Saturday, December 31
(Kate)
Dr. Connell gave me a handicapped placard for my car. I've never used it before today. It's lying on the dashboard because Keller and I both silently agreed not to display it until the last minute. After Keller finds a parking spot close to the terminal, he waits until I open the passenger door to get out before he slips it on the rearview mirror.
I open the door and help Stella out of her child safety seat while Keller gets my rolling suitcase out of the back hatch. He's shipping my violin and the rest of my belongings—which don't amount to much—to Audrey's house on Monday.
I'm looking at the terminal and even though it's fairly close, I wonder how in the hell I'm going to walk all that way. Just looking at it makes me feel short of breath. He sees the apprehension in my face and turns around, searching the lot for something. "Katie, why don't you get back in the car and I'll see if I can find a wheelchair. I'm sure they have one that we can borrow to get you inside." He looks sad to have to say it; like he's afraid he'll hurt my feelings.
I know I shouldn't hesitate. That I should just let him get the damn wheelchair. But the thought of it seems impossible to accept. I stand in quiet protest. He knows this is hard for me.
He walks over and kneels down in front of Stella. "Hey, big girl, you think you can help me out?"
She nods enthusiastically.
He takes her hand and walks her to my suitcase. "You think you can pull this inside the airport?"
She nods again and takes the handle confidently. She tips it, and the handle almost hits the ground before she recovers and finds the right balance. She looks up and beams at him. "Got it. Ready, Daddy?"
He smiles back. "Almost." Keller turns his back to me and squats to the ground. "Climb on, babe."
I can't help but laugh. "Keller, you're not going to carry me."
He shrugs. "It's not carrying; it's a piggyback ride. There's a difference. Ask Stella."
Stella's giggling. She thinks this is funny.
"What's the difference, Stella?"
The giggling stops, but she's still smiling. "Carrying is for when you're too sleepy to walk. Piggyback rides are for fun."
He smiles. "Well said, Stella. See? Come on, babe."
How can I argue with that kind of logic?
Even with Stella pulling the suitcase and Keller carrying me, we make good time through check-in and arrive at security fifteen minutes early. We sit down on a bench and Keller texts Gus our location.
Far too quickly, Gus is standing in front of me. I love seeing Gus, but the gravity of the situation is hitting me. This is another one of those final steps. I'm not dealing with final steps very well.
"Hey, Bright Side." He's squatting in front of me, kissing me on the forehead.
"Hey, Gus." I'm trying to be strong, but an overpowering sadness is rising within me.
Gus shakes Keller's hand, and Stella crawls up into Gus's lap. "Hi, Gus."
"Well hello, Miss Stella."
She's blinking her big, blue eyes at him. "Is Kate going to live with you and your mommy?"
He swallows and nods. This is hard for him, too. "She is."
"Daddy says she's sick."
Gus can only nod.
"Will you take good care of her?"
He swallows again and locks eyes with Keller. "I promise. We'll take good care of her."
Keller nods. It's thank you.
Gus nods. It's you're welcome.
Gus stands, lifting Stella into his arms. "Let's go get something to drink Stella. I'm thirsty, what about you?" They walk down the corridor towards a newspaper stand and snack shop.
I'm looking at Keller now, and I don't know what to say. I'm scared and I'm sad, but I know he feels the same way. I want to be strong for him, but the lump in my throat is making it so difficult.
He takes my hand in his, and reaches his other hand into the pocket of his coat and pulls out a sharpie. He uncaps the marker and writes on the palm of my left hand. You are brave.
The tears spill over one by one as I mouth, "Thank you."
He takes my face gently in both of his hands. There are tears in his eyes, too. "No, Katie, thank you. For everything. You are the bravest person I have ever known."
After what seems like merely a moment, Gus and Stella are approaching again. Stella has a bottle of juice and Gus is empty-handed. He wasn't thirsty; he was just giving us a minute alone.
Gus glances at his watch. "We'd probably better get going, Bright Side. Security lines are long."
I nod. I look down to see Stella tugging on my coat. "Kate." She's raising her arms up over her head.
I wish I could lift her, but I don't have the strength. Instead, I kneel down and hug her. She's so small and dainty. Her hair smells like lavender today. "Be good for your daddy, Stella."
She's clinging to me. "I will. Will you call us or talk to us on the computer?"
I squeeze tighter. "I will. Every day. I love you."
She pulls back and kisses me on the lips. "I love you, too."
The tears are ready to pour out again when I turn to Keller. He pulls me to his chest and slides his arms under my unzipped coat. His hands slide under my T-shirt at my lower back. He rubs circles slowly over my bare skin. Instantly, I feel a little calmer. I close my eyes and tuck my head into his neck. His lips are at my ear, tickling it beneath my hair. "Call me when you land, babe."
"I will."
He kisses my ear once, and whispers, "I love you more than you could possibly imagine."
I pull back and kiss him once. His lips are soft and welcoming. He cups his hand at the nape of my neck and pulls me back in for two more before resting his forehead against mine. "My imagination is endless," I say. There are tears in both our eyes now. His shirt is clenched in both of my hands. God, I don't want to let go.
"Good. So is my love." He smiles, and it's the happiest, saddest smile I've ever seen. You wouldn't think that two distinct emotions could live inside one smile, but they can. He's present. This moment is all that matters.
"Mine too. I love you, baby."
His eyes are closed. "One more time," he whispers.
"I love you, baby," I whisper back.
Stella is standing next to Gus again, tugging on the front of his T-shirt. "Gus you need to give Kate a piggyback ride. Not 'cause she's sleepy. Just for fun."
Gus ruffles Stella's hair. "Well, good thing I'm all about fun, kiddo." He turns and squats. "All aboard, Bright Side."
I climb on and Keller hands Gus my suitcase. "Thanks, man."
Gus waves as he takes a few steps backward down the corridor toward security. "Anytime, dude. Anytime."
When Gus turns, my back is to Keller and Stella, so I turn my head and watch them fade away. The three of us wave at each other until Gus turns the corner, and they're gone.