Chapter Nineteen
Jake
Déjà vu. That’s what it felt like as I turned underneath my warm sheets as little rays of sunlight peeping through through the cracks in the blinds. I was still groggy, just coming out of a heavy sleep, but I couldn’t bring myself to think because there was this feeling that engulfed me. Everything was perfect. I could feel the blissful contentment that came with knowing everything in your world was in perfect order. I could feel her next to me, and the feel of her body curved in next to mine was heaven.
We didn’t have any place to be because this was our honeymoon and neither one of us had to report anywhere. We were back home, and even though it was only for a week, it was enough.
I would wrap my arms around her and kiss her awake. She would turn in my arms and laugh, and then we would wrestle and play until our play turned into lovemaking that finished with hunger. Then we would wrap ourselves in comfortable clothes and make our way into the kitchen to prepare something half edible. I felt as though it had all happened before.
I turned in bed and reached for her. “Daphne,” I whispered. “It’s time to get up.”
As my grogginess began to fade, I started to become more and more aware of everything, including my memories. Had I just called out for Daphne? How could it be possible that Daphne was here next to me when she had been gone for years now? I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and glanced down at the sleeping woman next to me.
She was a beautiful woman. She had deep auburn hair and rosebud lips. Her eyes were closed, but I could remember their fierce hazel color. She had a strong resemblance to the woman I had committed my life to years ago—but she was not Daphne.
“Kristen,” I whispered to myself as the memory of last night came rushing forward to greet me.
I had forgotten what a release sex could be. I had forgotten how important and how necessary that kind of intimate contact was. My body felt strangely relaxed, as though my muscles had been tight with tension and they had finally given way after a long time.
I hadn’t slept with anyone since Daphne. After her death, I had been so focused on Noah that sex hadn’t even been a thought in my mind. Now, I realized how much I missed it. It felt good to feel like a man again. I had been Noah’s father for so long that I’d almost forgotten the other parts of me that had been buried since Daphne’s funeral.
Kristen was naked underneath the sheets, and I longed to slide in next to her and enter her again, but something stopped me. Maybe it was the thought that Noah would be awake soon. Maybe it was the guilt of knowing I had slept with someone other than my wife. Maybe it was a combination of the two, but I pulled on my boxers and sat up in bed.
Disturbed by my movement, Kristen sighed in her sleep and opened her eyes. She looked a little confused for a second and then she darted upright.
“Oh my God,” she gasped. “What time is it?”
“Don’t worry,” I said quickly. “There’s time before work.”
“Oh,” she said, her hair all in disarray.
I couldn’t help but lean in and push the stray strands of hair from her face. She seemed to like the gesture. She leaned in and kissed me on the lips, and I returned the kiss willingly. Those little gestures of intimacy sent a thrill through my body. It made me aware of how much I had given up in the last few years.
I thought of last night and was forced to admit that Daphne’s death had crippled me—emotionally, at least. I had pent up all my grief and anger, and it had taken Kristen to unlock it all. I remembered how patient and kind she had been to me the night before. She could have just walked away, but she had chosen to stay and put me back together again.
Last night had also taught me one very important thing: I needed to move on. Daphne was my past now, and if I allowed her to dominate my life, I would never be able to let go of my grief or my frustration.
“I should head out,” Kristen said as she looked around for her clothes.
“You can stay for breakfast,” I said.
“Uh… I haven’t bought a change of clothes for work, and I don’t want to go in today wearing the same clothes as yesterday.”
“Right,” I nodded.
I could tell she was self-conscious about dressing in front of me. She was blushing slightly as she pulled on her underwear and her bra. I didn’t understand why she was so shy.
“You are aware that I’ve seen everything, right?” I asked.
She laughed nervously. “That was at night,” she said. “There was less light.”
“You have a beautiful body,” I told her honestly.
“Thank you,” she said, flushing scarlet.
“I should be thanking you,” I said. “You made me feel a whole lot better last night.”
She pulled her on her blouse and came to sit next to me on the bed. “I liked that you opened up to me,” she said. “It made it a lot easier for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I just mean… I could never quite understand you before. You were this brooding enigma, and I was scared of saying anything because I was never sure what would set you off. Now that I know a little more about you, you don’t scare me quite as much.”
“I scared you?” I asked in surprise.
“A little bit,” Kristen nodded.
“I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
“I wouldn’t have cared quite so much if…”
She trailed off, and I saw another blush blossom on her cheeks. Instantly, my curiosity increased tenfold. “If?” I pressed.
“If I hadn’t liked you so much,” she admitted.
“You liked me?”
“I did.”
