BEHIND THE DOOR
SANG
I woke up off and on throughout the night. There was no desire inside me to get up, even while the sun was starting to rise.
Sitting up meant facing Jimmy. Or Carol. I was so angry at my situation that I feared I’d cry or break down in front of them.
Sean’s phone was against my chest, under the blanket. The bedroom was silent.
I stared at the flowers on the wallpaper. Light from the window had dimmed when Jimmy got up and shut the blinds. He left to go downstairs.
I could have sent phone messages then, but I didn’t know what to say.
I dozed off and on, but my mind was going over and over fleeting thoughts.
The guys.
The Academy.
People who cared about me.
They were out there, and I was in here.
If it takes a month, will you keep fighting?
Mr. Blackbourne had asked me the question, but it was under different circumstances. If I could just get out of the house every once in a while and get to them… if the guys could sneak in at night… I thought I could be strong enough for this.
How could I tell him no? Even now, I would never dare do so.
Walking out…it would bring them trouble. It would cost favors. Who knew how many? Most of them had none left. They’d spent them on me. I didn’t know how much the Academy would forgive, but it all depended on me becoming the ghost bird they wanted.
So I had to follow through. I had to wait for them.
I breathed in slowly, letting air fill my lungs. Ammonia scents were filling the air around me. Carol was awake and mopping or washing who knew what downstairs.
I stared off aimlessly, waiting for someone to tell me what to do next.
The phone I held wasn’t buzzing. No messages at all. They were letting me sleep.
I was too restless to sleep.
I needed to do something. To give myself some hope that getting out was at all possible.
I had to give them some hope.
Dr. Green…his face…those eyes…he knew. He knew what I was feeling. I saw the doubt, the desire. If I didn’t find some sort of hope for us, they’ll do something drastic. Or I would.
Jimmy returned and crawled back into his cot. Either he’d just gone to the bathroom, or he was avoiding his mother so he wouldn’t have to clean. It was still early.
Eventually, he fell back asleep.
I rose slowly and eased myself off the bed. I didn’t want to wake Jimmy. He was on his back on the cot, the blanket wrapped over his entire body. The air was a little cold. The thermostat had been turned down.
I tiptoed into the hallway. Marie’s bedroom was very quiet. I touched the phone at my chest, wondering if I should check on her.
I stood at the top of the stairs for a long time, feeling the start of the carpet below my feet. There were small sounds of movement coming from the family room.
I could sneak out.
If I got caught, I could just say I was going for a walk. Wasn’t that reasonable?
Would I dare risk it?
I closed my eyes for a long minute, my heart thundering. Trying to be patient and let the guys figure out what to do next was the hardest thing to do.
However, I wanted to try again with Carol. A lot had happened last night. Could I change her mind? Could I turn this back to our original plan?
I took to the edges of the stairs, walking quietly through the house. I checked the master bedroom first.
The room was still. The bed was made. Extra pillows had been added. A few appeared to be decorative, with stiff lace and buttons.
The air smelled heavy with ammonia and bleach. I held a finger to my nose to stop myself from sneezing.
I followed the hallway around to the kitchen.
Carol wore blue slacks today, and another billowy shirt around her frame. This one had various pastel flowers and was a little sheer, but she wore a shirt underneath.
She knelt by the kitchen sink, pulling out various chemicals.
One was a bottle of vinegar. She took it in her hands, turned the bottle over. The light-colored liquid sloshed.
I backed up a step at the sight of the bottle. My body stiffened. My throat seemed to close in on itself. My hand covered my nose instinctively.
She put it aside on the floor behind her, next to various other cleaning chemicals. There was a trash can beside her, partially filled with dingy cloth rags and some old chemical bottles.
My lips twitched, wanting to begin and unsure how.
Eventually Carol looked my way and raised an eyebrow. Her voice croaked at first. “Still up with the birds?”
“I just couldn’t sleep.”
She nodded and then pushed off the floor until she was standing. She leaned against the sink with a heavy sigh. “Your father went into work early. He left before I had a chance to speak with him.”
It didn’t surprise me. He was escaping her, and escaping this house of secrets. How long would it be before he was spending his time away with some other woman and left Carol, too?
“I know I made a mess of things last night,” I said quietly. “My father said a lot of things.”
“You know,” Carol said, shaking her head, putting a palm up in a stop motion, “you don’t have to explain to me. Your mother sheltered you. Your father was away. When she went into the hospital this last time, and he left, the things you’ve done, I would have done.”
My lips twitched. She… sheltered me? I tried not to choke at the thought. What did she assume I was doing for the past few months? “Things have been tough,” I said quietly. “I don’t mean to cause trouble.”
“I appreciate that,” she said. “Which is why I hope you appreciate that I’ve taken charge. This isn’t easy for me, either.”
I nodded reflexively. However, I wasn’t sure I agreed with her choice to come here in the first place. “Ashley Waters isn’t too bad,” I said. “But I’m willing to try tests for a private school. I think Marie will go, too. We could try for a scholarship. It may make things easier for everyone.”
