Friday, September 2
(Kate)
Gus and I have been getting by for several days on just daily texts or two-minute phone calls while he's on smoke breaks. His schedule has been brutal. They've only been back to the apartment for a few hours every night to grab some sleep and then back at it all over again. So I'm shocked when I get a text while I'm at the cafeteria dining with Clayton and Pete. It says, Wanna Skype?
I text back, HELL YES! Give me 15.
I excuse myself and run back to the dorms to boot up my laptop.
That familiar rush of happiness stirs when I see his face on the screen. He looks exhausted, but content. "Hola, señorita bonita."
"Como esta, dude?"
"I'm good, Bright Side, I'm good. You?"
"Fantastic. What's happening in the world of rock and roll these days? You gonna tell me which other songs made the album or what? How long do I have to wait? My patience has reached its limit."
Gus is out on the balcony, and he already has a lit cigarette in his hand. No wonder he looks so calm. He smiles. "You ready?"
I'm bouncing in my chair. "Yeah, I'm ready! You're killing me here. Dude, I've been waiting, like, my whole life, forever, to hear this news. So spill it." And because I haven't said it yet, I point to the cigarette on my laptop screen. "Oh, and you should quit." I'm so excited about everything else that it doesn't sound convincing at all.
He just smiles. And then he runs through the list.
I'm mentally ticking them off in my mind as he names them. I'm so stoked. "Dude, I have to tell you something."
He looks worried. "What?"
"This is going to be the greatest album of all time. I hope you're prepared to get crazy rich and famous, move to your own private island when you're not touring, marry a new supermodel every couple of years, own a pet lion, and live on whiskey and heroin."
He laughs. "Bright Side, you make it sound so glamorous. You promise that's how it's gonna be?" I love it when he's sarcastic.
"Definitely, though if you want a monkey instead of a lion, or vodka instead of whiskey, hey, knock yourself out. You're the master of your rock and roll universe."
He laughs even harder. "Dude, I knew I wasn't in this for the music, not when there's this whole world of debauchery out there."
"I think debauchery and day to day are synonymous in the Rock God world. You say poh-tay-toh; I say poh-tah-toh."
"Oh, you know me, Bright Side, even if by some stroke of luck we have some degree of success with this I'll still probably live with Ma, surf every minute I can, and live on veggie tacos and cigarettes."
I smile because he's right, even if he were a multi-billionaire that's probably exactly how he'd live. He's grounded and down to earth. Money means nothing to him. That's probably why we get along so well. People are our priority. I love that about him. "Seriously, dude, I am so fucking proud of you. When do I get to hear it?"
"I'm hoping I can get my hands on something next week to send to you, but you have to promise not to bullshit me. I need honest criticism."
I raise my right hand. "I solemnly swear not to bullshit you."
He smiles. "That's my girl." Followed by a pause. "Dude, I was listening to 'Missing You' today, and I was wondering if, you know, if you've given any thought to playing your violin again?"
I shake my head. "Nope, honestly I don't really miss it. That's kind of sad, huh? Maybe someday I will. Who knows? I just can't right now." It reminds of Grace too much. It hurts too much.
"Okay." His voice is sad. "It's just that the world's a more beautiful place when you play. That's all I'm saying." He pauses and when I don't speak he continues. "So, what's happening in your world? How's school, work, the stripper, the gimp?"
I'm relieved by the topic change, and I laugh. "School's great—I still can't believe I'm actually here. And work's rad. You'd love the girl I work with, Shelly. She's kind of angry on the outside and sweet on the inside."
"Right on. Sounds like my kind of girl."
"The stripper is, well...the stripper is, how shall I put this politely?"
"Politely? Shit, that's never stopped you before. Give it to me."
"The stripper has a fairly active sex life. In our dorm room. I witnessed it firsthand."
"Firsthand? Minnesota is turning you into some sort of sexual deviant. You watched? Next, you're gonna tell me you're making pornos with the gimp across the hall."
