Monday, December 19
(Keller)
My mother hasn't talked to me in a month. She's still upset with me for changing my major...my whole life, I guess. I know it shouldn't bother me because it's what we do, what we've done my entire life. There's a pattern: I try like hell, but it's never good enough, and she's disappointed, I feel like a failure...repeat...repeat...repeat.
I guess it's bothering me because for the first time in my life, I'm proud of myself. I feel focused. I feel confident. I feel brave. And I feel all of these things because of Katie. Being around her these past few months has changed me. I'm a better man because of her.
Why can't my mother see that?
Katie and I drove from Grant to Chicago earlier today. We had dinner with Stella and Melanie here at my parents' house. My father's working the ER tonight and Mother refused to join us.
Dinner was melancholy given that it's probably the last time we'll see Melanie for a long time. She's moving back to Seattle. We promised to stay in touch, but we both know how that goes. Promises are easy. She's going to live with her parents and go to school to finish her degree. I'm happy for her. She's a good person. I don't know what I would've done without her. She's been Stella's angel for almost four years. I can't thank her enough.
Stella cried when Melanie left. It tore me up. And for a split second, it made me wonder if I was doing the right thing.
It's after eleven o'clock now. Stella's been asleep for a little over two hours and my mother's in her office where she's been holed up since we arrived this afternoon.
Katie went to sleep in the guest room about an hour ago. This past week has been hectic, and she hasn't slept as much as she needs to. I can tell that she's struggling. She's so strong, the strongest person I've ever known, and she tries to put on a brave face for everyone, but when she's alone, she allows the pain to take over. I've seen it, and it breaks my heart. The reality that I'm going to lose her becomes more real every day.
I don't want to lose her.
I'd take her place if I could. She's the only other person, besides Stella, that I can't honestly say I would die for. I wouldn't even hesitate. I would take a fucking bullet for either of my girls.
I throw the covers back off the bed, because I can't just lie here any longer. I pace around my room chewing on my fingernails. There's nothing left of them. I'm anxious as hell, and my mind is racing. I can't turn it off enough to get some sleep.
I throw a pair of pajama bottoms on over my boxers and walk across the hall to check on Stella. She's fast asleep. She looks so peaceful that it makes my heart swell with love. Katie was right. I am so blessed.
My next stop is Katie's room. She's asleep on her left side. She's been sleeping like this for the past week. She says she's just more comfortable in this position, but I know the real reason. The pain is killing her. It's so intense that she can't lie on her back or stomach anymore.
I fucking hate cancer.
She's in a deep sleep, but I know it won't last. It never does. She's the lightest sleeper I've ever seen. She must wake up a dozen times every night, and her discomfort only makes it worse.
When she stayed at my place, I used to love to watch her sleep. She's so beautiful that sometimes I would lie next to her and just watch her. The rise and fall of her chest. The flutter behind her eyelids as her mind raced through dreams. The absolute tranquility was breathtaking. Sometimes I would daydream, wondering, What would it be like to get to keep her forever? What would it be like to marry her? What would she look like carrying my child? What would our child look like?
Last week, I stopped watching her sleep. Her pain has begun to take hold of her in the night. Her body stiffens against it. Her face contorts, fighting it. Sometimes she cries out. The tranquility is gone. And that shatters me.
So I don't watch.
Tonight I can't bring myself to be anywhere else but in this room with her, because I feel like I don't have much time left. I don't want to disturb her, so I sit on the sofa across the room from the bed. The darkness shields her from my eyes, but I can still feel her. I lean my head back and close my eyes, taking it all in. I don't know how long I sit there, an hour or more, before I decide I should go to bed and try and get some rest. When I reach the door, though, I can't. I know I won't be able to breathe if I leave this room. So I walk over to the bed and slowly pull the covers back and slide in beside her. The king-size bed is gigantic compared to the twin we're used to sharing. There are feet of space between us.
"You're not going to sleep all the way over there, are you?" Her voice is sleepy and hoarse.
It makes me smile and the anxiety that's been building in my chest the past few hours disappears. "How'd you know I was in here with you?"
She laughs. "You're not as stealthy as you think you are, Keller Banks. You'd make a horrible burglar. Or ninja. Don't change your major again."
I inch my way to her side of the bed and press my entire body against the back of hers and wrap my arms around her. She's warm. I could live in this moment forever. I kiss the back of her head twice. "Good night, Katie."
"Good night."
It's quiet, and I'm almost certain she's drifted back off to sleep.
"Keller?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for coming in. I hate sleeping alone." She intertwines her fingers with mine, and raises them to her mouth to kiss the back of my hand.
"I love you, babe." I have to get the words out before I get any more choked up than I already am.
"I love you, too, baby...I love you, too, baby." She says it twice so I don't have to ask her to say it again.
I really do love her. So. Much.