NOT SO HUNGRY
I wanted to stay vigilant about where Jimmy and Carol were and what they were up to, but Gabriel pulled me into him, and his arm cushioned the pillow. I didn’t want to pull myself away, and being still allowed me to drift in and out of sleep. It revitalized my courage some, but did little to pacify the depth of sadness I was feeling over having returned.
When I couldn’t sleep anymore, I simply breathed him in. I traced my fingers over his chest a little, feeling his breath at my forehead.
His fingers found the small of my back, and he made small circles, and then hearts, and then circles again.
I stared unfocused at his chest. In the silence, I waited for disaster, or the buzz of a phone that would call him away.
He took the clip from my hair and set it aside. He gently combed my hair with his fingers and massaged my scalp.
It relaxed me. He pressed his scruffy cheek to my forehead and breathed slowly. The warmth of him made it so I didn’t need a blanket. He was enough.
I wanted to enjoy the quiet moments, yet my heart was wound as tight as the nervousness in my stomach. I couldn’t fully relax knowing the others were in turmoil. However, it wasn’t just the current situation with Carol, either.
Hours ago, Kota had discovered that the others all held romantic feelings for me. He’d learned about a plan the others had been trying to come to terms with.
If we were going to stay together, they wanted to be open with their feelings for me, and for me to be open with them.
It was an idea that defied what we’d all come to believe was normal. We weren’t even sure exactly how to do this, and what it might look like in the future.
He confessed he didn’t understand how it would work out, and it created so much uncertainty.
The others had talked about it being difficult, even North, who had previously been very insistent that it would work.
I flipped over on the cot, not finding a spot that was truly comfortable. It wasn’t the cot. It wasn’t Gabriel. I just couldn’t stop hearing the doubt from everyone else echoing inside me.
Here I was again, in trouble, an impossible problem before us. I would always be a problem to them. They were the only people in my life who I felt cared for me, and I was risking their futures, their own safety, to help me. On top of it, having a relationship together wasn’t something any of us had planned, but it felt like I was asking a lot of guys who were already risking so much for me.
When I flopped over again, Gabriel tucked me into him and kissed my forehead. “You okay?”
I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about it yet. I didn’t want to when I was already overwhelmed and stressed.
I honestly didn’t want to end up crying again after such a long day. Mostly I needed sleep. Hard sleep. I needed to stop thinking long enough to get my emotions under control and to think rationally.
I buried my head into his chest instead of answering him. He hugged me close, and I stopped trying to think on it for now.
Gabriel eventually pulled away. I sensed him moving around and I opened my eyes just enough to watch what he was doing.
He lit a small camping lamp but masked it a bit so it wouldn’t shine directly on my face. He put away the rest of the items in the bags: books, a laptop, a notebook and pens. He remade my book bag with textbooks so it was ready for school.
The laptop he hid underneath the beanbag chair. It seemed a dangerous spot to put it. It’d get crushed if anyone sat in the bean bag. I wondered why someone would include it, but it might be for keeping an eye on all the cameras in the house.
When everything was put away, he played on Nathan’s 3DS. I was comfortable zoning out on my back on the cot, watching him or staring at the ceiling.
Eventually, I got up, sensing time had passed and that at some point I’d be called out, either for dinner or to check on my progress.
I put on a bra, tucking Victor’s phone into it.
Just when I’d finished, Jimmy thundered up the stairs again. Gabriel groaned, but moved quickly to hide behind the wall in the alcove.
“Sang,” Jimmy called from just behind the door. “You ready for dinner?”
Nerves sparked throughout my body. Was I ready for this?
Would I ever be?
I crawled out, leaving the light on. Jimmy hovered as I stood and peered into the attic space just as I was shutting the door, leaving Gabriel alone up there. I hoped Jimmy didn’t find some excuse to return and poke around.
Jimmy wore a cleaner dark T-shirt and jeans now. Had he changed downstairs?
“How’d it go?” he asked. “Got everything you need?”
I nodded. “Not sure how clean she needs things to be.”
He made a dismissive hand wave and urged me to follow him. “She’ll find something that needs cleaning. Always does. Even when I’ve done it.”
