Sunday, December 25
(Kate)
"Merry Christmas, Kate." Audrey's voice has always sounded like an angel's voice to me, even over the phone. As a little kid, I remember going over to Gus and Audrey's house and looking forward to seeing her because she always talked to me. And she was nice when she did it. My mother didn't talk to Grace or me much and when she did she usually yelled. Audrey never yelled. I always thought that if I ever met an angel, she would sound just like Audrey.
"Merry Christmas, Audrey. Did you and Gus eat cinnamon rolls on the beach this morning?"
"We did." She's smiling, I hear it. Gus got home yesterday. She's missed him while he's been on tour. He always makes her smile.
Cinnamon rolls on the beach is a Hawthorne Christmas morning tradition. Every Christmas morning, before sunrise, Gracie and I would walk next door in our pajamas to Gus and Audrey's house. Gus was always awake because he was too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve. Gus loves Christmas. So, we would all wake Audrey up, and she'd put a pan of cinnamon rolls in the oven. When they were done she'd take us out on the beach in front of their house and spread out a blanket. We'd all sit down and eat, and we weren't allowed to open presents until the pan was empty. We did it every year. Those are my favorite Christmas memories. I remember that Gracie and I were always sad to go home after that. Our mother wasn't one to rise much before noon on any given day, and Christmas was no exception. She was never awake when we got home, and she never made us cinnamon rolls.
"I missed being there with you," I say. "I did bake cinnamon rolls for Keller and Stella this morning, though, and made them eat the whole pan before we opened presents. Slight rule change: we didn't go outside. Ten degrees is kinda hardcore."
She laughs. "Celebrating inside is probably best for Minnesota. I'm glad you could share the tradition with them."
"Me too." I want to share everything with them. Little things like this are important.
"Have you talked to Gus yet today? I can get him. He's down in the theater room watching a movie while I make dinner."
"That's okay; I talked to him earlier for a few minutes. I'll catch up with him later tonight. I wanted to talk with you, Audrey."
"Of course, dear, what is it?" Audrey has always composed herself extremely well. She wears her heart on her sleeve like Gus, but she's better at keeping her shit together. I bet that she's trying so hard to sound simply concerned and not scared right now.
"Remember how we talked about me coming home when it gets to be too much?"
"Of course, yes."
"I think it's almost time." I'm trying to fight back tears, because I really don't want to cry. This is reality, and this is just the next step.
She takes a deep breath. "Okay, sweetie. Okay...Yes..." Her mind must be reeling, because this isn't Audrey. Audrey never pauses or stumbles over thoughts or words. She always knows what to say.
A fist is clenching inside my chest because I'm beginning to fear that maybe she doesn't know what to do with me. Maybe I'm asking too much.
But she rebounds. "Sweetie, I'm going to put you in the guest room so you'll have your own bathroom. Email me your doctors' names and contact information. I want it for both your doctor here, as well as the one you've been seeing in Minnesota. I'll set up a conference call with both of them immediately and make sure I have everything I need here at the house to care for you properly. Make sure you include a complete list of any medications you're currently taking. I know you're allergic to penicillin, but if you have any other allergies I don't know about, include those too. Health insurance information would also be helpful. Do you have any other special requirements? Anything else I can put in your room? If so, let me know. I'll make sure everything's ready when you arrive."
Don't know why I doubted her. That's Audrey. She's fucking Wonder Woman. "Thank you, Audrey. I think I'll be there around New Year's if that's all right?"
"Kate, you're one of my children. You know that, sweetie. I wish with all my heart that you were coming back under different circumstances, but you are always welcome in my home. I would move heaven and Earth for you. I love you."
"I love you, too, very much."
"I'm giving you a big hug through the phone now. Can you feel it?" She's always been a hugger.
I can feel it.
I don't have the heart to tell Keller I talked to Audrey. He knows this has been coming. When it does it will crush him. I'm not looking forward to that. At all. I would tough it out here if I could, but I can't do that to him or Stella. I know the end is going to be ugly and demanding on everyone. I honestly don't want to ask anyone to be there with me through it, but if you can't ask your mom, who can you ask? I've always thought of Audrey as my mom. Janice may have been my mother, but Audrey is my mom. Even still, this is the first day of my entire life that I wish she wasn't. Someone like her shouldn't have to go through this.