‘SPEAKING OF CHECKS,’ Zoe says, making me stiffen. ‘I think we should take you to a sexual health clinic. I’m sure they have one in the town. Have you ever been checked before?’ I shake my head. I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched. I don’t want to talk about what happened. Ever. To anyone.
‘Won’t they tell the police? Brad told me I wasn’t allowed to tell the police?’
‘Oh no, honey, anyone can go and get checked out. It’s normal when people are… you know, sexually active.’ She looks like she feels awkward. I look at my feet. I don’t know anything about being tested when you’re sexually active. I don’t even know what I need to be tested for.
‘What happens?’
‘It’s easy, really. They take blood, and it’s sent off with a urine sample. It might be slightly different to what we’re used to because we have our own medical team back home, they do ours, but I’ve looked it up, and yours will be similar, except you’ll have to wait for the results.’ I nod. That doesn’t sound too bad. It’s not intrusive and it will get me out of the house too.
‘Okay, I’ll go and get it done, when should I go?’
She screws her lips up like she’s thinking, and rolls her eyes up to the ceiling,
‘I think I need to look into that because each test will be different I think.’
I nod an okay. She’s pretty nice.
At that point, Brad comes back from the bathroom looking pretty grim. Zoe gets ready to leave, and he walks her out. I lie back on the bed and wonder how the hell my life ended up like this. Devon, that’s how.
I start to feel instantly better as the blood pumps around my body. I hate that I feel so good after I have it. And I hate that I need it. They cut me down from a pint a day to just a syringe, and I was a wreck, shaking like a junkie—and the pain—agony. I had to have more for a while after.
I don’t even know how long I’ve been here—the days have all merged into one. Brad returns looking even grimmer than when he left. I go on instant alert.
‘What?’ he shakes his head closing his eyes.
‘You can’t go to a clinic—’
‘Why the hell not? Who made you the fucking—’
‘Don’t get your knickers in a twist, let me finish will ya?’
I lift my chin and decide that I will. ‘We’ll have to get our doc to come back, to do the tests… don’t roll your eyes at me! Think about it. You can’t go to a fucking clinic with my blood in your veins and ask them to take a sample. So unless you wanna go a week without any, you’ll have to see our doc.’
‘Don’t say it like I have a choice. You know I can’t go a week without it. I’d probably die.’ He winces, and I see a flicker of sadness for a moment. But it’s soon gone.
‘Well, guess you’re stuck with me for a while longer then, eh?’ He says with a smirk. And I want to punch him right in his stupid mouth.
It’s three days before the doctor comes. Brad comes in with him, and I panic a little. I don’t remember the last time he was here. He apparently brought me back to life, but he doesn’t look familiar at all. He’s not even old like I expected, well, he is, but not really old.
‘Well, you look a lot better than the last time I was here.’
I stare in utter bewilderment. I can’t even speak. What is wrong with me?
‘It’s all the tasty goodness she’s getting from me,’ Brad chimes in and for the first time I feel thankful for his stupid one-liners. The fact that this man saw me at my most vulnerable and brought me back from the brink of death, I guess that shakes me a little, and I’m still confused about how I really feel about it. I mean, I’m stuck in a house full of people who turn into animals. Wolves. And that’s not even the worst part. Now I’m dependent on Brad for his blood so I stay somewhat normal. I suddenly realise that they’re both looking at me waiting for an answer.
‘Sorry, what?’
‘I said when was the last time you had a period?’
‘Umm, what month is it now?’
‘November,’ Brad answers. Wow, November already. Where has September and October gone?
‘Umm, early in September. The first or second week maybe?’
‘Okay, we’re going to have to do a pregnancy test in that case too,’ he states matter of factly like he’s just read out the lunch menu. Brad pales. He looks grey. That’s all I remember before the room spins. Next thing, Brad has a magazine in his hand and is fanning my face as the doctor places a plastic bowl on the side table.
‘Hey, there you are. You okay, sweetheart?’ Brad asks, really kind and genuinely. Maybe he’s always been that way, and I just haven’t noticed before now.
‘Right, when you’re ready, you can pee in this pot, and bring it back with you.’
I swallow what feels like a huge lump in my throat.
‘Fuck’s sake, doc. Give her a minute, will yah?’
‘I’m only doing my job. I would never treat a human under normal circumstances, and this is the second time—’
‘Yeah, yeah, we know. Give us a minute, will yah? I’ll come and get you. Go and grab or coffee or whatever.’ He practically pushes him out of the door. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed when he comes back, kneels in front of me, and I can see the worry etched on his face. I don’t know what to say. Or do. I’m so confused. I could be pregnant?
‘What am I going to do?’ I ask as he takes my hand in his.
‘Let’s start with the test first, okay? No point borrowing worry.’
I nod. My eyes fill with tears and Brad is all blurry in a second.
‘Hey, hey, come on, look at me, eyes on me, sweetheart.’