Downstairs, I trailed behind Jimmy to the table in the breakfast nook near the kitchen. I was soon met by the scent of salted fried beef and spices I wasn’t familiar enough with to distinguish.
The table was laid out with placemats. My father sat at the head of the table, and Carol was next to him. My father had changed into one of his work shirts, his hair brushed. Carol wore a new blue silk shirt, her hair still fluffy around her face, but she reeked of a heavy perfume.
I grimaced awkwardly when they turned to look at me.
“Where’s your sister?” Carol asked.
“Uh,” I sputtered out without thinking. I looked to Jimmy. Help?
“I knocked,” Jimmy said. “She didn’t answer.”
I was grateful for his response.
Carol’s face contorted into a harsh smile and then politely bowed her head to my father. “I’ll be right back.” She stood, heading for the hallway.
I hoped Marie wouldn’t make any more trouble. I glanced at the table, laden with mashed potatoes, gravy, roast beef and steamed carrots and peas. They were in fancy serving dishes with gilded edges that I didn’t recognize. There were folded maroon cloth napkins, too. I assumed Carol had brought them with her, as we didn’t have anything like that.
“Not hungry!” Marie’s voice carried through the walls. I reacted, and I sensed Jimmy looking in the same direction: toward the ceiling, as if we could see what was going on upstairs.
Carol spoke, but too low for us to hear. Jimmy motioned to me. Sit before she comes back.
I clenched my teeth. I sat on the opposite side of Carol, and Jimmy sat next to me. I hadn’t realized when I’d sat down that I was closest to my father.
He tilted his head down, gazing only at his plate. His lips were pressed tight. He avoided looking at any of us.
Awkward.
Moments later, Carol appeared, trailed by a hot-faced Marie. Her clothes were wrinkled like she’d been sleeping in them, and her hair was tied sloppily into a ponytail.
Marie went straight for the chair at the end of the table and sat heavily, folding her arms across her stomach.
I couldn’t imagine what Carol must have said to her to convince her to come down. I didn’t think anyone could get Marie to do anything she didn’t want to do.
Carol stopped short of reaching for her chair and waved her finger at us. “No, you’re all in the wrong places. Jimmy, you’re the oldest boy, go where Sang is. Sang, you’re next to me on this side.”
Marie and I shared a look. We had assigned seats now? Jimmy simply bobbed his head, as if unsurprised by this.
I stood up, allowing Jimmy to scoot over. Marie reluctantly moved one over. I sat next to Carol. The seat at the end was empty now. I was facing Marie, and she was glowering at everyone.
I stared at my plate, like my father. Maybe he had the right idea. Keep quiet.
Marie fiddled with a fork. Jimmy kept a small smile on his face and his hands in his lap.
I mimicked him. He’d know how to behave with his mother.
Carol remained standing, serving our father first. She passed bowls of food to Jimmy next.
She had Jimmy and Marie serve each other, directing them on how to do so. For me, she filled my plate, and then served herself. Jimmy waited until she was sitting before he unfolded a napkin, putting it into his lap.
I did the same and then Marie caught on, rolled her eyes and dropped her napkin in her lap.
“Isn’t this nice?” she said with an undertone to suggest she was forcing pleasantness.
My father mumbled something in the affirmative, but I wasn’t sure I believed it.
The way he kept his head down felt like he was afraid. I could only imagine he was afraid Marie or I would say something that contradicted whatever lies, or half-truths, he had shared with Carol. The intense awkwardness of being forced to eat dinner together was like waiting for explosions at any moment.
Could I possibly end all of this now just by speaking the truth? Or would the drama that unfolded be as erratic and unexpected as Carol showing up today?
Did my father have any sort of idea what he was doing? Or was he just waiting for Carol to find out what the truth was, letting the clock tick until a problem arose?
Marie started to eat, spearing a fork at her plate with a loud tap.
“Let’s wait until your father eats first,” Carol said. “Manners dictate that the head of the house eats before anyone else.”
Was that true? Suddenly I was thinking of all the times I had eaten with the guys.
