic while we’re dealing with Carol and what’s going on there, I hate the thought of being by myself up there.”
He leaned in on the couch, closer to me. He held his palm against my palm, warming my skin. “Have there been any other causes of stress for you?”
“I was worried about the Academy council. I didn’t want them to say I had to leave our group. I was worried about our…plan. That they would find out and wouldn’t understand it.”
He smiled and interlocked his fingers with mine. “Does the plan bother you? Does it stress you out?”
“Not in the same way.”
“Not like the shower and how it can trigger memories?”
I shook my head. “Nothing like that. Most of the time I’m worried about…how everyone will feel, and…” I couldn’t find the specific words to go over with him. I felt so strongly about all of them.
Including him.
I was excited to be near him, eager to stay, wanting to say everything I was thinking so he’d understand.
He leaned in a little closer. “Maybe you should ask us.”
“Ask?”
“Instead of worrying about how we feel, ask us how we feel. I don’t think anyone would hide it if you asked directly.”
His green eyes were so soft in that moment, like the clothes I was wearing. We were leaning close against the couch. I looked at our hands. His thumb massaged the back of my hand.
“How…” I started to say, blushing hotly. “How do you…”
“You’re incredible,” he said quickly before I had a chance to finish. His other hand drifted to my chin, lightly urging me to look up. I wouldn’t dare to look at his eyes. The moment was too intense, and he was, too. Instead, I stared at his nose and mouth. He held a playful curl at his lip. “Before Owen told me about the plan, I was wondering how I was going to fight off the other knuckleheads. Now…it’s…” He paused, looking down at our hands and then bringing them to his mouth, kissing the tips of my fingers.
Each one sparked a tiny piece of electricity through me, zapping through my nerves to my heart. I stilled, not daring to move, not wanting him to stop.
He brushed his cheek against my fingers. “The only thing I think about is wishing I could talk to you more. Or just be around you. The others being around you doesn’t bother me. I just want to be there more.”
“You can be,” I said quietly, without thought. I wanted him to be. With as little time as we got together, Sean always made me feel comfortable, and happy. “But I guess with Carol…”
“And my job,” he said. He lifted his head and rolled his eyes. “Speaking of which, I’m a little off track.” He leaned in a tiny bit more.
I giggled a little, more out of anticipation of what he might say next.
He quickly reached for my lips, using a single finger against them to silence me. He kept his playful smile. “Don’t start that. I’ve got to take some blood, and I’m bad enough at getting a vein.”
I smothered the urge to giggle more, but looked at his eyes, longer than I might naturally have been comfortable with, but wanting to look at him.
He locked his gaze on me, holding it.
He released my hand, sliding his fingers down until they brushed against my wrist.
After a minute, he spoke. “Your pulse is faster,” he said softly. “I think that means you like me, too.”
The intensity between us grew, a spark that started in my chest, like it had before for him, only this time, it grew with each long look and with his gentle fingers pressed against my wrist. I held my breath. I looked quickly at his chest, feelings welling up too strongly to continue, but then looked back up.
He leaned in and kissed my nose. He hovered there, and I didn’t move.
He tilted his head, kissing my lips.
I remained still, kissing him back. It was a light kiss, but he kept it going. Soft, and steady.
His tongue teased my lips, and I welcomed it.
He made a delightful noise and leaned into me, tongue darting into my mouth.
I was leaning far back, trying not to fall. My hand looked for something to hold on to. I found his shoulder, and then the back of his neck.
He shoved aside a stethoscope and other items that had been in his lap. They clattered to the rug. He scooped up my legs, under my knees, and drew them out. He moved closer to me, lying next to me on the couch.
The leather of the couch made noises as he cuddled next to me.
His lips pressed to mine again, eager.
I welcomed it. I kept my hand on the back of his neck, and instinctively tugged him closer.
Something had changed in kissing him. I didn’t know what it was, but it was so much easier to do this now.
Until I realized that they all knew about this. If they walked in, I’d stop, of course.
No longer was it because I feared discovery.
Sean’s hand moved to my hip, holding it while he kissed me. The kiss deepened, with his tongue reaching mine. He teased and then he backed up a bit, kissing my mouth once more and picked up his head, laughing.
“Sang,” he said and then kissed my lips lightly, and then my nose. “You sly devil girl. I’m supposed to be playing doctor.”
I bit my lip to stop giggling. “Sorry.”
“You’re not sorry,” he said. A wicked spark crossed his eyes and he bent over me again, kissing my mouth. “But neither am I. Playing boyfriend instead is fine by me.”
“It’s not just playing, is it?” I asked softly, and my face burned that I’d said exactly what I was thinking.
He chuckled and kissed my nose. “No. But I guess I never asked you properly, either.” He adjusted me until I had my back to the arm of the couch. He sat up against the back of the couch, his legs under mine. He curled up next to me, with his feet on the coffee table and an arm around my back. With his free hand, he took up mine and brought it to his lips. He kissed the knuckles, and the tip of each finger. “Sang,” he said between kisses, “you are the most adorable girl.”