“Even when I was being a complete asshole?”
“Even then,” she nodded. “Doesn’t say much about my self-esteem, huh?”
“It says a lot about your heart, though,” I pointed out. “You’re kind; it’s rare to find.”
Just then, we heard a noise outside my door, and I jumped to my feet. “That’ll be Noah,” I whispered to her. “I’ll go out there, distract him, and take him to the kitchen. Then you can come in a few minutes later and act like you spent the night in the guest room, okay?”
“Sounds like a plan,” Kristen nodded.
I pulled on some pants and a shirt, and I opened the door to find Noah at the threshold of his door. “Daddy?” he said, rubbing his eyes hard.
I smiled, grabbed him and lifted him onto my hip. “Hi, little man,” I said, taking him into the kitchen. “Did you sleep well?”
“Uh-huh,” he nodded. “I had a dream, too.”
“No way; tell me about it?” I asked, glancing back at my bedroom door.
“You bought me a pony for my birthday,” Noah said. “And, I named him Pecan.”
I smiled. “Is that a dream or a wish?”
Noah’s smile was big and slightly guilty. “Both,” he admitted.
I was laughing when Kristen walked in. “Good morning,” she said.
“Krissie!” Noah screamed, running to her happily. “You’re here. I thought you went early like last time.”
Kristen and I exchanged a glance as she bent down and gave him a hug. “Not this time,” she said.
“Will you make me pancakes?” he asked.
“Noah, Kristen has to get going,” I said. “Don’t keep her.”
“No, don’t worry,” she said willingly. “I think I have time to whip up something fast before heading out.”
It turned out she was a wizard in the kitchen. She grabbed together a handful of ingredients, and within ten minutes, she set down a pile of homemade pancakes, scrambled eggs, and fresh juice.
“Wow,” I said, tasting one of her banana pancakes. “Where’d you learn to cook like this?”
“Cookbooks and YouTube,” she replied. “Mom was always busy, and it usually fell to me to do the cooking. I hated having the same thing over and over again, and I enjoyed experimenting, so I got pretty good.”
“Can I have another?” Noah asked, eyeing the plate of pancakes.
“Here you go,” I said, putting another one on his plate. “Go easy on the maple syrup, buddy.”
After a hasty farewell and a quick hug for Noah, Kristen left, and the two of us settled into our breakfast. Noah looked at me with a maple syrup-smeared smile. “I wish you could cook like this,” he said.
“I can try.”
“You can ask Krissie to teach you,” he said.
“Maybe I will.”
“Then she’ll be here more,” he said conspiratorially.
“Ah, is that your plan?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
Noah smiled, but he didn’t trouble to deny it. “I like her,” he said. “She’s pretty, and she reads good stories and hugs me a lot and makes me yummy food to eat.”
“She is pretty nice, huh?”
“Uh-huh,” he said, nodding his head vigorously. “I like her eyes.”
“Me, too.”
“Mommy had eyes like that,” Noah said.
I fell silent as I looked towards Daphne’s picture in the living room. I hated that she couldn’t be here to make pancakes for her son, but life happened, and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. At least, that was what I needed to tell myself. If I let myself believe that Daphne’s death was preventable, then I would go insane, plain and simple. I needed to look towards the future. I needed to focus on myself, so that I could be the best version of myself for Noah.
I remembered my conversation with Aunt Margo the previous night. I had told her to accept the date with her admirer. I had told her to be happy. I had told her that Henry would have wanted her to be happy. Wouldn’t Daphne have wanted the same thing for me?
“Daddy?”
“Sorry, buddy,” I said, turning my attention back to Noah. “What did you say?”
“When is Krissie coming back to see me?”
I paused. “I don’t know…soon.”
“When is soon?”
I smiled. “Krissie has a full-time job, Noah—”
“She works for you,” he said, interrupting me.
“That’s right, she does.”
“So maybe you can let her come and play with me?”
I laughed. “You are too smart for your own good.”
“Will you?”
“We’ll see,” I said, refusing to commit to that promise. I knew I’d never hear the end of it if I did. “Now finish your pancakes, I’ve got to get you ready for school.”
As Noah finished his breakfast, my mind slipped to this morning when I had called Kristen Daphne. I was grateful she hadn’t heard the slip, but I would need to be careful. I didn’t want her to think that she was just a stand-in for my dead wife.
I realized with a start that I really cared about Kristen and genuinely wanted her in my life. Last night had certainly changed the dynamic between us, and it had also made me hungry again. It had made me hungry for love, for sex, for intimacy, and for companionship. But most importantly, it had made me hungry for life.