Who was head of the household there? Was I supposed to wait for any of them? She was a normal person, so it had me wondering what normal families did.
My cheeks heated as I wondered about social politeness that I hadn’t taken notice of at all before.
My father made what sounded like a small grunt at being put on the spot, and took a quick bite of meat. Carol then nodded to us and encouraged us to eat from that point.
I poked at the vegetables. They were salted but mostly tasteless. Everything else I ate mindlessly.
The portions she had served me were relatively small, so I didn’t think I’d have trouble finishing.
I followed Jimmy’s example and tried to remember what was polite around a dinner table. Things like no elbows, wiping your mouth, and sitting up without slouching seemed to be all I could remember.
During the meal, the house phone rang. The sound of it shocked me enough that I jolted upright, scooting my chair a bit on the floor.
“We don’t answer the phone during dinner,” Carol said to me.
I didn’t think to answer it, but she didn’t realize how odd even that sound was in this house. Not many called before, maybe telemarketers and such. However, the phone was often left on silent and never answered.
Everyone slowed their eating and listened. Eventually the sound ceased as the call was redirected to voice mail. The phone blinked to indicate it had a message.
I scrunched my eyebrows, glancing over my shoulder at the phone. I was sure the guys were able to intercept the phone calls and wouldn’t let just anyone call at this point. That they’d let one through made me wonder who it could be.
No one asked for seconds, and when everyone was finished, Jimmy asked to be excused.
“Who will help with the dishes?” Carol asked, looking between Marie and myself.
I didn’t really want to, but if I got on her good side, maybe it would make things easier.
If I forced Marie to do everything, she might spill way more information than I wanted. Making her life easier might spare us all.
I swallowed and raised my hand just over the edge of the table.
Carol brightened and seemed to relax. “You don’t have to raise your hand, Sang, but I appreciate you volunteering.”
It was a split second after that I considered I’d be downstairs doing the dishes and that would give Jimmy a chance to search the attic space alone.
I hoped Gabriel was watching. We needed a better way for him to hide up there.
Marie was still chewing her last bite when she stood up. “So I can go back upstairs now?”
“I need to see your room clean tonight before you go to sleep,” Carol said. “It needs to be vacuumed, the ceiling fan dusted, and new sheets put on that bed. Wash them now so they’re dry by the time you want to go to sleep.”
Marie kept her head down, strands of her long brown hair covering her face. She mumbled something on her way out. Despite her dour attitude and the fact that I had to worry about her betrayal, I was sorry for her and what we were going through.
I needed to talk to her. I needed to know what Carol knew, and hopefully convince Marie not to say too much.
I wished she’d let me help her more. Like me, she’d been through so much. She didn’t deserve much of it. As much as I wanted to dislike her because of how she sometimes treated me, she was still my sister, and it was hard to forget the times when she had tried to help me.
Suddenly I wondered if trying to plan an escape helped her at all. What happened to her if I left at any point?
For Marie, Carol might be good for her. Sure, she was a shock right now, but Carol could help her finish up school and make sure she was taken care of. If she’d hoped for something normal, like I always had, this might be something she needed.
Was I selfish to want to disrupt it all by getting Carol to go away? Or if I left, would it somehow affect how Marie was treated by Carol? Would it ruin things for all of them to be normal?
My father left the table to sit at his computer in the family room. Not a word spoken to anyone. I wondered if he had any sort of plan at all. His quiet, tense disposition felt like he was just letting things fall where they might and hoping nothing fell apart under him.
I pressed my lips together, trying not to appear to be frowning, but I couldn’t help but feel I was secretly trying to clean up his mess. He didn’t seem to want to be here at all. He didn’t have the guts to stand up to Carol to stop her.
Jimmy thundered up the stairs. Marie walked up, heading to her room. I heard their footsteps. Jimmy’s were as loud as my heart in my chest.
Carol found containers to put the rest of the food away. I cleared the table of dishes. “You need to wash everything by hand before putting the dishes into the dishwasher,” she said. “And wash the pots and utensils separately and don’t put them in the dishwasher. Just dry and put them away.”
I wondered why she wanted everything done by hand, but she didn’t offer an explanation.