“I don’t see the point,” she said. She turned from me and knelt again, looking into the underside of the cabinet. Her voice echoed as she spoke to me. “I’ve decided we may as well move sooner than later. I can homeschool until the end of the year. We can work a schedule with an online school.”
Moving? My heart raced. She hadn’t changed her mind. “How…soon do you want to move?”
“With the money I’ll make from selling my old house, it’s enough to put a down payment for something nice in Savannah. I can possibly get us in within two weeks.”
Two weeks…I leaned against the wall of the hallway. My knees shook. I pressed a hand over my heart.
Two weeks and I’d be gone. It wasn’t enough time to convince her about any school. Kota…Nathan…the others…
There was no way they could convince her if she was determined to move now. My father should be here to stop her, and he wasn’t. He just abandoned us when he needed to be here to fix the mess he started.
I had to fix things, now. Or try to. “I…” I said quietly, swallowing back emotion to try to sound calm. “It’s all just so quick.”
“This house should sell pretty fast, too,” she said. “It only makes sense to do this now. The equity on this house won’t increase in a couple of months, and it’ll be better to do it before a divorce.”
“Have you called a lawyer about it?” That might be my chance. What if an Academy divorce lawyer said it would take too long? What if he put roadblocks in the way?
“A lawyer can wait,” she said. She reached under the sink and tore at the liner until it came up, revealing the wood underneath. She crumpled the paper and tossed it. Next to her was a roll of white liner paper, and she unwrapped it to measure it. “Your father owns this house, so he can sell when he wants to. If we sell before he files, then we can get out of here before that starts. So I’ve filled out a listing for the newspaper, and I’ll start making the proper phone calls later today to get that going.”
“Oh,” I said quietly. My face became numb, my limbs weak. Every counter or idea that popped up, she was quick to dismiss it. She wasn’t even going to wait for my dad to say yes. She was going through with it like this house was hers.
She continued, “You and Jimmy need new rooms. The school system is very bad. You didn’t tell me there had been bomb threats.”
She didn’t know the half of it. I shrugged. “A lot has happened.”
“A new start, Sang,” she said. “That’s what we all need. You’ll get a better school. I’ll make sure your father doesn’t neglect your health anymore. You want that, don’t you?”
I shifted on my feet, considering what to do. I was sure some of the guys were awake and heard this. “Sounds…okay.”
I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want them to think I was giving in.
I didn’t see a way out, though. I didn’t see how I could avoid moving with her to Savannah. I didn’t see my dad saying no to this if she’d managed to bully him this far.
Fear crept inside me, especially for Marie. Once she heard this, she’d know our plan had failed and she might try to tattle on me, on all sorts of things.
If Carol found out the truth about me, what would she do to try to fix it?
There had to be something I could do. Yet my brain was foggy from lack of sleep and stress. I didn’t know how to convince her to let Marie and myself go.
The phone remained silent at my chest. No answers from them meant they were probably working on it. I just didn’t know what to do. “Maybe…maybe after we move, would you want to look at a private school?”
Carol marked where she needed to cut on the paper liner. “And honestly, Sang, I found a few notices from the school about Marie skipping school. You’ve got a detention and a suspension on your record. Your grades are okay, but the classes you were taking aren’t spectacular.”
“They were all AP classes,” I said, absently, unsure why I was pressing this. “Advanced…”
“Yes, they are advanced classes, but you’re taking your appropriate sophomore classes. It isn’t like you’re taking Advanced Calculus at your age. I don’t think it will be compelling enough for a private school. Especially given the detentions and in-school suspension on your record.”
My cheeks burned. I didn’t have a reply for her.
None of this was what I wanted.
She wasn’t even considering what I wanted. While I prodded her with questions about a private school, she was shutting the idea down.
A new state. Homeschooled. At Carol’s mercy. Out of my control. No choice. No discussion about it.
There was a sharp knock. I jumped shortly. Carol dropped the roll, leaning back on her knees to look at me.
A second knock came. The doorbell sounded.
It was short, and different from the front door’s doorbell.
The knock sounded like it was coming from the garage door.
Carol rolled her eyes and waved toward the door. “That might be those friends of Jimmy wanting to hang out. Answer the door and then wake him up, please.”
My heart soared at the thought that it might be Kota, even if only for a moment. Would she let me go outside with them?
I needed them desperately. Tell me there’s hope.
Not that he could say much, but maybe I could sign to him. Did we have a new plan? What could I do with this? I couldn’t imagine anything that would convince her to stay, or change her mind about any of it.
I padded through the quiet family room and went to the door, opening it, ready with a smile, even if it were Derrick. I could easily send Derrick to go get Kota and Nathan.
I looked up.
Her eyes were wide and blazed with anger.
I choked shortly, blinking in utter confusion.
My stepmother stood at the door.