I raise my head and meet his eyes. I see resolve there. He picks something up from the table. A pregnancy test. The doctor was obviously going to dip it or whatever you do with them. Reading the instructions, he takes it from the packet and hands me a little white stick from within the foil packet. ‘So looks like you need to pee on that bit there, okay?’ he says pointing to the end that looks like a piece of paper. ‘Then you stick this over the top and wait.’ I take it from his hand—mine is shaking badly. He gives me a sympathetic look, which makes my stomach flutter. Nerves I suppose. As I walk into the bathroom, I have an impending feeling of doom. What if I am? What will I do? With shaking hands, I sit on the loo, and for a second I can’t pee. Maybe it’s my body’s way of disagreeing with what I’m doing. Eventually, it comes, and it’s the tiniest amount. What if that’s not enough? I wash up and take it back to the small table and place it there. I daren’t look at it. Brad’s pacing. He keeps rubbing his hands on his thighs like he’s nervous too. A minute or so passes, and he walks over and glances at the stick. I watch for a reaction on his face, nothing. He paces some more. Five minutes must pass before he stops again.
‘You gonna check it?’ I shake my head. No. Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away. ‘You want me to check it?’ I shake my head again, and tears start flooding over again. ‘Well, we can’t fucking ignore it.’ He puffs out his breath and picks it up. I put my face in my hands—scared to look. He doesn’t speak. Silence fills the room, and I know. I’m pregnant.
‘Look at me, sweetheart,’ he says in such a kind way I can’t hold back the sobs. I feel him as his hands come underneath my armpits and he pulls me up and into his arms. It’s the first time I’ve felt real comfort in so long. I want him to hold me—to take this pain away. And he does. He holds me as I crumple in his arms. He takes us to the floor, and he pulls me into his lap, and he starts to rock with me. Soothing me like you would a child. But I absorb it all like it’s a medicine to take this pain away. ‘Sweetheart, is there any chance you could have already been pregnant before?’ he asks running his hand from the top of my head to my shoulder over my hair. I shake my head.
‘No, definitely not,’ I say with one hundred percent conviction. I’m pregnant because they raped me. Oh my god. I’m pregnant. My hand goes to my tummy. Brad takes it into his hand and squeezes.
‘What do you want to do next?’ he asks as I look up at him and our eyes meet. All the sincerity in him is shining right out at me from his deep dark eyes.
‘I don’t know?’ I tell him honestly. Because right now, I really do not know what I want to do next. ‘There were so many of them,’ I blurt out and my hand shoots to my mouth in reaction like I can stuff the words right back in. He cusses, and I feel him stiffen up around me. And like I’ve opened a floodgate, it all comes rushing out. ‘I fought at first. I tried so hard to stop them. It was too much, too often, they would beat me so badly, and I would wake up, and they would still be…’ I choke on a sob. Brad is shaking and unable to contain his anger, it radiates from him.
‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart,’ he says and kisses the top of my head. ‘Whatever you need, whatever you decide, we’ll help you, I promise,’ he says pressing his lips against my head again.
‘I should see the doctor,’ I tell him with a newfound strength. I stand up with resolve and decide this is what it is and I have to make a decision moving forward. I cannot remain the silent and broken little lamb they had made me. I need to sort myself out. I have a baby growing inside of me. A baby. A little person. Brad stands up beside me and takes my hand again, squeezing—he tells me that he’ll go and get the doctor. And he leaves the room. I look at the test. A small window shows two very pink lines. I walk to the bathroom and close the door, and I look at myself in the mirror. Maybe I could have this baby? Maybe we will love one another unconditionally, even though it was conceived through hate and brutality. Maybe… maybe I could do it. I press my hand to my tummy, and I feel a swell of warmth at the thought. Then ice cold fear grips me. What if I hate it? What if it’s a constant reminder of how it came to be? What if it didn’t look like me, and I couldn’t bear it? What if I were cruel to it? I don’t hear Brad come back in, but when his arms encase me in a warm hug, I break once again.
‘I don’t know if I can do it?’ I tell him honestly. ‘What if I can’t? What if—’
‘Stop it, Maiya. Look at me.’ I do. ‘You need to stop this right now.’ I nod, and more sobs wrack their way up and out of my throat. Brad practically shakes me until I look him in the eye.
‘Maiya. None of this is your fault, okay? Remember that. You never asked for this. No one would blame you if you couldn’t go through with a pregnancy after rape. No one is judging you here.’
‘What about you?’ I ask him honestly.
‘What about me?’ he asks confused. He places his hands on my shoulders, and he seems to speak from his heart. ‘Listen, sweetheart. You are what is important here. You. Okay? Fuck everyone else—whatever their opinion is. It’s you who has to live with this, one way or another. It’s a decision only you can make.’ I know it is because I don’t have anyone else. Brad is the first person to really seem to care about me.
‘But what do you think I should do?’ I ask. I’m so confused right now, and so unsure of myself. I need him to just tell me what to do. Make the decision.
‘Aww beautiful, it doesn’t matter what I think—it matters what you think. All you need to know is that I’m here. We’re here. Devon too.’
I shake my head. ‘No, no. I don’t want her here, Brad. Please, please, don’t tell anyone, not yet.’
‘Okay, whatever you need, but I think you are gonna have to tell someone, okay.’
I nod to pacify him.
‘What if I hate it? The baby?’
He sighs. ‘Do you really think you could?’
I shake my head because I just don’t know. At that moment, the doctor walks back in the room, straight over to us and picks up the test from the table.
‘Hmm, positive. Well then, we need to discuss the use of your blood, which shouldn’t continue now she is pregnant.’
‘What are you talking about? She’ll need more now she’s pregnant. She can’t get out of bed properly without it.’
‘You do realise, I assume, that what she is carrying is most definitely a kitsune?’
‘Of course I fucking do, but that’s not all is it? It’s part of her too, or has that slipped your fucking mind, doc? Do you need a fresh lesson on biology?’