"Dude, I walked in on her. I was fucking mortified. She swears like a champion, even mid-thrust."
He tips his chair back he's laughing so hard. "No way! That's too funny."
"Yeah, well, not so funny when I'm the jackass marching in on her. And another thing, correct me if I'm wrong, but when you go to some chick's place for a horizontal workout you don't stick around to snuggle it out the rest of the night, right?"
He's still laughing. "Dude, that's One Night Stand 101. You get your ass out of there as soon as the deed is done." He stops laughing. "Wait. Back the bus up. Where did you spend the night while she was playing sleepover?"
"Oh, Clayton let me sleep with him."
His face is suddenly deadly serious. "Whoa, is Clayton the gay neighbor or the leather-clad perv?"
"Clayton is definitely one hundred percent homosexual."
He's taken on this fatherly tone, "Bright Side, you can't just crash in a room with two dudes you just met."
"Gus, they're completely harmless. Baby kittens are scarier than these two."
He runs his fingers through his hair and pulls it back into a ponytail; he's getting frustrated with me. He always plays with his hair when he's frustrated. "Bright Side, listen to me, you have no idea how fucking gorgeous you are or the effect you have on guys. They want to get in your panties the instant they see you. And then they fucking fall in love with you after they spend five minutes with you." He huffs. I know another cigarette is coming any second now. "All I'm saying is you have to be careful, all right?"
I roll my eyes. "Exaggerate much? Gus, you're talking to Kate Sedgwick, remember? I don't date. And I know how to ward off unwanted advances."
He shakes his head. "You couldn't ward off a rape, Bright Side. You weigh a hundred pounds soaking wet. Just please promise me that you'll be safe and watch out for yourself. If some son of a bitch forced himself on you...fuck. I'd have to come to Minnesota and commit murder, and I'm pretty sure prison isn't in MFDM's game plan."
"Gus—"
He interrupts. "You're going to get a lot of attention up there. Guys are going to be throwing themselves at you. Be selective...because you deserve so much more than some random dude fucking you in the back of a van or your best friend in his mom's guest room."
That about sums up my sexual past. There have only been a few guys and I was selective. I'm not a slut, I was opportunistic. Once and done, no strings attached, no apologies. I enjoyed all of them. But Gus was different. He wasn't planned, but he's also far from random. And this is somehow now about him. "Gus." I wish he wouldn't do this. He's vilifying himself.
"No, Bright Side, listen, you are so special. You deserve someone who takes you out on real dates. Someone who buys you flowers and shit. Because if there's anyone in this world who's capable of insane amounts of love and who deserves to be loved that way in return, it's you."
I shake my head. "I don't do hearts and flowers, Gus."
"When you find the right guy you will. You just haven't found him yet." His voice sounds sad.
Life has never afforded me time or opportunity to date. Friends and family have always been my priorities, and I've loved them with my whole heart. Guys, sex, they were just a physical attraction, a physical act. With Gus it was more, it was love, but it wasn't love. Love is an elusive, unrealistic, foreign concept. I know some people feel it, and it's not that I'm hardened. I'm an optimist, but first and foremost I'm a realist. My life will not follow a fairy tale, and that's okay. My life is reality. And in my reality people don't fall in love and get married and live happily ever after, because life is complicated. And messy. I'm happy knowing that fairy tales exist out there for people, like Shelly. (Shelly would probably kick my ass if she knew I put her name and fairy tale in the same sentence.)
This time, I hold my finger up to interrupt the moment. "Hold on a sec." I stand and walk across the hall and knock on Clayton and Pete's door, because right now I need to make Gus feel better.
Pete answers. "Hi, Kate."
"Hey, Pete. Can you and Clay come over to my room? It'll only take a sec."
Pete looks at Clayton who's concealed behind the door. Clayton's voice chimes in. "Sure thing, honey."
They follow me across the hall. Gus's head is resting against the back of his chair, and his eyes are closed. He's halfway through a cigarette. He's concentrating so hard on the calm that's filtering through him that he doesn't hear me re-enter the room.