I had to bite my lip hard to stop from giggling, but a few still escaped.
He kissed another knuckle. “The moment I saw you, you were so beautiful. And then I got to know you and you were just as beautiful on the inside.”
I stopped giggling, holding my breath and feeling my body warm from the inside until it radiated through me. “Sean…”
He leaned in, kissing my lips once. “Hang on, let me ask.”
I pressed my lips together to stop myself from saying anything else. He touched his nose to mine. He was so close, I closed my eyes instead of looking at him but couldn’t help but open them again just as he spoke.
“Sang,” he said quietly, his eyes half-open, gazing at my face. He brought my hand over his chest, warming my fingers. “You’re kind. You’re fun. Whenever you’re around, I never want to do anything else but be with you. Until I can convince you to marry me, will you at least be my girlfriend?”
I choked out a reply. “Yes…” I said, although my brain had hung up on the marrying him part. Was he still being silly?
His smile warmed and he started to giggle and then forced a cough. He backed up, covering his mouth. “Oh, that was slick. Don’t remember that part in the future.”
I smashed my lips together to keep from laughing.
He backed off a little, checked his phone. He made a face. “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a doctor…” He sighed and then looked at me. “When this internship is over, I want to take my girlfriend on a proper vacation. I need a few days off.”
The words he chose warmed me on the inside. I was his girlfriend now. I had been similarly asked by a few of the others, although not all of them. “We had a week off,” I said. “At camp. Didn’t you have fun?”
“I played doctor the whole time. And not in the fun Sang way.” He brushed a finger across my cheek and kissed my nose. “Next day off I get, let’s go out?”
“If I can.”
He smiled. “I get to see you tonight at dinner, too. Maybe after that, she’ll let me take you on a proper date.”
I didn’t want to like Carol. She made things so much more complicated, but I guess compared to my stepmother and how she’d seemed okay with me being interested in him…
He sighed. “But for now, I need to still play doctor. Before you starve to death right here.” He leaned hard over me, dropping his legs and reaching for the coffee table to bring over what he needed to draw blood.
He tied off part of my arm. He brushed his fingertips over my forearm, finding a vein in my wrist, as mine were too faint at the elbow for him to find a vein there. He dampened the spot with an alcohol swab. I’d been poked and prodded at the hospital, so this was now a little familiar.
It still seemed different when I was mostly in his lap, and he was being so delicate.
When he was ready to prick me with a needle, I tensed. He massaged my arm. “Look at my face, Pookie,” he said.
I giggled a little, focusing on him.
He kept his face up, but his eyes were on my wrist.
The cold needle slid into my skin, but not looking at it made it seem as if there was very little pain at all. I relaxed.
My arm warmed as blood drained into vials. He had to use both hands and even asked me to hold things as he did what he needed to.
Once everything was finished and my wrist was bandaged, he kissed the spot gently, and then the palm of my hand. He pressed my palm to his face. “I guess I’m a vampire boyfriend now. I took blood.”
I couldn’t help but giggle now. I used my other hand to smother it.
He laughed and picked his head up, leaning over and tugging my hand away so he could kiss me again. He pressed his forehead to mine. “I have to take it with me and get to the hospital. Can I text you today? Or call?”
I nodded. “When you have time.”
“Don’t answer me if you’re busy,” he said. “But one of my favorite things to do is talk to my girlfriend, Sang.” His face broke into a wide smile. “Oh, we can get matching phone cases, now. Or…” He backed up and raised his eyebrows playfully, pulling out his purple-encased iPhone. “Oh, wait, do me a favor.”
I giggled as he pushed buttons on his phone. “What do you want me to do?” I asked after a minute.
He pressed a few more buttons and then put his phone toward my face. The iPhone’s screen featured a recording app. He hovered a finger over the record button. “Say my name.”
“Dr. Green?” I said, trying to understand what he meant.
He pushed the button again, and made adjustments. “Say my first name this time.” He held the phone toward me again.
He was recording my voice? I didn’t understand why. “Dr. Sean?” I said, although it ended in a giggle.
He shut off the recording. “You’re such a goof,” he said. “I meant just my first name.”
“I like Dr. Sean,” I said. It did have a nice feel to it. I’d thought of him as Dr. Green for so long, but Dr. Sean felt way more endearing. He’d often said he loved being a doctor. I thought he enjoyed hearing the use of it with his name.
The garage door opened again. Nathan and North’s voices traveled to us.
He winked at me and backed up a bit. I started to sit up, but he kept my legs in his lap while he packed up what he needed.
Nathan came in, looked at the two of us and raised an eyebrow. “Everything okay?”
“Uh-huh,” Sean said casually, although there was an amused look that even Nathan caught.
Nathan questioned me silently, a rusty eyebrow raised over serious blue eyes. I tried my best to smile casually and respond just as quietly that everything was fine.
What else was I supposed to do when they didn’t want to know what happened in private with the others?