Friday, January 27
(Keller)
We've been home for five days now. I'm back to work and classes, and Stella started preschool and her new daycare routine. She settled right in. I knew she would. She's flexible and friendly and curious. She could thrive anywhere.
I've avoided Katie's CD. It's been sitting on my dresser next to a photo of the two of us since we got home and I unpacked it. I've had it in my hands, prepared to tear it open three different times, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I'm staring at it again now.
It's staring back.
It's after eleven and I should be asleep, but sleeping without her here with me is difficult. I've been sleeping in my recliner the past few nights.
I pull back the covers on my bed and crawl in. I bury my face in my pillow and inhale. It still smells like her. She's been gone from the apartment for a month now, and I can't bring myself to wash the pillowcase. I still sleep with one of my shirts that she slept in. It still smells like her, too, though it's starting to fade. Sometimes I wonder if it's disappeared completely and it's only my imagination stirring the scent of her. Rolling to my back, I stare at the ceiling. "Katie, I miss you. So fucking much. Every second of every day I think about you. I'm going to listen to your CD now. I know it's going to make me cry, but I'm working on the whole being brave thing. You're still in my head leading that charge, so here goes." My hands are shaking when I reach for the envelope. I run my fingers over my name written in her distinctive script—it's petite, bold, and one-of-a-kind, just like she was.
I slide my finger under the flap and hesitate. Suddenly this envelope in my hand is the scariest damn thing I can imagine. I feel hot, like I might throw up. My breathing is accelerating like I'm in an all-out sprint. I pinch my eyes shut in an attempt to shut everything else out.
"You are brave," I remind myself. I say it several times before I open my eyes again. They're burning and wet with panic. One more time, I'm looking directly at the CD. "You are brave. I am brave."
I tear back the flap and pull out the CD inside. It's unmarked. No label. No indication or clue as to what I'm in for.
I pull my laptop out of its bag next to my bed and power it up. I bring up my folder of photos before I insert the CD because I need to look at her face while I listen to this. I have a few dozen that I took over the past couple of months. Some are of both of us, some of her and Stella, and some of just Katie. Earbuds plugged in and inserted in both ears, I wipe my eyes, open up the CD menu, and push play. Nothing could prepare me for what I'm about to hear. It's her voice. Speaking to me. If I close my eyes, I can pretend she's in the room with me. That's just what I do.
"Hi, Keller. I know you're listening to this after I'm gone and this is probably a little strange, but if it were me I'd want to hear your voice again. So, here goes, baby.
"I grew up believing it was my job to take care of everyone. My sister needed me. My mother needed me. I grew up believing in love, both giving and receiving. Gracie, Gus, Audrey, my friends...I loved them, and they loved me. They kept me from turning into the bitter, jaded person I could have become. The person I fought against. I grew up believing I had to be strong. I needed to keep my shit in check because people depended on me and I wanted to be there for them.
"Do I regret any of it? Hell no. I don't do regrets. It made me who I am.
"But the day I walked into Grounds and met you, talked to you, flirted with you? Something in me changed. It was one of the best days of my life. Period. Besides being outrageously attracted to you physically, because let's face it Keller, you're sexy: your eyes, your face, your hair, your ass... Mmm... But there was also something genuine about you that was even more attractive than your good looks. You were friendly, a bit vulnerable, a bit nervous, and very, very real. I knew we had to be friends.
"I fought falling for you. I fought it hard, because I'm Kate Sedgwick. And in addition to being the type of person that doesn't do relationships, I was dying.
"Still, you sucked me in. I fell in love with you a little more each day. I loved your crooked smile. I loved that you read classic literature. I loved that you hated it when I was late. And I loved your patience. I loved the way you listened to me like I was the only person in the world. I loved that you played guitar. I loved that you liked your coffee black (the best way to drink it). I loved that you were not only a daddy, but an amazing daddy. Your dedication to your daughter is the sexiest damn thing, which I know sounds weird, but it is. I loved that you were thoughtful and romantic. I loved that you have this natural instinct for teaching. Anything. I loved that you work your ass off. I loved your persistence and inability to take no for an answer. I loved that you wore your passion on your sleeve and that you couldn't always keep your emotions in check. You called me out on my shit. People don't do that to me. I needed it. And I loved it.
"You gave me my own real-life fairy tale. I trusted you with my heart. I've never done that before, but you made the leap so worthwhile. Your love, the way you made me feel loved deep in my bones? It was heaven. Physically and emotionally, I felt so...loved. When you talked to me? When you looked at me? When you touched me? I felt worshipped. I felt beautiful. I felt cherished. I felt your devotion and your passion. It was overwhelming in the most exciting and satisfying way. I hope you felt it in return.
"Through all of this you taught me that it's okay not only to depend on another person, but it's okay to let them carry the burden with you, even for you. I could let myself cry in front of you. And I don't cry. I could be weak and vulnerable when I needed to be, and you didn't judge me. You could be strong for both of us. I could give my fears a voice. I could talk about my family and my past. You don't know what a relief that was for me. Your support was just...unbelievable.
"I went to Minnesota prepared to strike college off my bucket list. But what I never imagined was that I'd find you. Thank you, Keller Banks.
"Now I need to talk about your future, because it's important to me that you hear this. Finish your degree and teach high school English. You have a gift to share. You'll be just like Sidney Poitier in To Sir, With Love. Lucky kids. Find a special place in the world for you and Stella, where she can blossom into the incredible woman I have no doubt she'll become. Encourage her, support her, love her...I know you will. And please, please find someone you can share that huge heart of yours with. Because when you give yourself over to love, baby, it's breathtaking. You love mind, body, and soul. No doubts. No questions. No restraint. Find that kind of love again. And when you do, I hope that she makes you as happy as you've made me. Stella needs brothers and sisters, Keller. Miss Higgins is an awesome turtle, but she's a terrible substitute for a sibling.
"I know that you're sad right now. Grieve, but don't hold onto it. Grief smothers out life. Let it go. Remember me and be happy. You have an incredible life ahead of you. Make the most of every minute. Starting right now.
"You are brave. Repeat it with me: you are brave.
"I love you, baby...I love you, baby."
My heart is aching, and my face is wet with tears. It's then that I realize I'm smiling...smiling while my broken heart is threatening to split me in two. The smile is one small bit of happiness that never leaves me—it's Katie, through and through. I never knew happiness could feel like this before I met her. My heart had been closed off for a long time, but she broke it wide open when she walked through the door of Grounds that day. It only took moments. Not only was she adorable with her messy hair and intense eyes and that damn homemade T-shirt, but she was confident and funny and kind. She was the most honest person I've ever met. She had life all figured out, and she knew how to treat people, to make them feel special and valued. I gave her everything I had. I let her see the good and bad. I showed her things no one else had ever seen. She forced me to take a hard look at myself and my life. And her love gave me the courage to change it.
I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. The black hole that Gus and I talked about—I'm fighting it every day. I'm fighting for her...and for me...and for my daughter.
Katie had an unbelievable gift for making the best of any situation, good or bad. It sounds easy, but in any situation short of nirvana, it's difficult. Katie's happiness, her consistent optimism, was work for her. I don't think she'd deny that. It took courage to persevere through every day. The happiness, the thoughtfulness, the humor was part of her, but it was also deliberate, a conscious choice. I can't help but think back to what Gus said months ago. Katie didn't just look on the bright side...she lived there.
He was right.
And that made her the bravest person I've ever known.
You are brave...