"Wakey, wakey, sleeping beauty."
He smiles before he opens his eyes.
"I want to introduce you to two friends of mine." I step aside so Gus can see Clayton and Peter.
Gus smiles as he takes them in. He's clearly not as concerned for my safety anymore. They are the two least threatening guys you'll ever meet, and I'm fairly sure that resonates loud and clear, even across a computer screen. "What's up, dudes?"
Clayton waves and his cheeks flush. "Hello." Oh shit, I may have just witnessed love at first sight. Gus isn't wearing a shirt, and he does look really good. Clayton's practically hyperventilating. I feel like I should get him a paper bag or administer CPR. Does our dorm have a defibrillator?
Peter raises his left hand but looks confused and terrified at the same time. "Hi."
I intercede and point to the screen. "This is my best friend, Gus Hawthorne. Gus, these are my Minnesota friends, Clayton and Peter."
Clayton and Peter look panicked. I guess Gus is kind of intimidating. He's tall and broad and muscular. He's got this presence, that's intimidating...even on a computer screen. And when guys are as good-looking as Gus is, people seem either to want to challenge them, flirt with them, or cower in fear. Clay and Pete are definitely cowering, even though Clay still looks smitten. I guess Clayton and Peter don't know it yet, but Gus is a big teddy bear.
Clayton and Pete suddenly trip over their words and talk over one another, saying, "It's nice to meet you," and, "It's a pleasure to meet you." They're both so formal.
Gus smiles, and I know he's about to laugh, but he's trying so hard to be polite. "Nice to meet you two as well."
I clap my hands. "Okay, awesome, everyone knows each other. We're all one big happy family." I look at Gus. "Are you happy now?"
He's wearing the biggest shit-eating grin. "You have no idea."
I look back at Clayton and Pete. "Thanks for coming to meet Gus. I'll be over as soon as I'm off this call."
They both nod, speechless.
Gus is loving this. "You guys have a stellar evening and take care of my girl, okay?"
They nod in unison again, mouths slightly open, and follow each other back to their room, one looking just as confused as the other. Pete's in awe and Clayton probably has a raging hard-on. Gus has this effect on people.
Gus claps his hands and bursts out laughing when he hears the door click shut. "Oh Christ, Bright Side, not that you don't need to be on your guard, but you're safe as houses with those two. I'm telling you, Pete is definitely not into role playing or S&M, but goddamn if I couldn't stop myself from picturing the dude in leather chaps like you said. That's some funny shit."
I try not to laugh, but I can't help myself. Gus's laugh is infectious. "I told you."
"Seriously, though, they did seem decent."
"That's because they are. They're good dudes."
He smiles and nods. Then we're quiet for several seconds.
"Thanks for worrying about me, though," I muster. "It's kinda nice to know there's someone out there who gives a shit. So thanks."
"Anytime. It's my mission in life, to give a shit."
I smile.
He smiles.
"Well, Bright Side, I'm gonna let you go for tonight. It's been awesome, possum."
"Always. And likewise."
"I love you, Bright Side."
"Love you, too, Gus."
"Good night."
"Good night."
I shut down my laptop and head across the hall. The door's been left open for me, so I walk right in.
"Sorry if that was weird, but thanks. Gus was a little freaked out about me sleeping in your room so I wanted him to meet you guys so he'd get off my ass about it."
Clayton is lying on his bed fanning himself with a magazine. His cheeks are still red. "Katherine, why didn't you tell me you're dating Adonis?"
"He's pretty cute, huh, Clayton?"
"Cute? He's magnificent."
"He's not my boyfriend. He's my best friend."
Pete pipes up, "Why did he say 'take care of my girl' then?"
I shake my head. "I don't know, Pete. He always calls me that; it's like a term of endearment."
Clayton raises his eyebrows and wiggles them. "It certainly is. Listen, I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but you are batshit crazy if you let that one get away."
"Batshit crazy?"
He nods. "Bat. Shit. Crazy."