PEOPLE COME AND go all night—or morning—I’m not sure how long I’ve been here. I’ve heard snippets of conversations, different guys coming in to see Brad and Jared. Devon never leaves, she holds my hand, and even though it hurts to think about everything that relates to her, I find comfort in it. Brad never leaves either. I know that must be hard on him because they’ve come here to do a job and Brad wants to be out there doing it.
I know from conversations that they have done some surveillance and Brad has been key in giving them the info they need in order to carry out their roles. He’s had a couple of laptops on the go from the corner of the room and a headset on at all times. Not sure who he’s talked to, but I’ve heard stuff like ‘clear on the right’ and ‘four to the left, a hundred yards out’ and other stuff I can’t quite recall. But he never leaves.
‘How long have I been here?’ I ask. It’s the first time I’ve really spoken, other than to say ‘fine’ every time I’m asked how I feel. Devon hasn’t spoken to me other than to ask me if I need anything a million times. I just wanted to leave, go home and forget about everything that hurts. But I’m stuck here—at least until I’m healed, and then I have to have rest before I can do anything normal. The doctor has explained what happened and why, but it’s a bit of a blur, and all feels a little bit surreal right now. Words like ectopic, none-viable, ruptured tube. I just want to go home. Home? Where is that now?
‘It’s been four days,’ Devon offers in answer. Four days. Feels like an eternity.
‘Brad?’ I look for him and find him in his usual spot with the laptops. He moves to me and takes my hand.
‘Still here, sweetheart.’ I nod because I knew that, but I want to talk to him. Not Devon.
‘Can you take me home? I want to go home?’ His eyes widen a little and roll towards Devon, who just looks right back at him,
‘I wish I could, sweetheart, but you can’t fly for a while yet.’
I sigh. ‘Well, at least get out of here then?’
He nods. ‘Devon, you mind going and finding out if that’s a possibility?’
I don’t look at her, and I feel awful, but I just can’t shake the feeling of hate I have towards her right now. Even though she’s never left me and held my hand the whole time. She agrees and leaves the room.
‘Brad, I really don’t want to be here, and I don’t want her here.’ I look away in shame because I know it’s a shitty thing to say.
‘Maiya, she hasn’t left your side. You need to get over whatever this is between you.’
‘Don’t tell me what I need to do—you have no idea how I feel or why,’ I snap. He steps back and holds his hands in the air as he backs up from me. He looks disappointed, and I can’t blame him. I immediately want to take the words back. I don’t want to upset Brad. He’s important to me. I stop and think about that for a moment. It takes me a little by shock. He is really important to me. Not for his blood, not because I need it, need him, but because I really do want him around. And I don’t know what I would do if he weren’t. He’s been a constant throughout this shit storm. And the look on his face right now guts me.
‘I’m sorry,’ I blurt. ‘I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to snap at you.’ He doesn’t say anything, he just turns away and starts to check his laptops. I fucking hate when we’re like this. ‘Brad?’
He still doesn’t turn around, but with his back to me, asks, ‘What?’ He’s pissed and doesn’t want to look at me and that hurts more than it should too. I don’t reply. What’s the point? Devon comes back and announces that the doctor needs to assess me to see if I can leave.
***
After the doctor announces I can leave, I practically jump out of that bed. It is just a reminder of what I’ve lost, and I don’t want to spend another minute there. I want to go home, but I’ll settle for the guesthouse in the pack compound. I go straight up to the bedroom and feel relief at being alone for the first time, since… I sit on the bed and just mull over how my life has changed since I started university back in September. Only a few months and yet it seems like an eternity. It feels like a whole different life. Everything has changed. My whole world has changed. Just finding out that other things exist, is huge. I’ve been dragged into a whole different world, kicking and screaming, and now I can never not know it. I can never go back to being the Maiya who had a shitty childhood and was determined to succeed in life. To be better. None of that seems important anymore. I was stuck in this life and would be until I died.
I should have died. I wanted to so badly. Sometimes I still thought about it. Especially now. I run my hand over my stomach. It had held a piece of me growing inside. Something I hadn’t expected and hadn’t thought I wanted. Until it was there. I did want it. I had wanted to keep the baby. And as much as I told myself I was unsure—the thought of me terminating had never really entered my mind. I wouldn’t have done it. I know for sure I wouldn’t. It was an innocent life that no longer existed.
I don’t realise I’m crying until Brad comes in. We haven’t spoken since I snapped at the hospital but he comes right over to me and wraps his arms around me. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong—he just knows. I hug him back. I cling on to him. Realising again how much I need him around. I hate when we’re not talking. It’s as if every time we fall out, it chips away at my heart. I need him to feel whole. A sudden need flares within me, and I don’t know what to do with it. Brad pulls back and looks at me strangely for a second, right before I see that need burn in his eyes too. His face is inches from mine.