This was going to take longer than I’d thought. I cleared the table and soaked everything in soapy water. I opened the dishwasher, still full of dishes.
When I opened the cabinets, they’d been rearranged. Some items were new. I studied them quietly for a moment. I glanced at Carol to see if she’d noticed me hesitating. She had her back to me, saying nothing, but focused on clearing the table and wiping it down.
I couldn’t imagine being in a new house and rearranging everything. Things that belonged to other people.
I had let things go, wanting to leave. I couldn’t imagine how angry Marie was right now. In a sense, this had been her house for a while.
Carol dumped crumbs and a paper towel into the trash and then reached for the phone. She pushed the voice mail button and put the phone to her ear.
My muscles tensed, and I moved slower, trying to pretend I was focused on dishes. I waited, trying to hear what she was listening to. I could hear mumbling, but I couldn’t make out what was said.
Carol’s face changed, an eyebrow lifting. She looked at me.
My heart raced, and I felt my blood drain from my face. School? My stepmother? The guys calling and she hated that a boy was calling for me? I couldn’t imagine who it was or what the guys were planning.
Carol pushed a button on the phone and then passed it to me. “You’ve got a job?” she asked.
What? I dried my hands on my clothes quickly, reaching for the phone to listen.
“This message is for Sang Sorenson,” Uncle’s voice came through on the phone. In the background, there was the clanging of pots and other kitchen sounds. “Is she back yet? Luke’s out on Sunday. Came down with the flu. I can’t have him here getting everyone else sick. I know it isn’t the schedule we agreed to, but if you can help me out, give me a call.”
I hoped Luke didn’t have the flu. I thought it odd that Uncle was calling now. He didn’t really need me.
The guys might have asked him to. But I didn’t understand their plan. Why get Uncle involved?
What was going on?
I had to run with it. I saved the message and nodded slowly to answer Carol. “Yeah,” I said quietly. “The diner that opened up. I…” I stalled, unsure what to say, trying to figure out this plan the boys might have come up with.
The phone rang in my hand, startling me into dropping it on the counter.
Carol rolled her head back shortly. “My God, child. You’re a skittering mouse.”
“Sorry.”
She picked the phone up quickly and answered it. “Hello. Sorenson residence. This is Carol speaking.”
My skin prickled at “Sorenson residence.” It suddenly occurred to me if she managed to marry my father, she’d take that name.
Carol listened and instantly shot a look at me. “She’s here. May I ask who is calling?” Pause. “Yes, one second.” She covered the phone to talk to me privately. “Your friend Jessica is on the phone.”
Jessica?
How many people were the guys going to get involved?
I reached for the phone, feeling odd that I could have a phone conversation at all. Especially in front of her.
I wondered if my father could hear this. Such things had never been allowed before. Jobs? Phone calls? It was unheard of.
Carol remained nearby, watching me as I spoke into the phone. “Hello?” I said quietly.
“Hey,” Jessica said quickly. “Kota’s here. One second. Talk about camp. Like tell me what happened.”
What were they doing? Couldn’t he have waited for me to get back upstairs and use the cell phone? I faked a smile, even though it was awkward. I did my best to come up with something to sound like I was just chatting with a friend. “Oh, uh, camp was fine. It…was cold. The first night, I couldn’t sleep very well. I didn’t even realize my sleeping bag was heated.”
“I’m here,” Kota said.
I paused. I was nervous talking to him. He’d been so unhappy with me, yelled at by Victor over me. I’d kissed Gabriel and he’d seen it. He’d said he couldn’t stop picturing it.
I had made a mess of things. Yet here he was, talking to me, reaching out to me for some unknown reason. With Carol looking at me, I had to force myself to stay on task. “Eventually we got it to work,” I said quietly. “Someone eventually showed me how.”
Kota continued. “Don’t react to what I’m saying. We’re testing boundaries with Carol when it comes to you. We’ll just talk about camp a bit and see how long it takes before she says you’ve got to go. Did you like the food at camp?”
“The food was okay,” I said and then leaned against the counter. “Actually, I ate mostly Pop Tarts.”
Kota chuckled, and hearing the sound softened my fears a little. “Aren’t you tired of those yet? Anyway, after I get off the phone with you, it’s okay to tell her about Uncle and the job. Tell her you’ve got a job with a schedule, Jessica is your friend who lives on this block and you sometimes spend the night at her house. My mom will verify anything. We may bring in another girl that’s more your age for this. Let’s test your leash, so to speak. The more you’re out of the house, the better. Tell me about Mrs. Rose and the hike.”
I suddenly understood. Carol was normal. If I established this was what was normal for me, she’d possibly accept it. It’d be weird later if I never went anywhere right from the start and then suddenly had social and other obligations.
Between school, a job, and a friend I went to see, I’d have plenty to occupy my time, and plenty of reasons to be away from here.
Was that the plan? That I’d stay and just get out when I could?
What about moving?
I relayed to him the crazy hike and the cave experience from camp. Carol went back to wiping down the table and other things around the kitchen, always within earshot. I ran the water quietly, washing, rinsing and putting dishes in the dishwasher while talking.
“Okay, let’s not push it,” he said after a bit. “Say: Okay, I’ll ask, and then ask her if you can come over on Sunday, or if she can come over and study. We don’t care about the answer. Just want to hear what she says.”
My nerves electrified and I swallowed. I tried to automate this, do it without thinking so I wouldn’t chicken out. “Okay, I’ll ask.” I paused in my washing and turned.
Carol immediately stopped, holding a damp paper towel in her hands. Her eyebrows arched, expecting.
She knew exactly what this was. She didn’t seem irritated, though. That was good, right?
I kept the phone by my ear to be able to hear Kota. “She wants to know if she can come here to study on Sunday, or if I can go to her place to study.”
“You can’t go anywhere where I haven’t met the parents,” she said in an almost singsong tone.
“She can meet her anytime,” he said in my ear. “She’ll be here Sunday morning.”
“She…said her mom will be there Sunday morning if you’d like to come by. They live only a few houses down.”
Carol made a tight smile and then nodded. “It might be nice to meet some neighbors.”
Kota blew a breath into the phone. “We’ll try to keep that under control. Tell her to come by anytime.”
“She said come by anytime.”
“We will. Now you’ve got to finish the dishes and your room.”
“I have to go,” I said, turning back to the sink to look at it, my heart beating so quickly. She…was acting normal. This gave me some hope.
“Don’t forget to talk about the job and see how much you can work there. We’ll add more things over time. Don’t worry.” He paused and then spoke softly. “I’m with you, Sang. I’m right here.”
There was desperation in his voice, a concerned tone.
I wish he hadn’t said it, as I was tearing up looking at the sink. “Talk to you later,” I said quietly, trying not to let my voice quiver.
He paused for a long moment and then said quickly, “Miss you already.” He hung up after that.
Did he mean it? Elation spilled through me, wishing he’d said more. I put the phone back on the hub and sought to control my feelings. “Thank you,” I said quietly.
I sensed Carol still behind me. While there was an air of salt from dinner, and soap we were using to clean, I could smell the perfume she used, a little too acidic and sharp for my taste. “For what?”
I didn’t really know. I was forcing myself to be polite even though I was tired and hated this game I had to play around her. I realized it probably didn’t make any sense, but she was waiting for me to answer. I turned to her, looking at the tiled floor, the same tiles I stared at for hours on a stool once as punishment for lying. It seemed a lifetime ago now. I didn’t know why I was thinking about it now. Probably because I was again uncomfortable and looking at the same floor. “For…letting me talk to Jessica?”
Carol gave me a dark stare, rag in hand, her blouse shifting slightly as she was breathing. She glanced toward the living room, where my father was, and then up toward the ceiling, where her son was being very noisy walking around. “Finish up the dishes. We should talk.”
My insides tightened as hard as if I’d swallowed a baseball and it settled in my stomach. I nodded quietly, returning to the dishes and overwhelmed with thoughts of what she could possibly want to talk about that she couldn’t just say here.
Whatever it was, I knew I had to go through it. I needed to find out everything she knew.
Why was part of me hoping she tried something? Something so severe that I could just walk away forever?